Tremble

by Alison Foster

  “I am a lawyer,” she screams. “I’m a tiger lawyer!”

  I laugh because nobody can embarrass themselves like Jules.

  “He’s looking,” Jules says, staring at the guy like a deer in headlights.

  “Stop staring at him,” I advise.

  “He’s coming,” she says, panicking.

  “Maybe he just needs a lawyer,” I joke.

  “I’ll punch him if that’s the case,” she says. “No pun intended.”

  The guy arrives with a nice smile on his angular face. His biceps flex impressively when he offers us his hand.

  “Lovely night,” he says.

  His eyes are on Jules now. “Are you here alone?” she says, forgetting to smile. She does that when she’s nervous.

  “I’m with my buddy,” he says, “but it looks like he’s locked in over there somewhere. I’m Tony, by the way.”

  “Jules. And this is my friend, Nora.”

  “Hey, Nora,” Tony says. He’s cute and not overly aggressive. He can’t take his eyes off Jules. I’m happy about that because it’s obvious she likes him, and I have no wish whatsoever to start anything.

  I back away a little to give them space to talk, turning my face to the ocean. This week has been tough, but I’m starting to get back to my daily routine little by little. Every day will get easier.

  “Hey, baby girl,” Jules says. “Tony asked if we’d like to take a walk on the beach with him.”

  “You guys go ahead,” I say. “I think I saw an old friend. I’m going to go catch up with her.”

  Jules takes my hand, leading me away from Tony. “Are you sure? I hate leaving you alone.”

  “Go, I’m a big girl,” I tell her. “Remember to stay near people until you know more about him and, Jules, practice safe sex.”

  “Miss McRae, who do you take me for? I never leave the house without a bag of candy condoms. And I’m not a first night girl…usually.” She winks.

  “He looks sweet,” I say so I can see her excited. “Remember to smile.”

  She laughs before she goes back to Tony and they stroll down the steps to the beach. I’m happy that Jules has found something to do. It’s not usual for her to give a guy a chance that fast which means she’s into him.

  I walk over to the buffet to sample the offerings. I go for a piece of chocolate cake when I hear a familiar voice behind me.

  “Nora, what a surprise.”

  “Carlton,” I say, stunned. I don’t know why I’m shocked. He did say he’d be in LA for the summer when we talked in Santa Barbara and he’s friends with both Patrick and Emma, the party hosts. Makes sense that he’s here.

  “Where’s your fiancé?” he says, searching the area with his eyes.

  The last thing I want to do is to have a conversation about Lukas with Carlton. “He’s not here,” I say, indifferently.

  “Did you hear about Patrick?” he says.

  “What about him?”

  “He’s moving to Japan. He got a job with a new technology company.”

  “Oh,” I say. “I didn’t know. Is Emma going?”

  “I’m not sure if she’ll join him right away or if she’ll go later. Let’s ask her when we get a chance.”

  I begin to feel more relaxed. Emma and Patrick went to college with Carlton and me and although we were never besties, we had some fun together the four of us. It’s about time I reentered my social circle.

  “What are you up to these days, Carlton?”

  He smiles, obviously pleased that he can talk about himself. “I’m finishing with my masters next year in Berkeley and then I’ll see what’s next. I’m thinking of London maybe.”

  It’s been a while since I had a conversation like this. I used to be a privileged kid, just like Carlton. I used to talk about colleges and traveling and all the endless possibilities that lay ahead of me. Carlton is as pure and hopeful as a child, enjoying the simplicity of his sheltered life. I envy that. He’s young, good looking and wealthy. The elite. Nothing wrong with that. “I’m happy for you,” I say, smiling.

  His expression changes as something dark goes over his features. He leans in, wrapping an arm around my waist, trying to kiss me on the lips.

  “Carlton,” I say, pushing him away. “Are you drunk?”

  “Not yet,” he says. “C’mon, Nora, it’s obvious you’ve been dumped. That guy, you weren’t his type, trust me.”

  I feel the urge to punch him. “Oh, and I’m yours?” I say, fuming. Where does he get off talking to me like I give a damn about his opinion?

  “I can give you a good time,” he says. “For old times’ sake.”

  He grabs my wrist, pulling me to him, while his free hand feels up my ass. I push him again, but he increases his grip, basically manhandling me.

  I raise my knee, readying to kick him in the balls when he’s pulled away from me, violently.

  It’s Lukas. He lands a sudden punch that lifts Carlton off his feet dropping him flat on his ass.

  Carlton squeals as he holds his bleeding nose. “That’s assault,” he whines in a high voice. “I’m calling the police.”

  “Good,” Lukas says, trying to help Carlton to his feet. “My Uncle Rick might answer. He works on the sexual assault unit.”

  “Fuck you,” Carlton says, squirming away from Lukas on the sand.

  I cover my mouth, trying not to laugh. We watch my pathetic ex run away like a wounded duck.

  Lukas turns to me, shyly. “I can explain,” he says.

  “No you can’t,” I say, “but I have to ask. Do you have an Uncle Rick?”

  He laughs. “Doesn’t everyone?”

  I shake my head. “You don’t, do you?”

  “No, it just sounded good.,” he says.

  “It sounded awesome,” I agree.

  We stare into each other’s eyes and it feels so good. I feel calmer than ever before with him. I don’t care that he might have been stalking me.

  “I need to tell you,” Lukas says. “You have rotten taste in men.”

  I look at him, shocked. There are fading scars on his face and arms, but other than that, he’s as sexy as ever. “Which stalker are you talking about?”

  He rubs his face, trying to find words. “I’ve been worried about you.”

  “How long have you been following me?” I say, punching his shoulder. “What are you doing here? Does your therapist know you’re doing this?”

  “Nora, I’m not following you,” he says. “I mean, I knew I shouldn’t have accepted the invitation and I wasn’t planning to, but then I just, you know, came, hoping to see you, maybe, from a distance. Maybe a little stalking was involved, but—”

  “Patrick invited you? Emma? How?”

  He shakes his head. “No,” he says with hesitation.

  “Fucking Jules invited you?”

  “Um.”

  “No, don’t answer. Of course, she invited you. I bet she even knew the guy who bought her a drink. The little fricking tiger Lawyer.”

  “Don’t be mad at her, okay? She came to see me at the hospital and we had a very long, sincere conversation. Well, she mostly yelled at me but, in time, her volume became tolerable. Then she called yesterday, saying you and I should talk and that we needed to clear the air if you were to ever move on. I think she’s right.”

  “I’m totally moved on, Lukas,” I tell him. “I’m all good in the hood.” My knees begin to tremble as my pulse quickens. I know I’m lying, not just now but the whole time since I saw Lukas at the hospital.

  He turns his face toward the ocean before he responds. “I know, but I took advantage of Jules’s concern to come tell you one more thing.”

  “One thing?”

  “Just one,” he says. “I’m in love with you.”

  Why is he doing this to me? Why now? I’ve been making progress. “You’re not, Lukas,” I say, matter-of-factly.

  He blushes. “How could I not be in love with that smile?”

  “Just…shut it.”

>   “Or those dimples?”

  “Oh, please.” I swear, if he keeps this up, I’ll smack him.

  “Or that barely-there accent?”

  What? “I don’t have an accent. Barely-there or otherwise.”

  “You do. A touch of the Atlantic coast.”

  I can’t help it. I smile a little. “You’re so full of shit.”

  “No. I bunked with a guy from Port St. Lucie. I know that accent.”

  “Fine,” I say. “But the rest of this is ridiculous.”

  “I’m not done. How could I not fall in love with those eyes? I am haunted by your eyes. I see them in every thought.”

  “You need to stop, Lukas. Seriously.”

  Nothing seems to faze him. “And those hips,” he goes on.

  “Watch it now.”

  “Your waist.”

  I cover my ears with my hands. I should turn and go but I don’t. I can’t. I’m hypnotized by the passion I hear in his strong, confident voice.

  He touches my hands, gently lifting them off my ears. “Nora, I was at my worst when you met me. Give me a chance to show you I can do better.”

  My eyes water and my voice breaks. “Please, don’t do that,” I say, falling into his big ocean eyes.

  “Okay, if you want me to go, I’ll go,” he says, defeated.

  “Don’t go, Lukas.” What choice do I have? I can’t ask him to go. I’m trying to decide what to say next but then I just yell out, “Lukas, behind you!”

  It’s too late. Carlton has already lifted a half-full Jameson bottle behind Lukas’s back. He brings it down hard. My warning gives Lukas enough time to get his head out of the way so the bottle hits him hard on the left shoulder.

  Lukas staggers to the left as he reaches for his hurt shoulder.

  Carlton grins, satisfied with the damage he’s caused. I grab a drink from a girl that walks by, looking at us curiously, and spill it on Carlton’s face.

  Anger spills out all over his disagreeable features. When Lukas comes to my side, rubbing his shoulder, Carlton runs off. Literally. Scurrying away on his chicken shit legs to escape what Lukas Dupree would do in response.

  “Are you okay?” I ask Lukas, locking my eyes on his.

  “Never been better,” he says. “You defended me.”

  “Yeah, well, don’t get used to it. I’m not Shane and Tanner.”

  I watch how he takes my hand in his and I don’t know how to react. He saves me from having to make a choice by immediately letting go. “All right, I said my piece. I’ll let you get back to the party.”

  Lukas sounds subdued for the first time since I met him. I don’t know if it’s because he’s tired, or maybe because he’s not one-hundred percent himself yet after the explosion.

  He waits for a moment for an answer that I’m not giving. He finally turns to go, pushing through a small group of people who laugh and talk nonsense, drunk as skunks. His gait hastens when he’s on the other side of them.

  I watch for a moment. It feels like part of me is being torn away. I start running. I trip and then get back up and run again until I catch up to him out of breath just before he enters the house through a sliding door.

  I put my arm over his good shoulder, breathing hard. “How much of what you just told me was true?” I say. “Seriously, I need a straight fucking answer, Lukas. I can’t handle one more lie.”

  “Nora, it was all true,” he says as his gaze softens. “I love you.”

  I stare at him, realizing I might forgive him. I don’t know if I’m ready.

  “Let’s get out of here,” I suggest. “We have to talk about this and I was getting bored anyway.”

  “What about Jules?”

  “She’s kind of busy right now. I’ll text her.”

  We cross the kitchen and the living room to get to the spacious front yard of the house. There’s a full moon tonight that outshines half the stars. The blossoming rose bushes are filled with sweet fragrances. Lukas Dupree takes me to his Yamaha and when he offers me the helmet, I don’t even blink.

  *

  We sit three feet apart on the couch in my living room. His eyes are a darker blue in the dim light. He’s clean shaven with only a hint of aftershave on his smooth skin. It doesn’t feel strange to have him in my home again. It feels exciting. Yet, I can’t bring myself to fully accept him back in my life. I don’t know if I can let myself trust him.

  “I’m giving up,” he says. “Right here, right now.”

  “What do you mean?” I say, fearing that he’s giving up on us.

  “No more vigilante justice crap. No more underworld business. I’m done.”

  He holds my gaze, unwaveringly. “Just like that?” I ask him.

  He laughs. “Just like that! Really, Nora? Need I remind you all the shit that went down in the last two weeks?”

  “No,” I agree. “You’re right. But you were obsessed with bringing my father down. You expect me to believe you’re over it?”

  “I don’t expect anything, Nora. I’m amazed you’re even talking to me. I can tell you this. Being around you helped me see beyond anger. Being around you makes me a better man.”

  There are so many things I want to ask him. There are limitless things I don’t understand yet. I don’t know who he truly is, where he’s been, what he’s done. I’m scared to ask really. I know most of it won’t be pleasant.

  “I’m a pain in the ass,” he says, as if reading my mind. “You can definitely do better. I’m complicated. More trouble than I’m worth.”

  “I could do better,” I tell him and immediately regret it.

  He chuckles. “And you should. There’s a lot of darkness inside me, a lot of horrible nightmares and an even scarier past. From Afghanistan to the underground gangs of LA to the brutal mobsters in Vegas, my life has been a long string of violence and power trips. But I want to change. I want to follow your advice and add to the world. I’ll do anything you want me to do.”

  It’s so easy to say the words he wants to hear. I say the opposite instead. “What if I want you to stay away?”

  “Then that’s what I’ll do,” he says. The disappointment on his face thrills me. I like that he’s so needy for my approval.

  I say nothing. What’s happening right now I would have thought impossible only hours ago.

  “Is it?” he says. “Is that what you want?”

  “I don’t know yet.” The words come out as a thin whisper, a flutter of indecision.

  When he touches my hair, I don’t stop him. I let him caress my face, gaze into my eyes. It’s a thing of wonder how he slowly brings down my barriers, allowing me to feel the love from the tips of his fingers.

  We kiss and my lungs deflate happily only to fill up with the lost wonder that only he can provide. It shocks me at first that I’m letting his tongue play with mine in such familiar ways. It’s the softest kiss he’s ever given me and it’s sweet and relaxed. There is no tension, no regrets, just our renewed agreement to leave the past behind.

  This is like medicine for a thousand wounds.

  He breaks the kiss first. The tenderness with which he looks at me sets my soul ablaze. I know I want him and I won’t deny him ever again.

  “You owe me so many explanations,” I tell him, searching one last time for a reason to send him away.

  “Give me the time and I’ll tell you everything. My tongue will be very busy in your service, Nora. I have promises to keep.”

  Oh-my-fucking-god, how I miss that tongue.

  “I’ll hold you to every promise,” I whisper.

  He kisses my forehead before he suddenly gets up.

  “I can’t handle this right now, Nora,” he says. “I can’t handle your forgiveness. If that’s what this is. There shouldn’t be second chances for assholes like me no matter how much I want one.”

  I swear there are tears in his eyes. I fantasized so many times about him feeling this kind of pain, but now that he does, I want to stop it.

  “Lukas,” I tell
him. “If you want to be my friend, you have to slow down. You are not up to a second chance, yet. You have more work to do. And I’m not holding my breath waiting for you, but I’m rooting for you. I care for you, but us kissing on this couch isn’t your second chance. It’s just a kiss.”

  He’s smiling now. “That’s my girl,” he says. “That’s better. I get it. Slowing down is good. I’ll go now, if you don’t mind. It’s all too intense. I didn’t expect your kiss. Feeling a bit overwhelmed.”

  “Tonight was wonderful, Lukas,” I say, wishing he’d stay.

  “I agree,” he says, fidgeting awkwardly on his feet.

  And then, without so much as a pat on the back, he’s gone.

  Chapter 31

  Nora

  “Nora, your fiancé is here.”

  It takes me a few seconds to understand what Darcy is saying. When I get it finally, it’s even more confusing. Lukas is in the building, introducing himself as my fiancé? I guess I did that the last time he was in the office.

  “He’s downstairs?” I ask Darcy who’s already walking back to her desk.

  “He’s right here,” she says without looking at me.

  Next thing I know, Lukas is inside my cubicle, smiling. We haven’t talked since the night of the party last week. I’ve been tempted to call him but have changed my mind every single time. He said he couldn’t handle my forgiveness. I’m not even trying to translate that.

  “How did they let you up here?” I say. No one can enter this floor without permission or an invitation, so I’m sincerely curious.

  “The girl at the reception remembered me,” he says. “She was excited when I told her I have a birthday surprise for you.”

  “My birthday is in March,” I tell him.

  “Yeah, but she didn’t know that.”

  With that, he produces a wrapped present from behind his back and puts it on my desk.

  “What this?” I say.

  “Your early birthday present. Open it.”

  It’s the first week of September, but why not? A present is a present. No one ever refused a birthday present.

  I take the box in my hands, weighing it in my palm. It’s shaped like an oversized book. I tear the wrapping paper quickly to get to what’s inside.