If Not for You

by Debbie Macomber

  Sam sat up straighter and eyed the young teenager, who must have been around thirteen or fourteen, approaching the piano. She had on a white dress and her dark hair was curled. Sliding onto the bench, she glanced nervously toward the front row.

  Sam felt for the kid, who was clearly anxious.

  “Oh Sam, isn’t she lovely?”

  He shrugged. From this distance they all sort of looked the same. He did sit up and take notice when her hands went to the keys. Her back straightened and before his eyes, the teenager was immediately transformed. The girl who had been self-conscious and jittery took on a completely different persona. He didn’t recognize the number she’d chosen to play. What he did notice was that the girl was clearly gifted. It was as if she surrendered herself to the music, giving over her heart. When she finished, there was a moment of awe and silence before the room exploded in applause.

  Sam applauded, too.

  The next student was introduced, and Beth leaned close and whispered, “We can go now if you want.”

  “We can?” This was an unexpected surprise.

  She nodded and stood. They were at the end of the aisle, so their leaving didn’t disturb anyone. Sam waited until they were outside before he spoke.

  “I thought you said none of your students were part of the recital.”

  “They weren’t,” she said, smiling at him. Her eyes twinkled with delight.

  “That last girl, the one who played so beautifully, wasn’t someone you know?”

  “No.” Her smile was huge.

  “She’s someone from the high school?”

  “Nope.”

  “Are you going to make me guess?”

  “Actually, I thought you might recognize her but apparently not.”

  Sam frowned. Recognize her? “I know her?” he asked.

  “Sam,” Beth said, as she placed her hand on his arm. Looking at him, her eyes were full of love. “This is the Christmas surprise I mentioned. That beautiful young girl with that gift for music is your daughter, Luci.”

  The shock of her words hit him with such force it caused him to stumble back two steps. It felt like a two-by-four had been slammed into his midsection. He was too stunned to breathe, and when he was able to gasp a breath it was followed by blinding pain.

  “Are you surprised?” Beth asked, with what he could only guess was expectation.

  “How…?” Getting out that one word past the blinding pain tightening his chest was all he was able to manage.

  “How did I find her?” Beth supplied the rest of the question for him. “It was sheer luck and a tiny bit of checking. When you told me about your daughter, I asked Nichole about Trish. That relationship was before she knew Rocco, but he’d shared Trish’s last name when she asked. Then at one of my meetings with other music teachers, we were all talking about our most talented students. When one of my friends mentioned Luci’s name, I asked about her and I figured it out from there. Same name, right age. She’s your daughter.”

  Sam realized Beth had no clue what she’d done. No clue whatsoever. When his chest relaxed enough for him to breathe normally again, he started walking toward the car. Beth had to scurry to catch up with him.

  “Are you surprised?” she asked again, still two or three steps behind him. “It makes sense Luci would be musical because you are. You taught yourself to play the guitar, and, Sam, you’re good. You’re really good. She got that talent from you.”

  He had nothing to say. Not one word.

  “Luci is so gifted,” Beth continued. “My friend told me about her and how hard she practices. She’s shy, but when she sits down at the piano she feels completely at ease. You saw it when she performed, didn’t you? I did. The minute she set her hands on the keyboard she gained all the confidence she needed. It was a beautiful sight. Don’t you think so?”

  When he reached the car, Sam leaned forward, bracing his hands against the hood while emotion raged through him like a storming wildfire. He had to blot out Beth and her words.

  “Sam?” Beth stood at his side. “Did I do something wrong?” For the first time she sounded unsure.

  “Get in the car,” he demanded.

  “But…”

  “Get. In. The. Car.”

  She blinked hard. He’d never spoken to her in this way. Still, she hesitated but eventually did as he asked.

  Sam remained outside, buffeted by the wind and a light drizzle. He leaned his back against the side of the vehicle and dug the heels of his hands into his eyes. Beth thought she’d given him this great gift when she might as well have taken a scalpel and dug out his heart.

  For the first time in years, life had felt good. Just when it seemed that he could move beyond the pain of Trish’s betrayal, he was hit in the face with it. Just when he felt he was able to put the past behind him, she thrust it at him like a fast-pitch baseball. No more than a few rows in front of him was the woman he had loved and the child he had lost, and Beth assumed she was doing him this great favor. This was his Christmas gift? The gift she was excited to share with him? Was the woman that insensitive? That oblivious?

  He heard the door creak open and Beth climbed out again. “Sam,” she whispered, and placed her hand on his shoulder. “Please say something. I feel awful. I thought…I hoped. Oh Sam, please believe me I didn’t do this to hurt you.”

  “Don’t. Just don’t. Get back in the car and stay there before I say something I’ll regret.”

  She slid back inside the car and closed the door once again. Sam paced the area for several more minutes until he felt he could talk. Even then the band of pain around his chest had loosened only enough for him to feel limited control of his emotions.

  When he felt he could, he got into the car and started the engine.

  “Sam…I’m so sorry. I thought you’d want to see your daughter. I didn’t do this to hurt you,” Beth said, her voice low and tight with concern. “Did I?”

  “You think?”

  “You know I’d never intentionally do anything to hurt you, don’t you?”

  He laughed without humor. “I’d hate to think of what you’d do if you were. Another one of your little surprises would probably cripple me for life.”

  “I thought—”

  “Don’t say anything more,” he snapped. “Don’t tell me your intentions were good. I don’t want to hear it.”

  “I wasn’t going to say that.”

  “Good. It’d be better if you said nothing.” He didn’t want to be cruel, but he couldn’t deal with her questions and his pain at the same time. It was all he could manage to hold himself together.

  “I’m sorry, Sam. I…thought you’d want to see your daughter.”

  They rode ten minutes in silence.

  It came to him as they reached the freeway entrance that he had no clue where he was driving. Dinner with Rocco and Nichole was out of the question. No way could he sit across the table from friends and be sociable and celebrate the holidays. No way on God’s green earth. Not with the way he currently felt. He wanted to hit something, plow his fist into a wall or scream in pain and frustration.

  As soon as he could, he exited the freeway and headed back to Beth’s apartment.

  The silence in the car was thick with tension. When he pulled up to the front of her building, Beth looked at him.

  “Please say something.”

  “What do you want me to say?” He couldn’t look at her, afraid if he did he would unleash his frustration and anger on her, say things he’d regret. He had the power to destroy her and he wouldn’t, couldn’t, retaliate with words that would wound her.

  “Just something, please. I leave tomorrow and I can’t go knowing what I did hurt you.”

  “Go, Beth, get out of the car. Now.”

  She placed her hand on the door handle but didn’t move. Her head drooped. “I can’t leave you like this.”

  “If you don’t get out of the car, then I’m going to tell you what I’m feeling and you’re not going to want to he
ar it.”

  “I do. I need to know.”

  “Fine.” He whirled around so that he was facing her. “Tell me, in the name of all that’s holy, what gave you the right? You can’t seem to leave well enough alone. Look what you did to your aunt. You ripped her heart open and jumped on it, disturbing the peace she’d made with her past. And what about that attorney? How do you think he must have felt? Did you see how she was after that surprise dinner you arranged? Didn’t you notice the pain in her eyes? Are you so blind?”

  “I…I didn’t know it would turn out the way it did.”

  “What right do you have to dig up old wounds? And what’s worse is that you clearly didn’t learn a lesson from the awful mess you created earlier. Oh no, Sunshine wasn’t enough, you had to meddle in my life, too.”

  Beth had gone pale.

  “Apparently, you don’t have a clue what you’ve done. Tell me, Beth, did you honestly think you were doing me a favor by bringing up the most painful period of my life and rubbing my face in it? In that messed-up head of yours, did you see any good coming out of reminding me of the daughter I can never speak to, never acknowledge, never know? Are you that insensitive?”

  “Sam, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize.”

  “You’re sorry? Do you really think sorry is going to cut it?”

  She hung her head. “I guess it isn’t.”

  “You want to apologize, then start with your aunt and every other life you decided to butt into.”

  Beth continued to sit for several seconds before she asked, “What does this mean for us?”

  “Funny you should ask.” Sam tried to calm himself. “I need to think. I love you, Beth. God help me, it’s true. But I don’t know that I can be with someone who would do something like this. I’m glad you’re leaving. That will give me time to think if this is a relationship worth continuing.”

  She gasped. “Please, Sam, tell me you didn’t mean that we’re through. I couldn’t bear that.”

  He kept his hands tightened around the steering wheel and found he couldn’t answer for several moments. “It’s for the best.”

  “You’re angry with me now, I understand that. I’m sorry, so sorry. If you—”

  “I don’t want to hear it, Beth. Please, don’t say anything more.”

  “I love you.”

  He refused to look at her for fear of what would happen if he did. If he saw the pain in her eyes, he’d never be able to let her go.

  “I thought you’d want to know about Luci.”

  Sam grimaced at the sound of his daughter’s name. It felt as if Beth had reached out and struck him. She didn’t seem to understand that apologizing only made what she’d done worse.

  “I do mean it.”

  “I’m not willing to give up on us, Sam. We can work through this. If you feel this strongly, then give it the two weeks I’m away. We both need to think about this. When I get back, then we can talk again. Okay?”

  The plea in her voice nearly broke his resolve. At this point he wasn’t willing to agree to anything. Tightening his jaw, he held firm. “I’ll let Rocco know we won’t be joining him and Nichole for dinner.”

  “If that’s what you want,” she whispered, tears in her voice.

  “It would be best if you went inside now.” His grip on the steering wheel was so tight his knuckles went white.

  She opened the car door then. “I don’t believe you mean it,” she insisted. “You’re angry with me and…and I don’t blame you. But I would never do anything to purposely hurt you.”

  “I don’t know what you were thinking, Beth. It’s hard to believe you could be this insensitive.”

  Once outside his truck, she looked back, her eyes pleading with his.

  He felt it best to leave it at that. “Good-bye, Beth.”

  She closed the door and stepped back, and Sam drove off.

  CHAPTER 36

  Beth

  Beth didn’t know how she could have been so wrong. Seeing the pain in Sam’s eyes when she told him the girl at the piano was his daughter had crushed her. Knowing she was the one responsible for putting it there ate at her like acid. Sam accused her of being insensitive and manipulative, words that had cut deep. Sleeping had been impossible. She got a text message from Nichole wanting to know what had happened that they couldn’t make the dinner. Beth left it unanswered. She didn’t know what to tell her friend, and in the emotional state she was in, talking to anyone about Sam wasn’t a good idea.

  When she landed in Chicago and turned on her phone, she saw a voice message. She stopped on the jetway, hoping it was from Sam, praying he’d had a change of heart and wanted to talk. Holding the phone to her ear, she closed her eyes.

  Instead of Sam, an automated voice droned on. “This is a courtesy call to remind you of your appointment with Peter Hamlin on Monday morning at nine-thirty a.m.”

  Disheartened, Beth tossed her phone back in her purse and continued out of the jetway. Weeks ago, she’d scheduled the appointment, never intending to keep it. At the time, setting it up was the only way she’d been able to get in touch with the lawyer without raising a lot of suspicion.

  After the things Sam had said to her, Beth felt a need to meet with the attorney. If nothing else, she could apologize and hope he would forgive her. If Peter could look past what she’d done, then perhaps Sam could, too. The appointment had completely slipped her mind and felt like an unexpected gift now. Seeing him would give her the opportunity to apologize and hopefully set matters right.

  —

  Monday morning her mother was disappointed to have Beth race into the city first thing until she heard the reason.

  When she arrived at the suite of offices, Beth was impressed with the expensive decor. The waiting area was filled with leather furniture and high-end artwork hanging on the walls. She gave her name to the receptionist, who instructed her to take a seat.

  “Mr. Hamlin will be with you directly.”

  “Thank you.”

  Beth found a chair and drew in deep breaths in an effort to calm her nerves. This appointment was either a very good or a very bad idea, and she was soon to find out which. Up to this point, from everything she’d heard and her own brief experience with the man, it had all been negative.

  No more than five minutes later she was escorted into Peter Hamlin’s office. He had a corner office with a breathtaking view of Lake Michigan.

  He stood as she entered the room and extended his hand. “Ms. Prudhomme,” he greeted her, “please take a seat.”

  She took the comfortable-looking leather chair directly across from his desk.

  Settling down himself, he reached for a pad and pen before asking, “How may I help you?”

  Her nerve had nearly deserted her and Beth bit into her lower lip. She straightened, gathered her resolve, and started. “I’m here to apologize.”

  “Apologize?” he asked, frowning.

  He didn’t recognize her name, which was probably a good thing. If he had, he might have refused to see her. “I went behind your and my aunt Sunshine’s back and arranged the meeting between you two. I realize now that by prying into your life I brought you both pain. My hope was that once you saw each other again, you’d talk, sort out the past, and reconnect.”

  “Reconnect?” He made it sound laughable.

  “I…hoped you could resolve your differences, that there would be healing for you both.” This wasn’t going well. “I thought I was helping but clearly I wasn’t and for that I’m genuinely sorry.”

  Leaning back in his chair, he steepled his fingers and stared at her long and hard. “What exactly made you think shocking us both by arranging this dinner would help?” he demanded.

  She hesitated, hoping he wouldn’t immediately kick her out of his office. “In retrospect, I don’t know. This is a weak excuse, I know, but at the time it sounded like a good idea.”

  His expression remained closed and hard, and an awkward silence ensued. A silence Beth felt obligated to fi
ll.

  “It has recently come to my attention that what I did was terribly wrong and caused both you and my aunt a lot of pain. I wanted you to know that I deeply regret my actions and hope that you would be willing to look past my…arrogance.” This was the short speech she had prepared and practiced on her drive into the city.

  Peter continued to stare at her.

  “Also, I wanted to thank you for rehiring Mrs. Reacher.”

  He scowled. “Sunshine asked me if I would, so don’t think it was due to any generosity on my part. She’s decided to work only on Fridays, as if she’s the one doing me a favor.”

  “Oh.” It reflected well on him that he would follow through with her aunt’s request.

  He looked as if he was about to say something more but didn’t.

  Not having anything else on her mind, Beth started to stand when she noticed the painting on the side wall. She was in a half sitting, half standing position when she swiveled her attention back to Peter Hamlin. The painting was one of her aunt’s. Beth remembered then that Sondra Reacher had mentioned Peter had one of her paintings in his office. It was how she recognized Sunshine’s name. Just seeing it she felt a rush of promise, wondering if she should mention it or not. It only took her a second to decide not to bring it up. She’d said what she came to tell him and it was best to leave it at that, although it was hard not to comment.

  “I see you’ve noticed Sunshine’s painting,” Peter Hamlin said. “It’s one of her earlier pieces.”

  “You’ve had it a long time?”

  He nodded, although he seemed a little reluctant to admit it. “How is your aunt doing?” he asked.

  “If you mean health-wise, she’s well.”

  “And otherwise?”

  Beth sat back down and stared at her hands. “I…a friend told me that my meddling in her life and yours was the wrong thing to do. In my twisted thinking I assumed, I’d hoped, for so much more for you both, but my efforts did far more harm than good.” But it wasn’t all bad news. “On a positive note,” she rushed to explain, “my mom and my aunt have reconciled.”