Encyclopaedia of Hell: An Invasion Manual for Demons Concerning the Planet Earth and the Human Race Which Infests It

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Encyclopaedia of Hell: An Invasion Manual for Demons Concerning the Planet Earth and the Human Race Which Infests It Page 5

by Olson, Martin


  ANARCHY (ăn är kē) n. 1. Political theory which asserts the obvious, that Humanity is incapable of organizing its existence, and asks “Why bother?” 2. The belief that human chaos is more fundamental than human order.

  ANNIHILATION (ən nī əl ā shən) n. See Vaporization.

  ANTHEM, NATIONAL (ăn thəm) n. An insipid, contentless piece of Muzak used to inspire and hypnotize humans into pledging sentimental allegiance to the mother group and kill on command its designated enemies.

  ANTI-CHRIST (ăn tē krīst) n. The mythic Messiah’s Evil Twin, as promulgated in the puerile annals of Earth mythos. Also known as Anti-Buddha, Anti-Allah, Anti-Mohammed and Santa, the Anti-Christ is noted for achievements such as crib death, colon cancer, brain tumors and alternative comedy. In addition, he is known as mentor to arms merchants, mass murderers, advertising executives, art critics and music video directors. See Television.

  Antichrist Displaying Hell’s Soul-Destroying Weapon

  ANTI-EVIL (ăn tī ē vəl) n. See Good.

  The Heirs of Earth

  ANTS (ăntz) n. The original owners and, after the humans complete their self-extinction program now in progress, ultimate inheritors of the Earth. See Insects.

  COMMENTARY BY AHRIMAN

  Ants are group-mind matrices in small corpuscular form, enacting a micro-analogy of human group-mind seek/find/build/destroy activity in human ant colonies known as cities (q.v.). Ants are referred to as “pests” by humans, whose bizarre, narrow thought lattices do not perceive that the blind format-following of ants’ movements precisely reflect their own.

  APOCRYPHA (ə pä krə fə) n. A section of Scripture (q.v.) deemed false because it contradicts official doctrine and causes humans to question authority. Feared by all political, social and financial structures, apocryphal information causes the human drones to veer from the norm and to speed up evolution, which is the greatest threat to centralized power.

  AQUARIUM, PUBLIC (ə kwâr ē əm) n. Locale in which humans enslave and torture marine animals for the purpose of selling corn dogs, T-shirts and key chains.

  ARISTOTLE (âr ĭs tät əl) n. A moron known as a philosopher (q.v.) who is the masculine counterpart of Plato (q.v.). Aristotle schizophrenically maintained that the material world was supreme, and yet that somehow gods created it. His attempt to enumerate, identify and categorize every aspect of human existence is a touching tribute to Mankind’s delusion of controlling a cosmos within which they are

  Aristotle: Enumerating & Systematizing Imbecile

  less than specks, as they dream of becoming the illusory gods which they hatefully adore.

  Archaeologist With Grave-Robbing Cart

  ARCHAEOLOGIST (är kē ôl ə jĭst) n. A graverobber who smokes a pipe.

  COMMENTARY BY BELIAL

  Since Earth is a dumping ground for Hell’s Garbage, archaeologists mistake Hell’s worthless refuse for sacred Earth artifacts. Stonehenge, for example, is considered a sacred monument, whereas it was merely bumper slabs in an East Hell Parking Lot.

  ARGENTINA (är jən tē nə) n. Scenic retirement oasis for Nazis (q.v.).

  Dipping Appendage

  ARM (ärm) n. Part of the human anatomy which, when boiling a human in oil as a snack, may be used as a dipping handle.

  ARMS DEALER (ärmz dē lər) n. See Weapons Manufacturer.

  ARSON (är sən) n. See Orphanage .

  ART (ärt) n. Archetypal mirrors monotonously reflecting the paucity of human thought patterns.

  Art Critic Defining Aesthetic Taste for Buffoon

  ART CRITIC (ärt krĭ tĭk) n. 1. A human fop who convincingly props himself up as a supreme arbiter of aesthetic taste. 2. A rare human welcomed at the Gates of Hell.

  COMMENTARY BY AHRIMAN

  The reason for the art critic’s success on Earth is because the mass of spineless humans have been conditioned to believe that they are unable to determine for themselves what they like and do not like. Thus an art critic is analogous to a fascist dictator who, through flashy, shallow rhetoric, proclaims which works shall live and which shall die.

  ART GALLERY (ärt găl ər ē) n. A plush environment in which humans honor the art of forgery.

  ASSHOLOSCOPE (ăs hō lō skōp) n. A useful Demonic device for locating a human attorney, art critic, stage magician or professional psychic.

  ASS-KISSER (ăs kĭs ər) n. The traditional role of Man in the Man-God relationship.

  Astronaut Engaged in Excreting in Spacesuit

  ASTRONAUT (ăs trə nät) n. That which ejects urine and shit into space. See Space Program; Space debris.

  ATHEISM (ā thē ĭz əm) n. 1. A bizarre human doctrine which states that the Cosmos is dead, absurdly ignoring the fact that the atheist himself is part of the Cosmos, and that if a part of a whole is alive, the whole, obviously, is not dead. 2. Yet another paltry, orthodox religion which worships either “God” or Satan under the nickname “Nothingness.”

  COMMENTARY BY ZYK

  In sonnet form, I herein explore this gauche doctrine which absurdly and arrogantly denies the Reality of the Executives of Hell:

  Atheistic humans are brindled

  machinations,

  Cranked by clocks, along their

  course careening,

  Hypnotized by nothingness’ concat-

  enations,

  Terrified to face the mystery of

  their meaning.

  Atheistic brains with bloody cogs

  enmeshed,

  Denying their souls’ reality and

  asserting wheels

  As the only inhabitants of their

  flesh,

  Denying that Reality all conceals

  and reveals.

  And when Mankind winds down

  as a mechanism

  Extinguishing Itself in whispered

  pause,

  When the last spider weaves

  its final prism,

  And peeps at the world’s end

  through crystal gauze,

  Then the last insipid atheist,

  bursting from his womb of gore,

  May suck the Teat of Nothingness,

  and gurgle:

  I am machine no more.

  ATOM (ă təm) n. The name given to the mythological Original Microcosm, also known as Adam. Since humans have no working knowledge of the relativity of size and scale, the name was later corrupted to denote their comically primitive idealization of the smallest indivisible particle of matter.

  Deadly Nuclear Midget Which Mocks Mankind

  COMMENTARY BY ASMO DEUS

  Earth’s moronic scientists cower in terror at the concept that there is no smallest indivisible particle of matter, only smaller and smaller “matterless” shapes. The continued division of the atom thus becomes the threshold to the pure energy of archetypal shapes in Lord Satan’s Omniscient Mind.37

  An atom appears to humans as one of Lord Satan’s archetypal forms: a sphere surrounded by orbiting satellites. In the humans’ plodding time frame, these whizzing satellites appear as blurry “shells,” each seemingly coalesced at a different energy state around the sphere. The direct mirroring of this pattern by the temporally slower movement of suns and planets is understandably terrifying to moronic human scientists, since a suggestion that planets represent different energy states suggests a numerological, or symbolic, interpretation of matter. This, of course, is the essence of Demonic Physics, and considered by the human morons as Superstition (q.v.).

  Automobile: Poison-Ingesting and -Excreting Marvel

  The inner and outer mirroring of the atomic, molecular, solar systemic and galactic structures suggests a hypothesis also horrific to human idiots, that all matter is analogous to an illusory, self-replicating and self-extrapolating mental pattern within one Vast Holographic Mind.7

  ATTORNEY (ə tûr nē) n. See Assholoscope; Lawyer.

  ATTRACTION (ə trăk shən) n. In human physics, the coming together of a low-energy state with a high-energy state; for example, the a
ttraction between a flaccid billionaire and a flashy whore.

  COMMENTARY BY LLU CIPHER

  In the clunky Material Creation inhabited by Humanity, Attraction (and its twin brother Repulsion) is the one and only game in town. It manifests as the desire in humans to interpenetrate, to become more than

  7 NOTE BY LORD SATAN: Such a Being, of course, is Inconceivable and therefore Non-existent in Its Inconceivability.*

  * NOTE BY GOD, LORD OF THE PERSONIFIED UNIVERSE: Such a Being, of course, is Myself.

  their puny individual existences by pulling others and other things into the self.

  AUTOMOBILE (ô tə mō bēl) n. A loud, hilariously primitive machine, marketed with shiny paint, which eats poison in one form and excretes it in another. (Despite this, I, Satan, enjoy racing a Standard-Triumph TR3 in the annual Hellcraft 6000.) See Gasoline; Highway.

  AVATAR (ă və tär) n. A group-mind entity who peeps through human flesh. More often than not, however, an avatar is a charismatic scoundrel who learned at an early age how to control his parents by the vicissitudes of his potty training, and has continued in adulthood by shitting on human toilets known as believers.

  COMMENTARY BY LLU CIPHER

  The Mythic Avatar, or monad, is the combined mind of all human idiots. The Avatar, sometimes formed as a democratic organization, comprises an entity of actual (although small) intelligence, although its separate parts are composed of tiny, insecure human cells, each trying to ameliorate their terror of death in a desperate, self-absorbed flurry of orgasms, self-hypnosis and blind groping toward the light or toward the darkness.

  b, B (bē) n. The second alphabetical pictogram, which is designed to depict objects with which it begins: breasts, buttocks, balls, beaver and bum.

  BABOON (bă būn) n. Contrary to the claim of anthropologists, the evolutionary future of Mankind.

  Just Add Food and Suffering

  BABY (bā bē) n. 1. A modest device of clay and water labeled Instant Man: Just add food and suffering. 2. A creature that slowly transforms from one who sucks into one who truly sucks. The ugly, writhing humunculus carcass which rules every human home by screech and scat, often with caesarian caesarism, in a despotic tyranny of mind-numbing screams and hypnotic splatterings of excrement. See Infant.

  COMMENTARY BY LLU CIPHER

  Demons invading Earth-Density will note that these urinating, excreting and vomiting machines scream in increasing terror as they gradually realize that they have been born into the world of Humanity.

  BACK (băk) n. A part of human anatomy which evolved to receive the knife of a friend.

  Human Bachelor

  BACHELOR (bă chə lər) n. The term denoting an unmarried male human. See Playboy; Prostitute ; Sex; Sexism; Testicles.

  COMMENTARY BY LILITH

  The term was invented by male dominators who biased the development of human language in favor of their own genitalia. Compare bachelor, which connotes suave independence, to its female equivalents, old maid and spinster, which connote pathetic, worthless sterility.

  Sliced Pig Flesh

  BACON (bā kən) n. Camouflage term to hypnotize humans into thinking that they are not slobbering over the gore of a pig. See Ham; Pig.

  BACTERIA (băk tĭr ē ə) n. The humans’ gelatinous little friend, the secret ruler of Earth-Density and the hungry heir to the flopping corpse of Humanity. See Kiss.

  Jewelry Signifying Flexible Code of Bribery

  BADGE (băj) n. Jewelry which indicates that either money or drugs are acceptable as bribes.

  Musician Welcoming Humans at Gates of Hell

  BAGPIPE (băg pīp) n. 1. Instrument played by the heralds at the Gates of Hell. 2. The most efficient tool for clearing out a party. See Accordion.

  BAIL (bāl) n. Legal bribe paid by indicted Wall Street brokers before secretly fleeing to waterfront condos in Costa Rica.

  BANK (băngk) n. 1. Institution dedicated to the science of stealing its customers’ assets. 2. Institution which a human must pay to have access to his own money. See Money.

  COMMENTARY BY BEHEMOTH

  Warning: After killing a bank executive, avoid sucking his fluids within the confines of the bank vault. These vaults are used by human executives as private masturbation chambers to achieve orgasm and spew bodily fluids from the testes sac through penile discharge while staring at profits. The distinctive stench of dried banker semen has been written about by Demon Tourists, notably that it inhibits the daemonic appetite and should be avoided at all cost.

  Sphere Manipulated by Overweight Athletes

  BASEBALL (bās bôl) n. A sedentary ceremony in which overweight humans wearing numbers stand motionless in a field while spectators engorge themselves on pig gore. See Sport, Umpire.

  BASKETBALL (băs kĭt bôl) n. A cult in which devotees watch giants throw a sphere through a hole.

  Human Bather Removing Vermin and Filth from Buttocks

  BATH (băth) n. Vat of water used to temporarily remove vermin and filth from human flesh.

  BAUBLES (bô bəlz) n. Signets of low self-esteem which glut the necks, fingers and wrists of humans. Also known as jewelry (q.v.), the more baubles peppering a human epidermis, the lower the self-esteem. See Fashion; Jewelry; Natives.

  Palace for Parasites

  BEARD (bîrd) n. 1. Apartment on the human face, usually low-rent, for ticks, fleas and mites. 2. The normal covering of the male human face. Shaving the face naked, an abnormal act, is considered by humans as “normal.” The normal, unshaven face is considered by humans as outlandish and inconceivable.

  COMMENTARY BY LORD SATAN

  Despite its wan human counterpart, My Beard is a magnificently sculpted complement to the Evil Majesty of my Most Excellent Physique, adding an artful touch of silken sinewy strength to My Ineffable Manly Beauty.

  BEAUTY (byūtē) n. The perverse human adoration of sterile symmetry.

  COMMENTARY BY LILITH

  Although symmetry is the epitome of ugliness to all advanced creatures, this is a concept alien to Mankind. Humans, via their pinhole sensory organs, mistake symmetry as a receptacle of beauty in the same way that a one-eyed dog with glaucoma mistakes an unflushed toilet as a bowl of dog food.8

  8 NOTE BY MEPHIS TOPHIEL: While in a typical drunken stupor, Lilith, of course, has made this mistake many times. BED (bĕd) n. A practice-coffin in which humans nightly rehearse their deaths. See Casket.

  Bed: The Fruits of Faithful Rehearsal

  BEER (bîr) n. See Sports.

  Equatorial Refuge of Kadab

  BERMUDA TRIANGLE (bər myū də trī ăng gəl) n. Equatorial area of Earth-Density and the retirement home of the legendary Demon Abra Kadab (q.v.), renowned for the exquisite gourmet cooking and serving of humans straying into the area to visiting Epicures of Hell.

  BIBLE (bī bəl) n. One of a series of books written by Lord Satan under his various pseudonyms (e.g. “God”). Each bible is utilized by humans to justify xenophobia and mass killings. See Scripture.

  COMMENTARY BY ASMO DEUS

  There are many bibles used by humans; each tribe claims its bible as the only Truth and vehemently denounces other bibles as containing fictional falsity. However, the Truth is, Lord Satan wrote all of these books, “channeling” them through egotistical human buffoons known as Prophets. A recreational hobby of Daemons has long been to insert their own amusing passages into the scriptures channeled by Lord Satan, which are elevated by human dolts in each religion to the ranks of unassailable Dogma.

 

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