Pieces of Me

by Jacquie Underdown

  ‘You two smell like a brewery. It’s a Monday night, what the hell spurred this on?’ asked Bayden.

  ‘Hannah troubles,’ said Ryan.

  Bayden faced me, his features showing worry. ‘She’s not getting any more trouble, is she?’

  I shook my head. ‘No.’

  Ryan leant forward and pressed his hands against the Perspex separating the back from the front of the cab. ‘What kind of trouble?’

  We ignored his question.

  ‘The only trouble she’s getting is from me.’

  ‘He fucked her,’ said Ryan. ‘He wants to do it again. But he can’t because he’s leaving.’

  Bayden’s eyebrows arched high. A cheeky grin formed on his lips. ‘You and Hannah … you.’ He nodded as though that was enough to explain what he couldn’t find words for.

  ‘Yeah.’

  He smiled. ‘I don’t get why you’re fucking leaving in the first place. You’ve got a good job. Good friends. And now Hannah might be on the cards. Christ, all that study to become a vet. Do you even like animals?’

  I nodded. ‘Yeah, of course I like animals. I think I do. I like Hannah’s dog.’

  ‘You’d like anything as long as it belonged to Hannah,’ said Ryan.

  I lifted my middle finger up at him.

  Bayden shifted the gearstick out of neutral. ‘All I’m saying is you’re giving up a hell of a lot, and for what?’

  ‘I don’t expect you, either of you, to understand,’ I said, crossing my arms over my chest.

  Bayden laughed. ‘Good. Because I don’t.’

  ‘Me either,’ said Ryan.

  ‘All right, all right. Enough talk about me. Let’s just get home before Mercy Island is burnt to the ground and looted because Constable Bayden got distracted while trying to fight crime.’

  I didn’t want to be thinking about Hannah, because then I’d want to call her. Drunk call her, which was worse. But I couldn’t stop myself. While I showered, I thought of what it would be like to have her naked self in there with me, hot water ricocheting off her hard nipples. While I dressed, I imagined peeling her clothes off, revealing then tasting every inch of her naked flesh. While I laid in bed with the lights off and my head spinning from all the beer I’d drunk, I thought about how fucking incredible it had felt to push deep inside her. I was as hard as a rock and as horny as all hell.

  Damn it.

  I fumbled for my mobile on the night stand. I opened my contacts and pressed call. I was an idiot. I knew it. But I didn’t care. I just wanted to talk to her. Hear her voice.

  ‘Bear? Is everything okay?’

  I leant back against my pillows. ‘Everything’s fine.’

  A short moment of silence. ‘It’s late. I thought maybe Becca had …’

  ‘No. I just wanted to talk to you. I didn’t wake you, did I?’

  ‘No. I was still awake.’ More silence. ‘Um … are you drunk? You’re slurring.’

  ‘A little. Ryan and I, we went to the pub after our surf this arvo.’

  ‘That’s not like you, is it?’

  ‘Not really.’ I laughed. ‘Ryan can be a bad influence. Or a good ear, depending on which way I choose to see it.’

  ‘You talked about stuff?’

  ‘As much as two drunk guys can, I guess.’

  ‘What did you talk about?’ She kept her voice light, but I could hear the curiosity.

  ‘You.’

  ‘Me?’ There was a nervous edge to her giggle. ‘All good, I hope.’

  ‘It’s always good with you, Hannah.’

  Again the silence

  I took a deep breath. ‘I … do you want to come over?’

  Another pause. ‘That’s probably not a good idea, Bear.’

  I squeezed my eyes shut, gripped hard at the bed sheet, and bit back a groan. Of course she wouldn’t want to come over. I was drunk. We’re friends who agreed to have a one-night stand, no strings attached. I levelled my voice. ‘Yeah, you’re right. I’m sorry, I don’t know what I was thinking.’

  ‘It’s okay. It’s just that it’s late and I’m already in bed.’

  I pressed my palm to my forehead. ‘Of course.’

  ‘You sure everything’s okay?’

  I nodded, then remembered I needed to speak. ‘Yep. Fine.’

  ‘You’ll be right for work tomorrow?’

  ‘Yep. No worries. I’ll sleep this off and be fine.’

  ‘Okay. Well, I’ll see you tomorrow then?’

  ‘Yep.’

  ‘Bye, Bear.’

  ‘Bye, Hannah.’

  The line disconnected. I groaned and threw my phone across the room. It crashed against the wall and fell to the floor.

  Chapter 39

  Hannah

  Bear was not well at all. I could tell the moment I saw him in my door frame. His eyes were bloodshot, his face pale. I should have felt sympathy, but I didn’t. Instead, I laughed.

  ‘You sure Nat didn’t stop by the pub and feed you her pink cocktails?’

  He managed a smile, but winced after a moment. ‘No. Just beer.’

  I laughed again. ‘I thought I was the only one who partied way too hard.’

  ‘Ha ha, very funny,’ he said as he followed me into the house.

  I went to the kitchen and grabbed out two paracetamol and a glass of water. I handed them to him and he swallowed them down.

  ‘Hopefully that will help.’

  He nodded as he placed the glass in the sink. He spun to face me, his back leaning against the bench. ‘I’m going to have to pop out a little later and grab a new phone. I don’t want to go too long in case Becca tries to call me.’ I giggled. ‘Did you lose it in your drunken stupor?’ Then I remembered he was talking to me last night after he got home, so that couldn’t be right.

  He looked away and grinned bashfully. ‘Um … it broke. A little bit.’

  ‘That sucks. But yes, go out and get a new one. So is Becca feeling a bit better now?’

  ‘I’m not sure. She says it’s fine, but she sounds sad when we talk. I organised an air-con for her, so hopefully she’ll sleep better at least.’

  ‘It’s a worry. Have you thought about what will happen if she can’t stick it out?’

  He blew out a long breath of air, his eyes closed, then looked at me. He did not look well at all. ‘I’d just have to scrap my holiday, and she’ll have to move to Brisbane with me, I guess.’

  I nodded. ‘When is she eighteen?’

  ‘In two months.’

  ‘Hmmm. Complicated.’

  He pressed away from the bench. ‘Yes it is, but I’m not going to worry about it if I don’t have to. There’s just as much chance it will fall into place for her. And for me,’ he added, with less conviction.

  ‘Of course.’

  He rubbed the back of his neck. ‘About last night—’

  I put a hand up. ‘Nothing to worry about.’

  ‘I’m an idiot, Han. I shouldn’t have done that—asked you to come over. It was wrong.’

  I shook my head. He stepped closer and gripped my wrist. How inconceivable it was that a hand touching my skin could feel more intimate than a kiss, and more erotic than sex.

  I peered into those apologetic green eyes. ‘I’ve not had many friendships with men. And I guess we’ve kind of complicated our friendship by …’ I stopped and coughed once. ‘The boundaries are indefinable and always moving. From the moment we met. But you can’t keep apologising to me, or feeling like shit because you think you’ve overstepped one, when you can’t be sure what the boundaries are to start with.’

  He released his hand, dropped it to his side. ‘I don’t get drunk and then call a girl over to have sex.’

  I flinched. ‘When you put it that way …’

  ‘Exactly. It’s wrong. And I apologise.’

  I nodded. ‘Then I accept your apology.’ I spun and flicked the jug on to boil. Over my shoulder, I asked, ‘Do you want a coffee?’

  ‘No thanks. I’m just going to get st
arted.’

  ‘Sure.’

  I didn’t look at him as he walked away, his heavy footsteps sounding on the floorboards. I should have known there was no such thing as no-strings-attached, for both of us.

  Bear was in the lounge room on a ladder, sanding a patch of plaster he had applied to the cornicing. He gazed down at me and stopped what he was doing. ‘Everything okay?’

  I shook my head. Then nodded, still not quite sure what to say.

  He climbed down the ladder, rushed to me and held my arms. ‘Han?’

  ‘She loved it,’ I managed.

  Bear lowered his brows, offering a confused smile. ‘Who? Loved what?’

  I shook my head, realising he wasn’t a mind reader. ‘Alison. The acquiring editor. She loved my idea. They’ve offered me a publishing deal.’

  Bear’s eyes widened, a smile stretched across his face. ‘What?’

  I took two deep breaths, attempting to contain my excitement. ‘Penright Press has offered me a publishing deal.’

  ‘Oh my god,’ he said, beaming. ‘That’s freakin’ amazing!’

  His excitement was fuel for my own. ‘I know,’ I squealed, jumping up and down on the spot. ‘I can’t believe it. I can’t believe it.’ I threw my head back and laughed. ‘I can’t believe it.’

  Bear pulled me into his arms and spun me around. ‘I can totally believe it. That manuscript was incredible. You’re incredible. It’s no wonder they snavelled it up.’

  He placed my feet back down and grinned wide. ‘Congrats, Han. I’m so damn proud of you.’

  I peered up at him, at his happy crinkled eyes, the broad, genuine smile on his face. My chest warmed and tightened. Then something altogether unexpected occurred. Grief lifted its snarling head, constricting my throat. Not grief in a miserable sense, but a regretful, relieving, blissful sense. A beautiful dichotomy of emotions.

  I had never known, even from my own mother and father, let alone Allister, true support and goodwill. True pride. It played on the deep bands in my stomach like a dam breaking. I could barely breathe through my aching throat and squeezing lungs. Tears sprung like a flood. I turned away as a sob broke from my lips. Happiness and regret washing over me. For so long I was told I wasn’t good enough, wasn’t pretty enough, wasn’t … anything of worth. How bizarre a sensation to be told one thing your entire adult life and then be given the opposite. I couldn’t quite grasp it. Didn’t quite feel I should … or could.

  Another sob shuddered and I fought for air.

  Bear’s hands moved to my shoulders, spinning me to face him. Damn his kindness. Damn his eyes, seeing me like this. A broken woman, trying to piece back my emotions and my sense of self-worth. But how much I craved his comfort, despite how foreign it felt.

  ‘Han. Hey. Hey,’ he soothed, pulling me into his embrace. ‘I understand. I do. Come on. Come here.’ He stroked a hand over my hair, down my back, and I cried onto his chest. Lost it utterly. Loud wracking sobs. Years of emotional torment gushed from me appearing as wetness on my cheeks. ‘You deserve this, Han. You’re smart and capable and compassionate. You totally deserve this.’

  But did I? Truly. I couldn’t reconcile in my mind, couldn’t open myself up to the possibility of happiness. I grew up with a mother who felt nothing most of the time, and when she did feel it was only deep despair, long weeks upon weeks in her darkened bedroom, hair stuck to her tear crusted cheeks. I tiptoed around her, afraid to smile while she was lost to the black clouds that hung over her like giant cobwebs.

  And I didn’t dare to think, dream, feel outside of Allister’s little controlling world he had built for me. And now, since being in Mercy Island, with the endless space and my entire world opening up in a gush, it felt too much. Too much goodness. And I’d forgotten how to deal with that, because I always felt ashamed of being happy. So I had stopped being happy.

  Chapter 40

  Bear

  Oh, man. Hannah was breaking my heart in two. I knew where she was. I was empathetic to the storm raging inside. I’d been there. I still went there.

  A burning anger trembled through my body. I wanted to kill Allister. I wanted to kill every man that ever preyed on a woman and left them like this. Broken. Unable to accept in their own minds moments of happiness, because they had been made to feel like they never deserved anything good.

  Old emotions, shadows of my own past, tussled with the anger inside me, but I pushed them down. In this moment, Hannah needed me. I’d go to the ocean later. Wash away the past with all its pain until it poked its snarling head up again at a later time.

  I allowed her to cry against my chest while she worked it over in her mind. It seemed easy enough, day by day, as you sold yourself some story, convincing yourself that you were coping. But in the end the truth would manifest when the right triggers were present. Like now.

  After a while Hannah lifted her head from my chest, her damp traces of pain making my shirt cling to me. She looked up with her tear-stained eyes. She shook her head and sighed, her lips parting on numerous occasions, but no words transpired. Finally, she said, ‘I’m sorry. I … don’t know what came over me.’

  ‘Don’t apologise, Han. I get it.’

  She sighed.

  ‘I, ah, was given a book a long time ago. It was written by a Buddhist monk.’ I grimaced as I gauged her reaction. Passive, so I continued. ‘I don’t know exactly what he was talking about, but he said one thing that has helped me deal with … things.’

  Her eyes widened. I could feel her desperation for help, for relief.

  ‘He said much of the time we try and ignore, avoid, or alter how we are feeling. That’s why there is such an enormous addiction problem across the world. We are running from how we feel in any given moment, because sometimes those feelings can bring us to our knees if we dare to feel them.’

  She nodded fast. ‘Yes.’

  ‘They can make you feel like you could even die if you are to experience them.’

  Hannah nodded again, a fresh tear spilling onto her cheek.

  ‘This monk said that the best thing you can do is to feel it. Go with it. Be with that emotion. Accept that it exists. Just pause for however many breaths it takes and breathe it into your heart. Life sucks sometimes. Sometimes it sucks so bad you want the ability to never feel anything ever again. But running from it makes it harder…’ I stopped then. Waves of tingles shot up my arms, over my face, across my scalp. My head lightened, dizzied. A lump caught in my throat. My god. Was that what I was doing by leaving Mercy Island? Running away? I took a deep breath as I rolled it over in my mind, but Hannah interrupted my contemplation.

  ‘I’ll try that. Thank you.’

  I nodded, but my heart was racing. My thoughts were elsewhere. ‘It helped me, so much.’ But perhaps I had a lot of work still left to do.

  ‘I’m sorry to be such a burden on you, Bear.’

  I shook my head, snapping back to the present. ‘You’re not a burden, Hannah. At all.’

  She pulled away from me and smiled meekly. ‘Well, um, I better get back to work or I’ll be here all night trying to catch up.’

  I nodded. ‘Yep. Me too.’

  She spun and walked away, back up to her office.

  The remainder of the afternoon dragged as I counted down the time before I could dip my toes in the sea.

  My foundations had been shaken today. I didn’t cope well without my feet grasping some ground. I felt out of control. I hated that sensation, the instability of it. I called Serg on my way to the beach.

  ‘Hey, Bear.’

  ‘Hi. Are you able to join me for a surf?’

  ‘Sure. What’s up?’

  I breathed through my clenching throat, trying to stabilise my voice. ‘Just some old shit raising its head.’

  ‘Okay,’ he said with a steady tone. ‘I’ll meet you at the beach in ten.’

  Serg arrived not long after me. I saw him standing on the beach, surfboard under his arm, from where I sat out among the waves. He paddle
d out to me, but said nothing. We just surfed wave after wave until the sun had settled behind the mountains.

  In silence, we washed the sand and salt from our bodies and boards under the showers, then tied our boards to our cars. Serg came to my side and stood leaning back against my ute. I did the same, arms crossed over my chest.

  ‘Want to tell me what happened today?’ he asked.

  I nodded, but couldn’t quite think of the words yet.

  ‘Hannah?’ he asked.

  I shrugged. ‘Yes. Hannah. My past.’ I spun to face him, tried to steady my voice. ‘Why the fuck am I leaving, Serg? Why the hell does it have to be so damned hard all the fucking time?’ I could feel the tears in my throat. They burnt my eyes. I hated this. Weak. I was supposed to be a man, not crying like a kid.

  Serg pulled me to him and hugged me, slapping my back with his palm. ‘Life is hard, Bear. For everyone. And the sooner you realise that, the sooner you can just get on with living it.’

  I pulled away, wiped at my cheeks. ‘I am living it. At least I’m trying to. Once I get away—’

  ‘See that’s your problem right there. Can’t you see that you’re chasing your own tail? Whatever demons you’re dealing with here in Mercy Island, you’re going to be dealing with no matter where you are. Heading overseas, surfing at different spots, sleeping with a few girls, isn’t going to get rid of them. Moving to Brisbane, taking on a different career, isn’t going to get rid of them.’ He pointed to my chest, lowered his voice. ‘Once you stop running and turn around and face those demons, that’s when you can start to move on. But until then … I’m sorry, but until then, this is how it’s always going to be.’

  I drew a deep breath in and blew it out. I hated what he was telling me. I wanted to take his words, scrunch them up in my fists and throw them at his face.

  ‘It’s more complicated than that,’ I said, words fuelled by anger. Not at him, but at myself. For not being able to pull it together.

  He arched a brow. ‘Is it? What’s complicating matters?’

  ‘Hannah. I really like her. Bec’s unhappy. I think she wants to come home. Johnno offered me the opportunity to buy his business.’

  He nodded. ‘Sounds like it’s all coming together.’