To Be a Lesbian

by Yuriko Hime

  "I don't think so," Lynx said with a shrug. "We're in different years, and I'm busy. There are other things on my mind."

  The strangeness continued when we were headed on an alternative path from what we've taken before. I was admiring the architecture of the buildings when I spotted a girl on a corner putting a padlock on her bike. If that seemed normal, the fact that it was Nicky, the subject of my experiment, wasn't. Like Joe, she didn't inform me that she was in the same university.

  I left Lynx's side to go to her. She looked startled after I tapped her shoulder. "Great seeing you here," I greeted. She glanced briefly at Lynx, then back to me. They didn't acknowledge each other. "Don't tell me you're a student here too. I thought you're already working."

  With her big athletic frame, you'd never think that someone like Nicky could shrink herself, but shrink she did by moving her shoulders forward and stooping a bit. "It's a part-time job to support myself in college," she said. Her explanation made sense, but that didn't say why she was suddenly uncomfortable with my presence. We've shared crazy days together. Crazy but great. Nicky's stomach growled loud enough for me to hear. "I'm sorry, Scotland. My lbm has been killing me since this morning." She grimaced. "I have to run to the restroom before this gets ugly." The encounter was fleeting as she made a mad dash to a building.

  "You have interesting friends," Lynx said, her eyes following after Nicky.

  "Hmm." I studied her face. She looked like she'd never seen Nicky in her life. Was it possible in such a small environment? Oh well, not everyone knew everyone, and besides she was still a jerk to me earlier. There was still that issue. My irritation re-surfaced.

  She tugged at my arm. "Come on. I have one last thing to show you."

  The Art Museum she took me to was striking, pristine, and currently absent of people aside from me and her. It was big enough that if I cart-wheeled on the center, there was a fat chance that I wouldn't crash into anything. The first room was a gallery. It had paintings on the walls and figures ensconced on tables, protected by square glass. I stopped by a painting of a woman whose eyes followed me everywhere I went. "What is this for?" I asked.

  "Educational purposes," Lynx said. "Beauty and aesthetics. Anything you can think of. Come on, there's more."

  She took me to a second room, which I concluded was more of her style. It contained not only paintings but sculpted figures of knights, women, and friars of the old. It reminded me of her own house with its own set of carvings. She didn't let me linger though. She took my hand, which made me glance at her quizzically, and guided me into a third room.

  If I was impressed with the first two, this was even better. There were shelves among shelves of sculptures against the walls, some going as high as the ceiling. Art supplies such as paintbrushes were neatly placed on metal holders. There were easels and coloring materials, pottery stands and clays. It was where you made art, not display them.

  Lynx gestured around us. "It's my personal space away from home," she said. "Not everyone is allowed here. I'm showing it to you because I'd like you to know me better."

  I closed my eyes for a fraction of a second, taking her words in. It sounded nice, promising, but some far from where we stood. "I'd like that too," I said. "But if it's not that obvious, you're the one who's been shutting me out." I yanked my hand from her. "Look, I don't know what the deal between you and Julia is. As far as I'm concerned, that should have been over when you kissed me. So why the cold treatment when her name was mentioned?"

  Lynx looked surprised that I've brought it up. "It is over between me and her." I glared at her. Over, she said, but why didn't I feel like that? She sank on the bare tiles, losing composure the more I stared at her. "This is so frustrating," she complained. "I don't know what to say. I'm embarrassed."

  My scowl disappeared. That was new. She would never have admitted this to me if it was in any other situation. I found myself sitting in front of her. "Why?" I said.

  "Because. . ." She swallowed. "I have a confession." Her gaze casted downward. "I'm not this cool person you have in your head. It's a lie. I'm just a big nerd. I'm tired of pretending I'm anything but." Her shoulders sagged.

  "Really?" I was touched that she'd admit it to me. If she wasn't as cool as she projected, then what was she really like? The corners of her mouth twitched. Lynx couldn't keep a straight face for long. "Jerk!" I exclaimed, getting on my feet. I should have known that this was a trick to humiliate me again. What kind of person did this?

  Lynx grabbed my hand and pulled me to her. I landed on her lap. "Sorry." She snickered. "I can't help it. You're so easily fooled."

  "Excuse you. No I'm not." I cringed. Maybe I was. "I'm not admitting to anything." I slapped her shoulder. "I hate you."

  Lynx leaned closer and nuzzled my nose with hers. "You can't hate me. You're mine," she murmured. My hands traveled to her nape, smooth and vulnerable underneath her golden red tumble of waves. I was torn between feeling bad for myself because I gave in to her at once, and congratulating her for knowing how to butter me. My heart fluttered helplessly in my chest. I was putty in her hands. "Everything in my house and this place are reflections of what's inside my head," she said. "Now that I have you here, you know exactly what's on my mind. You're everything I think about, Scotland."

  Some words were meant to be unsaid, and some relationships didn't need to have a label. We were people, not food. But the second time I kissed her then and there, I knew that people could taste better.

  My finger was heavier that same night. It wasn't only because of the touch that she left and the promises she whispered. It wasn't because of the gentleness by the way she rocked me back and forth as my cheek rested on her chest. My fingers were heavier thanks to the silver ring that she slipped on me after we kissed. It told everyone that though there were no labels between us, Lynx and I somehow made sense.

  Chapter 31

  When did the bullying start? Maybe it was the other day? Or the one before that? A different week altogether? Regardless, one day I just woke up to hate messages on my website's private inbox. At first they were simpler terms like 'annoying,' and 'smarty pants.' Too anonymous to be considered anything but comments that had stumbled on my side of the internet. There were certainly those.

  A day or two after that, the words were sent again with pronouns. This time with 'you're,' to make it clearer. On the third day, the anonymous sender/s had put in my name with the insults. 'Scotland is a bitch,' or something like that. It was a first for me. No one had dared in high school knowing who my family was and what I was capable of, so I was confident that whoever was sending this still hasn't realized my background yet.

  It had its pros and cons, but I decided to let it pass. There was no reason to involve my friends, the Roth's, and certainly not Lynx who I've been seeing a lot these days. And since we were on that subject, Lynx and I were on her bed, playing. Not that kind, perv.

  "Favorite food?" I half-said, half-sighed as I rolled on my stomach. Her mattress was heavenly soft. I've fallen asleep on it in more than one occasion in the last three hours we've been lounging. It felt like I was in my own room on the Roth's, plus the bed covers smelled like her, earthy and deep. I bunched her blanket near my face and took a deep sniff while waiting for her answer. This I could get used to.

  Lynx crawled behind me and nipped my butt cheek playfully with her teeth. "Rawr," she said.

  I shook her away. "You didn't answer my question," I complained. Staying with her alone in the same room was getting more tempting. The charge between us was so strong that I could feel the electricity traveling just below my tattoo. Lynx settled her chin on my back. She'd always used her nose or mouth to peck or nuzzle me here and there, instead of direct contact. Maybe it was to protect us both from ourselves. We weren't ready. I certainly wasn't.

  "Scotland is my favorite food," she said. I looked at her from over my shoulder and rolled my eyes. She grinned. "Beef Wellington is a close second because grandma makes a mean batch. If I
can convince her to stop eating Gerber for a second, maybe she'll cook us some when she comes for a visit. The old woman likes you too much to say no anyway."

  "Really? I thought she'd hate me after I pulled the nasty on you at the park," I admitted.

  "On the contrary, you left an impression on her that day," Lynx said. "She liked the spunk."

  I smiled at the memory and the possibilities. Who would have guessed that the next time grandma and I would meet, her granddaughter would be my. . . Never mind. What's important was Lynx and I were making plans for the future. Not grand plans, but small, manageable ones that I could take a step at a time without being too overwhelmed. This was new to me. I haven't even fully grasped that I. . . That we. . .

  "I can make you some before she gets here," I said, to divert the direction of my thoughts. "Mom always said that a Ro—" Wait. I've forgotten something. Lynx didn't know about my family, did she? My parent's competition didn't send her to spy. She'd been shady, sure, but that was her nature. She was a flighty lynx. "Listen." I rolled face up on the bed. "I know that I haven't opened up about my family much, but I have a good reason for that."

  She propped her head with an arm. "Is this the part where you say that you're from the mafia? You have to kill me after telling me, but I'd rather join you. We'd make a pretty good team." She winked. Was she being cute with me or just plain teasing? She'd constantly change from one to the other that I'd be gushing at her one time and wanting to kill her the next. I'd never met someone who could give me both feelings. Usually people were just annoying.

  "I'm not from the mafia, silly." I struggled for the right words. Since when was it so hard to talk about this? "Worse," I continued. "I'm a Roth. The multibillionaire Roth's." I stared at the ceiling and inhaled. There, I said it. The only thing left for her to do was to shove me off the bed and ask me to leave. She'd never want anything to do with me again. I glanced at her to confirm my thoughts. Her expression didn't change. Her eyes were still burning at me with a small twinkle that usually said she was thinking of something amusing. "I'm dying here," I murmured. "Tell me what you think."

  She pushed herself to a sitting position. "Honestly?" she said. "Don't expect me to kiss your ass because of that. I'll do it because I want to, not for your last name." My lungs deflated. She didn't sound intimidated at all. "I'm not easily discouraged. In a way, I'm just like you. So don't worry about what I'll think about your family. Just focus on us." There was something about her seductive voice and confidence that made me want to wrap my legs around her and do things. I remained immobile.

  "Okay," I mumbled.

  Lynx got out of the bed and headed to a closet. "So what else can you do aside from cooking a perfect Beef Wellington, being a good researcher, and conducting scary experiments on warehouses?" she asked.

  I frowned. "When did I tell you about that?" I said.

  "The what?"

  "The experiment," I answered.

  With her back turned to me, I couldn't see her expression. "You mentioned it to me the other day before you fell asleep in that same spot," she said. "You've drank too much wine then. You said you were tired and groggy."

  It was the day of the cheese tasting, I recalled fondly. After debating on which cheese tasted the best, we bought a whole bunch of them, laid them on the kitchen table, and began the ranking process. It ended on a tie between cheddar and parmesan, and us consuming a bottle of expensive wine. If I've told her about the experiment and she wasn't freaking out, then she understood why terrorizing Nicky had been a necessity for the study. Not everyone would get it. I decided to drop the subject.

  "I can do anything, and usually better than anyone," I said. Her snicker was tainted with disbelief. "It's true," I argued. "Should I call my brother and best friend to be my witness, or should I just kick your ass again?"

  There was a hint of a smile on her lips when she turned her head to me. "Scotland, you should know by now that you won't win with me."

  "Want to bet on that?" I challenged.

  She tsked. "We should do something about that modesty. One of these days it will get you in trouble, and I may not always be there to protect you."

  I wanted to say that I didn't need protecting. I've been trained. I had discipline. Yet I shut my mouth and stayed happy with the fact that she was willing to do that for me, and not because I was a Roth too.

  Come twilight, we stumbled out of her house, clothes wrinkled from rolling too much on the bed, and me wearing a cardigan she'd chosen from the closet. My mind was razor sharp because she'd given me another tour of the house and explained diligently about the intriguing pieces there. Our lips were also redder than usual from minutes of kissing. I was the one who insisted to leave. The point of no return became dangerously close when she moaned while I was pecking her neck. It wasn't like me to lose control, but with her, a lot of things didn't apply.

  Ending on the park, we were surprised to find it packed with people. The usual go-to for families and couples, and stargazers at night, were bright with lights and filled with sounds that could only be associated with amusement parks. I squeezed Lynx's hand. "Tell me again how a small funfair could have sprung out of nowhere in just a few days," I said. "The rides weren't here last week. It's like a mushroom."

  "I've asked myself the same thing when I started living here," she said. "But soon after, I noticed that once a year they'd construct the funfair without advertisement. It usually lasts for a month, then they're gone."

  I admired the horses on the carousel as we approached, and the blinking lights of the newly-erected shops. There was so much to see, so many to buy. They sold everything from cotton candies to squirt guns. "It's like society, isn't it?" I said. "One minute they're there, establishing. The next thing you know, they're extinct from the face of the planet, taking with them the language, the practices, and everything that once was. It's like they've never been there." I caught Lynx regarding me with a look. "Did I say something wrong? You're the anthropologist. You tell me."

  A passing light from one of the rides highlighted the side of her face. For a moment, sadness flitted on her, but when the ride moved on Lynx was back to normal. "I'm not an expert," she said. "I'm still trying to work on my dissertation for school."

  She sounded so convincingly unbothered that I chose not to meddle. Instead, I steered the topic on what she just said. Her dissertation. "Mind if I ask what it's about? You still haven't told me what you're working on." From what I got so far when talking to her, Lynx was this brainy girl who completed her degree faster than her batch mates by passing several specialized tests. She'd interned in private organizations and was now moving towards a doctorate program in the same university I'd be attending on fall. I was in awe that she could do all that in her early twenties while still having the time to be with me.

  She gazed at the grass. "I dropped it," she said. "I dropped the subject I was supposed to be working on so I can choose happiness." She gave me an impish smile. "There are millions of things to concentrate on. I'm not in a hurry."

  "Did you tell Julia about it?" I said, unable to help myself. My face soured. Every time her name was mentioned, the toxin of jealousy would seep in my blood, making me want to smash things to a bloody pulp. Therefore, I concluded that jealousy was a useless emotion. But one couldn't help but question things.

  "Huh? No I didn't," Lynx said. "Julia would never understand my interests. She wanted to dance, I get that, but we had different goals in life." Lynx kissed my hand, paying no heed to the strange looks we got from the immediate crowd walking the same path. "I don't like talking about her," she went on. "Julia's not my happiness, you are, and I'm glad that we share the same passion." As long as we were clear on that, I guess I shouldn't ask for more. We continued to the shops, eager for something to do.

  For our first chosen activity, we went to the 'dunk a dude'. The line there was shorter compared to the other rides and recreation.

  "A hundred bucks says I'll hit the target and send the ma
n pummeling to the tub," I said. The ball was wrapped securely around my fingers, ready to be thrown at a moment's notice. Lynx smirked and stepped behind me. I discovered her evil plan when she circled her arms around my waist and pulled me to her front. The warmth seeping through her clothes encouraged me to shift my butt so I could press to her more. Damn it, I was going to hell for this public display. There were kids watching.

  "Two hundred says you're too distracted to care," she whispered, tickling my ear. Sleek. But not that sleek. I lifted my left hand to take aim. "An ambidextrous. Sexy," she growled. The ball left my hand.

  "Yes!" I cheered when the guy fell on the tub. Stepping out of Lynx's grip, I swung around to face her. "Not to be cocky or anything, but didn't I just tell you how great I am?" I handed her another ball from the set of three we paid for.

  "My turn," she murmured. Lynx positioned herself in front of me while the dude who was supposed to fall on the tub scrambled back to his seat. She wasn't getting through that easy. Only fools got no revenge.

  Lynx aimed at the red dot in the distance. I leaned to her just when she was going to release the ball. "Hit that and maybe you'll see me naked," I whispered. She missed. It was the first time. I celebrated by doing a silly dance. "Who's the winner?" I yelled. "Say my name."

  Shock spread on her face. She'd never lost to me before. "That's cheating," she said. Lynx tried to grab me by the waist again, but I'd already stepped away.

  "Not when you did it first, slow poke." I left her by the dunking area, running, laughing to myself. It was a different kind of fun than being with Casper and Lulu. They were my skin and blood, but Lynx had a special place in my heart. My legs slowed to a stop. Was this rush, sweat, and exhilaration what it felt to be in love? I clutched at my chest. My heartbeat was wild, uncontrollable. I've never experienced it with any boy. I had to ask someone about it. Not Lynx or my friends. Who? I swiveled around. Where was she anyway? She hasn't been right behind me like I thought.