If Not for You

by Debbie Macomber

  Neither of them had touched the meal.

  “Did you ever go back to sculpting?” she asked, keeping her voice as soothing as she could manage. Anger radiated off him in waves like hot sun against asphalt on the hottest day of summer.

  “Never touched it again.”

  “Oh Peter.” Her heart ached for him to the point she wanted to weep. His talent had stirred her. All these years she prayed he had at least found an artistic outlet from the heavy demands of a law career. Instinctively, she realized turning his back on what he loved was the way he’d chosen to punish himself.

  Because her throat felt dry and raw with sadness, Sunshine sipped her tea.

  “You know what the worst part has been?” Although he asked the question, it was apparently rhetorical. “You’d think it was leaving art school or my divorce or having minimal contact with my daughters. All that should be enough to make a grown man weep, but the worst, the very worst, was knowing you’d stuck with your dreams and became a recognized and highly acclaimed artist.”

  “You hate me because I’m successful?” she asked, unable to believe he would be so resentful of someone he’d once claimed to love.

  “I remember the first time I saw your professional work. It was at a gallery in Chicago. I’d been married to Carolyn for about five years. Even then I knew the marriage was a mistake, but we had one daughter and another on the way. I wasn’t completely sure the baby was mine, but that’s beside the point.”

  At the hurt in his voice, Sunshine closed her eyes. “Oh Peter.”

  “Carolyn and I attended a charity art show and two of your paintings were on display. Not one, Sunshine, two. They were stunning, the talk of the show. The irony was that Carolyn was all over them, talking about them with her friends. If she only knew,” he said, snickering.

  There wasn’t anything for her to say.

  “I went numb. I couldn’t take my eyes off those paintings. They mesmerized me but not for the reasons everyone was talking about. The choice of color, the shadowing, the technique. I always knew you were talented. Everyone knew you were good. But in that moment, I realized you were quite possibly a genius. I had never appreciated how much.”

  “Thank you,” she whispered, accepting his compliment.

  “I hated you then, Sunshine. God forgive me, I couldn’t even bear the thought of you.”

  Sunshine blinked back tears. “But why?” she asked, needing to know.

  “Because the emptiness inside me exploded after that. I sank into a deep depression, dreaming of what might have happened if I’d stayed in art school. Every morning I’d head for the office with dread and self-recrimination, hating the life I’d created for myself, hating my father, hating the cheating, lying bitch I had married, knowing she hated me back.”

  “How could you hate your work; you’re a successful attorney.” The expensive suit he wore said as much.

  “I am one of the finest attorneys in Chicago, and I say that with no pride. Guess I have my father to thank for that. I buried myself in my work. I started winning case after case, exceeding even his expectations, but I didn’t do it because I loved the law. I did it out of anger focused at myself, the need to prove I could make something of the mess I’d created that was my life.”

  “I don’t know why you gave up what you love and—”

  “Don’t,” he said, stopping her by raising his hand. “Don’t say another word.”

  Sitting back, resting against the padded cushion, Sunshine wiped a tear from her face.

  “You think I’m pathetic, don’t you?” he demanded, as if the question was some form of joke. “Maybe I am,” he concluded.

  Peter swallowed down the last of his scotch. “I don’t know what you want to say to this niece of yours. On my behalf, let her know I didn’t appreciate this little surprise she concocted. I know who she worked with. My office receptionist told me she found this restaurant online. She actually made the reservation for me. Said it was hard to get a table. What a joke,” he said, looking around the near empty room. “Tell your niece that Sondra Reacher will no longer be employed with the firm. I’m firing her first thing Monday morning.”

  “Beth meant no harm, Peter.”

  “Perhaps not, but I don’t appreciate her intrusion in my life.” He slid out of the booth. “I’d like to say it was a pleasure to see you again, Sunshine, but the truth is I wish I’d stayed in Chicago.”

  With those parting words of bitterness, he walked out of the restaurant.

  For a long time, Sunshine remained in the booth, looking into the distance and seeing nothing. When the restaurant started to fill up, she decided it was time to leave.

  She was in the parking lot when her phone signaled she had a text message.

  Were you surprised?

  Staring at the message, Sunshine realized if she told Beth the truth, she’d be devastated. Beth had hoped Sunshine and Peter would reconcile. Her niece was looking for a fairy-tale ending, but that was not to be.

  Peter wasn’t the man she remembered. He’d turned into a hostile, angry man who had let his resentment burn away a large part of his soul.

  While her niece’s intentions were good, seeing Peter as he was now had stripped away the memories she’d treasured. While he claimed he accepted responsibility, he was fooling himself. He saw her as the blight in his life, the woman he wished he’d never met.

  Rather than disappoint Beth, she texted back It was lovely.

  Because she was upset, she drove directly to her studio, but she didn’t paint. Instead, she sat in front of the canvas and silently wept.

  CHAPTER 31

  Beth

  Beth knew she should be concerned with her parents’ pending visit over Thanksgiving. She didn’t trust her mother not to use the time as a subtle way of undermining her life. However, Beth’s main concern revolved around her aunt Sunshine. Her aunt had said shockingly little about the dinner Beth and Sondra Reacher had arranged between Sunshine and Peter Hamlin. What she did say was elusive and vague.

  “You’re looking preoccupied,” Sam mentioned as they left the rehab facility. They’d performed well together from the beginning, but over the weeks they had gelled as musicians. “Are you worried about your parents’ visit?” he asked.

  Beth offered him a fragile smile. “Yes and no. I have no worries about Dad, but Mom concerns me. I don’t trust her.”

  “Don’t let it bother you, babe. We got this.”

  His confidence inspired her. While she appreciated his positive attitude, it was only one of the matters that weighed heavily on her mind. If there was anything to be glad about, worrying over her aunt took her mind off the upcoming holiday.

  Instead of having Sam drive her directly back to her apartment, Beth suggested they stop off for coffee. She had some news she wanted to share that she’d learned after her meeting with her fellow music teachers.

  Sam pulled into the parking lot at a Starbucks. “Something on your mind?” he asked, and looked concerned. “We’re good, right?”

  “Better than good,” she assured him.

  Sam collected their order; he had coffee and she wanted a latte. Beth found a vacant table in the back of the Starbucks.

  She was grateful that their spot gave them some privacy. The closest occupied table was three down.

  “What’s up, babe?” Sam asked once they were comfortably seated. He cupped his coffee with both hands and studied her as if unsure what to expect.

  “I hope you don’t mind, but I wanted to talk to you about what you told me about your past relationships.”

  Right away, he bristled. “There’s only been one, Beth, and as far as I’m concerned, it’s off-limits.”

  “But I learned something and—”

  “Off-limits, babe.”

  She sipped her latte and mulled over her next move. Sam had said very little about Trish and his daughter. Clearly it was a painful subject he didn’t want to discuss, and that disappointed her because she had wonderful ne
ws to share with him. Only Sam didn’t want to hear it.

  “Now, about Thanksgiving,” Sam said in a blatant effort to change the subject. “I’ve met your mother, but this is the first opportunity I’ll have to meet your dad. I wasn’t going to tell you, but I’ve decided to have my hair cut and shave off the beard, too.”

  “Sam,” Beth objected, shaking her head. “No way. You don’t need to change who you are for my parents.” What she didn’t want to tell him was that it wouldn’t make the least bit of difference how much Sam altered his appearance. Her mother in particular didn’t need a reason to find fault with any man Beth chose to date. Especially one who hadn’t been handpicked and vetted by her.

  Sam reached across the table and took her hand in his. His fingers gave hers a gentle squeeze. “You’re important to me, and while I won’t be intimidated by your parents, I want to start off on the right foot with your dad in particular. Cutting my hair and getting rid of this beard is a small price to pay. Truth is, I’ve been meaning to do it for some time. Your parents coming to town is the incentive I need.”

  Beth’s heart swelled with love and appreciation. “Be yourself, Sam. That’s all I want.”

  He pressed her hand to the side of his face. “Aren’t you even a little bit curious what I look like without all this hair?” he asked.

  Actually, Beth did wonder. Until now, she’d never given it much thought. The beard was part of Sam. The long hair, too.

  Sam squinted at her. “What’s up? You’re looking at me funny.”

  “I’m trying to picture you without a beard.”

  He winked at her and gave her one of his special smiles. “You’ll see soon enough.”

  Beth sipped her latte and sighed, thinking about her aunt. “You did warn me,” she murmured, thinking out loud.

  “Warn you about what?”

  Beth looked up. “That dinner I arranged for my aunt and Peter Hamlin.”

  “I thought you said it went fine?”

  “That was what Sunshine led me to believe, but I think she’s not telling me the full truth.”

  “It didn’t go well?”

  “I don’t think so. When we spoke she said it was a real surprise for them both, but she didn’t say it was a pleasant one. I quizzed her about it and all she’d tell me was that they spent time catching up.”

  Sam studied her as if trying to read between the lines of her aunt’s comment. “What were you expecting to happen, Beth?”

  That was the same question she’d asked herself countless times since her talk with Sondra Reacher earlier that evening. “I don’t know…I thought, I hoped, they would reconnect and give their relationship a second chance. In retrospect, that sounds foolishly romantic and a little silly, doesn’t it?”

  “Not in the least. You have such a warm, generous heart, and seeing them find love again would be natural for you.”

  Sam was being more than kind when she felt like she deserved to be chastised for stirring up old hurts that were none of her business.

  “Are you thinking nothing good will come out of their dinner?”

  “Doubtful,” Beth admitted. “I asked Sunshine if she was going to keep in touch with Peter and she gave me a sad smile and said probably not.”

  Beth didn’t have a clear picture of what had actually transpired between the two. She knew they’d had ample opportunity to talk and square things away. But it didn’t sound like anything of importance had taken place. And she was even more convinced of that after she’d heard from Sondra Reacher.

  “What I really wanted,” Beth said, clearing her thoughts, “was for there to be healing. I don’t know entirely what went wrong between them, other than the fact that my mother played a role in their breakup. But there’s more going on than I’m aware of.” Her throat grew thick and she swallowed hard. “Oh Sam, I think I might have stirred up a hornet’s nest.”

  Sam stood and took the chair next to her, placing his arm around her shoulder. Beth leaned closer to him, seeking his warmth. “You have every right to say you told me so. You did warn me.”

  “You meant well.”

  “I did.” Little good that did anyone now, especially Sondra Reacher, who, thanks to Beth, was without a job.

  Beth exhaled a long breath with the decision to tell him everything. “I talked to Sondra this afternoon. She’s the receptionist I worked with to set up the meeting with Sunshine and Peter.”

  “I remember.”

  “Mr. Hamlin fired her.”

  “What?”

  “The first thing he did when he got back was to call her into his office.” It was unfortunate that Sondra worked Mondays. Perhaps if Mr. Hamlin had taken a few days to cool down, he might have had a change of heart.

  “What excuse did he use?”

  “She said he didn’t give her any excuse. All he said was that her services would no longer be needed and that she should pack up her things and leave. He had one of the interns escort her from the office.” That must have been especially humiliating to the woman who had served the law firm for nearly forty years.

  Sam didn’t comment, but his arm tightened around her shoulders.

  “I was excited for Sunshine and made this surprise out to be something wonderful. After I talked to Sondra I realized that the dinner must have been a disaster and Sunshine didn’t want to tell me how awful it was.”

  Sam kissed the top of her head. “Your heart was in the right place, so don’t beat yourself up over it. Move on. I’m sure that’s what Sunshine is doing.”

  Beth wanted to believe that, but she wasn’t convinced.

  “If nothing else, you gave them the opportunity to set the past straight, and that was a gift all of its own. If it didn’t work out, that’s not on your head. That rests on the two of them.”

  Sam’s encouraging words helped and Beth was able to sleep that night.

  —

  Tuesday afternoon as soon as she was free to leave the high school, Beth drove to her aunt’s. She found Sunshine as she most often did, working in her studio.

  Her aunt glanced over her shoulder and brightened when she saw Beth. “I imagine you’re here to discuss Thanksgiving. I ordered a fresh turkey. A little traditional, I know, but that is what your mother would expect. I’d much rather serve Thai, which is what I did last year. I had several friends over and it was a marvelous meal. Best sticky rice ever.”

  “I want to help.”

  “I should hope so,” Sunshine teased. “Cooking was never my strong suit, and you know your mother. Everything has to be perfect. I don’t even have a matching set of silverware. Can’t imagine what she’ll think of that.”

  Beth remembered Thanksgiving dinner from past years and the elaborate table settings her mother prepared. They were worthy of inviting Martha Stewart to join in the celebration or anyone from the DIY Network, for that matter. Her mother took pride in making sure every detail of their meal was perfection. The meal itself was catered and the guests were carefully scrutinized and evaluated for their potential usefulness long before invitations were mailed.

  Thanksgiving at Sunshine’s would be something of an experience for her mother. As for her father, Beth didn’t think he much cared or noticed. He gave Ellie free rein when it came to entertaining.

  “If you do the turkey and the stuffing, I’ll see to the side dishes.”

  They reviewed the menu and Beth paid special attention to her aunt, looking for any signs of depression or unhappiness. She wanted to apologize for intruding on her aunt’s life but was afraid bringing up Saturday would hurt more than help.

  “When do your parents arrive?”

  “Tomorrow. Around three.”

  “Are you picking them up at the airport?”

  Beth shook her head. “Mom ordered a car service to take them directly to the hotel. She asked to meet Sam and me for dinner that evening.”

  Sunshine cocked one brow in question.

  “I didn’t say anything to Sam about it, though. I’ll go
on my own,” she said, feeling uncertain. When he met her mother again and her father for the first time, Beth would rather her aunt was there as a buffer.

  “You don’t need to worry about Sam.”

  Sunshine was right. Sam was perfectly capable of holding his own with her mother. He had once already.

  “I don’t plan to take them to my apartment, either.”

  “Beth, why ever not? You have nothing to be ashamed of.”

  “I know,” she said. “I’m just convinced Kier made it sound like I live in a shady part of town. For sure it’s far beneath Mom’s standards, but it’s mine and I love it. I won’t stand to hear her criticize any part of the life I’m living. Far as I’m concerned, I’m preventing an argument.”

  Sunshine nodded approvingly. “Smart.”

  Beth refused to defend her choices. Then, feeling she couldn’t ignore what happened with Sunshine and Peter, Beth found the courage to broach the subject.

  “Sunshine,” she said tentatively, “I have the feeling the dinner with Peter didn’t go as well as you want me to believe.”

  Her aunt picked up her paintbrush and turned back to the canvas. “What makes you say that?”

  “Well, for one thing, I heard from my coconspirator that Mr. Hamlin fired her first thing Monday morning.”

  Sunshine’s head sagged as though the news weighed heavily upon her. She seemed to take the news personally. “Did he really?”

  “I realize she probably shouldn’t have been so free with his personal information. I feel terrible about that.” Sondra had been less upset about her dismissal than Beth had.

  “Peter said he was going to let her go,” Sunshine whispered, “but I didn’t actually think he’d go that far.”

  “Sondra worked part-time and is semiretired. She says she’s fine with it. What bothers me is knowing that I was responsible for her losing her job.”