by C A A Allen
“I call B.S.” Bella looks at Hans with an unrelenting stare. “That same error message appeared when he joined me for our first run. It should say evil and butt ugly.”
“Shows how much you know, Bella.” Hans fastens the clasp of his cloak. Clerics can’t be aligned evil. I’m as good as the day is long.”
“Good and terrible.” Bella lowers the sword.
TASK COMPLETE: Assemble a party at Chittor.
For completing the task you earned 250 experience points! Complete additional tasks and kill monsters to earn more.
“I just got experience points,” I say excitedly. “Two hounded and fifty of them.” I’m already on my way to level three.
Bella dips the sword my direction. “I hope this blade isn’t cursed.”
“Cursed?” I take the handle and slide the blade down into a newly formed sheath.
NEW PRIMARY WEAPON: Sword (Normal)
Damage: 1-6.
Range: N/A.
Frequency: Common.
Quality: Defective.
Shortsword: Melee Weapon Attack: Piercing damage.
“The quality is tagged as defective.” I adjust my belt and stand tall. “But it can’t be that bad. It felt way to good when I swung it around.” I look over the tavern with a new confidence. “Jareth Goblinmasher finally has a real weapon.”
CHAPTER 8
33:48:52 hours until DCQ server shut down.
Bella takes a few heavy steps away from the bar and turns back to me. “I know you’re happy about your new toy, but please quit your daydreaming. Don’t forget, we’re on a countdown to death. Let’s go talk strategy.”
The three of us navigate to the back of the tavern. We duck into a small dark booth with tall mahogany partitions and a single candle burning in the middle of the table.
Bella slams a fist down. “This is what I know. We have less than a day and a half to kill the goblin and ride the portal behind him back home. We need to arrive at the chamber with at least four party members alive, and one of us needs to be at level five or higher. With those requirements in place we use Hawkwinds cadence to take down the force shield, awaken the goblin, and get the ‘password, flee, or fight message’. That’s where your expertise comes into play, Mr. Level Ten,” she turns to me. “How do we proceed from that point?”
That’s the million-dollar Blizivision Studios cash prize question. This was my moment to shine. “Well, before we even get there, we’ll need a pair of Bombardment Boots to kick down the door. I’ve been able to find them in Cittadella.” I push the candle away and rest both elbows on the table. “Once in, I will need to land multiple blows to the goblin’s weak spot. The good news is I know where that weak spot is. The bad news is I don’t have the weapon needed to exploit it. I don’t even know what weapon is needed.”
Bella clasps her hands. “A completed Keris of Knaud might kill the goblin. Supernatural power and extraordinary ability, remember? We just need to find the other two parts.”
“What is a Keris of Knaud?” Hans asks. “Some kind of legendary sword?”
“Not a sword, a dagger.” I pull the handle from my bag and lay it on the table. “Bella, I know you say this will be special when complete, but there’s no way I’m taking on the goblin with such a small blade. I’ve engaged the beast with some of the best weapons DCQ has to offer. The Vania Spear Whip, The Wakkablitz Blade, and even The Saber de Chaos. They all snapped like twigs upon impact. What evidence do you have that a completed Keris will do the deed?”
Bella looks around and lowers her voice. “A rumor table I paid up for before my first run had the information. Once the Keris is completed, I’m confident it will do the job.”
Hans chuckles and falls back in his seat. “She believes a rumor table. Oh, that’s rich.”
If the dagger was on the rumor table—even if the information was false—that was evidence enough for me to place a bit more hope in it. I pull the map from my back pocket, unfold it, and lay it flat in front of us. “Putting our life at risk on rumor table fodder is a bit of a long shot, but I do have this.” I tap a finger on the map and slide it toward Bella. “This will guide us to the other two dagger parts. I got it from the developer in my level nine package.”
“A map from the developer?” Bella holds it down at both ends and peers at it, eyes wide. “If these marks show exactly where the sampir and taguban are located, we can complete the Keris and kill the goblin. We’d be golden!” She lifts her gaze to mine and her next words come out breathless, disbelieving. “We can really do this.”
Hans snatches the map, holds it up and stares at it. “These marks are located far off the main road. They almost look out-of-bounds. Who knows if we’ll even be able to access these areas? Not to mention there’s probably some big monster boss guarding them.”
I pinch the map, pulling it away from Hans, then fold it and return it to my pocket. “There’s another problem. A black poison smoke fills the chamber every time I get a critical hit on the goblin. Even if I kill it, the smoke will send us all to the graveyard.”
I pick up the Keris handle and look it over. “My theory is that the chamber password stops the smoke. I thought the password was going to be engraved on this pommel.”
“We can figure out the smoke part along the way,” Bella says. “For now, we need to get on our grind.”
Hans raises his hand. “I got a question. Bella and I are at level three and you are at level two. How is one of us going to reach level five in just a day and a half? In order to level up that quickly, we’ll have to rack up an unprecedented amount of experience points. We don’t have the time or firepower to pull that off.”
I groan. “Good point, Hans.” I need to stop analyzing this game as though I have my fully-healed Jareth Goblinmasher character at my fingertips. Jareth is now me. And his statistics reflect that unfortunate combination.
My abilities number is good, but I’m not going to kill too many difficult monsters with my current arsenal—a kitchen knife and a defective sword. “Do experience points work any differently here in the live game?” I ask.
“We can pull this off,” Bella insists. “I have a plan. Just like in the game, all surviving members of combat receive experience points. The amount we get depends on the difficulty of the combat. All we need to do is grind on one or two high level monsters that dole out heavy experience, like an earth giant, or maybe a few of the undead. I know several spots where creatures like that consistently spawn.”
“Ha.” Hans puts a hand on his chest and crashes back in his seat. “Now she wants to take on giants and the undead. Great. We’re all burnt Streuselkuchen for sure.”
“You’re a cleric.” Bella points her finger in Hans’s face. “You have the ability to dispel the undead. Skeletons, zombies, and hags shouldn’t be a problem for you.”
Hans leans forward. “Shows how much you know. Experience points are not awarded for monsters you dispel. And I have yet to effectively dispel a freaking hag. The percentage chance that a dispel will work is dismal in general.” His voice rises with every disheartening piece of information, as though he relishes crushing our hopes. “Riff, your little quester girl is going to get us killed before we even reach the West Labyrinth.”
A few heads turn our way. “Quiet down,” I say. “The bottom line is we are going to have to speed grind like our lives depend on it. Because they do.”
Hans clasps his fingers, looks up at the ceiling, and then at me. “We’re going to have to do what? There is no such thing as a speed grind. It’s not a thing. A grind is a freaking grind. I’ll see you in the courtyard.” He stands up and walks toward the tavern’s exit.
Bella looks at me with a slight smile. “Speed grind? That’s an oxymoron, you know.”
I hold out both hands and shrug. “So, let’s make it a thing?”
* * *
Outside the tavern, we step into the courtyard. The sun has passed its peak and is heading toward the opposite horizon. The training grounds are active with train
ers and trainees. One young man has a large crowd watching him. He thrust and parries a wooden sword into several hanging dummies, grunting every time.
A girl with brown hair and skull tattoos has her arms wrapped around Hans. She gazes into his eyes as they hold each other close.
Bella nudges me with an elbow. “NPC love.” Her eyes narrow at the couple. “Pathetic.”
Hans takes the girl’s hand and waves to a nearby group of five hooded men. He puffs out his chest as they gather around him. “I’m going back into the valley for a quest.”
The brunette breaks away from his grip. “No!” She gasps, pointing at Bella and shaking her finger. “I won’t let you go with her, again. She almost got you killed last time.” The girl wraps her arms around Hans’s waist. “Don’t do it. Stay with me.”
Hans nudges her away and raises his palms. “I’m a cleric, so I must quest. These people need my help desperately.”
The girl drops to her knees, clutching one of his legs. “Please, I love you.”
Hans runs his fingers through the girl’s hair and looks at me. “I need a moment to handle this. I will catch up with you in the marketplace.”
The brunette buries her head into Hans’s groin. “Don’t go with that incompetent wench.”
Wow. Hans really has some fans up in here.
Bella shakes her head. “You’re going to need some provisions, Riff. I know a good spot.”
We walk through an area with several small booths. Noisy groups of people wander between them talking, gesturing, and negotiating.
A young man in a knee-length tunic walks by us with a tray of wooden bowls containing various dry greens. “Spicers special,” he calls out. “Herbs to cure many a myriad condition.”
I look over his tray as he passes, wondering if any of that stuff works.
The strong smell of fish wafts from a stall with glistening meat in wet hay-filled crates. I stop to take a look and get pulled away by Bella. “Trust me, you don’t want any of that nasty Gooberfish.”
When feeding my virtual character Jareth, I always got what was cheapest. But now that my taste buds are actually going to encounter these provisions, I wish I had just a bit more coin.
We walk past a few more booths and stop in front of a small one with a patchwork fabric roof and wood counter. Torches, ropes, shields, and several swords line shelves or hang from ropes stretching across the back width of the canopy. Loaded sacks are piled up on the ground, and a large barrel in one corner overflows with red apples.
A smiling dwarf waddles up the steps of a small stage behind the counter. “I have all the equipment you need for adventuring.” He looks down at my sword and scrunches his face. “I wouldn’t fight a vorpal bunny with that steel. You look like a high-level fighter. Let me fix you up with a Were Slayer. Only nine thousand gold coins for you.”
VIEW CATLOB’S TRADING POST MENU: Yes/No?
These menus are so cool. I focus on the yes.
CATLOB’S TRADING POST MENU: Ten Silver Pennies (SP) = One Gold Coin (GC)
Tinder Box (Flint & Steel) - 5SP
Torch (6) - 1SP
Flask of Oil - 2SP
Lantern - 1GC
Sack of Wheat (2) - 1SP
Apple (5) - 1SP
Single Day Ration - 1SP
Wine (One Quart) - 3SP
Enchanted Paper Dragon - 1SP
Small Sack - 1SP
Large Sack - 3SP
Small Backpack - 5SP
Large Backpack - 8SP
Heavylessness Bag - 5GC
Water Skin - 1SP
Rope (50’ Length) - 1SP
Mirror (Hand Sized) - 5SP
Thieves Tools - 3GC
Holy Symbol - 3GC
Huo-Yau (Sack) - 300GC
Small Shield - 10GC
Large Shield - 30GC
Helmet - 20GC
Gauntlets - 25GC
Robe - 3GC
Leather Armor - 20GC
Chain Mail - 40GC
Plate mail - 60GC
Sling w/25 Stones - 2GC
Spear - 3GC
Club - 1GC
Hammer - 5GC
Hand Axe - 4GC
Quiver (15 Arrows) - 5GC
Dagger - 5GC
Staff - 2GC
Poleaxe - 10GC
Mace - 5GC
Short Bow - 25GC
Light Flail - 10GC
Short Sword - 10GC
Heavy Flail (Two-handed) - 20GC
Long Sword - 15GC
Pootang Whip (LVL6) - Error
Were Slayer - 9000GC
Blade Viridian (LVL8) - 1500 GC
I’m familiar with most of these items. Wait, does that say Blade Viridian? So, they do exist. I gotta get my hands on it.
I will the menu away and scan the merchandise for the blade. An ornate two-handed saber rests in a single tier stand on the shop’s top shelf. Unlike my plain sword, this one has mirror polish with a blue-green tinge, and an expressive swirl pattern engraved on the hilt and blade. “How much for that one?”
“Aah.” The dwarf raises his eyebrows. “You have a keen eye. Cost for the Blade Viridian is fifteen hundred gold. Note that you must be at level eight or higher to equip with it.”
If only I had the bankroll from my character back home.
“Actually,” I sigh, “I am just here for some basics today.”
“Pick up rations for the whole party, just in case.” Bella says. “I can produce fire with my magic, so no need for a Tinder Box.”
“Okay. Give me the small lantern,” I direct the merchant, “a flask of oil, a water skin, eleven days’ rations, and a backpack.” I point to a small pack hanging from a rope between several paper dragons. “The one right there will work. What’s with those origami dragons?”
The dwarf pulls down the small pack with a hooked pole. “A wizard makes them for me out of enchanted parchment. Just one penny for the toy, how many would you like?”
“Add a purple one to my order.”
“The color of kings. Yes, sir.” He hooks one of the dragons and maneuvers it over to my hand. “It’s yours.”
I take the paper toy and look to the training grounds. The little kick-butt quester girl that was so disappointed by Hans’s disappearing dragon is running around a circle of kids sitting in the dirt. She is armed with a small sword, and her pigtails bounce up and down as she spins, stabs, and thrusts the weapon between them with crisp precision. “Hey, hey, little girl!” I wave a hand. “We got something for you over here.”
The little girl stops, sheathes her sword, and points to her chest.
“Yeah.” Bella waves her over. “Come here. You’re gonna like this.”
The girl glances around, as though to check for some sort of trick. But then her curiosity gets the best of her and she runs up to us, arriving out of breath. “Hey, I’m Harleen.”
I set the paper dragon in her hand. “Don’t mind that evil cleric from the tavern. This is for you.”
Bella points to the dragon and says, “Educ ad vitma.” Purple glitter puffs out of her finger and cascades over the toy.
The dragon flaps its wings and flies up to the little girl’s shoulder.
“I love it.” She smiles from ear to ear. “Thank you.” She runs back to the training grounds, eliciting an explosion of squeals as her friends surround her.
“Why did you do that?” Hans steps around the booth’s corner. “She’s just a stupid NPC kid, hardly a quester that could ever help us. That coinage would be better spent on something that could aid us on our run.”
“The quester who ignores the NPCs never fully plays the game.” Bella says, folding her arms. I like her spunk. And her appreciation of the DCQ world.
The merchant dwarf pulls the drawstrings of my now-loaded pack closed and drops it on the counter. “Your order is ready. Three gold is the cost.”
I flick three gold coins to him and toss the pack on my back. “Are you sure you’re not aligned evil, Hans? I mean, weren’
t you just hugged up on an NPC in the courtyard? I’d like to know what she could help us with.”
I let the statement hang just long enough for him to open his mouth with what I assume would be some annoying retort, then I cut him off. “Let’s go.”
One by one, the transparent boxes flash in my vision.
SUBTRACT: 3 gold coins to Catlob Whaley. New gold coin balance: 5
ADD POSSESSION: Small Backpack (-5 Pennies)
Holds up to four hundred coins.
ADD POSSESSION: Flask of Oil (-2 Pennies)
Provides light for four hours.
ADD POSSESSION: Lantern (-1 Gold)
Cast light thirty feet in all directions.
ADD POSSESSION: (11) Single Days Rations (-11 Pennies)
Unpreserved food for one day.
ADD POSSESSION: Water Skin (-1 Penny)
Holds enough water for one day.
As we walk across Center Square, I see a man sitting on the ground talking to the goats. “You think that guy can really communicate with animals?” I hadn’t seen that in the game before.
“Nope.” Bella chuckles. “He’s just crazy as a shambler. He also happens to be a member of our party that you hired. Do we have to stop and get him?”
Is that Biff, our Ninja? Oh man, it is. “Hey, Biff.” I hold out a hand and pull him up, trying not to gag at the waft of goat stench. I’m not sure if it’s coming from the animals or his clothing. “Are you ready to quest with the best?”
He stumbles and nearly pulls me down with him before he plants his peg leg firmly on the ground. He picks up a small pack and secures it to his back. “I am all packed and can’t wait to reach the next town.”
Hans shakes his head. “Please tell me you didn’t hire Hong Kong Phooey. I don’t mean to rain, piss, break your crayons, or pop your balloons, but this man sucks.”
Biff pounds his chest, hocks, and spits a loogie to the ground, an inch shy of Hans’s boot. “Clerics say a lot, but only fight a little. We’ll see who sucks when it’s time to do battle.” He moves in close to my ear and whispers. “Drunken kung fu is all about cold-blooded attacks and colossal evasions. Rest assured, you made an excellent choice in hiring me.”