by Toni Aleo
Caleb Rutherford: Dude, right? I wish! I got involved with this family and shit went bad. I quit the league. Instead of jumping back in, I just said fuck it and left. Guess my heart wasn’t into it.
Jace Sinclair: Got involved?
Caleb Rutherford: Dude, you wouldn’t believe me if I told you but the dad is fucking Benedict Haverbrooke, and I knew that after what happened, I wasn’t going anywhere. Their words, not mine.
Jace Sinclair: Sucks, bro, but listen hit me up if you are ever in Nashville.
Caleb Rutherford: Absolutely, dude, good luck.
When my tears fall onto the screen of his phone, I can’t believe what I’m seeing. What I’m reading. “You contacted him?” I ask, my tears falling faster down my face.
“I had to know the truth.”
I look up then, my lip wobbling as I push his phone into his chest. “I told you the truth. I don’t know what he is talking about, but my dad wouldn’t do that—not for me. He loved Caleb.”
“You may not think your dad loves you, but come on, Avery. With everything that happened, how could he not retaliate?”
“Because he didn’t know!” I scream, my body shaking as my breath whooshes in and out of my body. “No one knew. I didn’t tell them what he did because Matty told me that if I did—” I pause, my throat tight as I shake my head. How do I admit this? How do I tell him this? Looking up, I feel my lip tremble as my tears fall in a rush. “That he’d kill me if Caleb went down for what happened. I believed him and kept my mouth shut.”
Everything hurts, and this is why I didn’t ever want to talk about this. It’s all so embarrassing, such a painful memory, and I hate it. I hate who I was, that I allowed people to do that to me. That I didn’t stand up for myself, tell Matty to stuff it, and bring Caleb down. I let him get away with hurting me, almost killing me, and that’s something I have to live with. But I learned from it, I fought through it, and I’m better now. I am. I’m going to be okay.
But when I see Jace’s face, suddenly, I’m worried I won’t be.
Tears are in his eyes as he slowly shakes his head. “I don’t know, Avery. I hate this, I do, but you have to understand. This is my career, and while I love you and you are everything to me, I’m scared.”
Dropping my bag, I wrap my arms around him, pressing my nose into his chest. “No, you have nothing to be scared of. I won’t let anything happen to you. I promise.”
Taking me by my shoulders, he pulls me back, holding me at arm’s length. The look in his eyes hurts. Physically hurts. My heart, it just stops, breaking into pieces before falling into my gut, dissolving away into nothingness. His jaw clenches, the emotion, the pain, apparent on his face. “Avery, I don’t know if I can believe that. The proof is right here.” He brings his phone back out, the conversation on it taunting me.
“I don’t know what that is because I can promise you, my dad did not do that. He never knew and he loved Caleb, still talked to him after everything.”
But Jace shakes his head. “But yet, Caleb claims he quit ’cause of your dad, your family, and they loved him. They don’t know me. I’m nothing to them. So what does that mean for me?”
“It means nothing because all that matters is us. They don’t matter,” I cry, my tears dripping off my jaw. When his hands drop from my shoulders, I start to cry harder because he isn’t taking me into his arms.
“I don’t know if I can believe that, and that’s what scares me, Avery.”
I move my hand along my cheek, catching my tears. Why is this happening? Why is Caleb lying about my family? Why is he still tormenting me? Damn it. As apprehension fills my body, I know what this means. As much as I don’t want to say it, give it voice, I ask, “So, what? You’re breaking up with me?”
I’m surprised when he shrugs. “I don’t know.”
My face scrunches up, my tears coming faster. “You don’t know?”
He shakes his head. “I don’t. I need time to think. So you go, and we’ll talk when you come back.”
“But how does that make sense?” I shriek, my heart hurting. “Either end it or don’t. Don’t drag me along, letting me think the worst.”
“No, don’t do that,” he barks back at me. “Give me time. You’ve lied, you’ve held back shit. The least you can do is give me time to think.”
I shake my head, because I refuse to be walked all over. “If you want me, stay with me. Forgive me because I’ve apologized. Believe I lied, if that’s what you want to call it. But I did it because of what it did to me. I’m telling the truth about my dad. And Caleb is a lying bastard, I can promise you that,” I hiss out, my tears falling into my mouth as I talk. “But if you don’t want me, if I don’t mean enough to you, and you’re too scared to love me because of some lies from people who don’t even matter, then let me go.”
“That’s not fair,” he seethes, his eyes wild. “I need time. I need to sort through this.”
“Sort through what?”
“The truth!” he yells back, and when a tear rolls down his cheek, I’m done.
I shake my head as I look away. “Do you love me, Jace?”
“Yes. You know I do.”
“Then what is the problem?
“I’m scared, Avery. I can’t lose my career.”
It’s like he’s cutting me. Like he’s the one with the blade now.
Closing my eyes, I don’t know why I even ask the next question. I know the answer—I’ve always known it, yet I need to hear it from his lips. “So hockey is more important than me?”
His eyes are angry. “Don’t do that. Don’t make me choose. That’s not right.”
“Isn’t that what you’re doing? Trying to figure out if I’m worth the risk? When there isn’t even a fucking risk because my dad doesn’t fucking care who I am dating!”
“The proof is right here,” he says, holding his phone up. “Your dad does care, and I don’t know what that means for me.”
“What it means is that you are choosing hockey over me.”
“That’s not what I fucking said. I just need some time. Give me some fucking time!”
“Fine, take all the time you need because I’m breaking up with you.”
Fuck, did I really say that? When his eyes widen, I know I did. Instantly, I regret it, but I refuse to let him know that. I won’t be second fucking best.
“What the fuck, Avery?” he yells, but I know I’m doing the right thing.
Or at least, I think I am.
Lifting my bag, I put it on my shoulder and look at him. “I’ve been second fucking best to that sport my whole life, and I won’t be any longer. I love you, Jace, I do. And this hurts more than I can even explain, but there is nothing else to say.” My voice breaks and tears still trickle down my face. I don’t want this. I don’t want to break up. But damn it, I said I wanted more. I want to be important.
I go to walk around him, but he takes me by my arm, stopping me. “There is plenty to fucking say.”
“No, there isn’t.” I pull my arm from his and reach for my car door. “Good luck to you.”
Despite his protests, I get in, slamming the door and starting my car. I ignore when he starts beating on the window, demanding I get out and talk to him. Because I can’t. I can’t do this to me. I matter too much. I hit reverse as he hobbles back from the car, shaking his head. Without even looking at him, I pull away as my heart breaks even more. I don’t know how that happened. I can only ask why.
But I can’t help myself, and I look in the mirror to see him with his hands on his head, his elbows in the air, and tears in his eyes.
And all I can think is…
This is what true heartbreak feels like.
Jace: Really? Come on, talk to me.
Jace: Don’t be like this.
Jace: Are you really ignoring me? I’ve called you seven times.
Jace: Avery, this isn’t fair. You have to get what I’m saying here. I don’t want to lose you, I love you.
Jace: Come on.
I was trying to be honest.
Jace: You know that thing you have a hard time with.
Jace: Ignore that last message, I’m just pissed. I keep calling. You won’t answer. Just answer me.
Jace: Avery. For real. This is insane.
Jace: I went to your dorm, you aren’t there and you aren’t answering my calls. Are you okay?
Jace: Okay, really? You can text Mekena to tell her to tell me to leave, but you can’t text me?
Jace: I can’t believe you are acting like this. I thought you loved me.
I do. I love him so much I’m surprised I was able to get to Stu’s office and back without crashing my car. The pain I’m feeling is completely indescribable. It hurts. Everywhere. I can’t believe this has happened. My day had started off so well. I was actually okay with going home, but now, I’m so fucking mad and hurt that my brothers better watch out.
I’m out for blood.
And not mine.
Theirs.
Throwing my phone into the bottom of my bag, I turn off my car and pause when it starts to ring.
It’s him.
Again.
Closing my eyes, I lean my head against the steering wheel and let my tears fall onto my legs. I shouldn’t have broken up with him. Maybe I should have given him the time he asked for, but I can’t. I want to be number one. I deserve to be number one, and for the last month, I thought I was his number one. Sitting up, I wipe my face and push the door open, getting out.
“Why can’t you just talk to me?”
Whipping my head to the left, I find Jace coming toward me and I shake my head. “Take a hint, Jace. I don’t want to talk to you.”
I start for my dorm, walking a little faster than I normally would, but I can’t do this. He hurt me. He went behind my back, contacted an ex to catch me in a so-called lie? I didn’t do anything wrong. I know what happened—hell, I’m the only one who knows the damn truth—and he didn’t believe me.
“I love how you’re mad at me when I did nothing wrong. You’re the one who lied.”
“I didn’t lie,” I yell back at him. “I didn’t volunteer it. And I’m not mad, I’m hurt. You broke my heart. Now leave me the hell alone.”
Walking a little faster, I hear him trying to catch up. But bless him, his leg is injured and I feel bad. I wanted to spend the day taking care of him, loving him, before I left. Instead, that all went to shit.
“Are you really gonna make me chase you? My leg is hurt, Avery. Take pity on the disabled.”
He’s trying to be funny. Trying to make me laugh so I’ll talk to him, but no. Just no. “Leave me alone, Jace. You wanted time, you got it.”
“I don’t want time without you. I just wanted to think it through.”
“Good luck with that,” I yell back at him, wrapping my arms around myself to keep warm.
“I don’t get it. I mean, shit, don’t you understand that this is scary? Like, the whole thing. I fell so hard, and after I fell, I find all your dirty laundry. It’s insane.”
“Whatever, Jace. Dirty laundry or not, you said you loved me. Who is the one who’s really lying?”
As I reach the door, I hear him dragging his leg like a zombie. I want to laugh at the hilarity of him hobbling after me, dragging his bum leg, but I can’t. It only makes me cry harder. If he loves me this much, then why is he scared? What the hell is there to be scared of when all we need is each other? He’s right; it isn’t fair.
Running up the stairs because I know he can’t make it up them, I’m out of breath before I reach my room. When I open the door, Mekena is sitting on the bed, a blanket wrapped around her and a book in her lap.
“Avery? Are you okay?” she asks, sitting up, and I slam the door before locking it. I go to walk away, but then I pause, putting the chain on too. Just for good measure. I doubt he’d do something stupid, but no telling. Love brings out the crazy in people.
I know that firsthand.
“No,” I admit, throwing my bag on my bed before going to my closet for my suitcase.
“What happened?”
Before I can answer, a banging comes at the door. “Avery, let me in.”
Shaking my head, I chance a glance at Mekena and her eyes are wide. “What the hell?” she mouths and I shrug.
“We broke up,” I say before angrily throwing things in my bag.
“Um, no. You broke up with me.”
Mekena’s eyes move from the door to me. “You did what?”
I shake my head. “We got into a fight. He says I’m a liar, and he doesn’t know if he wants to date me because he’s scared my dad will ruin his career. So, like always, hockey comes before me.”
When his fist slams against the door, I jump and glare back at the door. “I never said that. Give me a chance to explain myself.”
“They should really use a thicker door,” I say, wiping my face before throwing things in my suitcase.
But Mekena looks worried and she points to the door. “Maybe you should talk before he beats down our door.”
“He can’t stand for long, he hurt his leg. He’ll be gone soon.”
“I’m not going anywhere until you talk to me.”
Annoyed, I go to the door, unlocking it and opening it as far as the chain allows. I take a look at him, and his eyes are wild, he’s sweating, and he looks like shit. I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want this, but what do I do? Just roll over and let the love of the game continue to run my life?
“If you love me, you’ll stop this. Just let me go.”
But he’s shaking his head before I can even finish. “Fuck no, because I love you and this isn’t what I want. I want you. I want to talk.”
“No,” I say simply. “You wanted time. I’m giving it to you.”
“Yes, but I want time with the guarantee you’ll be there.”
“So I’m just supposed to wait it out? Wait for you to break up with me? No, Jace. You want out? Here is your out.”
“I don’t want out,” he roars, slamming his fist into the doorjamb. Flinching in pain, he holds his hand, shaking his head. As he meets my gaze, he whispers, “I love you.”
I swallow hard, the sides of my mouth trembling as I stay locked in his gaze. “I love you too.”
“Then open the door. Let me talk to you, hold you. It doesn’t have to be like this.”
“You should have done that before. Instead, you made me feel like your love for the game was more important than me. That the dude who led me to try to kill myself speaks the truth, rather than me. No, Jace. I need you to leave me alone.”
His jaw clenches as he runs his good hand down his face. “I don’t want to lose you, Avery. I can’t lose you.”
“Then let me go,” I say, my voice breaking before I look away. “Just let me go.”
Shutting the door, I lean my head against it as it vibrates with his banging. His voice holds such desperation as he begs me to let him in. To talk to him. But I just can’t.
I won’t.
I don’t move as he continues to beat on the door. That is, until Mekena comes over, pulling me away and then onto her bed. Covering our heads with the blanket, she wraps her arms around me and smiles. “When life sucks, I like to hide,” she whispers, Jace’s grunts of anger in the distance.
“Yeah,” I say, pulling in a deep breath, my tears falling in streams down my cheeks. “I just can’t be second best anymore.”
“And you don’t have to be,” she whispers, holding me, and I lean into her. We stay like that for a really long time. Neither of us speaks or moves as Jace bangs on the door. Each slam of his fist causes a new round of tears. I want to jump off the bed, hold him, tell him to stop. But that goes against everything I’m fighting for. The need to be important to someone. The craving to matter more than a stick and a puck.
When the banging stops, I look up, even though I can’t see anything since it’s pitch black under the blanket.
“You’re breaking my heart, Avery. Please,” I hear him say. But
I don’t move. “But if you want space, I’ll give it to you. Lead by example, right? I guess, call me, if you want. I really hope you want to. After you’re done being mad at me. I won’t apologize, though, because I don’t need to. I never intended on breaking up with you. I just needed to think it all through. So if that’s a crime, I’m sorry. But fuck, Avery, don’t you realize how much you mean to me? How much I love you? Fuck,” he bellows, slamming something into the door, making us both jump.
When we hear nothing more, Mekena pulls the blanket off our heads and looks at me. “I don’t know the whole story, Av, but that doesn’t sound like someone who’s putting hockey above you.”
My mouth trembles. “I know, but like you said, you don’t know the whole story,” I say sadly, shaking my head before looking back at her. “It hurts knowing that he doubts our relationship, our love, me, believing that my dad would ruin his career. My dad has no pull like that. He can’t even get his own kid in the draft, but he can ruin careers? Jace went behind my back, contacted the douche who broke my heart, and believes him. It’s mind-blowing. Yeah, I held back that I tried to kill myself and all that shit, but come on. I love him and he isn’t listening to that. He only cares about that damn sport, his fucking career. Maybe I’m being a bitch, but when the hell do I matter? How many times am I going to come up short next to it? Am I letting my past fuck with my future? Maybe. But I deserve the best. I’m tired of not being important enough to someone. Especially someone I love the way I love him.”
Her eyes widen, and I immediately realize I said way more than I should have. “Whoa, lots to process there.”
“Yeah,” I say, getting up and pulling my shirt down. “Just ignore it. I’m insane.”
“Avery, no, that’s good. In the last minute, you’ve shared more with me than you have in the six weeks I’ve known you.”
Biting into my lip, I close my eyes. “Sorry. I know that was crazy, but I’m just so hurt.” I fall onto my bed and let the tears go. “I trusted him. Depended on him. And yeah, it’s only been a month or so, but I thought this was real.”
“Don’t give up yet,” she says, getting up and coming over to me. “You’re mad and hurt. I’m sure once you cool off and really analyze everything that happened, you’ll…” She pauses and I glance at her.