The Thubway Tham Megapack

by Johnston McCulley

  Thubway Tham felt a lump come into his throat, and it startled him, for he had not believed himself capable of emotion. Why, he simply had to get that eighty dollars, he told himself! He couldn’t fool those expectant newsboys! If that con­founded Craddock—

  He turned around to find Craddock grinning at him. It was almost as if the detective had read his thoughts. Thubway Tham never resorted to violence in his work, but he felt now that he would like to have Detective Craddock walking through a dark alley and be waiting there himself with a club in his hands.

  He started walking around the square. Craddock followed, of course. Tham glanced at his watch, and saw that it was almost eleven o’clock. He had only two hours.

  Once more he turned toward the subway entrance, this time to find some sort of a crowd there. Thubway Tham plunged into it gracefully, like a swimmer plunging into the ocean’s ample waters. He darted here and there on the platform below. A train dashed in, and Thubway Tham got into one of the cars without Craddock noticing him. The train started. Thubway Tham caught a glimpse of Craddock on the platform outside, and Craddock saw him. But Thubway Tham was on an express train, and Craddock would have to wait for the next—nor did he know at which station Thubway Tham would get off.

  Tham scarcely knew that himself. He decided, finally, to change and go as far uptown as Columbus Circle. That was territory that meant trouble if Craddock saw him there, for Thubway Tham had been warned to remain away from that district. The warning had followed some particularly bold thefts around the Columbus Circle station.

  Tham was gratified to find this train was more crowded than the others had been. He left his seat and stood not far from one of the doors. He saw an elderly gentleman of prosperous appearance in whose face was reflected the spirit of the holiday. Tham felt sure the elderly gentleman could afford to lose a few dollars, and that perhaps he was the sort of man who would have fed a group of newsboys himself, had he happened to think of it.

  The train stopped, and the crowd surged from the cars. Thubway Tham brushed against the elderly gentleman for a moment, and an instant later he had a fat wallet in his own pocket.

  Thubway Tham’s heart exulted as he reached the street. He could return to Union Square and keep faith with his newsies now. He could eat with them, and make sure that they enjoyed it, and he would make friends.

  He made his way quickly to a convenient saloon, sat down at a table, and ordered a drink. Waiting until he was sure that nobody was observing him, he took the wallet from his pocket. He wanted to remove the money and get rid of the damning purse; it wouldn’t do to have Craddock or some other detective find that on his person. As for the money itself, bills are hard to identify.

  He opened the wallet and searched it quickly. And once more hope fled his breast.

  The wallet contained no money at all. In it were newspaper and magazine clippings furnished by a clipping bureau, all having to do with some art collection.

  Thubway Tham was almost sobbing now. He looked at his watch again and found that it was noon. Within a few minutes his guests would be gathering at the restaurant in Union Square. They would wait patiently for him at first, and then doubt would begin to enter their hearts; finally they would decide that Thubway Tham had worked a cruel hoax on them.

  Tham considered his watch. At a certain place far downtown he could get ten dollars on that watch; he knew, because he often had done it before. But ten dollars would do no good in the present emergency.

  He tried to think of other resources, and failed to do so. Given several hours, he might have been able to borrow the sum in small amounts from acquaintances in the underworld, but he did not have time for that.

  Thubway Tham threw the wallet into a cuspidor and hurried from the place. He went into the subway again, traveled downtown, and got out at Union Square. And there he met Craddock again.

  “You’ve got to stand a frisk, Tham,” Craddock told him. “You went uptown, and it’s a safe bet that you nicked somebody for his roll.”

  “Thearch me,” said Tham.

  “This is no bluff, Tham. I intend to do it. Stand back here!”

  Craddock searched and found a dollar bill and some change, and that was all.

  “Thee?” Tham asked him. “I just got enough to get my Thankth­givin’ dinner.”

  “Um! How does it come you are so nearly broke, Tham?”

  “Expentheth ith thomething awful,” Tham explained. “I gueth I will have to get a job thome plathe.”

  “Well, why not?”

  “If I did you’d pethter me jutht the thame,” Tham told him. “I thuppothe I am due to be pethtered by you ath long ath I live in thith town.”

  “Huh! Why not move?”

  “And leave the thubway?” Tham asked.

  Such a thought was horrifying. Since the day when it had been thrown open for the use of the public, Thubway Tham had worshiped the big line. Life away from the subway was something too awful for Tham to contemplate.

  He wished Craddock would leave him. It was almost one o’clock, and Tham knew that the newsboys were gathering for the feast he had promised them. He wished now he had had only ten guests at a dollar and a half a plate, but it was too late for that now.

  “Tham, if you’re really broke, I can slip you a five,” Craddock told him. “I expect to send you up the river some day, but I can’t get any glory out of tracking down a hungry man. A hungry man, you know, will make mistakes a man who has had his dinner will not make. This is a square fight between us, Tham.”

  “You couldn’t make it eighty dollarth, could you?” Tham asked.

  “Do you think I’m the First National Bank, my boy? Why do you want eighty dollars?”

  “Oh, I don’t,” said Tham quickly. “I wath jutht talkin’. Thankth for your kindneth, but I can get along without the five.”

  “Well, be mighty careful how you replenish your funds, Tham.”

  “You jutht keep your eyeth open,” Tham advised him. “I can borrow, and I can collect what thome men owe me. And I can get me a job thome plathe when all other hope ith gone.”

  Thubway Tham turned away—and Detective Craddock turned after him. Tham was near to tears. Why, he’d not dare look a newsie in the face after this, he told himself. They’d hate the sight of him. And he didn’t have the nerve to go across to the restaurant and tell them the truth; he knew what sort of a reception that would earn for him.

  He passed the subway entrance, where there was quite a throng now, and Craddock moved closer. But, Tham continued on through the crowd instead of going underground.

  And then the heart of Thubway Tham almost ceased beating. In front of him a man was getting out of a taxi-cab. He paid the chauffeur from a roll of bills and thrust the remaining bills carelessly into the outside pocket of his overcoat. Thubway Tham, desperate, willing to take a chance despite the nearness of Detective Craddock, darted his hand forward and got the bills, transferred them to his own pocket, and went on through the crowd with Craddock at his heels. He walked briskly toward the restaurant, and once, where there was another crowd, he glanced at the bills to find he had ample for his present needs.

  “And I did it right under hith thilly nothe!” Tham exultingly told himself. He turned and faced Craddock boldly. “I am going in thith plathe to get my Thankthgivin’ dinner, and I don’t want you around,” he told the detective. “I ain’t got much money and I want to enjoy my meal. And I can’t do it if you are near. You give me indigethtion.”

  “Fair enough, Tham. Go ahead and eat!” Craddock said.

  Tham turned into the restaurant.

  “Ah, Mr. Jones, we were beginning to get a bit worried about you,” the manager said. “Your little guests are here, and looking hungry.”

  “Here ith the eighty,” Tham told him, and counted out the bills, finding that he had some fifteen dollars remaining. And then he hurried to the long table where nineteen grinning newsies shouted a welcome that warmed Thubway Tham’s heart.

  The mana
ger stepped to the door and nodded to Detective Crad­dock. “There’s the kind of man I like,” he said.

  “Who’s that?” Craddock asked.

  “At the head of the long table back there. He’s giving a dinner to nineteen newsboys. I was a bit leary of him for a time, but he’s all right. Showed up at the last minute and paid me the eighty dollars he owed for the dinner.”

  “Just now?” Craddock asked.

  “Sure!”

  “And when I searched him less than ten minutes ago he didn’t have two dollars in his clothes. And he spoke to me about borrowing eighty. I wonder where he got it?”

  One of the newsies hurried out and handed Craddock a cigar.

  “Mr. Jones sent it to you, sir,” the boy explained, “He’s giving us a dinner, and he’s some prince. And he said that, if you were hungry, to come in and he’d have another plate set.”

  Detective Craddock snorted.

  “You tell your friend Mr. Jones,” he said, “that I’ll get him yet!”

  “Yes, sir.”

  “And I hope all of you enjoy your dinner. I don’t care to eat just now. You see, I’m afraid I couldn’t relish the grub just at the present time.”

  THUBWAY THAM’S UNDERSTUDY

  Thubway Tham, the clever little pickpocket who worked only in the subway, who lisped when he talked and called himself Thubway Tham and wanted other men to do the same—Thubway Tham, on this pleasant morning, paced the floor of the dingy room he called home, and frowned, and now and then smote with a fist the opposite palm, and yet chuckled at intervals.

  If you know anything at all about Thubway Tham, you know that a certain city detective, Craddock by name, had sworn to get Thubway Tham “with the goods” and see that he served a long term in the big prison up the river. Now, in order to exist properly, a pickpocket must work the same as men in other walks of life. Make it impossible for him to work, and it is going to be difficult for him to pay room rent and purchase food and clothing. And that is exactly what had happened to Thubway Tham.

  For the past two weeks, Craddock had trailed him so closely and so well that Thubway Tham had been unable to “lift a leather.” His meager funds were exhausted, and Thubway Tham either had to resort to some sort of strategy or go to work in some honest line of endeavor, which latter by no means appealed to him.

  And so Thubway Tham had decided to resort to strategy. He had the acquaintance of a youth of the underworld known as Shifty Peter. This budding criminal was like a boy just out of college—he was undecided what to make his life work. At times he thought he would become a burglar, and then he heard that burglars were having a particularly bad time of it. Then he would almost decide to become a second-story man, and have somebody tell him that there was no class to that part of the profession.

  While trying to decide what course to pursue to fame and fortune, Shifty Peter played at being a sneak thief and managed in some way to live. He admired Thubway Tham, as did others of the underworld—and finally decided that he would become a pickpocket and work his way to the top of the trade.

  Thubway Tham formed what he considered an excellent plot. Shifty Peter would be his understudy. It was a known thing in the underworld that the subway was the special ground of Thubway Tham, and other criminals were to keep away, especially other pickpockets. The police, if a crime was reported from the subway, always credited it to Thubway Tham therefore, and orders had gone forth to get him.

  Now Thubway Tham intended to let Detective Craddock hang about his heels so well that he could not commit a crime, but Shifty Peter would commit crimes, and in the subway. Therefore Craddock would know that all wallets stolen there did not find their way to the pockets of Thubway Tham. The impression would go forth that Tham was not entirely to be blamed for all subway thefts. Moreover, the attention of Craddock would be distracted, and then Thubway Tham could work himself.

  In return for having been taught certain tricks of the trade, and for the protection Thubway Tham could give him, Shifty Peter was to hand to Tham one-half of all the proceeds. This arrangement would give Tham expense money while Craddock was being properly mystified. Shifty Peter had agreed to this without reservation.

  On this morning the test was to be made. Thubway Tham ceased pacing the floor when he heard a knock at the door. He listened, and heard a peculiar hiss that only Shifty Peter could give. Thubway Tham opened the door and let Peter shuffle into the room.

  “Everything ready?” Peter asked.

  “Yeth,” Tham replied. “We will try it thith noon at the ruth hour. Ath my underthtudy, I expect you to not dithgrathe me. You mutht not be nervouth. Keep cool, Thifty, and never play the thimp! Uthe judgment when you pick your man! Remember all I have told you, and you’ll get along all right!”

  “Don’t you go to worrying about me, Tham, old boy!” Shifty Peter told him.

  “You get too confident and you’ll probably go to jail!” Tham said. “Pickin’ a pocket ith no eathy thtunt! The betht of uth make mith­taketh, and you’re only an amateur!”

  “Oh, I’ll be careful, Tham.”

  “Then we’ll thtart. I thuppothe that thilly ath of a Craddock will be waitin’ on the corner to pick me up. He’th even got a man helpin’ him now. It ith gettin’ to be tho an honetht crook can’t make a livin’.”

  “You said a mouthful there, old-timer!”

  Thubway Tham glared at him. “Don’t get freth!” he warned. “Thith ith no eathy buthineth! You remember everything I told you, and pay attention to your work! And you watch out for Craddock, too! Now, we’ll thtart!”

  They left the room, and Shifty Peter went down the rear stairs to the alley, through the alley to the street, and loitered near the corner. Detective Craddock was there, but he gave Peter no attention at all. Craddock was after Thubway Tham.

  Tham went down the front stairs and turned the corner. Crad­dock met him face to face and grinned.

  “Good morning, Tham!” he said.

  “It ith not a good morning when I thee your ugly fathe!” Tham replied.

  “In a bad humor, eh? Maybe you didn’t sleep good last night; or are you having domestic troubles?”

  “I thlept all right, and I ain’t got anybody to have do­methtic troubleth with!” Tham told him. “But I get chronic dythpepthia whenever I thee you! You are ruinin’ my thtomach, man!”

  “Well, I’m sorry, Tham. But you’re not using your stomach much these days anyway, are you?”

  “No?”

  “No!” said Craddock. “Your day’s work is about done, Tham. We are keeping our eyes on you. You don’t nick any more men for their rolls in the subway, old boy!”

  “Thay—!”

  “Now please do not start singing that old song about being an innocent and misunderstood man, Tham! We’re wise to you!”

  “Yeth?”

  “Yes!”

  “Are you goin’ to pethter me again today?” Thubway Tham de­manded. “Mutht I put up with it?”

  “I like your companionship so much, Tham,” Craddock said, “that I insist upon going wherever you go, until you start on your trip up the river.”

  “Yeth?”

  “Yes! You had my goat for a while, Tham, but I’ve got it back now—and maybe yours along with it.”

  “Well, my goodneth! Lithten to the man!” Thubway Tham said to the world at large. “It taketh a mighty good man to get my goat, a better man than any on the polithe forthe!”

  “So?” said Craddock.

  “Tho! I’ll have to thlow down a lot before anybody getth my goat! No thimp of a cop can do it! Thome of theth dayth, Craddock, you are goin’ to make me mad. And then there ith goin’ to be one awful fight, and a vacanthy on the forthe—a big hole where onthe you were!”

  “Oh, I’m not alarmed, Tham!” Craddock said, looking down at him and laughing. “By the way, were you thinking of riding on the subway this morning?”

  “I thertainly am!”

  “Better take the elevated or surface cars, Tham—o
r walk. It makes us nervous to have you in the subway.”

  “That ith nothin’ in my young life!”

  “If you insist upon taking the subway, Tham, I’ll have to trot right along with you,” said Craddock.

  “If you want to thpend your money on thubway ticketth, it ith none of my buthineth,” Tham told him.

  “Oh, it is expense money, Tham, old boy—city money.”

  “No wonder the tackthpayerth ith alwayth howlin’!” Tham told him. He turned his back and made for the nearest subway entrance. Detective Craddock trotted along at his heels.

  Shifty Peter trailed them both, rapidly approaching them.

  II.

  Thubway Tham entered the subway and took a train uptown. Detective Craddock and Shifty Peter got into the same car, Craddock within half a dozen feet of Tham, and Shifty Peter at the other end. Before they had passed three stations, the car was jammed.

  Thubway Tham was standing facing Craddock, with whom he maintained a conversation, and from this position he could watch Shifty Peter easily. Being an experienced pickpocket, and having trained this understudy himself, Thubway Tham instantly spotted the man Peter had selected as a victim. Thubway Tham was well pleased with the novice: It was such a man as he himself might have selected, a man whose appearance indicated prosperity and carelessness.

  “You make me thick!” he was telling Craddock. “Who ever gave you a lithenthe to be a detective? You follow me around like a hound thmellin’ a thteak, and while you’re doin’ that thome dip probably ith gettin’ away with thomething thome plathe elthe.”

  “Don’t let that worry you, Tham, old boy. I’m not the only man on the force.”

  “You act it at timeth,” Thubway Tham told him. “Jutht becauthe onthe I wath caught, you blame everything on me. Every time a purthe ith thnatched in the thubway, of courthe it ith Tham who did it!”

  “That’s what we think.”

  “Yeth! That ith what you think! It ith eathier to blame it on me than to look for the real crook! You make me thick!”

  “You’ll be still sicker on the day you make a little slip and I nab you and start you up the river.”