If Not for You

by Debbie Macomber

“Pay attention, babe.”

  “I’m trying,” she muttered under her breath. Her head was buzzing. First off, looking at Sam and his muscular body filled her with longing. She wanted nothing more than to run her hands up his bare chest. It was more than his body that kept her preoccupied. Seeing another woman’s name tattooed over his heart filled her head with questions.

  “Beth,” Cassandra said, causing her to jerk away from Sam’s hold.

  As if guessing he was causing a problem, Sam moved behind Beth and placed his hands on her waist in order to help her maintain her balance. If he thought he was helping, he wasn’t. Having him stand this close, his breath fanning the back of her neck, caused an eruption of goosebumps.

  Sam noticed. “Is the water too cold?” he whispered close to her ear.

  Doing her best to concentrate on the exercises, Beth madly shook her head. “No…it’s fine,” she said, not wanting him to know what he did to her.

  “You’re doing good, babe,” he said, talking under Cassandra as she counted out the numbers of repetitive movements as Beth exercised the muscles that would aid coordination and speed up the healing process.

  As best she could, Beth did what was asked of her, but her focus was on Sam instead of the exercise routine. Try as she might to pay attention to Cassandra, Beth couldn’t help being aware of Sam’s close proximity. When her foot slipped and she started to go under, Beth gasped, fear paralyzing her. Before a scream could escape, Sam’s arms were around her, holding her upright.

  “No fear, babe, I’ve got you.” His arms held her tight around her middle, pulling her against his torso. Beth closed her eyes, savoring the feel of his warm skin rubbing against her own. She felt dizzy and disoriented and it had nothing to do with nearly having her head go under the water. It was all Sam.

  “Beth.” Cassandra joined her. “You okay? Are you having a panic attack?”

  “Sorry…no, I’m fine. I slipped…”

  Sam’s hold on her hadn’t loosened. If anything, he seemed to keep her closer than ever. Beth saw Cassandra’s gaze clash with his as if the physical therapist was letting him know he had become more of a distraction than a help. Sam reluctantly released her.

  Cassandra exhaled. “I think that should be enough for today.”

  Beth’s gaze shot to the clock on the wall and she noticed it’d been only thirty minutes. Not that she was complaining.

  Now that Sam was in front her, Beth’s gaze repeatedly skimmed over the tattoo.

  Cassandra seemed to sense the two of them needed time alone and made an excuse to head into the locker room. “I’ll be back in a few minutes,” she said, getting out of the pool and reaching for her towel.

  “Okay,” Beth said, her eyes centered on Sam.

  As soon as the door closed, Beth offered him a weak smile. “I appreciate you coming.”

  He shrugged, discounting her gratitude.

  She wasn’t good at ignoring the elephant in the room, or in this case the alligator circling them in the water. “You didn’t want me to see this tattoo, did you?” She slid her index finger over Lucinda’s name, letting it linger there.

  He didn’t answer. He kept his hands on her waist as if afraid she might slip again.

  Beth glanced up, hoping to make eye contact, but Sam’s gaze was focused on something on the other side of the pool. “Clearly this woman is someone you loved in the past.”

  “No,” he corrected. “It’s someone I love now.”

  “Oh.” She blinked at the shock of the words. Although she’d known Sam only a few weeks, she knew in her heart it wasn’t in him to be involved with two women at the same time.

  “Oh Sam, I’m sorry. Did she die?”

  “No.”

  Beth was more confused than ever. “Oh.” She wished she could think of something more to say other than a stunned response.

  “I’d rather not talk about it.” He dropped his hands and started for the edge of the pool, leaving her standing in the water while he grabbed a towel and started drying off. He kept his back to her, ignoring her as he dried and hurriedly dressed.

  Beth tried to think of something to say that would break the tension between them. Some joke they could both laugh at, but nothing came to mind.

  Thankfully, Cassandra returned. By the time Beth was out of the water, Sam was dressed and had the beach towel bunched up in his arms.

  “I need to get to the garage.”

  “Of course. I appreciate you coming.”

  “No problem. You did great.”

  Overwhelmed as she was, Beth doubted she’d done anything more than make a fool of herself, the way her mind had been focused on Sam.

  “You’ve proved you can do it. You won’t need me again, right?” Sam said.

  It wasn’t really a question. This was his way of letting her know he had no intention of getting back in the water with her.

  Sam started for the door.

  “You’re leaving?”

  “Yeah. Work, babe.”

  He couldn’t seem to get away from her fast enough. “Thanks for coming,” she called after him.

  He looked back and nodded. “Later.”

  “Later,” she echoed. But Beth had the feeling it might be awhile before she saw Sam again.

  And she was right.

  CHAPTER 15

  Sam

  It’d been a mistake to get into the pool with Beth. Now Sam was placed in the unenviable position of deciding what to do next. He knew it was coming, knew there was no avoiding telling her about Lucinda. If their relationship had any kind of future, he would need to explain.

  Two days later, Sam got a call from Rocco. He wasn’t surprised and actually wondered why it took that long.

  His friend was never one to beat around the bush. Without any form of greeting, he said, “Nichole asked me about Lucinda.”

  “Figured that was bound to happen.” Sam exhaled as he sat in front of his television and crossed his ankles on the coffee table. “Beth must have called Nichole.”

  “You have a crystal ball or something?”

  Sam ignored the question. “What did you say?”

  “Said it was your story to tell. How’d Beth find out about her?”

  When he’d agreed to get in the pool with Beth, Sam had completely forgotten about the tattoo on his chest. It was such a part of him now that he no longer noticed or even thought about it.

  Only on Monday morning, when he put on his swim trunks, did he realize there was no way to avoid Beth getting a full view of her name. He wasn’t ready to let Beth open the door to that cesspool, but there was no avoiding it once he was required to take off his shirt.

  “She saw my tattoo,” he told Rocco.

  “You walking around that hospital without a shirt these days?” The question was half tease, half serious.

  “First off, it isn’t a hospital, and second, no. I helped her with her PT in a pool.” In his mind it was either break his promise to Beth or reveal the biggest heartache of his life.

  “You gonna tell her?”

  Sam figured he didn’t really have a choice. The fact that he hadn’t gone to visit her in two days weighed heavy on him. He’d missed being with her. He’d missed seeing her face light up when he walked into her room. And he especially missed jamming with her. His evenings had taken on an entirely new purpose. Making music with Beth had given him joy, the kind of joy that built up inside, fueling him like tinder to a fire. Those hours with her fed his soul. He’d been out of sorts for the last two evenings not being with Beth; not sitting at her side, strumming his guitar as she played the piano.

  He’d felt hollow.

  Lost.

  Alone.

  He wasn’t sure when it happened, when Beth filled the empty spaces of his life. All he knew was that he was listless and bored without her, and the knowledge chewed away at his conscience.

  He was an idiot. The one he was hurting most was himself. He was miserable, which was stupid because he knew how to fix t
his. Knew what he had to do to make this right.

  “I’ve got to go,” Sam said with a sense of urgency.

  “What are you going to do?”

  “Talk to Beth. To explain.”

  “Sam, are you nuts? It’s after ten. She’s probably asleep.”

  Sam doubted that. He hadn’t slept well in two nights and he suspected she hadn’t, either. Without bothering to argue, he cut off the call, grabbed his jacket, and headed out the door. Filled with impatience now, he drove directly to the rehab center. Although it was closing in on eleven, Sam expected Beth would still be awake.

  He was wrong.

  The door to her room was closed, and when he carefully opened it, he found it dark inside.

  He hesitated and then whispered, “Beth?” The light from the hallway bled inside the room and he could see she was lying on her side facing him, her eyes closed. Slowly they opened. For an elongated moment, they stared at each other, saying nothing.

  Beth spoke first in a soft whisper. “You don’t have to tell me.”

  Sam came into the room and slowly released the door so it would close, encasing him in the darkness. It took a moment for his eyes to adjust to the lack of light. He actually preferred the anonymity of the dark. It would make it easier if she couldn’t see his face. Slipping into the chair next to her bed, he reached for her hand, claiming it between his own. Then, needing her to know how much she meant to him, he brought it to his mouth and kissed her palm.

  “I’ve missed you,” she whispered.

  “Missed you, too. Couldn’t stay away any longer.”

  “You didn’t need to stay away.”

  “I know. I was an idiot.” He kissed her hand again in apology. Then, drawing in a deep breath, he said, “I figure you deserve to know the truth. I met Trish when I was in my early twenties and knew almost immediately that she was my soulmate. I was crazy in love with her.”

  “Sam, please, you don’t need to explain,” she said. “Trish? Who is Trish?” she added, clearly puzzled.

  “Patience, babe.”

  “Okay,” she whispered with a sigh so adorable it took all his restraint not to reach for her and kiss her senseless.

  “Trish and I hit it off right away. She was divorced and a few years older than me. I thought I’d been in love before, but I’d never felt like I did with Trish.”

  Beth’s hand tightened in his and Sam doubted she realized she was squeezing his fingers. Truth was, it would make him uncomfortable to hear about a man she’d once loved, and he didn’t expect it was any easier for her.

  “We played Russian roulette with birth control and it was only a few months into the relationship that she told me she was pregnant.” This was the hard part and his chest tightened with the memory.

  “You have a baby?”

  “I’m getting to that.”

  “Sorry,” she whispered.

  “The pregnancy was something of a shock, but it shouldn’t have been. The more I thought about being a dad, the more excited I got.” He could feel it even now, the anticipation, the excitement. Being a typical man, he’d yearned for a son, but would have been happy with a daughter, too. “Right away I started buying baby toys,” he said, and paused because the memory brought up pain he longed to keep buried. Even speaking of that time in his life hurt, and he feared his voice betrayed him.

  “Sam,” Beth whispered, “my hand. You’re hurting my hand.”

  He immediately relaxed his grip. “Sorry, babe.” He hadn’t realized he’d tightened his hold.

  “What happened?” she asked when he didn’t immediately pick up the story.

  “I learned that Trish wasn’t divorced after all. She was still married and had only been separated from her husband.”

  “Oh no.” The shock in her voice was a fraction of the blow he’d felt when he’d discovered the truth.

  “If that wasn’t surprise enough, I then learned that the two of them had been discussing a reconciliation.”

  “But—”

  “I know,” he said, stopping her. “One of the reasons I was happy to learn about the pregnancy was that I’d felt Trish emotionally withdrawing from me. I didn’t want to lose her, and in my twisted thinking the baby was sure to keep us together.” What a fool he’d been.

  “She told her husband about your affair?”

  “Yes, and soon enough he learned about the pregnancy. As you can imagine, he wasn’t happy about it, but like me, he loved Trish, and he was willing to stay married.” Again he paused and swallowed against the tightness in his chest. “With one stipulation.” Sam inhaled sharply. “Ron, her husband, didn’t want Trish to have any link to me. He was afraid I would use the baby as an excuse to continue our relationship and the truth is he was right.”

  He paused to let his words sink in. He wasn’t sure Beth understood what he was telling her.

  “You really loved her, didn’t you?”

  Beth had no idea. Sam would have died for Trish, and in some ways he had. For the last fourteen years he’d avoided relationships. He didn’t date and found it hard to trust women.

  “Yeah, I really loved her.” The words grated against his throat, making it difficult to speak.

  “Oh Sam,” she said softly and pressed her hand to the side of his face, cupping his bearded jaw as if to ease the pain. Her gentleness touched him and he leaned into her hand and briefly closed his eyes. It took a moment before he was able to continue.

  “Trish came to me in tears,” he said. “She wanted to save her marriage. In order to do that, I had to relinquish all rights to my child. She begged me, Beth, saying if I had any feelings toward her whatsoever that I would give up my child. She wanted me to stay completely out of both of their lives. That was the only way her husband would agree not to file for a divorce.”

  Beth made a mewling sound, as if she understood the agony of his decision.

  “Trish told me how much she loved her husband. She needed me to surrender all parental rights so the baby would be raised by her and Ron. So the three of them could be a family. I argued that I couldn’t, wouldn’t, do that. I vowed to take her to court and fight for my child and I meant every word. I wanted the baby to be mine in every way. Then Trish crumbled, sobbing and begging me to agree to Ron’s terms, but I insisted. And she said that even though it would kill her, she would give me the child to raise.

  “The baby was a tiny fetus, but I already felt this incredible love. Knowing the importance of a mother, I wasn’t sure I had it in me to take him or her away from Trish. If I agreed to what Ron wanted, it meant that I would have no contact with Trish or my kid ever again.”

  “So you agreed?”

  It’d been the hardest decision of his life. Sam had seriously considered raising the child on his own, but he’d seen the struggle Rocco had caring for Kaylene only part-time and he realized how difficult it would be for him with an infant. He couldn’t bear what this would do to Trish, either. It was an impossible situation.

  “Yes, I agreed,” he said simply, rather than review the angst of the decision.

  “The baby’s name is Lucinda?” she asked.

  He nodded and then realized she probably couldn’t see him. “Yes. I’ve only heard from Trish once since she reconciled with her husband, and that was shortly after the baby was born. She sent me a text message and said she’d had a girl and named her Lucinda Marie. Lucinda had been her grandmother’s name.”

  “You’ve had no other contact since?”

  “None.” It nearly killed him a little every time he thought about his daughter. “She’s thirteen now.” Hardly a day passed, even after all these years, when his daughter didn’t make her way into his thoughts. Her name was over his heart and it would remain there as long as he drew breath.

  Beth didn’t say anything for a long time. Finally she kissed the back of his hand and then held it against the side of her face.

  “Later, shortly after I gave up all rights to Lucinda, Rocco got full custody of Kayle
ne. He made it work. It wasn’t easy having a kid around, especially without a lot of family support, but he managed. Right or wrong, I realized I would have found a way had I taken the baby.”

  “Trish is the reason you don’t do relationships, isn’t it?” Beth asked.

  “Yes. But you need to know I haven’t been living the life of a saint. There’ve been women, Beth. I’m not proud of the way I’ve used them in the last several years. I haven’t wanted to risk my heart until you.”

  He didn’t realize what he’d said, and by then it was too late. Still, he didn’t regret that Beth knew how important she’d become to him in the last few weeks.

  “Sam,” she whispered. “Oh Sam.”

  Not kissing her wasn’t an option. Emotion filled him and the need to hold and love her nearly overwhelmed him. For the first time in memory, he felt free of the burden of his decision. Slipping his hand around the base of her neck, he brought her mouth to his. The kiss was warm and wet, urgent and needy on both their parts. It felt as if he was giving away a piece of his soul as he twisted his mouth over hers, wanting to give her everything he’d withheld from every woman he’d touched since the split with Trish.

  Soon kissing her wasn’t enough. Not even close to being enough. He wanted more. Needed more. Standing, he wrapped his arm around Beth’s back, dragging her upright, all the while kissing her with a hunger and desire that nearly consumed him. He didn’t know what would have happened if she hadn’t given a small gasp of pain. In his desire, he’d forgotten her injuries.

  Immediately Sam released his hold and buried his face in her neck. “Sorry, baby,” he whispered. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

  Beth wound her arms around his neck and held him close. Several moments passed before she spoke. “Thank you for telling me about her,” she whispered. He appreciated that she understood what it had taken for him to peel back the scab and reveal his wounded heart.

  Only a chosen few knew about Lucinda. Not even his parents realized he had a daughter. Rocco had been his friend since just after high school and had lived through that emotional time with him. He hadn’t advised Sam, feeling the decision was his and his alone. When he told Rocco what he’d decided, his friend hadn’t said a word. None was necessary.