Off Balance

by Aileen Erin

  Running was my instinct whenever I was afraid in any way, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to run away. Not from him. Not from Lorne. Not this time.

  I needed a second. A reprieve from the intensity of the look he was giving me. The look that said he had as much need and want and love for me as I had for him. Which helped ease this frantic thought in my head that I was in this alone.

  Because I wasn’t. He was right there with me.

  “What happened with your dad?”

  His hand tightened on my foot before he switched to massage my other foot. “I guess the most important thing is that he stepped down.”

  He stepped down? “You’re king now? How did you not tell me this?”

  He gave me a bemused look. “When was I supposed to? When you were in the hallway fighting for your life? Or when you were throwing up? Or—”

  “All right. All right. I get your point.” I let out a breath. He didn’t look any different now that he was king. “Do I congratulate you or…”

  “No.” His fingertips slipped up my leg. He grinned at my gasp as my skin lit. “I don’t need anything. It’s just a change of job.”

  “It’s more than a change of job. Lorne—” I tried to sit up, but he tugged on my foot.

  “Don’t run.” His glowing skin brightened just a bit. “Don’t leave because of a stupid fucking title.”

  I wasn’t going to run. I just wanted to sit up instead of recline against the slanted tub walls. “I wasn’t—”

  “Don’t lie either.”

  “I wasn’t—”

  “I know that your go-to whenever you’re overwhelmed or scared is to run. I understand why, but I’m asking you not to do that right now. I don’t think I could take it. Not tonight.” He let his head fall back against the tub. “Okay?”

  I forced myself to relax my body against the tub again, but it took a little doing. “Okay, but for the record I was just trying to sit up. I feel weird having this discussion in the bath. Naked.”

  His eyes glittered with the kind of mischief that made my heart race. “I’m kind of partial to the location of this discussion.”

  He ran his hand through the water, and the bubbles parted just a little, revealing a nice view of his abs. I had to admit—I was very partial to the location of this discussion, too.

  He was quiet for a while and I was okay with that. I didn’t need to talk about anything. There were so many thoughts in my head, that I wasn’t even sure where to start sorting them out. I didn’t want to talk about the fight and what I’d done, but I kept circling back to it.

  I knew I wasn’t going to be the same. I’d used whatever abilities I had to kill.

  Okay. That was it. The freak-out was coming back. My heart started to race as I replayed the fight again. “Is Eshrin okay?”

  “I didn’t see him, but I’m sure he’s being tended to.”

  “Did I—”

  “You did what you had to do. Put it away, Amihanna.” His king voice was back. “No panicking. Everything is okay.”

  Put it away? How? “I don’t know if it’ll be that easy for me.”

  His hand moved up to my calf, massaging the right first. My skin grew brighter and I leaned my head against the back of the tub.

  “It shouldn’t be easy, but we’re at war now.” His hand stopped at my knee and moved back down, but it was as if he were teasing me with his touches. “There might be more of this. A lot more of this.”

  His hands were distracting me, and I wasn’t sure if it was a good or bad thing. He moved to my other calf and his fingers kneaded the tight muscle. My eyes rolled back in my head. I’d never had anyone massage me before. And his hands…

  My skin was bright, but Lorne’s was brighter. He gave me this evil half-grin and licked his lips.

  “Lorne…” It was half-moan, half-whine and I was quickly becoming addicted to his touch.

  His skin throbbed with light when I said his name, and I loved it.

  “I know it’s a lot to take in. The war is here and you haven’t decided… I thought maybe your mind might settle if you decided to stay for good, to marry me, to be queen.” His hands slowed, and I wanted to beg for more but I wasn’t a begging person.

  Or I hadn’t been, but as I looked across the tub at the man in front of me, I wasn’t so sure that would still be true. With our glow lighting up the purple water, his aquamarine eyes looked even brighter. They swirled with emotion, and I knew I was seeing Lorne, the man. Not Lorne the fighter. Or Lorne the King. But Lorne. My Lorne.

  His hair was still tied back, but a few long strands were loose and I wanted to run my fingers through his hair and tug him to me and…

  Wait.

  He was talking, but I hadn’t heard any of it.

  “Are you listening?”

  “No. I was staring at your eyes.”

  “Amihanna.” He drew my name out like a warning, and my skin lit with need.

  “What?” I rolled my eyes. “Fine. If you could maybe move the bubbles around so that I can’t see your abs that might be helpful.”

  “No. If you’re even the least bit attracted to me right now, I’m leaving everything right where it is.”

  Least bit attracted? The man was insane if he thought I wasn’t attracted to him. “You were saying?”

  He stared at me for a moment and then his emotionless mask slipped down over his face, and I wanted it gone.

  “You asked me if I killed anyone before, and I said yes. I’ve killed before. Not just in battles in the far reaches, but here. At home. I killed. Not just enemies, but innocents.”

  The water sloshed around me as I sat up straight. “Wait. What?”

  “I keep thinking about what you said in the arena. About how no one came for you, but that’s just not true.”

  It wasn’t? “You came?”

  “Before I got put in jail, yes. I was almost there.”

  I didn’t understand. How could they put their crown prince in jail? “What?”

  His eyes closed a little bit and his fingers lazily ran up and down my leg under the water. “We were almost back to Sel’Ani for the last six months of the treaty when I felt you lose it. I felt your terror so sharply it took my breath away. No one would listen to me, and to be fair, I was probably ranting incoherently. I wanted to turn back, but we were just hours away from home and Rysden kept telling me to calm down. I lost it. I really truly lost it. I took control of the ship, but we were in a convoy and they were following orders, but all I could see was that they were keeping me from you and that you were scared. I’d never felt fear like that before. I didn’t know what was happening to you, but I knew it was bad and I knew I had to get there. Fast. So, I killed anyone who got in my way.”

  I slapped a hand over my mouth to keep from saying anything. I wasn’t sure what to say. I shouldn’t have that much control over any person. Not ever.

  “I was almost back to Earth when Rysden finally stopped me. He’d figured out what was going on, and he took me by surprise and…he knocked me out. Put me in stasis in a healing pod. When I woke up, it was over. I realized that my freak-out had cost us time. If Rysden hadn’t been dealing with me, if I had been able to verbalize what I was feeling from you, then we would’ve gotten there sooner. We would’ve found you. Instead, you were lost.”

  No. No. He couldn’t think that. “It wasn’t your fault, Lorne. You can’t take the blame for what happened to me.” I couldn’t reach his hand, but I grabbed his foot under the water to hold on to. I needed to touch him. I needed him to know that I was there with him.

  “I just wanted you to know the truth about why we didn’t find you right away.” He swallowed. “And then a couple of weeks later my mother died. Nori took it hard and went to one of the rehab planets. Rysden and Declan were going back and forth—sneaking onto Earth to find you—for months, but there was so much chaos and…obviously, they couldn’t find you. It felt like I’d lost everyone and everything and I was so alone and hopeless.”

&n
bsp; He looked at me then, and I could see the fear and hurt in him. For the first time, he wasn’t smiling and teasing me.

  My lungs tightened as I held my breath. I didn’t want him to stop talking, but I was scared of what he was going to say next.

  “For six years, we’d never been apart. Any time either of us were the least bit upset, we leaned on each other to balance ourselves, but that was gone and I couldn’t figure out how to find the balance without you. I was completely out of control. An embarrassment to everyone, especially myself. I was old enough. I should’ve been able to—” His voice broke and he pressed his lips together.

  I squeezed his foot and started to massage it, but I stayed quiet. I could feel his heartbreak as if it were my own, and his fear that I would push him away if I knew the truth. But I wasn’t going to do that. I wasn’t going to push him away.

  I’d said I was leaving a few times, but I’d already promised I’d stay. I hadn’t realized how much it scared him when I threatened to run away.

  He leaned forward a little and I wanted to go to him then, but I knew if I did, I might not hear the whole story. And I wanted to know. I needed to know. So, I stayed pressed against the wall of the tub across from him.

  “You have to know that we never gave up on you. You’ve said your father wasn’t doing anything, and that’s just so completely wrong. I wasn’t allowed to go with him ever again, but your father went back a few times that first year. Then Declan went back to his father and started looking on his own. Over the years, he’d get a lead and Rysden would disappear without warning or word of where he went, but I knew. He was trying to find you. But it was always some other halfer. He smuggled so many back, but it was never you. And I knew you were suffering and I—”

  It made me feel a lot better knowing that my father wasn’t just hanging out here while my mother and I were fighting for our lives. And it helped to know that while he’d been searching for me, he’d been helping other halfers stuck on Earth. Maybe I’d been wrong about my father. Maybe he wasn’t as cold as I’d thought.

  I could see Lorne trying to hold back his tears, but I needed more. He couldn’t stop now. “What happened with you?”

  He laughed, but it wasn’t because this was funny. It was too broken and rough of a sound. “I was a mess. The guilt tore me apart. Over the lives I’d taken. Over delaying everyone from getting to you. I wasn’t charged with anything for the lives I took other than not being allowed to be part of finding you. Which was torturous…

  “It was my penance.” He dropped his chin to his chest. “If I went to Earth and didn’t find you, they couldn’t trust that I wouldn’t start killing people. We’d managed to keep the secret of our fao’ana to ourselves, but I’d ruin that. So, I stayed here, but I could feel every single time you were afraid, and it drove me crazy.”

  I scooted closer to him. “But I was afraid all the time. It became my normal.”

  “I know. Being trapped when an innocent person that you love is in danger and feeling it beating at you…” He shook his head. “I did the only thing that I could think of—I drowned it in alcohol and drugs and women.” He spit that out fast, as if he were disgusted with himself all over again. “Anything to cover up your fear. Anything to feel something else.”

  He was quiet for a second, and I thought he was done, but then he looked up at me.

  “I felt your fear dull a bit after three years. I thought it was because we were growing distant—and that broke my heart—but now I know it was because you’d made a home in Albuquerque. But I kept doing what I was doing, even knowing that it was a slow poison that would kill me. That I’d eventually take it too far and no pod would be able to fix what I’d done to myself. And I was ready for death.”

  The water was warm, but my skin chilled.

  “When you woke up from your coma, I knew what you meant. I knew because I’d felt the same.”

  I remembered my words when I woke up. I’d welcomed death. I was ready, because dying felt easier. Living, fighting, surviving—that was hard.

  “What changed?” He clearly pulled his life together. He’d been living here with my father, and with how strict my father seemed to be, I didn’t see him letting Lorne waste away like that.

  “Seven years ago, your father came back from another failed attempt at finding you. He came to my father’s condo to tell me and he found me…he lost his temper. Told me how unworthy I was of you. You were a di Aetes. You weren’t going to quit. Not ever. But I had already quit. That when we got you back—and he swore he would get you back—that if you came home to me looking like I did, then you’d want no part of me. Something about that cut through the haze. He demanded I go detox with Jesmesha, and I agreed.”

  He took a steadying breath. “I lived in one of the houses next to the dome for a little more than a year. She helped me realize that I could look at your fear as a bad thing or I could turn it into hope. If you were afraid, you were alive. You were still fighting somewhere. Which meant I needed to start fighting again. She did a ton of scans of my back and we thought up so many possibilities of how the future could look. Eventually, I left her place and came to live with your father. He was a much better influence on me than my own. I eventually started to participate in politics again, but I wouldn’t accept my place with the Aunare until I had you by my side. And now you’re here.”

  Oh shit. “And now you’re king.”

  “And now we’re at war.”

  I knew what he was getting at now. “And now you need me to be queen.” I sighed. “I—”

  He gripped me underneath my knees and pulled until I was in his lap.

  “I’ve lived a life without you. I know what that’s like, and I know I barely survived it. And I know it’s absolutely nothing compared to how hard you had to fight to stay alive.” His hands cupped my face. “I’m so incredibly thankful that you’re truly a di Aetes. That you never gave up. I’m so thankful for everything your mother did to make sure that you stayed alive. I don’t care about the memories. I know you’ll have nightmares for a while—maybe always—and I don’t care if I never sleep another full night. I don’t care about anything but being together. As long as you’re in bed beside me every night, we can get through anything else.”

  My heart picked up and I knew exactly where this was going and I wasn’t sure I was ready. I’d probably never be ready.

  But I knew my answer.

  “I know without a doubt that I’m completely unworthy of you.” Lorne’s eyes brightened. “I don’t deserve the gift of having you after everything that I’ve done.”

  I felt his nerves rising and my own rose with it.

  Oh god.

  He was going to really do it. He was going to finish stealing my heart.

  He pulled my face closer until all I could see was his safe, aquamarine gaze.

  “I loved you back then, and I thought it was more than I could ever love anyone. But when you came back that love had changed. It’d grown and matured and I need you. I can’t breathe when we’re apart. My soul aches and withers without you. I know it’s selfish to ask anything of you after all that you’ve been through. Especially tonight. I’m an asshole, but I have to do it. I know that you have no desire to fight this war—and I agree. I understand. I really do. And I agree that the Aunare that you’ve seen haven’t been kind to you, but look at Nori. Look at Plarsha. Look at Eshrin. Fynea. Solan. There are so many on this planet, on our outlying planets, on our allies’ planets, even on SpaceTech’s colonies and Earth that are cheering you on. You’ve given so many hope, and it’s so sad that you can’t see it.”

  He took a breath and it was like my whole world paused while I waited for what he’d say next.

  He pressed a soft kiss to my lips and then pulled back just barely enough to speak. “I know I’m not worthy, but if you say yes, I promise I will do my best every day to make sure you know that I love you with every part of my soul. And that’s really a shit promise because you already own ever
y part of me. No matter your answer. But I have to ask anyway. I have to try.”

  I felt it then. The rush of fate catching up to me. I closed my eyes, and tried to think of what my answer should be, but I couldn’t think. I couldn’t trust myself to speak.

  Because my heart wanted to say yes.

  “Will you please marry me? Will you be my wife, my queen?”

  “Lorne.” It was too much. I wasn’t ready. I couldn’t—

  He was smiling now and I felt myself smiling, too.

  “And if you can’t say yes, at least give me a maybe you’ll think about it. That would be enough. Just don’t say no. Please.”

  “Lorne.” He was killing me right now. His skin brightened every time I said his name, and the vulnerability in his eyes tore down every wall I’d built around my heart.

  I’d thought he was asking for my heart, but when I looked into his eyes, I knew I was wrong. He hadn’t been asking for my heart, he’d been trying to give me his.

  “And if it’s too much for right now—for tonight—I’ll just ask later. Again and again. I’ll keep trying. Okay? Just don’t say no. It doesn’t have to be a yes. Just don’t let it be a no.”

  “Oh my god. Lorne.” I ran my hands through his hair, pulling it free from the tie. It was as silky and soft as I’d thought, and I wanted this dream to never end. “I can’t keep up. You’re going too fast—”

  “I spoke too fast.” He took a breath. “Good note. Okay. I’ll start over. Just which part did I lose you on?”

  I dropped my forehead on to his and gave a laugh of desperation. He was undoing me. “Lorne!” How could I tell him no when he babbled like that?

  His skin was bright and he was smiling in a way that told me he was up to something. “I have one more question. It’s random and doesn’t have anything to do with any of this. Not really.”

  “I’m afraid to know what it is.” But I was happy, and I would probably answer him.

  “Do you really have my emblem tattooed on your hip?”

  Oh my god. “Lorne.” I shoved his back against the tub.