Pieces of Me

by Jacquie Underdown

  ‘I know I’m running. I’m always fucking running. I’m tired of it.’

  ‘Then change your plans. Stay in Mercy Island. It’s simple.’

  ‘I can’t. I don’t want to. I’ve worked so hard and waited for so long. I’m not just going to throw it all away.’

  ‘That’s up to you. I can’t decide for you.’

  I lowered my head and sighed. ‘I know.’

  A long silence as I shifted the gravel and sand with my toe.

  ‘Bayden said you got drunk last night?’

  I peered sidelong at him and nodded. ‘Yep.’

  ‘A little out of character.’

  I crossed my arms over my chest. ‘A little.’

  ‘So tell me about Hannah. What’s happening there?’

  ‘We slept together.’

  His head snapped up to look at me.

  ‘I know, I know,’ I said. ‘She’s aware that I’m leaving. We agreed …’ I sighed. ‘She has this bucket list … it’s a long story.’

  He lowered his brows, but nodded. ‘She’s a lovely girl. A bit of history behind her. But I think that’d be good, considering your own.’

  ‘I really fucking like her, Serg. Like, a lot. A lot, a lot. I’m so damn scared of hurting her, yet I can’t resist her. On one hand, I want to find out what could become of us, and on the other, I’m scared to. She’s not ready for a relationship. She’s told me that. I can see that. She’s got some heavy shit to work through. But hell, if I can’t stop thinking about her every fucking minute of the day.’

  Serg laughed. ‘I know what that’s like. It was the same with Jocey. She’d been through some tough times too. But we took it slow and it worked out in the end.’ He went silent and swallowed hard. ‘Hannah reminds me of Jocey. Same vulnerability, yet so much strength and spirit to work her way out of it.’

  ‘And Hannah’s so damn sexy. God, she brings me to my knees. I think I could give it all up for her.’ I stopped and looked at him. Unsure why I’d even said that. If I even meant it.

  ‘How does she feel about you?’

  I shook my head. ‘We’re friends. That’s all she can handle.’

  ‘Obviously a little more than friends if you’re having sex.’

  My stomach tightened as I thought about our night together. It sure felt like more than friends. ‘I don’t know what the fuck we are. That’s what’s so confusing. If I had a steady direction to head in, I might be able to think clearer.’

  Again he laughed. ‘Women have a way of muddling our minds.’

  I laughed too. They sure did. At least Hannah did anyway.

  Serg took a noisy breath and slapped his palm on my back. ‘Well, Bear. You’ve got a lot of thinking to do by the sounds of it.’

  I nodded. ‘Yeah.’

  Chapter 41

  Hannah

  Bear invited Serg to surf with us this afternoon and I was having them both over tonight for dinner. As a thank you to Serg for his help. And because I needed to talk to him. But the waves were bigger than a beginner could navigate. A storm was coming through early tomorrow morning, wreaking havoc on the ocean already. So, I sat up on the beach after I fell off the board for the tenth time, crashed into the water and had a blast of brine go up my nose. It stung like crazy.

  Serg joined me soon enough on the beach, and we watched Bear out in the swell. He was amazing, his skill and the control he had over that incredible body. No wonder he was so lithe and powerful—like a machine in the waves.

  ‘I’m glad I got you alone for a minute, Serg.’

  He turned to me, both eyebrows arched high. ‘Yeah?’

  I focused on my toes as I dug them into the sand beneath me. ‘I read Gran’s diary.’

  He nodded. ‘Jocey hoped you would.’

  I looked up at him, a brow arched. ‘She did?’

  ‘She left it for you, so you would … understand.’

  ‘Well, I understand. Now. Everything. She left such vivid descriptions.’

  ‘She loved to write.’

  Again my head snapped up to look at him. ‘I never knew that.’

  He nodded. ‘She wrote so many stories, just short ones about life. Little things that happened. I have them all at home if you ever want to look at them.’

  ‘I’d love that. I love to write too.’ I grinned wide. ‘That might be where I get it from.’

  He smiled. ‘Could be.’

  ‘I started writing a story about her life.’ I hesitated going on, gauging his reaction first. But his face was impassive. ‘I feel I have to write it, to clear up the misunderstanding between Mum and Gran, but also because she was so courageous. And inspirational. I think her story could help so many people.’

  ‘I agree.’

  ‘You’re okay if I do that? I’m going to change names, of course.’

  He shrugged. ‘I think it’s a great idea.’

  I looked out at the ocean, at Bear waiting in the distance for the next great wave to roll in. ‘She spoke about your love for each other.’

  His eyes watered and he blinked quickly. Seeing his pain made my throat ache. My words were difficult to get out. ‘I would like to include some passages about your relationship if you approve. I don’t have to.’

  He nodded. ‘I think that would be fitting.’

  ‘She …’ I hesitated, wondering if I was overstepping some imaginary line. ‘Gran learnt what true love was when she met you. It took her until she was fifty-one but meeting you made all the waiting bearable.’

  He smiled as a tear rolled down his cheek, caught in his grey moustache. ‘She wrote that, eh?’

  ‘Yep. You were her light in the darkness and you shone so bright you almost blinded her.’

  He laughed a watery laugh. ‘She did say that to me sometimes. I’d forgotten.’

  ‘I’ll let you read it before I send it to my editor, just in case you want me to delete anything.’

  ‘I’m sure you’ll be sensitive to your Gran’s memory and to me.’

  I nodded. ‘I’ll try my hardest.’

  He smiled and wiped at the tears on his cheeks.

  ‘So, you and Bear have a long history?’ I asked.

  He nodded. ‘Since he was a small kid darting around the town.’

  ‘He was telling me you helped him and Rebecca into a house when he was younger.’

  Again he nodded, but didn’t elaborate.

  ‘Why? What happened?’

  He turned to look at me with his kind blue eyes. ‘That’s something I’ll leave for Bear to tell you.’

  I nodded. ‘Of course.’

  Chapter 42

  Bear

  The night was humid, the clouds desperate to give forth summer rain. After dinner with Hannah, I walked Serg to his car, our feet crunching over gravel.

  ‘Thanks for the surf. And for your help yesterday,’ I said.

  He winked. ‘That’s what I’m here for.’

  I owed this man so much. Without him, I don’t know where I’d be right now. Where Becca would be.

  He climbed into the driver’s seat, shut the door then wound down the window. ‘You are both good for each other.’

  I waved him away. ‘All right. All right.’

  He grinned wryly. ‘Just saying it how I see it.’

  ‘Of course you are,’ I said and laughed.

  ‘Anytime you want another surf, just give me a yell.’

  ‘Will do.’

  He wound the window back up, started the engine and drove off. I watched him until his tail-lights were out of sight, wanting to use the time to get my head right before I went back in to Hannah.

  When I turned around, she was watching me from the door frame. Her hair was out and falling down to her shoulders, still mussy from the afternoon spent in the surf.

  ‘You want to take Penny for a walk along the beach?’ I asked.

  She smiled and nodded. ‘I’d love that.’

  I held Penny at my side. She tugged on the lead wanting to race ahead, but I pulled
her back. She panted as the excitement of going for a walk rushed through her little body.

  Hannah strode to the opposite side of me, the moonlight casting a silvery shadow over her beautiful face.

  ‘I told Serg about my book today,’ she said. ‘He seemed happy I was writing it. It’s important to me, so I’m glad he felt comfortable with it all.’

  ‘Serg is pretty laid back.’

  Her blue gaze met mine. ‘You have a close relationship, don’t you?’

  I nodded. ‘Yeah. He’s a father figure to me.’

  ‘I didn’t mean to pry today. It just kinda popped out, but I asked him what happened when you were fifteen.’

  I stopped walking and wound the leash tighter around my hand. ‘What did he say?’

  ‘That you should be the one to tell me.’ She shook her head and we kept on walking. ‘But, I don’t mind if you don’t want to tell me. I don’t mind at all. Like I said, it popped out, then I felt intrusive and—’

  ‘I get it, Hannah. Don’t worry about it.’

  We walked longer in silence, as the memories came to mind like pin heads pushing through my brain. Never too far from reach. Always painful. But where did I start? And would Hannah be able to handle what I had to tell her? I looked at her from the corner of my eye as she peered out over the ocean, her hair blowing around her face. My lips parted.

  ‘Living with mum became too dangerous. We had to get away.’

  ‘I … sort of guessed that was the case,’ she said softly.

  I licked my lips and swallowed hard. ‘My mother’s boyfriend was living with us. One night they came back from the pub. Woke me up with their screaming. Becca came and jumped into bed with me. We’d usually talk about wishes until the fighting stopped, to distract ourselves.’ I paused, steadying my voice. Both amazed and ashamed to hear it shaking with emotion after all these years.

  ‘But they went on and on. Becca fell back to sleep, but I couldn’t. It sickened me … scared me. I’d seen what these guys could do. And then I heard him laying into mum with his fists and I couldn’t just lay there in bed and listen to that. I was so damn angry my body shook.’ I clenched my fist around the leash, holding it tight in my hand. My breaths were shallow. ‘I went out to the kitchen. Mum’s face was covered in blood. She was sprawled out on the floor and he was still punching …’ My voice trailed off. Some details Hannah didn’t need to hear.

  ‘He would’ve killed her if he kept going. I grabbed the arsehole by the hair and I hammered him with everything I had. Everything. I couldn’t stop and only did because Serg came bursting in. A neighbour had called the cops. I … put Mum’s boyfriend in a coma. He nearly died.’ I fisted my free hand, the knuckles cracking. ‘He charged me.’ I stopped, took a deep breath then scoffed. ‘He charged me, despite the fact that he just beat my mother half-dead.’

  Hannah reached her hand out and brushed my fingertips with hers. Her skin was cold, or mine was hot. I gripped her hand in mine, threading my fingers through hers.

  ‘I’m so sorry, Bear. For a fifteen-year-old to have to go through that …’ She shook her head. ‘Did you have to go to court?’

  ‘Yeah. But I got off on probation. Then Mum skipped town. Just left me and Becca. Serg organised a house for us. I left school to work for Johnno so I could pay for us to live.’

  Hannah squeezed my hand. ‘And look how well you’ve done.’

  I smiled. ‘I do the best I can.’

  She wiped at her face and my heart squeezed. ‘Come on, Han. Don’t you go getting all upset over it. It’s in the past now.’

  She nodded and strained a smile. ‘I know. It’s just hard hearing you had to go through that. So young.’

  ‘I got through it. Bec got through it.’

  She nodded. ‘Yeah. You did.’

  We were silent for a long while, only the wash of the waves as they tumbled onto the shore was heard. Hannah eventually said, ‘I’m starting to think Serg is a saint.’

  I laughed. ‘He’s damn well close.’

  ‘Gran loved him so much. I can see why.’

  ‘I don’t know where’d I’d be now if it weren’t for him.’

  She smiled as she looked down at the soft sand beneath our feet and whispered, ‘Me too.’

  We made it to the old pier that stretched a hundred metres into the ocean. Our footsteps and Penny’s quick paws clacked across the weathered timber boards.

  ‘I loved this pier when I was younger. Gran and I would walk across it every morning of the holidays.’ She laughed. ‘She’d pack soggy cheese and tomato sandwiches, and we’d walk all the way to the end, then stop under the shade of the canopy on our way back and eat our breakfast.’ She grinned and peered up at me, her eyes bright. ‘I still love it.’

  I marvelled at how she could alter my perception of something I’d seen every day from drab to magical. We walked to the end and watched the night-stained waves crash against the pylons below.

  ‘Surfs up,’ I said.

  She laughed. ‘Is that all you think about?’

  I shook my head, grinning. ‘No. Not always. Sometimes I’m very much distracted.’

  Hannah smiled coyly and lowered her lashes. I loved that look. It made me want to kiss her until all the meekness rushed out of her. Desire stirred in the deepest recess of my core. My skin tingled with an animal need.

  Penny tugged at my lead, distracting me.

  ‘Looks like she’s ready to head back,’ said Hannah.

  I nodded and we started towards the shore.

  ‘What a beautiful night. How lucky are we, Bear, to be able to do this?’

  ‘Incredibly lucky.’ I bumped her shoulder with mine. ‘You’ve got a great perspective, you know.’

  She laughed. ‘Not always.’

  At the middle of the pier was a shelter with a hexagonal roof. There were some benches for people to sit. Hannah lingered at the railing, looking out over the ocean. ‘I don’t want to go home yet.’

  ‘We don’t have to. This storm’s a long way off.’ I tied Penny to a pole, then stood next to Hannah. Something had shifted in her. A different, stronger energy pulsated outwards. Sadness?

  ‘Everything okay?’ I asked, facing her.

  She turned away from the ocean and looked up at me. She nodded, then frowned. ‘I’m going to miss you, Bear. You’ve been a great friend to me.’

  I tried to smile, but couldn’t quite manage one. ‘I’ll miss you too.’ I reached for her hand and held it in mine. I loved the softness of her skin. My stomach stirred as memories of our night together intruded. I had intimately explored every part of her body and it pained me that I couldn’t do that over and over again.

  These stupid barriers denied us being with each other in all the ways I wanted to. The past and the future took away right now. What was right in front of us. What was passing between us in this very moment. All the reasons for stopping us seemed too monumental and worthy of such a task before, but right now I couldn’t even begin to conceive why I’d ever let the past or the future interfere with how I was feeling.

  I wanted Hannah. Nothing else. No thinking. No considerations of the consequences. I wanted Hannah. Full stop.

  Drawn to her, a deep compulsive motion, I hooked my finger through a belt loop in her shorts and pulled her to me until her body was pressed to mine. This was rightness. This was how it should be. Me and her with no space between. Each other’s warmth meeting.

  I smoothed my hands up her arms, knowing nothing else mattered but touching her. Her skin was like silk under my fingers, no longer cold like I felt on the beach, but burning. I cupped her face, just at her jaw line and leaned down. No thoughts, only the unstoppable desire to taste her.

  Our lips met. Not sweet and gentle. But like I was starved, with breath and heat and tongues. Hannah’s fingers darted under my shirt and wandered over my back, pulling at me, urging me closer.

  I kissed her deeper, but I couldn’t be satiated. I needed to be inside her. My body ached, hardened
for it. Her hand trailed to my stomach then lower. When she gripped my erection through my shorts, I groaned.

  ‘Oh, Hannah, I need you.’

  Her hands were at the drawstring on my shorts, fumbling at the tie.

  ‘God, yes, now,’ she breathed against my mouth. She untied the string and pulled my shorts down. They sat around my thighs. She reached in under my jocks, gripped my cock and released it. My lungs inflated at the rush of sensation. Her hand moved up and down on me. I wanted to explode right there. The heat. The burning desire.

  ‘Take your shorts off,’ I managed, hoarse and weak.

  She let go of me and I dizzied. I watched her unsteady hands as she undid the button on her denim shorts. Each movement made my bones ache with need. Hannah pulled them to her thighs, and I helped them down her legs, followed by her knickers. I pawed her waist and drew her to me again, feeling her naked warmth against me. How I’d love every part of her naked. Free those sexy breasts, but we were in the open. We were exposed enough.

  My lips pressed to hers with such intensity. My hardness pushed at her stomach and I groaned, desperate to be inside her. To test her readiness, I slipped a finger between her thighs, sliding over her tight little clit, then inside. She was warm and wet. So ready for me.

  ‘Will this mess up your bucket list?’ I growled.

  ‘No,’ she said against my mouth then slipped her tongue in to caress my own. So hot.

  ‘Is there such a thing as a two-night stand?’ I asked.

  She rolled her pelvis, pleasure pierced the head of my cock and I hissed.

  ‘There is now,’ she whispered.

  I couldn’t wait. Not one second longer. But how were we going to manage this? I tore my mouth away from hers and looked around.

  ‘Stand on that,’ I said, breathless, pointing to a small circular step at the corner of the railing. She did as she was asked. I stood in front of her, the height difference now taken care of, and lifted one leg onto the bottom rail opening her up for me. Her sweet scent filled my nostrils, driving me wild. I loved how wet she got for me. Lust boiled through my blood, tightening every muscle in my body, making me so hard the slightest touch took me over the edge.

  One hand on her waist, the other on my cock, I crouched a little. Positioning myself at her slick entrance, I pushed up and into that warm, hugging crevice. My head was light to feel her squeezing me. Panting, I stilled and breathed through the pleasure, wanting this to last as long as I could manage. I’d never been wound this taut. I wanted to shove into her, hard and fast.