Grace After the Storm

by Sandy Sinnett

  “What do you mean… no life activity or heartbeat? You’re probably just in the wrong spot. I see him!” Laci’s voice cracked and she could feel her heart pounding so hard she could barely breathe. Laci looked up at Mitch – his gaze fixed on the screen.

  “I’m so sorry, Laci. I’ll go get your doctor at once,” Amber said in her sweet voice. Without another word, she laid the ultrasound wand aside and quietly stepped out the door, returning minutes later with the doctor.

  “Hi Laci, Mitch. Why don’t I take a look at what’s going on, okay?” The doctor went directly to the ultrasound monitor and placed the wand on Laci’s tummy, doing her own review to confirm the results. She looked at Laci, the answer clearly displayed on her face. “I’m sorry, Laci. It appears that you’ve experienced a miscarriage.”

  “A what? What do you mean – a miscarriage? How can that be, Dr. Greene?” Laci’s hands began to shake and her voice grew louder as the fear and anxiety built up inside. “I can see him – his whole body – right there on the screen! What happened? Why isn’t he moving?” Laci yelled, demanding an answer, expecting the doctor to do something to make their baby’s heart start beating.

  Mitch squeezed Laci’s hand and with his other hand, he turned her face, forcing her gaze away from the monitor to look him in the eye. She fought him. If I look at the screen long enough, he will surely move or wake up! Maybe we just missed it!

  “Laci, Darlin’… look at me. He didn’t make it. He’s gone. There’s nothing we can…” Mitch’s voice trailed off as Laci began to cry uncontrollably. He lifted her head, cradling her in his arms, then buried his face on top of her chest. Together, they mourned.

  From the deepest part of her soul, she cried out in agony – unable to wrap her mind around what had just happened. It was the kind of cry that rendered one limp and exhausted. Twenty minutes ago they were talking about what color to paint the baby’s nursery and who he would look like most… now it was over. Their baby boy, or girl… gone in the blink of an eye. Laci knew that the Lord could give and take away, but nothing about this seemed right or fair. She felt her heart break in that instant, and it caused her physical pain as it throbbed with an empty, hollow ache.

  Mitch stood up slowly, still holding Laci’s hand as she lay on the table.

  “I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m afraid there is nothing more we can do now. Sadly, miscarriages happen more often than people realize, although I know that doesn’t ease your pain. Most of the time it’s almost impossible to know what went wrong. Trust me when I say it was nothing you did, Laci. The pregnancy just wasn’t viable. You’re healthy, you take care of yourself, you eat right and you were doing all the right things to take care of your child, so please don’t blame yourself for this. There was no way to know. At this point, I would recommend you schedule a D&C procedure for tomorrow. It’s the safest and healthiest way to remove the baby.”

  The doctor explained everything as best she could, but there was nothing she could say to comfort them or take away their pain. Laci wiped the gel from her stomach, and Mitch helped her sit up. Before they left the room, Amber handed her a strip of black and white pictures she had taken during the ultrasound – the words ‘Baby Young’ printed along the top. This is all we have – a single image of our baby that is no longer alive! No first birthday photos, no graduation photos, no wedding day photos, just fuzzy black and white images of his tiny body floating inside of me. It isn’t fair! After the D&C was scheduled, a nurse escorted them out the back exit so they could avoid seeing other pregnant women and newborns in the waiting room. Mitch pulled the car around, helped Laci inside, and they drove home in silence – his hand holding tight to hers.

  Numb and heavy-hearted, they walked to their room in silence, and Mitch called his mom and his brother to tell them the news. His mother was heartbroken for them. She even picked up the kids from school and kept them through dinner, giving them more time to grieve. Laci decided to take a shower, thinking it would help somehow. She stepped inside, pulled the curtain closed and stood there motionless, letting the hot water pour over her. She still looked pregnant – her stomach unchanged in size and still holding their baby inside. Her tears flowed down with the water and she suddenly felt sick, realizing that the tiny child still within would never feel her warm hug. She would never hold him when he needed comfort. She would never read to him or tuck him in bed at night. She would never see his face or know the color of his eyes. What would he have become? A doctor, an author, a singer? She doubled over, sobbing, then lowered herself onto the floor of the shower so as not to fall. Her breathing was labored as she cried out and mourned for her unborn child. Mitch heard her cries and walked in the bathroom to check on her. Pulling back the shower curtain, he found Laci crumpled in a ball on the floor. He shut off the water and helped her out, gently wrapping a towel around her and pulling her into his arms, dripping wet – never saying a word. Shared between them was only unspoken heartache as they tried to comfort each other.

  Later that evening, Maggie brought the kids home and they shared the news about the baby. Emma took it very hard – she had already picked a name. She got up and ran crying to her room. The boys didn’t say much. Laci and Mitch tried to answer their questions, but mostly they were quiet and soon retreated to their rooms. Mitch and Laci followed behind. After they retired to their room, Laci reached into a dresser drawer and pulled out a tiny blue onesie, still in the sack. She’d bought it a few days ago, hoping to show Mitch after the sonogram. Clutched to her chest, she looked at him, unable to speak. In her gaze, she was calling out to him to fix everything, to make all the pain go away.

  A few minutes passed, then she placed the outfit back inside the drawer and wiped her tears. “It hasn’t rained in weeks, Mitch,” she said softly, frustrated by how much she missed it. She sat down on the bed, expecting him to offer a profound explanation of why the rain hadn’t come.

  “I know you miss it, but it’s early November, Lace… not exactly our rainy season remember?”

  “I need the rain,” her voice cracked.

  “I know Darlin’. I know.” His head hung low, powerless to console her.

  The next morning, the kids left for school and Mitch and Laci went on to the hospital. The D&C procedure was quick and virtually painless, but she kept hoping she would wake up – that it was all some horrible dream and her tummy was still growing, and she would see her baby in a few short months. That was not the case. He was gone and it was time to accept that and move forward. All that remained was a sharp, painful ache that emanated from the hole in her heart, and a hole that size would take time to heal.

  Laci’s healing didn’t come though, and neither did the rain. It was an unseasonably dry winter, and the absence of rain was starting to take its toll on her. Her happiness simply left, and she shut down. She stopped smiling, stopped working, and stopped being a mother to the kids she did have. Mostly, she kept to her room, closed off from the outside world. She even stopped going to church. Mitch tried to comfort her, but she pushed him away every time. She would allow him brief access to the surface, but nothing beyond. This isn’t how I want to be at all! On the inside, Laci screamed out for Mitch to hold her, touch her, love her… but her physical reaction was just the opposite. Losing their baby had hurt him deeply too, but it was different for Laci. She’d carried him. I am the one who literally had him ripped from my body! That severed connection was both emotional and physical for her – something that, by no fault of his own, Mitch would never understand or comprehend.

  Mitch and his mother took over all the events at the winery to relieve some of Laci’s stress, but the guilt from not being able to help consumed her. Thanksgiving and Christmas came and went, but there was still no change. For Laci, and her intense love for Christmas; that was always the one time of year she could normally overcome anything negative. Not that year. It was all a blur since the miscarriage and she was sinking deeper and deeper. Not only that, but she began to relive the pain
of the past – losing her first husband, worrying that her cancer would return. She worried about everything.

  Now mid-January, there was still no sign of rain, or snow for that matter. Without it, Laci felt as frozen as the hard winter ground, unable to move, consumed with fear and sadness. The sadness kept her stuck inside a black hole, unable to see any light or feel the hope to which she’d always clung. She couldn’t eat or sleep, and was at an unhealthy weight. Unable to see it for herself, she had stopped moving forward, and once again began to question God’s plan for her. Instead of talking to Him, she became bitter, with no intention of praying or asking God for help. Her selfish pride led her to believe that she could make it on her own, but it was just a matter of time before she would self-destruct. Lucky for Laci, she had forgotten how big God really was and how much He cared about every detail of her life.

  She lay in bed and tried to sleep, but her mind continued to race. Instead of tossing yet another time, she got up to take a walk and clear her head. Mitch woke as she climbed out of bed.

  “What’s wrong, Lace?” he asked in a groggy voice, now worried.

  “Nothing,” she whispered. “I can’t sleep – just going down to get some water. I’ll be right back, don’t worry.”

  She pulled on her robe, then walked out and headed to the kitchen. About half way down the hall, she stopped at the entrance to the spare room and stared inside. The moonlight poured through the window, casting a soft white glow on the desk directly below, compelling her to go in and sit down. She stared out the window for a few minutes, taking in the view outside and watching as the moon’s light danced in the night sky, bouncing off every star within reach – a beautiful night. The small radio alarm clock on the night stand glowed ‘3:03 AM’ in big red numbers. For some reason, she walked over and flipped on the radio. Music was the one thing that could always soothe her soul, but she’d had no desire to listen lately. One song ended, then another began without any commercials or talk between. She listened quietly to a woman’s sweet, beautiful voice, singing about how God is with us in all seasons of life, then she slowly slid down to the floor and closed her eyes. Instantly, she felt joy fill her heart, and sensed that God was with her at that very moment. All she could do was cry and let go of the anger and sorrow that had consumed her, and as she visualized her baby in her arms one last time, she said goodbye. I’ll see you again my sweet baby. She whispered to herself.

  After a few minutes, she stood up and walked over to sit in the chair, then took a deep breath. She fiddled with the handles on the desk drawer – still amazed at how perfect a song it was, and exactly what she needed to hear. Remembering that the top drawer was usually filled with paper, she opened it and took out a yellow writing tablet and pen. She turned on the desk lamp and began to write, and write… and kept writing – unable to stop. Words poured from her like the rain she longed to see. As she wrote, she released her pain, and guilt, and the world that had once stopped moving, began to turn again. It wasn’t until Mitch came looking for her that she realized the time – a new day was dawning.

  “Laci. What are you doing? Have you been in here all night?” he asked.

  “I… I guess so. I was writing.” She looked up at him and smiled—she hadn’t smiled at him spontaneously in months.

  Mitch was speechless, and instead of responding with words, he pulled her out of the chair and drew her into his arms. His warm tears fell on her shoulder as he buried his face in the crook of her neck. They cried together, knowing something had changed.

  Laci began to write every day after that night, always going to her ‘writing room’ for inspiration. At times, she would stop writing and simply look out the window above her desk –lost in the view of beautiful trees, colorful blossoms, and the sun peeking from behind their leaves. She watched and waited for the rain, but it kept its distance. A light mist would pass through now and then, but it wasn’t enough. She longed for a rain that she could see and touch – a hard rain, and that longing translated into words. On paper, she could express her innermost thoughts – using words to yell and scream – being honest with herself in a way that she couldn’t share with others face to face. Mitch tried his best to understand and support her new process, but she saw how hard it was for him. Instead of talking to him though, she wrote, and through her writing, she was changing… even though he couldn’t see it yet.

  Each day Laci felt a little better, but she wasn’t back to her old self yet. She needed more.

  I need the rain, she thought.

  2 – Visiting the Rain

  After the Valentine events had ended, Mitch noticed a long break ahead in the winery’s calendar. On some level, he felt like that was God’s way of telling him it was time to go. He needed his Laci back. The doctors and psychiatrists weren’t helping anymore, and although she was better since she’d started writing, he knew there was only one option left – she needed to visit the rain. Luckily, it was the rainy season in Washington. He talked it over with his mother and Brad, made arrangements for the kids, and booked their flights without ever saying a word to Laci.

  Hopefully this surprise trip will jolt Laci back to reality once and for all, he thought.

  With tickets in hand, Mitch walked upstairs and found Laci in her usual spot – writing at her desk. “Hey Darlin’, are you hungry?” he asked as he entered the den.

  “Oh, hi Sweetheart. Actually, I think I could eat.” Laci was surprised, not only by the fact that she was hungry for the first time in months, but that she actually verbalized it. Most of the time Mitch would bring her food and stay to watch her eat, making sure she was getting some type of nourishment. Laci wasn’t sure what had changed, but she believed that God had grieved with her all those months, and maybe her time of mourning was finally at an end.

  Mitch was even a little taken back by her response. “Wow… okay. Well, I’ll go down to the kitchen and make you a plate.”

  “Wait. I – I think I might like to go out for dinner. I guess I’m ready for a change in atmosphere,” she laughed at herself quietly. “Would that be okay?”

  “Darlin’,” he walked over to her chair and knelt down. “That is more than okay with me. It’s music to my ears.” He smiled and took her hand, gently kissing the top of it – still her favorite display of affection from him since the day they met. For the first time in months, she even had goosebumps from his touch. “You get ready and I’ll let the others know that we’ll be going out.”

  “Do you think the kids will mind if it’s just us? I don’t think I’m ready for a family outing just yet.” Guilt from her words took hold, but she pushed it away.

  “No, Lace. They won’t mind. They will be so happy to see you getting out of the house that it won’t matter to them, trust me.”

  She made herself presentable to go out in public, fussing over her hair and makeup, then walked downstairs to meet Mitch – her palms all sweaty. The last time she was this nervous was before their first date, but this time her nerves were on edge for a much different reason. Fear. Fear of leaving the house, leaving the safety of her writing room, and fear of going out into a world where she could possibly see other moms with their newborn babies, hear their tiny cries, and see little tots walking around holding their mothers hands. At that moment, she doubted her decision to leave and stopped in the middle of the staircase. Then, that familiar itty-bitty-committee in her head surfaced and presented their views. She only heard two this time. Her own voice said, Don’t go Laci. You’re not ready and you know it! You’re not strong enough! Then a gentle voice whispered, Trust in me, Laci. I will never give you more than you can handle. Lean on me – I am your strength. God’s voice was clear and kind, and she wanted to listen to Him, but she wasn’t ready. I have to stay here.

  Her decision made, she slowly turned around and walked back upstairs until she heard Mitch. He called out to her, and with the sound of his voice alone, he pulled her back. God is right. He will give me strength, but he also gave me Mitch.


  “Hey Darlin’, the car is out front. Where are you going?” he asked.

  Mitch’s voice was loving and kind, and compelled Laci to stop and turn around. Laci’s face was flushed with embarrassment, but she took one look at Mitch and all the feelings she’d had when she first saw him came rushing back. He was so handsome, wearing his black button-down shirt and jeans. Somehow, she was able to put aside her desire to chicken out, and made her way downstairs… one step at a time.

  “Um, nowhere. I thought I had forgotten my purse, but it was hanging on my arm the whole time. I’m ready.” Her reply wasn’t confident by any means. Mitch probably knew she wanted to turn around and run back upstairs, but since she didn’t, hopefully it earned her some points for not giving in to her fear. Laci realized that’s probably what God had been trying to tell her for months now… to push through the fear and keep her eyes on Him – to follow Him despite her fear. Hmmm… I should write that in my book when I get back, she thought with a smile.

  When Laci entered the living room, the kids’ faces lit up with smiles, telling her how pretty she looked. Travis jumped up and ran to her side, throwing his arms around her waist.

  “Hi mom! Are you feeling better?” he asked, his voice full of joy. She stroked the soft blonde hair on his little head, realizing how much she had missed his hugs. She bent down and looked into his sweet face.

  “Hi Sweetie. I am much better today.” They hugged one another tight and Laci swallowed, pushing back the urge to cry. She was tired of being buried under the weight of her sadness.

  “Hey Trav, let your mom go, buddy, so we can go get some dinner, okay?” Mitch asked politely.

  “Are you sure we can’t go? I promise we’ll be good Mitch!” Travis asked, slightly begging. Maggie stepped out of the kitchen just in time to save the day.