Off Balance

by Aileen Erin

  Bam!

  The explosion hit in front of me, nearly knocking me back.

  Bam!

  Heat kissed my face.

  I threw another without breaking my stride. Then the next. A series of booms echoed around me, and I threw the last rock off the side—hoping to trick the sensors and buy myself a few more seconds—but that was a mistake.

  There was no bam.

  I felt the frequency shift.

  The lasers were going to fire.

  Oh shit.

  I put everything I had into moving faster, but I wasn’t sure I’d be fast enough to outrun a laser.

  Chapter Seventeen

  AMIHANNA

  I ran as fast as I could. From one instant to the next, my skin glowed brighter than ever before, my fao’ana flickered, and I jumped, throwing myself toward the blue line. I felt the lasers’ heat brush against my body as I slid across the line, but they were too slow. Slower than me.

  My face slammed into the platform, and I laughed. “That was fun.”

  “Goddammit, Am!” Roan screamed. “You almost died with that one!”

  “I’m fine!” I stood up, brushing myself off, and then the cheers started.

  I looked into the stands. Faces all blurred together as I turned in a circle, but they were cheering. For me.

  Weird. Did they really want me to pass?

  I sent Roan an are-you-seeing-this look.

  But Roan was standing there with his fingers stuck into his poofy hair, chest heaving as he breathed in and out, and I knew he’d been really scared.

  Eshrin paced back and forth behind his men, almost as if the guards were keeping him from storming up to grab me.

  But Declan and Ahiga were grinning. Ahiga stuck two fingers in his mouth and whistled.

  That made me smile. I did my sassy I-win dance that had annoyed everyone I sparred with when I was a kid. Roan’s hands dropped from his head. I turned my back to him and shook my butt at him.

  “Am! It’s not a joke.” But he was laughing around his words. “Stop shaking your butt at me! We’re not ten anymore.”

  I spun back to face him. “Didn’t you know? Almost dying doesn’t count.” I stuck my tongue out at him before I looked up at Himani. He was studying me, and it seemed as if he didn’t know what to make of me.

  Did I care?

  No. No, I didn’t.

  “I proved that plenty of times on Abaddon. Almost doesn’t count.” This was more fun than I’d ever had, and for the first time in weeks, I was feeling more like the me I remembered. The me who had been so elusive the last three weeks.

  “Lorne asked me when was the last time I’d had fun.” I’d thought the arena was pretty silent, but it went spooky still at Lorne’s name. “We were training the other day, and he told me I needed to loosen up. But I couldn’t remember having fun. Not really. So, Lorne asked Roan.” I motioned to my best friend. “He didn’t think I had, and we’ve been best friends for a decade—”

  “Over a decade!” Roan shouted at me. Now, his grin was real. The kind that takes up his whole face and makes his green eyes glitter.

  “But you know what?”

  “What?” Himani asked, playing along.

  “This?” I motioned behind me. “This was actually really fun. You sure I can only do this one time?”

  There was some laughter from the crowd, and I couldn’t help but get a burst of energy from it.

  Boom.

  The lights dimmed.

  A blinding white fog filled the arena.

  And I felt someone approaching me.

  “Please tell me we’re at the fight part. I have a feeling this is going to be my favorite.”

  Himani chuckled softly. “Yes. There are weapons to your right if you are so inclined.” A spotlight lit a rack that hadn’t been there a second ago.

  “Frosty.” I ran to it and grabbed a long bo staff. I twirled it around my body and then waited.

  I hated that I couldn’t see through the fog. I knew it was probably to hide my attacker’s glow, but it was still annoying.

  I closed my eyes and instantly felt better.

  The air moved behind me, and I swung.

  And then it was on. I moved from instinct.

  Hitting and running.

  Punching and kicking.

  One man grabbed my leg as I kicked, but I jumped and slammed my other foot into his face.

  I lost the bo staff at some point, but I didn’t need it.

  Even with my eyes closed, I was in the zone, and I felt free for the first time in a long time.

  This wasn’t Roan or Declan or Ahiga. I could fight as hard as I wanted. Move as fast as I wanted. Hit as hard as I wanted.

  And so I did. For the first time in my life, I let go.

  After what felt like a minute, I stilled. I didn’t sense anyone moving at me anymore. I circled, waiting, but a breeze moved across me, blowing the fog away.

  I glanced up and saw a thermal vision holo replay of the fight. Himani was talking over it, slowing the replay to show some of my moves. It seemed boring to watch it, so I stood there, waiting for the fog to finish clearing.

  When it did, I saw seven men, dressed in loose black pants, a long-sleeved black shirt, and a mask to block their glow, on the ground. Even through all the clothes, I could see hints of their fading glow.

  A group of medics rushed onto the platform, taking care of each of the fallen men.

  One by one, they were all helped up, and I could breathe a little easier. At least I hadn’t permanently hurt anyone.

  And then it hit me. “Himani. You little cheater! I thought there were supposed to be four.”

  “Why not test your limits while you’re here? You said you had something to prove. I think you’ve proven it.”

  Maybe I had. Maybe I hadn’t. “All right, Himani. Get your butt down here. We’re going to have a little chat about fairness and rules. Seems like the Aunare need a refresher course on cheating.”

  He laughed. “I’d be honored to re-meet you in person. Especially if you’ll answer some more of my questions.”

  “No promises.”

  Roan walked toward me with a blue carton of something in his hand. His hair was looking extra poofy, and his dark skin had a nice sheen of sweat. “You scared the shit out of me.”

  “It was actually frosty.” I took the carton from him. “Thanks.”

  “For the record, this wasn’t the kind of fun I was talking about.”

  I drank another sip. It was sweet and cold and I loved whatever the hell it was. “Why? Because it doesn’t involve wasted girls throwing themselves at you?”

  Everyone in the arena laughed and cheered and clapped. I wasn’t sure if the Aunare liked me, but from their reaction, at least they thought I was kind of amusing. Hopefully, in a good way.

  Roan’s grin was back as he spread his arms wide. “Obviously. This is me we’re talking about.” He pulled me into a hug. “Seriously, though. Something less dangerous next time,” he whispered in my ear.

  And then suddenly Roan stiffened, and the arena grew quiet again.

  “Amihanna.”

  The sound of my name from him rolled through me in the way that only Lorne could manage.

  I moaned and closed my eyes—resting my forehead on Roan’s shoulder. My skin flaired so bright that it burned through my eyelids, my fao’ana flickered like crazy—almost as fast as my racing heart—and my body started to sway backward as if Lorne had a gravitational pull greater than the Earth’s moon and I was helpless against it. Against him.

  “Are you okay?” Roan whispered.

  “He does this to me on purpose,” I whispered back to him.

  “If I could make a girl moan and glow just by saying her name, I’d do it. The sex would be—”

  I shoved Roan away with a laugh.

  There was a hum through the arena. Four notes. I didn’t know what it meant, but I knew they were probably doing it for their crown prince, and that I was going to
have to turn around and talk to him in the light of day in front of everyone, and they were all going to know how pathetically helpless I was when it came to him.

  And it was embarrassing. But I couldn’t help it. Not with Lorne.

  “Were you trying to get yourself killed?”

  Oh. He was mad. That made this so much easier.

  The sleeves of Lorne’s shirt were rolled and pushed up past his elbows. The tattoos on his skin glowed brighter than his lit skin. His hair was coming loose from the tie he’d used to pull it away from his face. But his eyes? They slayed me. I could barely stand to meet his gaze, but I forced myself to stand my ground.

  He stood there with his arms crossed, and for the first time, I think he was really, truly mad at me.

  Well, maybe not the first time. He’d been pretty pissed at me when I lied to him on Abaddon’s moon.

  I shrugged. “The guy was hurt. No one was going to get him.”

  “It’s not your place. This is tradition.”

  Fuck that. I was supposed to sit there and happily watch some dude die? “Yeah, well, your tradition sucks.”

  “Our tradition.”

  Screw this. He didn’t get to be mad at me.

  “Well, I don’t remember it. So I don’t have to stand by whatever stupid traditions would allow a man to die. I don’t remember anything from this part of my life. I only remember all the horrible things from the last thirteen years. All the times I wished someone would’ve stood up for me—would’ve saved me. All the nights we slept on the cold concrete. I can still feel the hunger—” I pressed my fists into my stomach. “—sometimes so strong that I couldn’t fall asleep or think because all I wanted was food. I needed it so bad that my mother would help me into dumpsters so that I could dig scraps out of the trash.”

  My breathing was hard and heavy. But I’d started now, and it was too late to stop the words from spilling out.

  I stepped toward him. “I remember fighting men off my mother. I can hear her screams begging someone to help us, but there was only me. A child. I don’t know how many times I fought them off us, but at least I was strong. I was Aunare. I could do that much, but…one wrong move…one hint…do one thing that could give me away as a halfer and…”

  Lorne’s anger seemed to be seeping away with every word I said, and sadness moved in to replace it. My words were causing him pain, but he’d asked me. Himani was asking. Everyone was asking me to tell them what happened.

  “You wanted to know what it was like on Earth.” I looked up at Himani. “I remember running for my life and hiding and hoping that they wouldn’t find me. Praying that my skin wouldn’t glow at the wrong time and give me away because then I’d be caught. Because then I’d be like all the other halfers. I’d be the one getting dragged—beaten and half-dead—through the streets. I knew that if I moved too fast or let my guard down for one single second, the next time it could be me thrown into an arena kind of like this, only it would be filled with rabid dogs. It would be me who was ripped apart, screaming for someone—anyone—to help me and no one—no one—would come.”

  I looked down at Declan. His skin had grown pale, and his shoulders hunched. “Until it finally was me. Locked up and in jail. Thrown out on the surface of a volcano planet with a faulty suit so that I could burn to death.” I looked out at the arena. “And what did all of you do to help me? Help the halfers? Help the Aunare living in SpaceTech-controlled cities throughout the universe?”

  I spun in a circle, looking at the crowd.

  “Nothing! You all did nothing while we were slaughtered!” I laughed, but it wasn’t from humor. I wasn’t having fun anymore. I was angry.

  More than angry. I was furious, and if my anger and honesty was too much for them, then that was just too fucking bad.

  “You know I hid my go-bag—this stupid duffle bag I had with a tiny bit of money that I saved and some clothes in case I needed to run again—in a train car. But not just any train car. It was one filled with the bones of the Aunare—full-blooded, halfers, their families, women, babies, their friends, and anyone who had shown them any bit of kindness.”

  I stared out at the crowd, but I wasn’t seeing faces. I couldn’t focus on them when I was focusing on my past. “You see, they had to do something with all the bodies. All the cities had thousands—some tens of thousands—of dead, and they had to put them somewhere. Outside of Albuquerque, SpaceTech decided to use an abandoned train yard. They filled the cars with the bodies and let them rot. I didn’t live there at the time, but the area around the train yard was abandoned because of the stench. And when the smell finally faded, it stayed abandoned because Earthers thought it was haunted. So, it seemed like a good place for me to hide something. But it wasn’t. That’s where SpaceTech came for me.”

  I looked to Roan then. I knew he’d think this was his fault. He had a tracker that allowed them to find me there, but it wasn’t his fault. They would’ve found me.

  I’m sorry, Roan mouthed to me. His shoulders were hunched as if the guilt was a real, physical weight.

  “Not your fault.”

  I knew I should stop, but I couldn’t. Not now. Not anymore. There was a ringing in my ears and my throat was raw from screaming my truth at them and I was so angry my hands were shaking.

  I turned to the people again. “You could’ve stopped it. The deaths never ended. It wasn’t just during that week long period. Four days before I was arrested, I watched a boy a few years younger than me beaten and thrown into an execution arena. He was begging for help. Begging for someone to save him. His skin was glowing. His fao’ana were showing. I don’t know if he was full-blooded or halfer. All I saw—all anyone saw—was Aunare blood. Why didn’t you come? Was he not Aunare enough?” Maybe it was stupid to blame them for what happened, especially when I was supposed to be queen. But they hated me already. That gave me the freedom to hold them accountable.

  So, I was doing just that. “The Aunare are supposed to be more technologically advanced than Earthers—some say stronger, smarter—but it means nothing if you can’t save those who can’t save themselves.”

  I let that sink in for a second. I made myself calm down a little so that maybe they’d really hear my next words.

  “You’re arguing on the news over whether I should be allowed to be your queen or not—if I’m worthy enough—and I’m watching, thinking that you’re asking the wrong question. Do I even want to be your queen? Do I care enough to save you from yourselves? Right now, I’m thinking no to both. I just passed your hardest test without training or preparation. Think about that for a moment.”

  I paused to take a breath, and I was calmer. The anger was seeping out of me, bit by bit, and all that was left was a bone-wilting exhaustion.

  I glanced at Himani. “From where I’m standing, the Aunare aren’t worthy of me. Of any halfer. Convince me otherwise. Until then, I’ll be at my father’s estate.”

  I turned back to Lorne, and he didn’t move or say or do anything. He was frozen, watching me. I wasn’t sure what he was thinking or feeling. Maybe I’d hurt his feelings with what I’d said, but he wanted me to talk, to tell my truth, and I’d done that. I’d let them see me—who I was, what I’d been through, how that changed me. I let them see my anger. If that made them hate me more than they already did, then who cared?

  Not me. I was pretty sure I didn’t want all the baggage of ruling them.

  The arena was silent, and finally, so was I.

  I was spent and done and the weight of the fear, sadness, and struggle to survive felt heavy on my shoulders.

  I sat on the edge of the platform, my feet dangling. “I’m ready to go now,” I said softly, motioning Eshrin over.

  He nodded, and I dropped down. He caught me and placed my feet gently on the ground. He waited for Roan to drop down, too.

  “I just let some dude catch me so we could get out of here faster,” Roan muttered to me.

  Eshrin laughed. “This way.”

  Roan hook
ed his arm in mine, and with him there, I could keep my head held high as Eshrin led us to an opening in the arena. We walked up the stairs through the crowd. I saw a few stand as I passed by, putting their right fist to their heart and bow.

  Then more stood.

  And more. Until almost everyone in the arena was standing.

  I knew they were showing respect, but I wasn’t sure it was enough.

  I heard Himani asking questions in Aunare, but I knew they had to be for Lorne.

  A moment later, Lorne’s voice answered him softly.

  When I got to the top of the stairs, I turned to look at Lorne again.

  He was no bigger than an ant down there, but his face was a massive holo talking to Himani’s holo.

  Himani asked questions, and Lorne answered…but his eyes were watching me. Not smiling. Not frowning. Just watching. Taking me in.

  If I had a million tries to figure out what he was thinking, I wasn’t sure I’d ever guess right.

  “You ready?” Roan said. “Or do you want to wait for him?”

  I forced myself to turn away from Lorne. “Let’s go. I’m sure he’s got better things to do.”

  “Other things, Am. Other things, not better.” He put his arm around my shoulders. “You just kicked some major ass and you’re not even sweating.”

  I was grateful for the change of subject. “Maybe.” I hadn’t noticed, but he was right. I wasn’t sweating.

  “You just proved yourself to be a total boss, with no specialized Aunare training or prep for this test. I bet everyone down there is wondering what you could do if you had both.”

  “Maybe.” I couldn’t tell what they were thinking, especially after I yelled at them—at all the Aunare—and basically called them out on all their bullshit.

  “Come on. We have something to celebrate today. You kicked butt, and today is your day off. A day of fun. I’m not stopping until you’re smiling again.”

  I put my head on Roan’s shoulder as we walked up the ramp into the ship. “You’re the best.”

  “I know. That’s why you love me.”

  “Very true. I love you, Roan.”