by Toni Aleo
Avery: Okay. Text me.
Me: I will.
When I hobble down the stairs and into my room, I know I have no other option but to call my brother. I don’t want to. Things are so good right now. I mean, we are finding our place while falling for each other more and more each day. She is starting to trust me. I mean, last night solidified that, and I don’t want anything to come between us. But then, why am I assuming it’s bad? It could be great! He loves Avery and wants nothing more than for me to be happy. But I know that isn’t Jude and I know this is bad. Which scares the living shit out of me. Sitting on Markus’s bed, I click on Jude’s name and wait.
I don’t have to wait long.
“Hey, bro.”
“Hey,” I say wryly. “Calling you like you wanted.”
“Yeah, thanks. Practice run late?”
Shit, he’s stalling now.
My stomach drops as I fall back into Markus’s pillows. “Yeah, Markus hit me with the puck on the side of the knee, so I was getting fixed up.”
“You good?”
“Yeah, it hurts like balls, but I just took some pain meds.”
“Cool,” he says. “Stay off it.”
“Yeah, I am.”
“Okay,” he says and then lets out a long breath. “I guess I’ll get right to it, then.”
But I don’t say anything, my heart jackhammering in my chest. “What’s up?”
“So, you know how I play with Seth, Avery’s brother?”
Damn it. I knew this wasn’t going to be good. I’ve learned that any of her brothers and her in a sentence doesn’t end well. “Yeah. They don’t talk.”
“Yeah, I know, which is why I’m not sure how much stock I put in this, but I figure you need to know anyway.”
“Okay?”
“Okay, well, couple nights ago, we were out for drinks. And somehow, Seth and I were alone, which hardly ever happens, and I said, hey, my brother is dating your sister. He made a face and I laughed, saying that my brother is a good dude, he has nothing to worry about. Well, Seth makes another face and shakes his head, saying he isn’t worried about someone hurting Avery, but he’s worried about you. That she ruined some guy, Caleb’s, career when he broke up with her.”
“What?” I croak out, and while I thought it was something bad, I really didn’t think it was this bad.
She lied.
I feel like I’m going to pass out.
“Yeah, she went psycho apparently and tried to kill herself—”
“What? No. Really?” I say, because she didn’t tell me that. She told me it ended with cutting. Nothing more.
Fuck, she lied again.
“Yeah, and her parents freaked, and her dad made sure he was undraftable.”
Swallowing hard, I close my eyes as my teeth sink into my lip. “Wow,” is all I can say as I slowly shake my head.
“You know, I didn’t know if I should believe it. She doesn’t seem like the type to do something like that, but he was really adamant about it. Told me to make sure to let you know to get out. That she’s psycho, and that in the end, you’ll lose everything.”
Squeezing my eyes shut, I can’t believe this. “You believe him?”
“I don’t know, bro. I mean, it’s odd. I only know how I interact with my family, and if something like this had happened to, say, Lucy, I wouldn’t be so candid about it. He acted as if it was no big deal, that Avery was nothing, which is why I kind of don’t believe him. But then, I googled Caleb and asked Jayden, and he confirmed that Caleb completely turned his back on hockey and Facebook told me he is touring Africa at the moment.”
With my heart in my throat, making it hard to breathe, I shake my head. “She never told me anything like this. She told me Caleb was a douche and hurt her, but that was it. Not that she tried to kill herself.”
“Well, do you believe that part? That’s the part I’m sort of on the fence about.”
But I shake my head, knowing damn well she is capable. If she can cut herself, she can try to end it too, which just hurts me. Instead of being shitty to her, why didn’t her family help her? Fuck. But yet, I can’t tell my brother that. It isn’t his business.
“I don’t know.”
He sighs. “Well, Jace, the thing that worries me is that she didn’t tell you who her dad is either. I’m thinking maybe you should get out. You’ll never get the real story unless you go to Caleb, and I mean, then what? Why should you have to work so hard for a relationship with someone who has lied to you over and over again?”
“She doesn’t lie; she holds back.”
He hesitates, and I know he doesn’t want to hurt me. “So she told you her dad ruined Caleb’s chances in the draft?”
I pause. “No, she said he just disappeared.”
“Then she lied.”
“But that could be a lie from Seth.”
“True, but does it make sense? From what Jayden said, dude was good.”
He was, I know this, but I’m grasping at straws here and I don’t know why. The proof is in the pudding. She lied to me and I should be angry. But I’m not. I’m hurt, because it’s not only that. Why didn’t she tell me about the suicide attempt too? Why didn’t I see it? Especially when she had told me about Caleb. I found it hard to believe he would give up hockey. But I was just so happy she was opening up to me, I didn’t question her.
Fuck, now I’m pissed.
“Yeah, but he was a douche. She told me this,” I say, and shit, am I making excuses for her?
“Fine, but this is your career, Jace. Your livelihood, your dreams—you gotta figure out if it’s worth it.”
Swallowing hard, I say with as much conviction as I can manage, “She is worth it.”
“Worth losing it all? Really?”
“Yes, ugh, no. I don’t know. I don’t want to lose my career, and I sure as hell don’t want to lose her either. I love her.”
“I get that, dude. But it just seems like a lot of lies, a lot of hold-backs, and I don’t think you need that.”
I don’t.
So what does that mean?
“I just don’t want to you to lose it all. You can get over heartbreak, Jace. But losing your career? Something we’ve worked so hard for. That’s not something you can get over. Be smart here. ”
I nod. “Yeah, I am. But Jude, if I break it off with her now, which feels impossible, what keeps her dad from ruining everything?”
He pauses at that, and I hold my breath. “Yeah, I have nothing. You’re screwed, dude.”
“Wow, thanks.”
“Sorry, bro.”
“Yeah, whatever,” I snap and I feel like I’m drowning. Why does this day have to suck so badly? But most of all, why couldn’t she just be honest with me? Why couldn’t her family treat her right? Why couldn’t they love her the way my family loves me? Damn it!
“Jace, don’t be like that. I’m trying to help because I love you.”
“I know, and I appreciate it, I do. But now I don’t know what to do because I feel like I have to choose, and I can’t. I love them both, more than my own life, and I don’t want to pick. I want to have both of them, I want to be happy, but I just don’t know if I can. I feel like I have no choice, and that scares the living hell out of me.”
“I hear you, but you’ve only been dating for, what, a month? Hockey has been a part of you for years.”
“But she’s a part of me too,” I admit and he pauses.
“I didn’t know it was that serious.”
I close my eyes, swallowing past the lump in my throat. “It is.”
“Fine, just talk to her, Jace. You don’t have to pick one or the other yet. I’m just saying you need to be smart. If you can get out unscathed, I’d suggest that. But I can hear it in your voice, she means something to you, and I want you to be happy. But I also won’t let you get hurt.”
“I hear you,” I admit, even if it does hurt.
I know he’s right.
And I have no clue what to do.
I know I might be overreacting, but I’m worried.
“Hey, Stu. Thanks for taking my call.”
“I didn’t give you my cell phone for nothing. What’s up?”
I clear my throat, wondering if I’m making the right decision. But I don’t even know why I’m questioning myself. I want to take care of Jace before I leave. “I know I’m supposed to come in today. But I’m leaving town tomorrow, like I had said, and I’ve had classes all day and I really need to pack. Is there any way I can start Wednesday?”
“Of course,” he says loudly, causing me to hold the phone away from my ear. “You were just gonna do paperwork since I had to leave the office today. Wednesday is great, but you better come with a song we can work on together.”
I smile even though he can’t see me. “Absolutely.”
“Then we’re good. Have a nice trip,” he says as I push the door open to the music building, going out into the brisk fall air.
I know he wants to end the call, but I continue, “Also, I’ve been thinking about what you said.”
“Yeah? Which part?”
“My voice. That you think it isn’t sellable.”
“Oh? And?”
“I know I said that I think I am sellable, but I’m second-guessing that.”
“Okay. So what are you saying?”
Gah, what am I saying? Is that what I want? A part of me knows it is. But then I’m not sure if it’s because of the anxiety the stage causes or if it’s because I know I’ll never see Jace. We don’t see each other enough as it is, and the thought of going months without him is painful. But lately, the anxiety has been insane. It could change when I go on my new meds, but it might not. I don’t want to work for something that is unattainable. Something that can compromise my health. I have to think about me here. And in the long run, songwriting is my passion. It’s what makes me the happiest. Yes, I love performing my songs, building my songs, but what if my anxiety gets worse? But is this living my dreams? I’m so torn.
“I think I want to be a songwriter.”
“Cool, I think you’re brilliant, and I support that. I feel you’ll go further than you would as a performer, honestly.”
Biting the inside of my cheek, I nod. “I could change my mind, though,” I add with a laugh, and he laughs along with me.
“Avery, the showcase isn’t until March. We have time to figure it out. But, in the meantime, I want you to write. I want you to write till your fingers bleed.”
Grinning, I look up and my head falls to the side when I see Jace leaning against my car. What the hell? Remembering that I’m on the phone, I say, “Yeah, no problem. I have notebooks upon notebooks of songs.”
“Then do me a favor and drop them off to me today. Is that possible?”
I stop in front of Jace and his eyes are on me as I nod. “Yeah, I’ll go get them and run them up to your office.”
“Awesome, I’ll go through them this weekend, and we’ll discuss Wednesday. Have a nice trip.”
“Thanks, Stu.” I hang up, nodding to Jace’s leg. “What are you doing? Shouldn’t you be sleeping? Not walking?”
“I drove,” he says, hooking his thumb to where his car is. His body is tense, his eyes dark, and I think he’s mad.
What in the world?
“Are you okay? Are you in pain? You look pissed.”
“I am,” he answers, coming off the car and crossing his arms over his broad chest. “Do you have somewhere to be?”
I nod. “I do, but it can wait. What’s wrong?” I take a step toward him, and when I reach out to touch him, he moves out of my range. My brows come crashing together as I eye him. “Jace?”
“So I talked to Jude today,” he says, his eyes burning into mine. “And he told me that he and Seth talked.”
Oh, fuck.
Just like that, my heart speeds up in my chest and everything goes silent except for the loud crashing of my heart in my ears as I watch him, my eyes wide. Blinking, I clear my throat.
“Okay?” I say, trying to act as if that doesn’t matter, but I know it does. I can see it in his eyes. Seth told Jude, who in return told Jace, which means he knows. Dread is seeping out of my pores, my heart is in my throat, and true fear is in my chest. If I thought my anxiety was bad before, nothing compares to the drowning feeling I have right now. He isn’t happy, I can tell that, but surely he’ll understand.
Won’t he?
“His story was a bit different than the one you told me. And the thing is, you’ve lied to me, Avery. About a lot of stuff.”
Taking a step forward, I hold my hands up. “I didn’t lie. I held back because I didn’t think it mattered.”
His eyes widen. “Avery, you tried to kill yourself,” he bites out. “You told me it ended with the cutting.”
“Well, I mean, it did,” I say, but I know I’m just trying to justify what I told him. “I cut myself to die.”
“Avery! That’s not okay!”
“I know,” I yell, my chest aching from my heart slamming into it. “But Jace, it was bad. Caleb forced me to do it, in a way. You wouldn’t believe the texts he’d send me or the notes he’d leave in my locker, telling me to just kill myself. He tortured me. And Matty just laughed.”
“What?” he asks, incredulously. “I mean, shit, Avery. That’s hard to believe.”
“Because you love your family, and they love you. My brothers hate me. I’m a nuisance—the stick-holder. My own brother, my twin, thought that his best friend taunting me to hurt myself was funny.” My voice breaks and tears flood my eyes. “I had no one to turn to, and I just cracked. I didn’t think I had any way out. Caleb texted me over and over again, ‘Just pick up the knife. Do it. No one loves you.’ And so on and so on. It was horrible. You have to understand why I don’t want to bring it up, why I just want it to disappear. I’m sorry.”
Shaking his head, he looks down at the ground, and I didn’t expect that. I thought he would reach for me, hug me, but he’s not moving. I thought he would understand, get why I hide that part of my life, but it appears he doesn’t. Flabbergasted, I say, “Jace, surely, you get it. Why I wouldn’t want that coming out.”
He looks up, his eyes so dark that they’re scary, and I find myself gasping for breath. “I understand not wanting to tell anyone else, but me? The person you love, or claim to love. Why couldn’t you tell me?” His voice is full of hurt and hardness.
“I do love you,” I wheeze, and I feel like the walls are closing in, his gaze is so hard. “So damn much, but I didn’t want anyone to know about that part of my life.”
He tucks his hands into his pockets, his eyes still holding mine. “I’m not just anyone, Avery. I thought I meant more to you than that. I thought you respected me more than to lie to me.”
I throw my hands up. “I do! And I wouldn’t count that as a lie, Jace. I just held back something horrible ’cause I didn’t think you needed to know. I’m sorry. I really am.”
“But it is something I needed to know. I’d rather hear it from you than my brother. I mean, do you not trust me? I do nothing but support you, help you, and still you hold back.”
“Yes, Jace, I do trust you,” I say, chancing it and taking ahold of his elbows. When he doesn’t flinch or pull back, I’m relieved. “I do, and I’m trying. But that is something that hurts every time I think about it. Caleb tortured me. The things he said, the things he called me… And in the end, when I said, ‘Okay, I’ll do it,’ he said, ‘Good, see ya in hell.’ He didn’t even care. He had no remorse. He didn’t even apologize when it came out. Nothing, and it just hurt, Jace. So damn bad. Because while he didn’t care, neither did my brothers. They called me an attention whore and told my mom I faked the whole thing. But I didn’t. I can still feel the tip of the knife in my skin, dragging down my wrist, and the blood spilling out of me.”
I choke on a sob as I close my eyes, the tears rushing down my cheeks. Swallowing hard, I shake my head. “I don’t want to remember that. I don’t want you
to know that part of me. The weak, pathetic excuse for a person who allowed some dude to break her to the point of ending it. I’m sorry, Jace, I really am. But I promise that’s it. There is nothing else to tell.”
He doesn’t say anything and still doesn’t take me into his arms, which confuses me. Why doesn’t he understand? I just put myself completely out there; I admitted to everything. I open my eyes, locking gazes with him as I wipe away tears. “I don’t know what else to say.”
He swallows, his jaw clenching, and my heart sinks because I don’t understand this look. I don’t understand what is happening or why this is happening. Can’t I catch a fucking break? I find the guy of my dreams, and like usual, it all goes to shit because of my family. Or maybe because of me. Maybe it is my fault. Everything.
“I hate that this has happened to you, Avery, I do. I wish I was the first person you met. I wish I was the one who loved you from the beginning, but I wasn’t. I’m sorry you had to go through that, but that’s not the only thing you’ve lied about, Avery. And it’s killing me that you still aren’t acknowledging it.”
My brows come together as a tear escapes, and I’m surprised it doesn’t freeze to my face, it’s so cold. “What? I didn’t lie about anything else.”
“Seth said your dad ruined Caleb’s career.”
I pause, my face twisting in even more confusion, if that is even possible. “What? No, he didn’t.”
But Jace nods his head before bringing his phone out of his pocket and clicking a few things. He hands it to me, and I take it, looking down at the screen. When I see Caleb’s name, I’m sure my heart is going to burst through my chest and fall to the ground. Jace contacted him? He talked to him? Fucking hell.
Jace Sinclair: Hey dude, don’t know if you remember me, but we played in the Junior Worlds together. I saw your name on another friend’s comments and was wondering what the hell happen to you? Hope all is well. Africa looks badass.
Caleb Rutherford: Hey man! Yeah, I remember, hope all is well with you, dude. I for real just saw a blog post about you. You’re doing big things, dude, that’s awesome!
Jace Sinclair: Thanks man, but what happened to you? I was sure we’d be in the NHL together sooner rather than later.