by Michael Fry
‘Wait,’ said Molly into my earpiece. ‘Why do Squidbots need plumbing?’
Game over. Again.
‘I don’t understand the point of this game,’ said Molly.
‘To have FUN!’ I screamed.
‘Nick, what are you doing?’ asked Mum from behind me.
I wheeled around as I tried to casually slip off my headset.
I shrugged. ‘Nothing.’
Mum hit me with her brain-penetrating laser stare. ‘Uh-uh. Kids who almost burn the house down lose the right to shrug and say, “Nothing.” And the right to play video games.’
Busted.
‘What’s going on with you? A mac ’n’ cheese fire? A note from Dr Daniels that says you’re refusing to show your work?’
‘I just … there’s a lot … It’s fine. I can handle it.’
‘Like you handled Memaw?’
‘I got distracted by …’ I noticed a suitcase backpack by the door. It looked really familiar. ‘Are you going somewhere?’
‘No. That’s your new roller backpack. No more bruised shoulders.’
I knew I’d seen it before. ‘No!’ I cried. ‘That’s just like Karl’s. I can’t be seen with—’
‘Hey, I’ll let you in on a little secret, buster. …
‘Now we’re going to have to hire someone we can’t afford to look after Memaw.’
‘Don’t worry about me!’ yelled Memaw from downstairs. ‘I’ll just eat pizza crumbs out of the recliner.’
Mum rubbed her forehead. ‘I have no idea who we can get to help her at such short notice.’
Help her? Helper! WAIT! That’s it!
‘A helper monkey!’ I cried.
Mum put her hand on my forehead. ‘Do you have a fever?’
‘No. Karl’s mum works for this place that trains monkeys to help people who can’t do stuff. And it’s free!’ I reached for my phone. ‘It’s called the Monkey See and Do Centre. Here, I’ll show you the website.’
Mum pulled her hand back. ‘There’s no way—’
‘I like monkeys!’ yelled Memaw from downstairs.
Mum yelled back, ‘You don’t have a vote on this!’
‘Hey, I’m the one with the broken butt!’ yelled Memaw. ‘And I like my chances of survival better with the monkey.’
I pointed at my phone. ‘It can’t hurt to look, right?’
Mum looked at me, then at the door, then back at me. ‘You said it’s free?’
Memaw yelled, ‘Free is your mum’s favourite four-letter word. She’d go for a helper zombie if it were free and mopped floors and cleaned toilets.’
‘Quiet, Mother! No monkey, and that’s final!’ shouted Mum.
‘We’ll see!’ yelled Memaw.
It was a text from Molly.
Molly: You still there? Check on Karl again?
‘Give me that,’ said Mum. ‘Maybe two weeks without it will clear up your confusion about what’s important around here.’
‘But …’
Mum’s eyes narrowed. I handed her the phone.
‘Is there something wrong with Karl?’ asked Mum.
Other than some freaky masked kid calling him Your Awesomeness and making him some sort of king?
‘No,’ I said to Mum. ‘Karl’s fine.’
CHAPTER 13
The next morning before school, Molly and I stood in front of my locker.
Molly pointed at my new roller backpack. ‘That looks just like—’
‘I don’t want to talk about it,’ I said. ‘What are we going to do about Karl?’
‘What can we do?’ asked Molly. ‘If he Karl-ifies everything, everyone in the school will hate him.’
‘We have to save him from himself.’
‘Save who?’ said Becky and Simone as they walked up.
Simone spotted my freakish backpack. ‘I like it. It’s fashion backwards. Just like Karl’s.’
I gritted my teeth.
‘Is it Karl we’re saving?’ said Becky. ‘He stopped me in the hall and asked me what I thought about the cafeteria changing to an all vegan menu.’
Molly and I looked at each other. We nodded. Then we told them everything.
‘The school will revolt!’ cried Simone.
‘I get it,’ I said. ‘I agree. We have to rescue Karl from MLEZ.’
‘But how?’ asked Molly.
‘Just talk him out of it,’ said Becky.
I shook my head. ‘“Oh, hey, Karl. You know, you’re really not cut out to lead a super-secret group that sort of controls the school. We think you’d be happier getting hung by your pants from a coat hook.”’
‘Well, not like that,’ said Becky.
‘We could rat out MLEZ,’ said Simone.
I said, ‘With what evidence? A kid we don’t know in an Emily Dickinson mask who might be part of a secret group that controls the school wants to put Karl in charge? Of EVERYTHING?’
‘We’ll think of something,’ said Molly. ‘Class is about to start. We’ve gotta go.’
I was about to follow when I heard the voice of my ex-bully and locker-stuffer-in-er behind me.
‘Dude! Help me out!’
‘Roy?’
I turned around. Roy was walking up to me. Down the hall stood his Future Inmates of America posse.
Roy said. ‘You see Dougie back there? The stupid one?’
That didn’t really narrow it down.
‘He’s challenging me to a prank-off, and I need your help.’
‘A prank-off?’ I asked.
‘Whoever pulls the biggest, baddest stunt gets to be leader.’
‘What do you want me to do about it?’
Roy pointed at my locker.
‘Seriously?’
‘I’ll owe ya.’
‘Big time!’
‘Whatever. Just make it look good.’
I rolled my eyes as I put my hands up. ‘Dude! Please! Don’t shove me into my locker!’
‘Shut up, loser! You’re going in!’ yelled Roy.
I fake-struggled while Roy fake-shoved me into my locker and slammed the door.
I listened to Roy say, ‘What do you have to say now, Dougie? You think you can top this? Just try and find your own tiny kid to stuff into a locker. This one’s mine!’
Gee thanks, Roy.
As I waited to get out, I felt something digging into my back. I reached behind and …
What’s Doris doing in my locker? I didn’t put her here. That means someone else did. Someone who wanted me to find it. Or someone who wanted Mr Dupree to see me find it – and think I took it!
‘Someone is trying to set me up!’ I said out loud.
But who? Wait. MLEZ? Sure, they’ve done strange stuff like this before, but it’s always been to help me. Doris in my locker does not help me!
‘Nick! Are you in there again?’ said Mr Dupree from the hall.
Did you know when you scream really loud in your head it still seriously hurts? A lot.
I had about three seconds before Mr Dupree opened my locker.
‘Just a second! I’m not decent!’ I said as I furiously stuffed Doris into my backpack.
Mr Dupree said, ‘You’re not what?’
I barely got Doris stowed before Mr Dupree opened the locker.
He stared at me. ‘Not decent?’
I stared at my shoes. ‘I farted.’
Mr Dupree groaned, then waved his hand in the air. ‘Come on. You know the drill.’
He helped me out and we started walking down the hall to Dr Daniels’s office. Mr Dupree shook his head and said, ‘You haven’t seen Doris, have you?’
‘No,’ I lied.
‘Keep looking. Sooner or later whoever took her will slip up.’
CHAPTER 14
When I got to the office, I had to wait for Dr Daniels. I reached in my pocket to text Molly that I’d found Doris when …
Dr Daniels walked up. ‘Nick! Exactly who I wanted to see.’
I said, ‘You want to see me?’
&nbs
p; ‘I … ah … umm …’
I guess my question confused her.
I don’t know if Dr Daniels was ever a cat groomer, but I bet she’d be good at it.
It took her a few seconds to figure out an answer. ‘Well, I can’t help you if I don’t see you. Now can I?’
Great. She’s not giving up on me. Sorry, cats.
‘Anyway,’ she said. ‘I have amazing news! You can’t show your work!’
‘I know,’ I said.
‘No, I mean, your brain doesn’t work like everyone else’s.’
Memaw’s been saying that forever.
‘You’re a visual-spatial learner! Isn’t that great!’
‘Huh?’
‘I was talking about you with some colleagues. One suggested I look into VS learning.’
‘Talking about me?’
‘I’ve set you up with a learning specialist to help you before school. She’ll get you showing your work in no time! Aren’t you excited?’
Not really.
CHAPTER 15
I had a lot of things on my mind when I got home after school. How were we going to save Karl from himself? Was it really MLEZ that planted Doris in my locker? Was MLEZ trying to set me up because we were getting close to figuring out who it was? Does MLEZ hate me now? How do I give Doris back to Mr Dupree without him thinking I took her in the first place?
The one thing I didn’t have on my mind was …
… getting freaked out by a screaming monkey.
I said, ‘But Mum said no monkey!’
‘Sometimes your mother needs a little push to know what she wants.’
‘You mean, what you want?’
‘Bob’s a spider monkey,’ said Memaw. ‘He’s from the rain forests in South America. Isn’t he cute?’
Annoying is a better word.
‘ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!’ said Mum from behind me.
‘No! He is not!’ answered Mum.
‘He does dishes,’ cooed Memaw.
‘He hoovers,’ said Memaw.
Mum said, ‘I WILL NOT HAVE A MONKEY IN THIS— Wait. What’s he doing?’
Bob was doing the one thing my mother couldn’t handle.
‘He’s crying,’ said Mum. ‘Stop crying! Make him stop crying!’
Memaw opened a booklet in her lap. ‘I don’t know that command. Wait. Here it is. It’s … Stay.’
Mum threw her arms up. ‘Fine. Keep him. But if I find even one monkey hair in my meat loaf, he’s gone!’
Even though Bob was seriously creepy, he was going to help Memaw and free me up to deal with my own problems.
Maybe things were looking up – at least at home. It gave me hope that things might go better at school tomorrow.
CHAPTER 16
Despite what my annoying imaginary superhero said, I kept hope alive – all through the evening, into the next morning, and right up until before school when I met Ms Kapezki, my volunteer visual-spatial-learning specialist.
Ms Kapezki stared at me. ‘Why aren’t you excited?’
‘Um, I’m excited,’ I lied.
Then she flashed a smile so blinding, it could have been seen from space.
Ms Kapezki dropped her enormous handbag onto the desk. She reached her whole arm in and pulled out a stack of flash cards that looked like a unicorn had thrown up on them.
She flashed another blinding smile. ‘Let’s get started.’
She dove back into the bag and came out with one of those crazy scary-eyed dolls drowning in ribbons and bows. ‘Now, sweet pea, I hear you’re quite the little maths tutor, so I want you to show Brynleigh Anne here how you did the problem.’
‘Huh?’ I said.
‘Tell her, you silly goose!’
‘Two times seven equals fourteen,’ I said.
‘No, sugar plum. The answer in your silly old strange head!’
‘I see the times tables.’
Ms Kapezki cheered. ‘That’s SO awesome! Isn’t that awesome? I think it’s awesome. Please tell me you think it’s awesome.’
I nodded. ‘It’s awesome.’
‘YEAH! Now, lollipop, how are we going to get that picture in your head on the paper?’
I had no idea. I just hoped it didn’t involve her saying awesome again.
‘What if we do something super silly and solve the problem backwards?’
‘O-kay?’
‘Write down what’s the reverse of two times seven equals fourteen.’
I wrote down:
‘Perfect! So how do we get 2x=14 to look like x=14/2?
I said, ‘You divide both sides by two.’
‘And x equals?’
‘I already told you. Seven!’
She pointed at the paper. ‘Sweetie, you just showed your work.’
I showed my work? Wait. What?
I stared at the paper. Yes, there was actual work on the paper. But the truth was, I didn’t so much show my work as I slowed my work.
‘See? Easy Kapezki! Next time we’ll try a harder problem.’
When we were finished, she gathered all her stuff and walked to the door. ‘Bye, sweetie!’ She flashed yet another blinding smile. Great. I’d be seeing spots for the rest of the day.
‘Nick!’
I squinted. Becky was at the door. Behind the spots.
‘We were going to talk to Karl,’ said Becky. ‘But he ran into the second-floor boys’ toilets. You have to get him out before school starts.’
I said, ‘Why can’t you get him out?’
‘We’re not going in there!’
‘It’s just Karl!’
‘It’s gross!’
‘It’s the same as your toilets.’
‘No. It’s not.’
Okay. Maybe not.
CHAPTER 17
Molly and Simone were waiting outside the toilets.
‘We don’t have a lot of time before the bell rings,’ said Molly. ‘You need to hurry and get Karl out of the toilets now!’
The words hurry, Karl, and toilets, do not belong in the same sentence.
I said, ‘What’s the rush?’
That was enough convincing for me. I pushed myself into the toilets.’Karl?’
‘Present,’ said Karl from inside one of the cubicles.
I said, ‘Hey, the girls and I need to talk to you before school starts.’
Karl said, ‘Sure. Just give me a second.’
I said, ‘No, we need to talk right now.’
‘I know you’ve been following me.’
‘What?’
‘I’ve never had anyone follow me around before. It’s sort of like I’m leading a really short parade except nobody’s watching and there’re no fat guys in silly hats driving tiny cars.’
‘Um …’
‘And I know you and everyone in Safety Patrol know about “Your Awesomeness”.’
‘You do?’
‘At first I was excited about it. Nobody has ever asked me to be in charge of anything. I mean, this is my chance to really help kids in this school. It feels good. Like in NanoNerd #51 when the Dwarf-Sloths of Ruptkis 12 made NanoNerd their ruler.
‘Then I thought maybe it wasn’t such a good idea because everyone might think I’d be a bad leader ’cause I could make everyone eat Tofu Tots. But then I wondered, ‘Who doesn’t like Tofu Tots?”
I started to raise my hand.
‘We’re waiting!’ yelled Molly from outside the bathroom door.
I went over to the sinks and turned on a tap to speed things up.
‘I made some at home. They’re in my backpack. Try one,’ said Karl.
Not in this lifetime.
Karl continued, ‘Anyway, I thought if I’m in charge of MLEZ, maybe I could change things.’
‘What things?’ I said.
‘But before I do any of that,’ said Karl, ‘there’s something very important I need to do first.’
What? Tattoo ‘Mock Me’ on your forehead?
‘You know Humpty Dumpty didn’t fall, right?’
/>
Huh?
‘He was pushed. The nursery rhyme covered it up. It was no accident. Someone didn’t want Humpty on that wall.’
Okay. Where’s he going with this?
‘I feel like Humpty up on that wall. I want to be up there. It’s my chance to show everyone I’m not afraid of heights anymore. But there’s always someone who wants to knock me off. They want me down on the ground with all the king’s horses and all the king’s men.’
I was officially lost.
‘I need help up on the wall. I need someone to watch my back. Someone like you or Molly.’
I said, ‘Watch your back?’
‘I want you and Molly to join me in MLEZ.’
Wait. What?
He wasn’t supposed to say that! He was supposed to make it easy for us to help him by talking him out of running the school. But now he wants us to help him by actually helping him run the school?
He’s so INCONSIDERATE!
Before I could figure out what to do, Karl said, ‘Why is there water coming into the cubicles?’
I looked down. I was standing in a puddle. I turned to the sinks. One of them was overflowing!
I tried to turn off the tap, but it wouldn’t turn off. Someone had messed with it and clogged the sink with …