That First Special Kiss

by Gina Wilkins

  His frown turned to a scowl. “I’m perfectly capable of handling my responsibilities at the ranch. If you want me to leave, just say so. Don’t make it sound like you’re doing me a favor.”

  She was a little hurt by his sharp tone. Instinctively she took a step back from him. “I didn’t mean...”

  Shane reached out to catch her hand. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you. I’m just...well, it isn’t easy for me to keep pretending. It’s hard enough for me to deceive my family...my dad. My friends. I didn’t even like seeing Cam with his arm around you today, knowing he had no idea you and I are more than pals.”

  Her teeth gripped her lip again. Shane was starting to sound both impatient and possessive. How could they possibly keep this affair quiet if he acted that way? And yet she still panicked every time she thought about telling his family. “I asked for time,” she repeated. “There’s just too much going on for me to deal with right now. My father...Christmas... Maybe we could just sort of postpone this until after the holidays.”

  “‘Postpone this?’” Shane repeated, his eyes narrowing, his voice going ominously quiet. “I’m not a dental appointment that you can simply reschedule for your convenience.”

  She was making a mess of this. Everything she said seemed to make it worse. “I wasn’t trying to insult you. I just—”

  “You still aren’t willing to take a risk on me,” he cut in flatly. “You’re convinced that everything’s going to go wrong between us and that you’re going to be thrown out of the family or something equally ridiculous. Why can’t you trust me that it won’t happen that way?”

  She shook her head stubbornly. Shane was making her fears sound groundless. Foolish, even. She thought he was the one being unreasonable by not acknowledging the very real basis for her concerns. Had he learned nothing from Cameron and Amber? “You can’t know that It’s still too soon to know what will happen between us.”

  “Especially when you keep pulling away without giving us a real chance to find out,” he retorted.

  She crossed her arms over her chest and looked away from him. “It’s just so complicated.”

  “Because you’re making it that way. We’re in some weird limbo—we aren’t exactly family, but we can’t tell anyone we’re lovers. I feel like I’m having an illicit affair, which is crazy, because there’s no reason we shouldn’t see each other openly.”

  Kelly thought again of the pain in Amber’s voice. The regrets in Cameron’s eyes. The discomfort in their friends’ faces when they’d tried to socialize with both of them. “I have my reasons.”

  “And I’m supposed to simply go along with them?”

  She lifted her chin. “Not if you don’t want to. We could go back to the way it was before. Forget any of this ever happened. No one will ever know there was anything between us. Nothing has to change.”

  Shane was staring at her now in open disbelief. “Kelly, everything has already changed. I’m never going to see you as a cousin again. I can’t go back to kissing your cheek and pretending I don’t want a hell of a lot more.”

  She blinked back a film of tears, mourning the loss of that easy, very special friendship. Afraid to risk losing even more.

  Shane reached suddenly for his jacket. “I’d better go, before this ‘discussion’ turns into a quarrel.”

  She watched a muscle jump in his jaw. “You’re angry with me, aren’t you?”

  “I just think it would be better if I leave now.”

  “I don’t blame you for being annoyed. I realize my fears sound unreasonable to you. If we could just talk about it a little longer, I think you’ll understand why...”

  “I think we’ve talked enough tonight. I really need to go now.”

  “Why is it so hard for you to admit when you’re angry? Wouldn’t it be better if we talk about this?”

  She didn’t want him to leave mad. The holiday gatherings were rapidly approaching, and she and Shane would be expected to behave the way they always did. How could they pull that off if they weren’t even speaking?

  “Why don’t we just ‘postpone’ that talk?” Shane shoved an arm into his jacket.

  “Shane, you’re obviously mad at me. Why won’t you admit it? Stay and talk about it?”

  “I’m not mad,” he said from between gritted teeth.

  She was both baffled and exasperated by his behavior. “You have a real problem acknowledging anger, don’t you? Someone once asked me if I’d ever seen you lose your temper, and I said no. Maybe we should...”

  “I do not want to talk about it.” Shane had his coat on now. The look he gave her glittered with the temper he seemed unwilling—or unable—to express. “Why don’t I call you tomorrow, after you cool down?”

  “After I cool down? Shane, you...”

  “Good night, Kelly. Thanks for the chili.”

  She stared at the door that he had closed behind him. “What was that?” she asked the empty room.

  Shane had obviously been angry. Was it only because he was tired of hiding their relationship, or had she done something else to annoy him? How was she supposed to know why he was mad when he wouldn’t even admit that he was?

  She plopped heavily onto her couch, her shoulders sagging. What more proof did Shane need that they were making a mistake? They’d hardly gotten started with this...affair, for lack of a better word...and already they’d had a quarrel. Sort of. He’d already slammed out of her apartment. In a manner of speaking. He was furious with her. At least she thought he was.

  Thank goodness no one else knew about this, she thought. Then mused wistfully that it might have been nice to be able to talk to someone right now.

  Chapter Thirteen

  “Shane, what in blazes is wrong with you today? That’s twice you’ve damned near hit me in the face with your hammer.”

  Sitting back on his heels on the roof of the barn Monday morning, Shane winced. “Sorry, Dad. I guess my mind’s wandering.”

  “I’ll admit reroofing the barn isn’t the most mentally stimulating activity, but it’s got to be done before the worst part of winter sets in. You’re the one who said today would be good for you.”

  “Yeah, it’s as good a day as any. I’ll try to pay closer attention to what I’m doing.”

  “I’d appreciate it. I’d like to have all my teeth for Christmas dinner.”

  Shane reached for another shingle. “We should be able to finish this today at this rate.”

  “Anything you want to talk about?” Jared asked casually.

  There was nothing he would have liked better than to tell his father everything. To talk about how damned frustrating it was for Kelly to keep denying their involvement in front of everyone else. And for her to suggest that they “postpone” their affair until after the holidays... What was that supposed to mean?

  Maybe Jared, having had more experience with women than Shane, could shed some light on Kelly’s strange behavior, but since he was sworn to secrecy, he couldn’t ask for his father’s advice. At least, not specifically, he amended, carefully overlapping two shingles.

  “I’m, um, having trouble with a woman,” he admitted tentatively.

  “Anyone I know?”

  Shane would evade, but he wouldn’t lie. “You know her. But I’d rather not mention her name right now.”

  “Okay. So what’s the problem? Or would you rather not mention that, either?”

  “She and I have been getting, er, close, but I can’t get her to admit it. She won’t even let me tell anyone we’re seeing each other. She’s so convinced that something will go wrong, she’s all but written us off before we’ve even gotten started.”

  “What is she afraid of?” Jared asked without pausing in his work.

  Appreciating the casual way his father was conducting the conversation, Shane kept his eyes focused on his own work as he chose his words. “Being hurt, I suppose. She’s been let down before by people she cared about.”

  Like the father who had abandoned he
r. The grandparents who hadn’t wanted to know her. The mother who had died. Had there been others who had failed to live up to Kelly’s expectations, leaving her so wary of emotional attachments?

  “And does she have reason to fear being hurt? Are your feelings for her the kind that will last?”

  “I...” He cleared his throat. “She hasn’t given us a chance to find out yet.”

  He could have answered more completely. He could have admitted that he was certifiably crazy about Kelly Morrison. But he couldn’t say that, of course. Not to his father. Not even to Kelly. She wasn’t ready to hear it.

  Would she ever be?

  “What are you going to do about it?”

  “Be patient, I guess. Hope she’ll see how foolish she is to be afraid.”

  Jared chuckled wryly, sympathetically. “Patience has never been your strong suit.”

  “No. I’m sure she’s aware of that.”

  “If she knows you well, she is.”

  Something Kelly said had been haunting him. “She says I have an issue with anger.”

  For the first time, Jared paused in his work to look at his son. “She thinks you have a problem with anger?”

  “Yeah. She says I don’t know how to express it.”

  “I see.” Jared stroked his chin. “I’m not sure I’ve ever seen you get really angry. Oh, you’ve gotten mad plenty of times—but never foaming-at-the-mouth furious.”

  Shane shrugged. “So I don’t have much of a temper. That’s a good thing, isn’t it?”

  “Depends on whether you don’t get furious, or whether you feel like you have to repress it, for some reason. I don’t get angry all that often, myself, but I don’t usually try to hide it when I do.”

  Shane had seen his father in full temper on only a few memorable occasions. Jared wasn’t loud when he was mad—he got dangerously quiet, in fact—but he was damned intimidating. And he spared no words expressing his displeasure. Cassie, on the other hand, had a fiery temper that matched her red hair. She believed the level of noise she made should express the degree of her anger. Molly had inherited her mother’s temper.

  Shane got mad sometimes. He simply saw no purpose in wasting time or energy displaying it. He’d been mad as hell at Kelly yesterday—her asinine suggestion that they “postpone” their relationship still made him seethe—but what would have been the point of yelling at her about it?

  “I don’t know why she’s always trying to get me to be mad at someone. You...even herself. It doesn’t make sense.”

  Jared reached for the box of roofing nails. “Are you mad at me?”

  “No, of course not,” Shane answered impatiently. “I told you when we talked about it the other day that I don’t blame you for anything in my childhood. Any anger I felt toward you then was irrational, since you were doing the best you could.”

  “And I told you I know I could have done more—and that I wouldn’t blame you for being mad about it.”

  “What would be the point?”

  “The point would be getting it off your chest. You let anger build up long enough and it’ll eat at you. If you’re having trouble letting it out, maybe you should figure out why that is.”

  “Now you’re starting to sound like...” Shane stopped himself just in time.

  Jared didn’t ask him to fill in the blank.

  Shane slanted a look at his father, wondering if Jared knew more than he was letting on about the identity of the woman they’d been indirectly discussing. “So do you have any advice for me?”

  “Every time I’ve tried to give advice about romance, it’s come back to bite me in the butt,” Jared drawled.

  “You think I should go along with her? Be patient and hope she’ll eventually find the nerve to stop hiding her feelings?”

  “What else can you do? Other than break it off, of course.”

  “No.” Shane wasn’t ready to do that.

  “Then you might try something else you’ve always been very good at.”

  “What’s that?”

  Jared smiled. “Charm and persistence. Cassie’s always said you’d have made a killing as a salesman if you hadn’t wanted to be a rancher.”

  Shane lifted an eyebrow. “You’re suggesting I sell myself to her?”

  His father shrugged. “Isn’t that what courtship is all about?”

  Shane hadn’t thought of it quite that way before. “Yeah, I guess it is.”

  “There you go, then. Now, move down. You’re in my way.”

  Obediently shifting a few feet farther away, Shane thought about his father’s words as they continued to work side by side. Charm and persistence, he thought. He didn’t know about the former, but he’d always had his share of the latter. Looked like it was time to see if that particular trait paid off when it came to exasperatingly stubborn Kelly Morrison.

  Kelly spent Monday at the mall, feverishly shopping for Christmas presents. She was having a hard time getting into the holiday spirit, despite all the decorations and blaring seasonal music, but the outing gave her something to think about other than Shane or her father. She needed that distraction very badly.

  When she returned home late that afternoon, she made herself a cup of spiced cider and stacked the gifts she’d purchased on the dining table. She might as well wrap them, she thought, thinking how pretty they would look beneath her tree. Determined to get into the spirit of the holiday, she loaded her CD changer with her three very favorite Christmas CDs—Vince Gill, John Berry and Sawyer Brown—set it on random play and lit a couple of cinnamon-scented candles. And then she pulled out paper and ribbon and tape and bows, humming along with the familiar music as she set to work.

  She wished she had her kitten, she mused, thinking how much fun it would be to watch the little white-and-gray fur ball playing with the ribbons and paper. Shane had said it would be ready to leave its mother just after the first of the year. Kelly would enjoy the company.

  She had just set the first wrapped gift under the tree when her doorbell rang. Her heart promptly missed a beat. Would she and Shane have another of those painful nonfights? Or would he be ready to talk now, to listen to her reasons for the requests she’d made of him?

  But it wasn’t Shane at her door. Instead, she found a young woman in a bright red uniform, bearing an enormous arrangement of red-and-white roses mixed with greenery and delicate baby’s breath. Kelly gasped. “Oh, how lovely.”

  “Kelly Morrison?” the young woman asked with a perky smile.

  “Yes.”

  The woman handed her the flowers. “Enjoy”

  She was gone before Kelly could even say, “Thank you.”

  The sweet scent of roses mingled deliciously with the cinnamon candles as Kelly carried the arrangement to the table. She pulled out the card that had been tucked among the blooms, though she already knew whose name she would find there. But the card didn’t bear a name at all. “From your secret admirer,” it said instead. “With love.”

  Of course she knew who had sent the flowers. What she didn’t know was exactly what the gesture meant. Was this Shane’s way of apologizing for the way they’d parted the evening before? Was the cryptic message a signal that he was willing to continue going along with her request to keep their affair a secret? And he’d signed it “With love.” Had he used those words only in the generic sense—or should she read more into them than that?

  Even when he did something as traditional as sending flowers, Shane could still confuse and unsettle her. Was this the way love was supposed to feel? So uncertain? So complicated? So terrifying?

  She would have liked to talk to someone who’d been there. Her fingers almost itched to dial Brynn’s number. But what would she say? She couldn’t even talk indirectly about her feelings without Brynn wheedling the truth from her. And even though she knew she was being a coward and unfair to Shane, she still couldn’t make herself say the words. Entirely too much was at risk, she thought again.

  If only she could be more confident ab
out Shane’s feelings for her. It had all happened so quickly—almost impulsively. What if he was mistaking affection for something more? What if he’d confused passing infatuation for deeper emotions? Physical attraction for lasting commitment?

  She could still remember the startled look in his eyes after their first kiss. In the more than a year that had passed since their first meeting, had he never once until that kiss considered there could be more between them than friendship? Shouldn’t that tell them something—that maybe they should think twice about this? That maybe they, like Cameron and Amber, had never been meant to be more than friends?

  She closed her eyes and was instantly transported back to that night in his arms. She could feel his lips moving against hers, his hands on her skin, his legs entwined with hers. Just friends? She might have laughed, had she been able to find any humor in the situation. But it seemed to her that she was much more likely to find only heartache.

  Joe Walker set up the meeting between Kelly and her father for Thursday at noon. It was Kelly who had insisted on a public meeting place. She didn’t know this man, she reminded Joe. She didn’t want to try to make conversation with him alone in her apartment.

  They selected a popular Southwestern restaurant in west Dallas. They would meet for lunch and conversation, just the two of them. Joe assured Kelly that her father expected nothing from her after that. Just lunch. Kelly thought she could handle that.

  “You’re sure you’re okay doing this alone?” Shane asked her over the telephone Wednesday evening. “You don’t need anyone there with you?”

  “No. I can handle this. It will be easier since it’s to be held in a public place. All I have to do is have lunch with him, ask my questions and then we can part politely at the restaurant door.”

  “You make it sound as if you aren’t expecting to see him again after tomorrow.”

  “It’s been sixteen years since our last meeting. I won’t hold my breath until the next one.”

  “Kelly, do you want to do this?” he asked quietly.

  She held the telephone close to her mouth and spoke softly in return. “No. But I think I have to.”