To Be a Lesbian

by Yuriko Hime

  "I'm not rigid," I said. "I'm just tired." Who wouldn't be after what I've been through?

  She sighed as if she expected that. "If that's the case, then let me do all the moving." She pulled me closer to her. I couldn't help but groan under my breath. The smell of wildflowers were on her skin, as with the animalistic, unexplainable edge that made me want to drag my fingernails on her back. We continued dancing in slow motion. Strange how one of the most dangerous people I've met could give me a blanket of security. I felt safe with her, happy, regardless of the distractions she made. Perhaps it wasn't a good time for long discussions, but would I get another shot knowing that Julia could take her away anytime?

  "I know about your parents," I started. We were in mid-twirl and I wasn't confident if she'd heard.

  "What about them?" she asked. The slight stiffening of her back was there. I had only but to know the signs to catch them.

  "They're listed in Julia's profile under the mentorship program," I continued, and the more I did, the words streamed out like water from a leaky faucet. "I've put two and two together. They wanted you to follow their footsteps, while all you wanted was to follow your dreams, so you ran away from home to study anthropology under a university that your grandmother had a strong influence on. You weren't a pauper. You were its princess."

  Lynx's eyes searched for the exit while I painted a clear picture of her identity. Her grip would tighten and loosen, tighten and loosen. It was never-ending. I sensed that she wanted to run away but couldn't because there was nowhere to go. She'd make a u-turn like I had so many times, only to end up in the starting place by each other's side. That's how it had always been with us. There was no escape. "How did you know?" she said, her gaze landing on me.

  "Because I'm not stupid. Because we have the same interests. Because you're not fooling anyone anymore." I shook my head and clasped the back of her shirt, unwilling to let go. "Why would you keep those from me?" I asked. "I wouldn't have judged you. Why the need for secrecy? Why? Your turn to answer." The music was discontinued. From the corner of my eyes, I saw granny ushering the crowd, even Julia, outside to give us privacy. I couldn't be more grateful for the favor.

  Lynx and I were finally alone in the cafe, with its yellowish lights and its soothing smell, my grey eyes clashing on her blue green. We were the conundrum and the confuddled, both seeking answers. The melody that concluded for the dance was insignificant when it was the lyrics we wanted to understand.

  "Tell me," I appealed. "Why didn't you just explain all this from the start?"

  The muscles on her throat moved. "Because. . ." Her voice caught. It felt like she wouldn't say anymore.

  "Don't keep me waiting," I said. "You can't run away forever."

  "I know. . ." She breathed in and nodded. Serenity settled on her. I knew her answer would be life-changing. I knew it could open a huge possibility. I just wasn't expecting it to be like this. "Because I like you too much," she whispered, tilting my chin to her.

  The moment our lips touched, all my question marks where replaced with a single period. We were definitive. She liked me. And I didn't need to question it because she was giving me all she's got with that pouty, sexy mouth that tasted like wild berries. I tangled my hands on her hair, nipping her lips as I breathed her scent. How long have I starved for this without meaning to? How did I survive without her? My heart screamed its joy in my chest. All the things I've been keeping for her poured out.

  She lifted me easily and carried me to the counter without breaking stride, our lips still locked and moving. I wrapped my legs around her, sucked on her tongue, my ears deaf except from the groans that she was making. Tissues and straws scattered on the floor as she raised me on the cool surface. She was shaking, I was writhing, and her hand had moved under my shirt.

  Lynx pulled away at the right time. Her pupils were dilated, her lips red and swollen with our kisses. I wanted to do it again, this time on top of the counter, dirtily, with no clothes, with or without an audience. Did this mean that I wasn't who I said I was? The thought struck to my core like lightning hitting a rock. I turned my head away.

  "Don't think," she through heavy breaths. "For once, don't overanalyze this." I was glad she said that, glad that she knew what I was thinking. My mind had given me a red alert, the sirens more than I could accommodate. The thought of not knowing myself would destroy me. It was the one thing I was sure of in life. "Just go with the flow," she instructed. "Focus on us." I begged my heart to relax, to breathe right. Looking at her sea green eyes did the trick.

  I didn't question her intentions for keeping things from me anymore. I didn't mention the word 'lesbian' between us. Those were complicated. Those were overanalyzing. Instead, I asked her this. "Why did you discourage me from competing against Julia?" I was hurt with that. More than I'd care to admit. And Scotland Roth was never hurt.

  She brushed a thumb on my lips with such caress that I didn't know she possessed. "I didn't want you to waste your time," she said. "There's nothing to prove. No contest to win. For me, you've always been the best."

  Chapter 30

  Labels were for products like food and clothes. Not for situations, people, and most importantly, relationships. What were Lynx and I to each other then? Mind your own business. I know. I know. Don't give me that attitude, Miss Roth. Sigh. This book has become a journal as much as an outlet for my study, but as such things went, we must make do with what we had. I promised a no-holds barred, totally transparent story, and here it was.

  To let you in, Lynx and I were ambiguous. After the kiss, there were no verbal propositions of undying love, no commitment, and yup, no labels. Because we weren't food. We were people. She tasted yummy though.

  "Where are you headed at this hour?" I asked Lulu. The sneak was in her sweatpants and black hoodie, tiptoeing to the front door. I wouldn't have pried. Curiosity got the best of me when I saw her lugging an overfilled backpack that was so heavy she had to drag it on the floor. Damn, the recorder was still on. I pushed it off before she could respond.

  Lulu dropped the surprise when she realized that it was me, and swiveled around with an embarrassed smile. She'd been sneaking out since Casper had gotten a temporary apartment thirty minutes from our own. I wouldn't have stopped her otherwise. She could come in and out as freely as she wanted. She wasn't a child.

  "Why are you awake?" she said. I tucked the recorder inside my pocket. Good question. Why had I stayed up all night, then after two hours of restless sleep, woke up and sat beside the stairs like a lunatic on drugs? Bam! Old age. "How are you and Lynx?" she followed-up. "You haven't told me anything since you won the dancing contest." God damn it, the lady knew too much. I wouldn't be able to ditch her if I tried.

  I was saved from further grilling when her phone beeped. "Casper is waiting for you." I used the staircase railing to stand. My legs had pins and needles from sitting there for an hour. So unpleasant. "Go. I don't want to ruin your honeymoon." Lulu's cheeks colored before she nodded and headed to leave. She hovered by the door. "What is it?" I asked, massaging my legs. "Stop being a creeper. We're not even suppose to be having this conversation. If anyone asks, I wasn't here. I won't tell your best friend who's sleeping upstairs anything, swear."

  She didn't laugh at my joke. Oh no. I've seen that look before. Roth's mansion, back in high school. We were on my bed, reading books about the world's greatest mysteries when she asked me if I'd be mad if she liked my brother, 'hypothetically.' I told her I wouldn't, hypothetically, so she admitted that she was crushing on him, literally. So many adverbs.

  She was giving me the look now, so I braced myself for a serious question, like a person would do just before making a huge dive to the pool. "Are you and Lynx?" she started. My stomach flipped. "I mean, are you?" Her gaze cut through me like blades slicing my skin. "You know what? Never mind. Tell Scotland I love her no matter what." Lulu lifted her backpack with a heave over her shoulder. She managed to remain balanced, her knees bent a little to suppo
rt the added weight.

  I collapsed on the stairs when she was gone. That was too close for comfort. I'd have died if she continued asking.

  A quick review of my family to give you a better picture of the situation. When Mr. and Mrs. Roth got pregnant with their second child, me, they decided that she wasn't going to be followed with another one, thus she would be treated the younger princess. Casper would be the older prince. The princess would study in private schools, tutored by the best teachers, given only the best that money could buy.

  Everything had gone according to plan so far, even the admission to the prestigious Ivy League. The move to another state had been planned, and so had the study about lesbians after its conceptualization. That was why I, Scotland, knew who I was and what I wanted in life. Majority of it had been planned before I was born.

  And then there was Lynx. She was never part of the bigger picture. My mother never told me that I'd meet a girl who would make my face warm and glowing as I read her text message after I woke up drooling and aching on the stairs that morning. Daddy had paid for the best education but had never equipped me on how to handle these strange new feelings for another person.

  They taught me how to deal with people impersonally, but not when it came to personal dealings. They didn't say why there was a spring on my steps as I walked to the park. My teachers taught me about anatomy and how the heart could change beats from mellow to fast, but had never warned me that I could actually die from the intensity of it because of another person. Every step that took me to Lynx drew me further away from myself and what I've always known. Didn't I understand me? Was I just confused? Why did I deviate from the plan?

  All those thoughts dissolved when Lynx waved at me from the bench on the park where we agreed to meet today. I caught sight of her face and took a sharp breath. Stomach, meet the dragons. Butterflies had nothing on this. I was at a total loss for words when she was finally standing in front of me. How should we go about with this?

  Lynx was gracious enough to kiss me on the cheek. "Are you just going to gawk at me or do I have to slap your ass on a corner?" she teased once she let go.

  "Why would you do that?" I said, caught off-guard, though the prospect sounded appealing.

  "So you won't get nervous. I get that I'm cute, but you're acting way out of proportion."

  I burst out laughing and slapped her arm lightly. "You wish. I'm the cute one here, not you." My heart had calmed. I didn't have to die from this after all. We walked on the paved pathway, our hands barely touching each other's. What was this feeling, dad? Did you get it with mom too? Did Casper with Lulu? Maybe it was too soon to think of us that way. Like Lynx said before, I should go with the flow. It was the only way not to second guess myself. "So, why did you text me to meet?" I asked.

  "I thought you'd like to know where I go when I'm not at the cafe. I'd like to take you." She glanced at me sideways. "We can do this some other day if you're busy with the research. I won't hold any grudges." I liked how she chuckled after saying that, like she'd turned from the deceiving ferocious animal I'd known once, to a tamer one that I could feed with my palm. I liked her ripped jeans that was so contrasting from her grey silk shirt, and how she rolled the sleeves up while we were walking.

  I also liked how she'd leave lingering stares at my face like she couldn't get enough of me. The real deal was we didn't know each other like Casper knew Lulu, or how she probably knew Julia. But every kinship had to start from somewhere. With Lynx and me, it was a road full of zigzags that lead us here.

  Considering the discoveries I've recently made about her family, my hunch was correct when she took me to the university. Both of us had breezed past the gates and had climbed the main steps quickly. It was a relief that she wasn't dragging behind like Casper or Lulu. Our pace was matching.

  "I would love for my brother to study here with me and Lulu," I said. "Sadly, Casper is still planning to push through his old college, and I don't have a clue if Lulu is continuing her vacation. How about you? Any siblings I should know of?"

  "You'll be glad to know that I'm an only child," she said.

  "Why so? I'm good with people. I wouldn't have problems with your sister if you had one."

  Our footsteps echoed on the empty halls. "Nah," she said. "This is better. I wouldn't have to divide my time between you and her." She was silent as she lead me to the East, letting the words sink in. From there, we went outside again, into the bright sunlight, and followed a path. We only stopped when we were in front of a building made of bricks and stones. It was a small version of a castle, complete with a tower and a pointed roof. "This is the assembly hall," she explained. "The university holds some of the events here. This is as boring as it gets. Let me give you a deeper tour."

  Lynx pointed me to the dorms, or what the students refer to as the residential area. She showed me the library, the building for applied science, and the gymnasium. Half of the people we encountered along the way rode bicycles. A number of bikes were also parked outside the buildings, secured by chains and padlocks.

  Among the sights, the last building, the gymnasium, caught my interest. On the center of the basketball court was a logo of a tiger. I indicated it to Lynx and said, "Was that how you got your name? I was thinking that maybe your grandma borrowed the inspiration since she has a certain influence here."

  She shook her head. "That's not it. Lynx is actually our family symbol. My ancestors were said to be great and versatile, and we can adapt to any situation with grace. This is why half of the family went into dancing, and the remaining got into academe. To take the story to another level, my great, great grandfather was rumored to wrestle with a lynx when his plane crashed in a jungle."

  I frowned. "Who won?"

  She showed me her silver ring. "He did, so he took the symbol for his own and we've been using it ever since."

  "Really?" I said skeptically.

  "Hey, I'm just retelling their stories," she said. "I can't say if it's real. It makes for a good conversation at dinner parties though."

  Her family's history was exciting, but I was more concerned about another term she used, versatile. She certainly displayed those while changing jobs. "I have a question," I said. "If you were wealthy from the start, why did you have to be a taxi driver?" We were being honest with each other weren't we? She wouldn't have taken me here otherwise. She wanted me to get to know her.

  Lynx lowered her head to contemplate on it. When she looked back at me, her eyes had darkened, her expression harder. "It's for Julia," she said. "Let's go someplace else. It's going to get crowded here in a while." Her back was stiffer when she walked ahead of me. It felt like she brushed me off.

  The day changed from what was supposed to be a fun afternoon to a mechanical tour. She showed me to the area like a realtor hoping I would buy one of the houses. But I had already been enrolled here. She didn't need to convince me. Lynx was just going through with it, forced for some reason. She barely glanced my way as she pointed here and there. I didn't imagine that it was possible to feel lonely in the companionship of another person. A person who seemed to be with me just because.

  By mid-afternoon, I was miserable, irritable, and wanted nothing more than to go home. "How long will this take?" I said, keeping my voice cool and calm. She'd been showing me to the classrooms when I posed the question.

  Lynx looked around like she was just noticing where we were. I was right. She wasn't paying attention to me. "Are you bored?" she asked. The way she leaned on the chair, you'd think she'd rowed the entire river by herself instead of explaining how the lessons around here worked.

  "Yes," I said. "There's nothing to see that I won't be acquainted to when classes starts. I thought this would be enlivening." I turned my back to her. "A mistake. Now get me home. I have things to do too. You're not the only one whose time is being misused."

  She tsked. What was she so irritated with? She asked me to be here. I didn't beg her. "Can I take you to one more place before we go?"
she said. I shrugged half-heartedly. What was the point?

  From the classrooms, we went to the paths again, offered shade by the trees that were abundant in the university grounds. She was silent. I was silent. I wanted to scream.

  We were walking by the residential area when someone with a huge stack of boxes in her arms came into view. The boxes wobbled, teetered, threatening to crash. I rushed to the stranger's aid on impulse and unloaded half the stuff from her. It was startling to see who it was behind the packages. "Joe?" I said. "What are you doing here?" Joe with her black-rimmed glasses, shy smile, and button-down shirt. Joe who I've followed for a week and was imagining to be cuddling with Sasha.

  "Oh, hi Scotland." Her face had turned a slight shade of green. Was she sick? I glanced at her stuff. There were labels on the boxes; her name, degree, and the dorm room she was assigned to. The same had been assigned to me, though of different details, upon my enrollment in this very university. I didn't think much about it until now. She laughed nervously. "Didn't I mention that I'm studying here?" she said. "Must have slipped my mind." Another student waved at her from the dorm building. Joe nodded to her and gave me an apologetic look. "I'd like to stay and chat, but I have to drop off these boxes."

  "We can help," I volunteered, puzzled but willing to lend a hand. She'd done it so many times for me, especially with my research.

  She shook her head. "I appreciate the offer, but I can manage. If you please." She held out her arms. I put the rest of the boxes on top of what she was carrying, making her face disappear again. "See you guys around," she said, heading off to the building.

  "Joe's in anthropology like you," I said to Lynx. "It's written on the boxes. Did you know each other outside the Midnight Cafe? She'd given me the impression that she wasn't acquainted to you before, but you must have ran into each other at one point. She's a sophomore."