“I’ll see you later,” Beth said to Elliot as she slipped on her jacket. “Why don’t you come over for dinner later in the week?”
“I’ll check my schedule, but I’m pretty busy.”
Beth turned to look at Elliot closely once again, her blue eyes darker than usual, and her brow creased with concern or consternation. Elliot’s chest constricted with the pressure to offer some explanation, but as Beth turned to glance down the hall, they both seemed to understand why she couldn’t.
“Okay,” Beth said, “but I hope you know, Rory and I are here for you any time. No matter what.”
Emotion clogged Elliot’s throat so thickly she could only manage a single word “Thanks.”
It would have to be enough, for now.
Kelly heard Beth leave, then she heard a great deal of paper shuffling followed by a couple of heavy sighs. A few minutes later, she heard the scuff of footsteps in the hallway accompanied by more sighs. She pressed her fingers to her temples, trying to hold off a headache. She should put Elliot out of her misery, but she didn’t want to deal with her right now. She didn’t want to deal with anything anymore, but quitting wasn’t an option. Not for her. Normally she prided herself on never having been one to walk away from her responsibilities, but this morning she really did understand the urge, and that terrified her.
“Elliot, can I help you with something?”
“No. I mean, yes. Maybe.”
“Well, those are all the options, aren’t they?”
At least Elliot smiled as she poked her head into the doorway. “You’re not too mad to be a smart aleck to me. Can I take that as a good sign?”
Why did she have to seem so damn hopeful all the time? If Kelly wasn’t careful, some of Elliot’s youthful optimism might wear off on her, and while that might not seem like such a bad thing, optimism made people take unreasonable risks. Risks with consequences Elliot wouldn’t have to stick around to face.
“Come in,” Kelly said. “Have a seat.”
“Uh-oh, you sound very formal,” Elliot said, but she complied with the request.
“We’ve got a rather serious situation here,” Kelly started, then realized she did, in fact, sound overly formal. They weren’t having a business meeting. She couldn’t compartmentalize their relationship, no matter how much she wanted to, which, of course, was a big part of the problem. “I don’t know what to say. Obviously, I’ve never been in a situation like this before. Nothing even remotely like this.”
“You’ve never had a, um, fling?”
Somehow, hearing Elliot label what had happened between them made her feel worse. “No. And certainly not with an intern, and during tax season, and my father’s sick, and—”
“Okay,” Elliot said. “It’s okay.”
“It’s not okay.” A hint of panic rose in her voice. “We got caught.”
“We didn’t get caught. We had a near miss, but she didn’t see anything.”
“She doesn’t have to. Beth is intuitive. She knows something’s going on.” Beth didn’t need to be told what Kelly looked like in the midst of a stolen moment. She’d lived them with her.
Beth.
Could there be a bigger betrayal? A bigger fall? If only it had been someone else, she could pretend. She could deny. She could even act like she didn’t care, but the thought of Beth knowing how far she’d fallen would be too much to bear.
“She suspects something’s off, but she doesn’t know what. How could she, really? No one would peg you for gay.”
Kelly bit her lip and stared down at her hands, suddenly riveted by the details of her own cuticles.
“Oh my God. Beth knows.” Elliot’s hands went to her face. “She’s known all along. Rory, too. Shit, everything makes so much more sense now.”
“What makes more sense?”
“Everything, the looks, the warnings, the checking on me. Even before I got the internship, they knew. Does everyone know? Am I the only one who didn’t get the memo?”
“No, only a handful of people have ever known. I’m not out.”
“You’re out to them. This whole time I’ve been lying to them. I lied to people I love, people who have treated me like family, to protect you, and they knew.”
“They don’t know what happened between us.”
“Does that matter?”
“Yes,” she practically yelled, “of course it matters.”
“Does it matter enough to make me a liar?”
The question caught in her chest. Had she asked Elliot to lie? She hung her head. Of course she had. Seeing the pain and betrayal in Elliot’s beautiful eyes, she finally realized what a lie of that nature cost someone like her. And yet Elliot had made the sacrifice for her.
“I’ve been so selfish,” she murmured.
“What?”
“We can’t do this anymore,” she said. Talk about unfair. She’d crossed so many lines with Elliot she didn’t even know how to be fair to her anymore. Cutting her off now without a full explanation didn’t seem right. And yet, weighing her down with any more burdens wouldn’t do her any favors, either. Kelly had made her choices out of necessity, and she’d made her own peace with what she’d had to do, but Elliot deserved better. She could have better, if only Kelly would get out of the way. The closet might be the only reasonable option for her, but she couldn’t wish that life on Elliot. Not even short-term.
“Elliot,” she said, coming around to the front of her desk, “we can’t do this anymore. It’s too risky on too many levels.”
“It’s not. Beth wouldn’t hurt either of us.”
Just hearing those words hurt more than Elliot could ever understand. “Not on purpose, but it’s not right to put her in that position. It’s not right to put you there, either.”
“I’m an adult. Don’t I get to make that decision for myself?”
“No, you don’t,” Kelly said sadly, “not when I’m the one who has to live with the fallout.”
“What fallout?” Elliot asked. “Why can’t we face it together?”
“You can’t understand,” Kelly fired back. There would be no together. There was no we. Elliot would move on. She wanted to. She had to. Neither of them could risk their futures for something that wouldn’t even exist in a few months.
“Help me understand.”
Elliot didn’t know what she was asking. She couldn’t possibly, and she shouldn’t have to. “This situation is so much bigger than you, so far beyond your comprehension you can’t even see the edges, much less the big picture.”
Elliot stood, putting their bodies entirely too close for Kelly to think logically. “Try me.”
She took a step back and bumped the desk, a wave of visceral memories washing over her. God help her, she wanted Elliot’s long, light form pressed against hers. She longed for the oblivion that came with surrendering to those baser instincts. Nothing would matter anymore if only Elliot’s mouth would take hers again.
The bell on the front door chimed, signaling an unexpected arrival.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” Elliot grumbled.
Kelly certainly understood the sentiment, but she used the distraction to regain her composure. Straightening up, she slipped out from behind Elliot and headed for the front door.
She’d already plastered a fake smile on her face before she saw John Bale, but she had to fight to hold it. “John,” she said, hoping he couldn’t tell her teeth refused to unclench. “What brings you in today?”
“I got a call from your receptionist saying my taxes were ready to sign.”
“My receptionist?”
“That would be me,” Elliot said as she exited the office behind Kelly. “I’ll get those for you, Mr. Bale.”
“No need,” Kelly said. “I’ll take care of him.”
John smiled almost bashfully. “Thanks, Kelly. I was actually hoping you’d be in when I stopped by. I know you’ve been out at the hospital a lot lately.”
She tried not to grimace. She didn’
t like people following where she went or speculating as to why.
“I know this is your busiest time, and I thought maybe I could bring you by some dinner sometime.”
“That’s so nice of you to offer, but I can’t really take time off.”
“No.” He shifted his weight to his other foot. “I don’t suppose you can, but you have to eat, right?”
Kelly blew a stray strand of hair out of her eyes. Like she needed one more thing to deal with today. She glanced to Elliot, intending to signal for help, but when she saw those expressive green eyes watching her expectantly, she froze.
If John left, they’d be alone again, and she simply couldn’t stand the turmoil anymore. Not with the temptation so strong. She had to put some distance between them, and not just in the physical sense. She had to let Elliot off the hook. She couldn’t ask her to lie anymore, and she couldn’t even leave her in a position where she felt obligated to do so. Kelly’s chest constricted the way it always did when she did what she was about to do, but taking the steps necessary to protect herself had become second nature over the years. Surely she could take the same steps to protect Elliot. She owed her at least that much.
“You know what, John?” she said. “I can’t plan anything too far out these days, but I do have some time for lunch today.”
“Really?” His barrel chest puffed with pride. “I think I could make lunch work. What time?”
“Just give me an hour to wrap up a few projects here, and then I have a couple of errands to run, so I’ll be out and about anyway. I could meet you somewhere by 11:30.”
“The Diner?”
“Sounds perfect.”
He smiled broadly. “Perfect, then. I’ll see you soon.”
Kelly nodded, her smile so tight it strained her cheeks until the door closed behind him.
“He didn’t sign his taxes.”
“Hmm?”
“He forgot what he came in here for,” Elliot said dryly, “unless of course he came in here to ask a lesbian out on a date, in which case he got exactly what he wanted.”
“Elliot …” This wouldn’t be easy, but she’d gone too far to lose her fortitude now. “Please just accept the situation for what it is.”
“Sure, if you will explain to me what the hell is happening here.”
“This morning was a warning for both of us.”
“Nothing happened!”
“But something could have.”
“So what? Beth knows you’re gay.”
Something sharp twisted in her chest. “And the flippancy with which you just said that shows how little you understand.”
“How can I understand when you won’t explain it to me?”
Kelly sighed. “You’re right. You can’t understand. What I’m doing is beyond you and your life experiences, and I’m happy for you.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means you don’t get what it takes to stay in the closet. To live there for years, decades even.”
Elliot’s eyes widened. “Decades?”
“A lifetime,” Kelly confirmed.
“Don’t say that.” Elliot’s voice softened. “Things are hard right now, but they won’t always be this way. You’ll come out as soon as things settle down. You’ve already told Beth and Rory. They’ll help.”
Kelly’s laugh was acidic. “And that right there is why I’m going on a date with John.”
“What? Why? What did I say?”
“It’s not what you said. It’s what you assumed,” she explained, no longer trying to hide the anger in her voice. “You just take it for granted that I want to come out someday. You think the right person can come along and liberate me. You think it’s some foregone conclusion that everyone wants to be like you or Rory, but I don’t want your life.”
“You want to sneak around and hide and lie about who you are?”
“This is only a tiny part of who I am. I don’t want to be defined by some small sliver of myself. I don’t want to be some super-gay, crusading mascot.” Elliot winced, but Kelly had her on the ropes now. She couldn’t let up. She had to land the decisive blow, the one neither of them could ever recover from. “I don’t want my entire identity to be defined by who I happen to sleep with occasionally, and quite frankly, I find it a little pathetic that you do.”
Elliot gasped as though Kelly had punched her in the stomach. Her eyes watered and her face flamed.
Kelly had to get away fast, or she wouldn’t be able to get away at all. She delivered a sharp dose of tough love in order to inoculate Elliot against a much greater pain, but in the face of the very raw emotions playing across her beautiful features, Kelly could no longer feel certain she’d chosen the right treatment.
Her heart thudded dully in her chest. What if she’d made a mistake? What if she’d just screwed up the only good thing left in her life? What if she’d hurt Elliot more than she could ever make up to her?
She shook her head. Even if she hadn’t done the right thing, she’d done it for the right reasons, and she couldn’t unsay what she’d said. The only thing she could do now was get back to work. “Now, if you’ll hand me John’s file, I’ll take it to him at lunch.”
Elliot snapped the folder up off her desk and thrust it into Kelly’s outstretched hand. “Just tell him if he has any questions, he can call your receptionist.”
Kelly literally bit her tongue to keep from responding. Nothing she could say now would help anything. She summoned all her remaining fortitude and did the best thing she could do for them now.
She walked away.
Syd answered the phone on the second ring. “Hey, Tiger.” She’d always refused to call Elliot gendered pet names like “princess” or “baby doll,” but she did favor some of the more traditionally fierce monikers that conveyed affection.
“Hey,” Elliot said, not sure where to go from there. She hadn’t really thought the phone call through before she’d dialed. She hadn’t been able to make much sense out of anything since Kelly had walked out the door, but she’d desperately wanted to hear her mother’s voice.
“Actually, I just set a reminder to call you tonight.”
“Yeah? Does that mean you’re too busy to talk to me now?”
“I’ve got a client coming in soon, but since I’ve got you on the line, I might as well spill the good news.”
“Good news?” She could certainly use some.
“I spoke to one of the other partners here this morning, and she said her college roommate is dating a woman who works for the Tax Policy Institute.”
Elliot tried to follow the train of loose connections, but her brain had a hard time putting things together while still trying to process everything that had fallen apart over the last half an hour.
“The Tax Policy Institute,” Syd repeated for effect.
“In Washington, D.C.,” Elliot said, to prove she had heard and knew of the organization.
“Exactly. Well, turns out they just got a big government grant to research ways to simplify the tax filing process.”
Elliot couldn’t manage to feel much excitement, and not just because the woman she’d most recently had sex with had just blown her off for a barrel-chested farmer John in a Rural King hat. Simplifying tax returns had long been a stated goal for both political parties, but the tax preparers’ lobby spent millions of dollars every year fighting any bills that might put a damper on their business. The likes of H&R Block, TurboTax, and countless others benefitted from a complex system.
“Hello,” Syd said, “are you okay? Do you have a fever?”
She smiled. Whenever something seemed off, Syd assumed she had a fever. It didn’t matter that she couldn’t remember the last time she’d actually had a fever. If she were in arm’s reach, Syd would no doubt have a hand on each of their foreheads to try to gauge any temperature differences, mom-style. “No fever, just not sure where you’re going with this.”
“I’m not going anywhere. You, on the other hand, are
going to Washington, D.C. for an interview. If you want one. I’m not telling you what to do, mind you.”
“An interview for what?”
“Oh, did I not say they’re hiring five research fellows?”
Elliot laughed. “No, you left that part out.”
“Oh, well, they’re hiring five research fellows. They’re looking for people right out of school with CPA licenses and a few years’ experience. How many people fit the bill better than you?”
“Probably hundreds,” she said, but she got excited enough to stand and pace.
“But you’re one of the best.”
“You’re biased, but yeah. I mean a lot of people don’t get licensed right out of school, or they don’t come out of school with more than one tax season under their belt.” She felt her hopes rise. “I’ve also got work with small businesses and the university.”
“And VITA,” Syd added. “If they are studying low-income returns, you’ve got as much experience as anyone right out of college. Plus you’re willing to relocate quickly, right?”
The question gave her more pause than it should have. Kelly had all but told her she didn’t want her around. But still, Kelly’s father was sick. She didn’t have any other help. Sure, tax season would be over soon, but what about people who needed extensions? What about catching up on all the year-round work that got set aside during tax season? Could Kelly do everything on her own?
No, she couldn’t think that way. She’d worked for years to have an opportunity at a job like the Tax Policy Institute. They were one of the premier think tanks in the entire field, and they had five open positions tailor-made for her. She’d be an idiot to pass up a shot at one of those fellowships for a woman who’d just called her pathetic.
“Yeah, of course I’d move quickly. I mean it’s Washington, D.C. I’m sure I could arrange everything with the college. As long as the job starts after tax season, I will have completed my internship hours. I can submit my final papers long-distance, and my CPA exam course is online.” She rattled off all the reasons she could go, choosing to focus on them instead of the one reason she shouldn’t want to stay.
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