Infamous Love

by Lea Coll

  He didn’t seem as happy as I thought he’d be.

  “That’s good.” I sat next to him, smiling at Henry who sat across from Gray. I hesitantly asked Alice, “What have you been up to?”

  “I toured the town. It didn’t take long.” She rolled her eyes. She didn’t like Telluride. Her reaction, although predictable, annoyed me. The question, why was she here, skirted along my skin like a bug.

  Alice shrugged, a conniving smile crossing her face. “I ran into your boyfriend and his friend. I thought I’d be friendly.”

  The pit in my stomach grew bigger. Alice being in town could only mean one thing, my past was about to crash into my present in the worst way possible. I couldn’t ask her why she was here in front of the guys. That opened me up for her to say everything I feared. I went for the easier question. “How long are you staying?”

  Alice dipped her head at me. “That’s up to you. I came back to convince you to come home.”

  I shook my head, trying to clear the panic that made it difficult to form coherent thoughts. “Los Angeles was never my home.” Huntington Beach was our hometown; Telluride is my future.

  I was afraid to look at Gray, worried he could pick up on the tension between us. I sensed Henry giving Gray a worried look.

  Alice was quiet, considering me.

  I wanted her to let it go, to say she was here to see me.

  Henry’s finger traced the edge of his glass as he looked from me to Gray, one brow raised.

  “If you came here to convince me otherwise, you’re wasting your time.” My teeth ground painfully together.

  Alice studied me before flicking her gaze to Gray. “Is he the reason you want to stay?”

  “He’s one of them. Even before we met, I planned to stay. I opened a business that’s finally gaining ground. I’m happy here. I like the community and the people.” I couldn’t go back to Los Angeles, not when I felt like a carefully wrapped package on a conveyor belt, going around in circles while someone else pushed the control buttons.

  Alice shook her head in disgust. “Does he know everything you gave up to be here?”

  Childishly, I wanted to slap my hand over her mouth to stop the words from leaving her mouth. Instead, I used my eyes to plead with her, to will her to stop talking.

  She had all the power.

  I resisted the urge to place a hand on Gray’s forearm, asking him if we could go somewhere quiet to talk.

  It was too late. The anticipated crash of my past and present raised every hair on my arms and neck, sending cool chills down my spine.

  “What did you give up coming here?” Gray tipped his beer to his mouth, his body deceptively calm.

  Everything hinged on my answer.

  “Nothing. I gave up nothing. I came here looking for a fresh start. It’s exactly what I got.” I gave Alice one last warning look before turning to Gray, hoping he’d listen.

  “You don’t want to be with your family?” Henry asked.

  “I miss them, but this is my home.” To Alice, I said, “You’re welcome to visit anytime. Please stop begging me to go back. I’m happy here.”

  I sensed Gray’s shoulders lowering, his fingers relaxing from a fist.

  Alice slapped a hand on the table, making everyone jump, her voice rose with each word. “How can you walk away from the show, the contract, the money?”

  My face burned hot; my fingers twisted together in my lap. The buzzing in my ears increased to a feverish pitch. “Alice, this is not the time nor place.”

  “What’s she talking about? What show?” Gray shifted slightly to face me. His words were cold, hard.

  I wanted to say nothing, but she’d already said too much. I’d have to tell him the truth I’d been avoiding.

  I closed my eyes briefly, shoring up my courage to reveal my greatest shame, knowing this would change everything, the way he looked at me, his feelings for me. I opened my eyes, keeping them trained on Alice, daring her to disagree with me. “When I was sixteen, producers with cameramen showed up at our school. They got permission from our parents and the school to interview us for a reality show. I was young and stupid. I didn’t realize what happened on that show would be memorialized forever.”

  I was stating facts because Alice and Henry were present when what I wanted to do was explain the impact of that show on my life, the lonely nights, the stomach pains after the producer pushed me to do something I wasn’t comfortable with, and the shame after I gave in.

  “What show?” Henry shifted in his chair to get closer.

  Alice smiled smugly. “Huntington Beach, then later, it was Hollywood Hills.”

  “Never heard of it.” Henry’s eyes darted from me to Alice.

  I shrugged as if it didn’t matter when it was the single, most impactful event in my young life. “They were scripted, sold as reality. Mainly teenagers and twenty-something women watched them. It was trash.”

  My words were calm, confident. My heart beat loudly, competing with the buzzing in my ears; sweat trickled down my back.

  Gray held up a finger. “Wait. You’re saying you were on a reality show where cameras followed you around?”

  I couldn’t tell from his expression what he was thinking. I wanted to touch him but my past was between us. “I thought it would be fun. They told us we’d be actresses.”

  “It was a reality show,” Gray said carefully as if he was trying to work out what I was saying in his head.

  “Right. But they told us what to say, who to date, what silly pranks to pull. A producer was by my side telling me everything I needed to do to get ratings. I didn’t realize until it was too late that viewers thought it was real when it wasn’t.”

  Honesty was the only choice at this moment. Baring my soul, hoping he’d give me a chance to explain. “I was ashamed of what I’d done. It wasn’t me. The second show followed us as we tried to go to school, get jobs, and essentially, become adults. That’s when I realized the impact of the first show. Clients would approach me at the salon I worked at, calling me names.”

  A cheater, a homewrecker, a slut, an attention whore.

  I hoped Gray saw it. The unusual situation I was in, how lost I must have felt.

  “Do you think we could go somewhere to talk about this?” I felt like I was sitting on quicksand, the situation quickly spiraling out of control, my feet sinking deeper into the muck, so deep, I’d never get out.

  I placed a hand on his forearm, willing him to look at me, to tell me everything was going to be okay. Instead, his eyes were on the table, the muscles under my fingers tensed.

  “Oh, come on. It was an amazing opportunity. Your name in the gossip magazines, paparazzi following your every move, VIP passes to all the hot clubs, designer clothes to wear.” Alice’s voice grated on my nerves.

  “That wasn’t a good thing, Alice. It was horrible.”

  Henry was on his phone, probably scrolling for any information he could find. I wanted to beg him not to read the articles, to give me a chance to explain.

  I was torn between defending myself and giving into the sinking feeling in my stomach. An awful realization stole over me. I didn’t deserve Gray or this life. I never did. My life changed when my parents approved of me signing the contract. I couldn’t go back in time to make a different decision. I had to live with my choices.

  “I don’t want to do another show. It’s not me. That life is toxic. I want my barbershop to be a success; I want to make a home in Telluride.” I wanted a life with Gray.

  “I like not having cameras follow me around. I’m free to make my own decisions, my own choices. No one here knows.” That was going to change. People would look at me differently, talk behind my back, wonder if the articles were true. I’d lose clients. People might confront me on the streets about my behavior on the show. The thought made me feel sick.

  “They’re going to find out.” Henry shot Gray a pointed look.

  “You’re making a huge mistake.” The disgust in Alice’s voice
was evident. “Have you even looked at the contract? They’re offering you a ton of money.”

  “Do you want the money and the fame? I’ve tried to protect you from that lifestyle. Maybe that was my mistake. You only saw the good, not the bad.” I felt defeated. I’d failed her as much as my parents had me.

  Alice’s face was incredulous. “You were famous. You had money, designer clothes, guys throwing themselves at you.”

  My face heated. “Those things are empty. The guys always want something, the girls aren’t your friends. They want the fame and money for themselves.”

  Alice liked those things. She wanted them. Nothing I said dissuaded her.

  “You’re famous,” Gray said, eyes cold, unseeing.

  Henry turned his phone so Gray could read the headlines: Huntington Beach’s Favorite Reality Star Villain Moves to LA. The first line of the article read, Cameras will follow the stars…

  Gray grabbed Henry’s phone scrolling through the article. I wanted to beg him not to read it, to listen to me. It was no use. It was too much to expect the man who said he loved me last night would believe me over whatever was printed in that article. Why had I expected anything else?

  Gray ran his fingers through his hair.

  “Please, can we talk about it?” I pleaded.

  “What is there to say?” He gestured at the phone. “I never knew you at all. You’re apparently a trashy reality star, a mean girl who cheats with her friend’s boyfriends.”

  I shook my head frantically. “No. No. You have it all wrong. None of that was real. It was scripted. We were told what to say, what to do.”

  “Were you handed a script each morning?” Henry asked pointedly.

  My stomach dropped.

  “Not exactly. We were told what was supposed to happen, what would make viewers tune in. They didn’t want us to be nice. We were supposed to get into trouble, gossip, talk behind each other’s backs, pretend to date each other’s boyfriends. None of it was real. I never dated that guy.” I pointed at the picture of me kissing Chad.

  “You’re kissing him on camera.” Then Henry blew out a hard breath. “It says your name is Giselle.”

  I wish Gray would say something, anything to let me know what he was thinking. “I shortened it to Elle when I came here. Not to be deceitful. To start over where people didn’t know me. Have I ever given you a reason not to trust me?”

  Gray’s face softened.

  Of anyone, he should understand. He was judged for his father’s actions.

  His eyes sharpened on me. “Do you have cameras following us? Did you? Was anything real?”

  He was so used to protecting his past, he couldn’t expose himself to mine. I’d never overcome the film, the articles, the pictures, the comments. I was that person. I was Giselle.

  “What? No. Of course not.” I squeezed my fingers together, desperate for him to listen.

  “How can I believe anything you say when you kept this from me?” He threw the phone on the table, standing so fast his chair tipped back before righting itself.

  “I hope you know I’m not that person.” My voice was thin, quiet, defeated.

  “I met you a few weeks ago. Hardly enough time to know you. I can’t believe I trusted you when everything was a lie, even your name.”

  He turned to go, taking all my hopes and dreams for the future, with him.

  I hesitated only a second before following. He burst out the door, pausing on the sidewalk to suck in a deep breath.

  “Gray. Can we talk about this? I’m the same girl who was with you last night. I love you. You love me.” I reached out for him, letting my hand drop when he laughed without any humor, shaking his head.

  “I’m asking you to give me the benefit of the doubt. I didn’t want to tell you about that person because she wasn’t me. I was influenced as a teenager to act a certain way. I got caught up in that world. I’m not proud of it. But as I got older, I rebelled. I wanted out.” The sick feeling in my stomach intensified. “At that point, I’d already signed a contract for the spin-off show. The money was good. I thought I could at least use the money to open my own business. When the second show wasn’t as successful, I got out. I moved here to live the life I wanted. I want you, Gray.”

  “Don’t.” He held his hands up to ward me off.

  “I want this town. I want my shop.”

  He kept shaking his head slowly.

  He didn’t believe me.

  “I can’t be around you. You have no idea what you’ve done.”

  His words pounded like drum sticks in my head. “What are you talking about?”

  He looked around us to make sure no one would overhear before his eyes settled on me. “My dad’s up for parole.”

  “When did you find out?” I licked my dry lips, my brain frantically trying to pull the pieces together.

  He looked away, his eyes unfocused. “This morning. After I left you. It’s only a matter of time before the town, and Ed, puts it all together.”

  “No one knows about the show. Alice told you and Henry. It doesn’t mean the whole town knows.” My voice sounded as weak as I felt.

  “You’re crazy if you believe that. Your sister isn’t out to do you any favors. She’ll take you down to get what she wants, pulling me down with you.”

  “She was promised a spot on the show if I signed on.” Had Alice been so far sucked into that world that she was desperate to do anything to get on TV?

  “Exactly. She’ll do whatever it takes to get you. She’ll bring producers and cameras here. They’ll dig into what you’re doing here. They’ll dig into me. Someone will make the connection.”

  I placed my hands on my hips, frustrated he couldn’t see beyond his past or what he’d always feared. “Will they? I know this is what you’ve feared your whole life, but don’t you think you’re overreacting a bit? You’ve been here for years. The people know you. They won’t blame you for what your father did. I don’t. Henry doesn’t.”

  “I want to take over a well-loved business. The community trusts Ed. Once they find out my past, they won’t trust me with their animals or their money. That taint doesn’t ever leave unless—Fuck!” He ran his fingers through his hair, leaving it standing on end. “I’m going to have to leave again.”

  The pain and utter heartbreak on his face was my undoing.

  I took a step back instead of closer. The show wasn’t toxic. I was. “I’m so sorry, Gray. I never intended for this to happen.”

  I’d been so worried about what people would think when they found out about me, I hadn’t considered what it meant for Gray. The last thing I wanted to do was make things worse for him. I wanted him to be happy. I wanted Ed to give him the clinic.

  “I have to go.” He walked away, not looking back.

  This time, I didn’t follow. He was right. I ruined everything.

  I walked home, my heart pounding in my ears, my skin clammy. I didn’t bother returning to the bar to see the disgust on Henry’s face or the triumph on Alice’s. I needed to be by myself. I needed to figure out how to move on when it felt like my world had caved in.

  Gray didn’t want anything to do with me. The more he read about me, the less he’d remember Elle.

  Chapter 21

  Gray

  * * *

  I walked in the direction of my car, not seeing where I was going, not hearing anyone’s greetings as I passed them.

  How had everything fallen apart so spectacularly? This morning, I’d been so happy. Last night, we’d said we loved each other. I’d contemplated moving in together.

  Now, I wanted to sever her from my life, pretend she never existed. I wanted to rewind, going back to that moment in my office, the one where I’d let the shadows in her eyes suck me in, and tell myself to run.

  I was tempted to read more about her, even though that one article had said it all. She’d cheated with her friend’s boyfriend on TV. Who did that? Her name wasn’t even Elle. Nothing she’d said to me was real. They
were carefully orchestrated lies to make me think I’d met a different person, one who was caring and kind.

  I wasn’t sure what her end game was. She ended up being no different than my father. She pretended to be someone she wasn’t. She’d carefully built a life on stilts, one that would blow over at the first gust of wind. Then take me down with her. I was drifting on the sand, like tumbleweed twisting first one way then another, with no direction, no anchor. I was on my own.

  I ignored the buzzing of my phone, probably Henry trying to reach me, to make sure I was okay. Opening the door to my truck, I wondered where I could go. My apartment wasn’t a refuge. The only place that felt like home was Rigby’s Ranch, with its animals, old-fashioned barn, home-cooked meals, and hospitality. The thought was a punch to the gut. Elle’s past threatened to destroy that.

  I drove there, slowly numbing myself against what I’d felt with Elle last night and this morning. I turned off my dreams about the future, a home, and the clinic.

  I pulled off to the side of the driveway, hoping no one would see me so I could be alone for a few minutes. Paul wouldn’t mind. I’d come here often over the years to think. I headed straight to the barn, the familiar smell of horses and hay comforting me. I greeted each horse softly as I passed by each stall, finally stopping when I got to my favorite horse, Blaze. I stroked his nose as the tickle of tears invaded my eyes.

  He nuzzled my neck, silently asking for a treat. I grabbed an apple from the burlap sack that hung on the wall, handing it to him.

  The tension in my neck eased slightly as he munched on the apple. The horses shuffled in their stalls, grunting and snorting. Why couldn’t everything be this easy? Blaze pushed on my neck, eager for more. I grabbed a second apple for him.

  “What are you doing here?” Paul asked curiously, walking inside.

  I offered an apple to Blaze, not ready to talk.

  He raised his brow. “Hiding out?”

  “You could say that.”

  Mr. Rigby went about his business, putting feed out for the horses to eat. I continued to stroke Blaze’s neck. Paul didn’t prod me to speak or ask what was wrong. I appreciated the silent support emanating from him. I knew he’d listen if I wanted to talk or leave me alone if I didn’t.