Be My Reason

by Brooklyn Taylor

  “Midnight. I need you to come over to Rhonda’s.”

  “Is she okay?”

  “She needs medicine in her pain pump, and I know I should remember how to do it, but I don’t.” I could hear the rattle in my voice so I knew she could too.

  “Wyatt, take a deep breath. I can do it. I have been over there many times with the nurses and they have shown me, just in case I needed to do it. It will all be okay. I’m on my way.”

  I could hear Rhonda snoring from the other room, just a slight hum, and I walked out to the porch that spanned the entire back of her house.

  I stood looking at the stars, begging God to not let her be in pain, not to take her from me.

  It wasn't time.

  Tears dropped and I let them, with only the black sky to see.

  BREIGH

  My hands were shaking the entire time over to Rhonda’s house, scared what condition she was going to be in. I knew she had been suffering but even more seeing Wyatt upset. I knew this loss would be just like losing Grammy, since they were the most important people in our lives. I couldn't fathom the world without her, and I was sure Wyatt felt the same way.

  The last couple weeks I had been coming over to see Rhonda. We had talked and she told me all kinds of stories that made me smile from ear to ear. She had so much love still for her husband and Wyatt. I loved telling her how the trip had gone when I met her sister, and saw the mansion for the first time. She mumbled on and on about what a waste it was to have a home so big that never was used. She said they had grown up with money, her sister and her, but were never spoiled or treated as if they were well off. Her parents had done it right, unlike how her sister had done.

  She also told me how special I was to her, and I told her how she was to me. She had started to talk like she knew her time was shortening, but I never questioned her if and how she knew.

  Wyatt was sitting on the porch when I arrived. I wasn't sure what to say in a situation like this, knowing he was calling me for help that he wasn't able to provide. I knew Wyatt, and I knew it bothered him. “Is she sleeping finally?” I asked.

  “Yes, she was. I have checked on her a few times, and she is snoring a little bit but she seemed like she wasn't in pain.”

  “That’s good. Let me go see what she needs. The nurse logs everything on a tablet in the kitchen.”

  Before walking into the door, Wyatt touched my shoulder. “Thank you for coming. I hated to call and ask, but I felt so helpless.”

  “I love you and I love Rhonda. I am happy to help her.”

  I walked in first and saw her sleeping in her recliner, like she had so many times when I had arrived, or before I was leaving.

  I couldn’t find the log in the spot it was normally placed. Wyatt followed me, waiting for instruction.

  I walked to Rhonda and leaned over her. “Sweetie, where is the log so I can check and see what medicines you need?” I whispered, hoping to not scare her. I had been told previously that letting all the medicine out of her system would hurt her more than help her, and I hoped that wasn’t the case right now.

  I lightly tapped her shoulder, as I had previously in days past and she would wake up.

  But not right now.

  No response.

  I lightly touched her hand that still bore her wedding ring, although her husband had been gone over a decade.

  She still didn't budge.

  I was getting scared. I looked over my shoulder at Wyatt, who was as white as a ghost. I moved closer to see if I could hear her breathing…and she wasn’t.

  I felt for a pulse and there was nothing.

  I tried to form the words to speak to Wyatt, but I couldn’t.

  I moved back and motioned for Wyatt to come up to her chair. He hesitated, just as I would have, knowing what was going to happen next and not wanting to admit it, to delay it if possible for some time longer.

  He leaned down and reached for her hand, taking it in his. Her head had started to lean then, and he lightly leaned it back in its place after letting her hand go.

  Tears filled my eyes, and I knew there were no words that could be spoken. What could you say when you lost one of the loves of your life? There weren't any words to dull the pain. No words could help the pain.

  Her color was leaving her skin now, and her warmth was no more.

  I leaned over, kissed her hand, stood up, and kissed her cheek, wanting to hug her like she had done when I had visited so many times. I wasn't ready to let her go and I had only known her for a short time compared to Wyatt.

  I moved back and walked out of the room, trying to give Wyatt some time with her. There was no rush, and I wanted him to be with her as long as he needed.

  Twenty minutes later, Wyatt met me in the kitchen. I was sitting at the table processing what had just happened.

  “I know I need to make some calls, but I’m just not ready yet. Is that wrong?”

  “Only call we need to make fairly soon is the funeral home, so they can come. It sometimes takes them a while.”

  “Okay.”

  “I can do that here shortly, but sit down for a few minutes. Can I get you anything?”

  ‘Yes, my aunt. I’m not ready for her to leave me.” He bowed his head and placed it in his hands. I touched his hands lightly, not letting go.

  I didn't say anything but just let him leave his emotions there in that room. It was going to be a hard loss, which would take him a long time to heal from, if he ever did.

  Some losses were just too great; you felt them for the rest of your life.

  30

  WYATT

  Losing my aunt was the biggest loss of my life. When I lost my uncle, I was still fairly young and didn't realize the impact he had made on my life until he was gone. I knew the impact and influence Rhonda had made on me.

  I had notified everyone I should have and followed through with all her arrangements, as she had requested. My aunt was very particular about what she wanted, and had made all her plans in advance. I was thankful for that.

  She was to be cremated and she had documented those wishes word-for-word, down to the minute, including a memorial stone next to her husband. He had been cremated as well, but still had a memorial. It was for others rather than for themselves. They wanted to make sure there was a place for people to mourn, or still feel they were here with them.

  I disagreed that it would make me feel like she was here with me. Her absence had been so great I hadn't been sleeping, eating, and barely going to work. I was working in a fog. I didn’t want to admit to the reality that I had lost her.

  Luckily, Breigh had been the one to make all funeral arrangements and her will official. She was very good at her job, and took it very seriously.

  Breigh had shown up at my house the following Sunday with a large brown envelope in her hands.

  Her conversation with me was short, simply telling me she should be upset to hand me this, but that she was happy to be making sure Rhonda’s final wishes were going to be followed through with.

  “When you read this, the will and the letter she wrote, I want you to read it, think on it, and read it again. Your aunt was a hardheaded and stubborn woman but loved you more than anything. Just like me.”

  She kissed me on my cheek and gave me a fast hug.

  “If you want to talk, I’m here. I love you.”

  Then left just as fast as she arrived.

  I wanted to be alone so I could process everything. The pain I would feel was not anything Breigh could help me with.

  Only one person could…and she was no longer here.

  The envelope sat on my kitchen table until 9:00 p.m. Sunday night. I had sat starring at it since the afternoon and hadn't taken my eyes off it. I made two hot toddies, a drink my aunt loved, but I frankly couldn’t stomach until tonight.

  I finally got the nerve up to open the large envelope. I wasn't worried about what it was going to say, I just felt like after I opened this, it would be final.

  I wa
sn't ready for that. But I had to admit I would never be ready for it.

  A letter was the first thing, paper clipped to the stack of papers. I assumed it was her will but had no intention of looking at it before reading the letter. There wasn't anything I expected from her, what she had done for me all my life was enough for me. No amount of money or possessions would replace her not being here with me.

  Wyatt,

  I hate writing letters, as you know, but Breigh had advised me that it helps a lot of people with some closure. After much thought, I agreed with her. If I can give you peace about losing me, it is certainly something I want to do.

  First, I want to tell you that I am ready. I have lived a wonderful life, and accomplished almost everything I wanted to do. Please don't feel that it wasn't my time, because God is the one who decides on that, and if He called me home, it was my time.

  Besides my husband, you are the person I have loved more than life itself. You gave me so much happiness and joy. I tried to be tough but when we spent time together, I knew you knew the real me. I had always been one to put up a hard shell, an act, I like to think I had mastered it, but around you I could soften up.

  The pleasure I had watching you grow, then spending summers with me, and finally moving close to me, made me a very happy woman. You far exceeded any expectations I had for you. You are a hard worker, you love hard, but most of all you know what things in life are worth living for. I like to think I had a part in that.

  One thing I have learned in life is that when something good comes your way, you better snatch it up before someone else does. I hope you know exactly what I am talking about.

  Please honor my wishes by following through with what I ask for in my will. I personally hate the damn things, but Kurt was adamant about them being kept up-to-date. He always said it was the way for our voices to be heard when we couldn’t talk any longer. I have to say I agree.

  Please always know how much I love you, your friendship was priceless to me, and I can honestly say my life wouldn't have been as happy as it was if you weren't in it. You had become my best friend and I looked forward to every call, every meal with you, and every time I saw your face.

  No tears, remember you have a life to live. Live it well.

  Rhonda

  BREIGH

  When my phone beeped I thought I was dreaming it. I didn't reach for it, ignoring it.

  But then two more beeps and I willed myself to check it.

  Wyatt: If you are up, baby, call me.

  Wyatt: I finally read it.

  Wyatt: I miss her so much.

  Wyatt: Call me tomorrow. I love you.

  I went to the bathroom and then called Wyatt, wanting to provide any comfort I could.

  “You are up late,” I said. It was 1:00 a.m. and I had only gotten to sleep an hour earlier.

  Today was a day I had to drive to Richardson to work in the office.

  “I hope I didn't wake you.”

  “It’s okay. I only got to sleep an hour ago. It was a long day…”

  “Yeah… here too.”

  I could hear him taking a sip of a drink.

  “I wanted to call and check on you earlier, but I also wanted to give you time.”

  “Thanks…”

  “So…you read the letter and the will.” I cleared my throat, hoping to get a positive response and not one that was going to be aggressive toward me anyway.

  “Yes, it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to…” He paused. “Anyway, other than to tell you I love you and hear your voice, I wanted to ask you a question, and I need you to be honest.”

  “I’m always honest.” You always knew it was going to be a doozy if they said to be honest. I was afraid to ask.

  “Did you know what she put in her will? I mean, I know you know what she put in her will obviously, you helped prepare it.”

  “Yes. It was her final wishes.”

  “Did you know about the money my mother had given to her to put away for me, as well? That is the way I understand it. My mom had given her sister what was supposed to be taken away from me by order of my father.”

  “Yes.”

  “And you didn't say anything? Or tell her to tell me about it?”

  “Wyatt, you know that is not how it works, just like with you, you can’t tell me confidential things about your cases, it’s the same with me.”

  “But I thought you would be honest with me about anything, about our future together.”

  “This has nothing to do with our future. This was a decision between your mother and your aunt. I was just making sure Rhonda’s wishes were followed through with. And she loved you more than anything, she wanted you to…”

  “I know. And I’m just overthinking things.”

  “If I could have told you about what she had planned, I would have. This isn't something I had a choice in, and I didn't really have a choice on what to say and not to say. I have ethics I have to follow.”

  “Breigh…I get it. I just; I am just confused. I wish I could talk to her and…” I listened to him gather himself. I had never heard him in such a weak state. Not even at the house when his aunt had been taken away.

  “I love you.”

  “I’m sorry to wake you up, I feel so lost.”

  “I can come over,” I offered.

  “Okay.”

  Other than a kiss and long hug, we didn't really say much. I was his strength when he had none, and I hoped I brought him so calm as well. We lay in his king bed, on top of the covers, and he placed his head across my stomach. I ran my fingers through his hair and lightly moved my fingers across his forehead and face. His eyes were puffy from his emotions being tested, and his lips dry from biting them.

  His room was silent and dark, other than his dim lamp and the sounds of our breathing mixing. He was hurting and I couldn't bring relief, other than my presence and my touch. I feared it wasn't going to be enough to bring him back to reality and the void he would face daily.

  Then the thought crossed my mind as to why his mother wasn't here to help him, to ease his pain, like I wished my mother would have been throughout times in my life.

  But then I realized his aunt was his mother in so many ways, just like Grammy.

  Wyatt finally fell asleep on my stomach, after a long time of anguish.

  I prayed he would be relieved of his pain, and he would have the strength to deal with the loss that he would be filled with so deeply.

  And I prayed I would be able to deliver on my promise to Rhonda that I would stand by his side, like she wanted me to when she was no longer here.

  Life was too short and I had every intention of living it to its fullness with Wyatt.

  31

  …One month later

  WYATT

  Breigh and I had been a couple now for eleven months. She was the first person I thought of when I woke up each morning, and the last person I thought of before closing my eyes at night. Without a doubt, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. If I was lucky enough to get her and remain good enough for her.

  Even after losing my aunt, my career was finally taking off, and I was in a good place in my life. I was happy. Happier than I had ever thought was possible. It was because of Breigh: her kindness, her love, and her willingness to always love people. Even when they didn't deserve it. I knew there would be countless times I wouldn't be deserving of her love, but I also knew I would work my ass off to earn it.

  Today, as she walked down the aisle to me, I had never seen someone so beautiful.

  Breigh wasn't just a pretty woman, she was drop-dead gorgeous. The best part was she didn't know it. Her soul and heart matched her appearance, which was a rarity. I had seen her looking breathtaking, but today, with her grammy walking her down the aisle, she was an angel. Over and over in my head, I kept thinking how lucky I was. I wasn't sure what I had done right, but it must have been something good to deserve her. Maybe it was because I had always tried to be honest, maybe it
was I tried to always stick to my morals, or maybe it was I had nothing to do with it and God did.

  A violin played “Here Comes the Bride” as we stood with our family and friends at John Baptist Church. It also happened to be the same place my aunt and uncle got married. We both loved the sentimental value to it and when we thought of it, there was no way anything else was acceptable. It was meant to be.

  Once she took my hands at the end of the aisle, my heart skipped a beat. How was I so lucky to have this woman committing to be my wife? I was afraid it was a dream, that was too good to be true, and I was going to wake up any moment now.

  Breigh, in her usual style, sensed my uncertainty and moved close to me to whisper. She didn't care who was going to see it. “I’m the lucky one,” she said softly and then smiled.

  “Now it’s time for you to become my husband.”

  My nerves released and I could breathe again.

  Thank God. And I mean quite literally.

  Thank you, God, for creating and sending this woman to me.

  BREIGH

  Walking down the aisle to my future husband was something I hadn't envisioned would be happening so soon. I had built a wall so thick and made of stone, I didn't think it would be possible to break through, but Wyatt did. It wasn't because he said all the right things—well—he did a lot of the time, but it was because of the perfect timing, and the love I felt for him. The love, respect, and trust. I had never had that in a man before.

  Wyatt had proposed to me at Kellye Joe’s when we went dancing. He had taken me for a night out since we hadn’t been out in ages. Since we’d lost Rhonda, he had been working madly and the same for me. We were together any free moment. We had begun staying together at night which allowed us to comfort each other.

  He was holding me on the dance floor after confessing his love for me, and then got down on his knee, right in the middle of the wooden floor. People stopped around us, as well as the band. He asked me to be his wife, and I had never been so willing to do anything in my entire life.