Infamous Love

by Lea Coll

  When he’d finished, moving toward the door, I said, “Wait.”

  He turned. “Yeah?”

  I needed to talk to someone. This was bigger than anything I’d encountered before. I didn’t want to keep running. I wanted to stay. “I found some things out today. Things that could change the way people look at me.”

  “What could possibly change the way we look at you?” He settled on a hay bale against the wall, crossing his arms across his flannel-covered chest.

  “I found out Elle used to be on a reality TV show. She wasn’t a nice person.” That was putting it mildly. Cheaters were the same as liars.

  He was quiet for a few seconds. “Is she a nice person now?”

  “She is. Or at least I thought she was.” How did you ever truly know a person? I thought I knew who she was, but she had this whole life she kept from me. It was the same as the situation with my father. He had a secret life that blew up in a big way. Hers would too.

  His eyes narrowed on me. “What’s the problem?”

  I bristled that he didn’t understand the gravity of what she’d done. “She never mentioned being on this show, and she lied about her name, who she was.”

  He tilted his head. “Is she fundamentally different than the person she showed you?”

  I sighed, the weight of what Alice revealed on my shoulders. “I don’t know. I don’t know who she is anymore.”

  His gaze knowing, he asked, “Don’t you? Is there a reason she was a certain way on this show?”

  “She said she was a teenager when she did it. Producers told her what to say and do. That none of it was real.” I didn’t like to make excuses for people.

  “You don’t believe her.” His tone was matter of fact.

  I hadn’t in the bar. Thinking back, I saw the pain in her eyes, the utter torment about what happened, her shame, the embarrassment. “I don’t know what to think.”

  He shook his head, leaning forward, his elbows on his knees. “Don’t you?”

  “I don’t know what you mean.” I shifted on my feet, stuffing my hands in my pockets.

  Blaze grunted, probably because I wasn’t paying attention to him.

  “What’s your gut telling you?”

  It was telling me to run, cut all ties, start over. Something held me back. “I still love her. I can’t believe everything I knew about her was a lie.”

  There was a sinking feeling in my stomach that I’d made a mistake in shutting her out. I wanted to know why she’d done what she had. Why she felt like she couldn’t come to me.

  “Maybe it wasn’t. You said she was young when she was on the show, manipulated by producers. Maybe she wasn’t that person. Where were her parents during this?”

  “She never said.”

  “If she didn’t have anyone looking out for her best interests, except a reality show producer, do you think she made the best decisions? If she was handed money for acting a certain way, would she turn it down? If she was surrounded by people telling her how amazing she was, to keep doing what she was doing, what do you think she would do? What would you do in that situation?”

  “I have no idea.” I rocked back on my heels.

  I had the support of my parents. Even though my dad turned out to be a criminal, they were there for me, for the most part. He even made sure the feds couldn’t take the money he’d set aside for me. He had taken care of me in his own way.

  Paul’s eyes were thoughtful. “I met her that one time. I didn’t sense she was dishonest, or not who she said she was. Maybe you should talk to her some more. We all make mistakes. I wouldn’t want to be held responsible for the things I did at sixteen.”

  He stood, walking out of the barn. He had a point. I was immature when I was that age. I didn’t want to be held responsible for what my father did. But wasn’t what she’d done different? She was being held responsible for what she did, not someone else.

  I sat on the hay bale he’d vacated, pulling out my phone to search for her name, Giselle Carmichael. Pages of gossip site articles came up, outlining every salacious, outrageous thing that happened on that show. Mostly high school drama. Who was dating who, who said what, pranks, outrageous invitations to prom… I couldn’t believe people cared enough to watch it. The comments were nasty, calling Giselle an attention whore, a slut, a boyfriend stealer, a bitch. I had to stop reading because it made me sick. Had she read these? Is that why she said it was toxic?

  She said she moved here to escape the nastiness. I wanted to know more. Not only how she’d survived growing up in the spotlight but why her sister wanted her to go back to it. I couldn’t imagine cameras following me in high school, capturing every stupid thing I said, every awkward moment.

  I dropped my head into my hands. Had I completely fucked up by not hearing her out? Would she be willing to talk when I’d calmed down, or was it too late? Was she already considering going back to LA?

  “I thought I’d find you here.” Henry stood at the entrance to the barn, watching me uneasily.

  “I just talked to your dad.”

  “Did he give you good advice?”

  I ran my fingers through my hair. “I might have overreacted. I should have heard her out.”

  “I don’t know. Isn’t she the exact kind of person you need to keep your distance from? Aren’t you worried about someone connecting you with her, your dad, and her past?

  “I suppose it’s possible. My father’s up for parole. He might be in the news, or it could blow over quickly.” It had been twelve years. Would people care anymore? Maybe they’d see that my dad was responsible for his own actions. It had nothing to do with me. I had this prickly sensation that I should give Elle that same consideration.

  Henry was quiet, considering me.

  “What happened when I left?”

  “Elle never came back. Alice seemed gleeful. She said once everyone in town finds out who Giselle really is, she’ll have no choice but to go back and sign the contract for the show.”

  “That’s fucked up.”

  Henry shook his head in disgust. “I’d never hurt Piper like that.”

  “The power of money and fame is hard for some people to ignore.” Like my dad, a teenage Elle, and Alice.

  Henry sighed heavily. “Maybe you should talk to her.”

  I’d reacted just like those assholes in the comments. I believed those articles, not the person she showed me. She couldn’t be that good of an actress to fake what we’d had the last few weeks, could she?

  Chapter 22

  Elle

  * * *

  I was crushed. Tears ran unchecked down my cheeks as I curled into the fetal position on my bed.

  This morning I laid in bed with Gray, his arms around me as he whispered how much he loved me. How could that all change in a few hours? He’d gone from happy and in love to angry and disgusted with me.

  I couldn’t blame him. I’d lied to him. I’d omitted a big part of my life. It was immature to think I could move on from it. That I could pretend it didn’t happen. That I wasn’t that person deep down. A better person would have said no, would have broken the contract, walked away.

  I’d have to come to terms with the idea I’d always be Giselle; the past was a part of me whether I liked it or not. I’d put on a brave face, doing my best to deal with whatever people had to say about it.

  It was only a matter of time before it got around town. People would turn on me. I could only hope that men wouldn’t care as much as women and that they’d still frequent my business. Or in time, maybe people would forget. As long as I kept my head down, continued to live my life with integrity, maybe they’d forgive me.

  There was no chance that Gray would. He didn’t trust easily. I knew my past could damage his future, but I still waited to tell him. The reality was he wouldn’t have dated me at all if he’d known. Wasn’t it better to have experienced that love than never to have loved at all?

  I’d wrap myself up in the feeling I had when I was with him. I�
��d have to hold on to that for the lonely nights ahead. One thing I knew for certain, I wouldn’t go back to LA. Smoke & Mirrors had to succeed. There wasn’t another option for me. My savings was shored up in these walls.

  My phone buzzed. My heart soared, hoping it was Gray telling me he wanted to talk. Then it sunk when it was Alice.

  Alice: I’m downstairs. Let me up?

  I didn’t want to talk to her, but maybe she’d leave if I did. I dragged myself out of bed, running a hand through my hair, hoping it wasn’t too knotted. I knew without looking, my face was red and swollen from crying. I didn’t care if Alice saw the damage she’d done. Even though I thought she might do something like this, the reality still hurt.

  My limbs were heavy as I made my way downstairs, unlocking the door to the barbershop, pushing it open for her.

  She smiled tentatively. “Oh good. I wasn’t sure you’d want to talk to me.”

  “I don’t.” I gestured for her to come in so I could lock up behind her.

  She faced me, awkward silence between us.

  I crossed my arms over my chest at her triumphant expression. I wasn’t a pawn in this game of hers. “What do you want?”

  Her forehead wrinkled. “You don’t want to talk upstairs?”

  “I don’t want you in my space.” I didn’t trust her. My apartment was my refuge. The place I went when I wanted to forget about my past and revel in my present. Alice tore it down in one day.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to tell your friends. I thought they knew.”

  “You thought they knew about my past?” I searched her face for any sign of insincerity. Her eyes darted to the left as she clenched her jaw. She was lying. The anger built, making it difficult to stay calm.

  “Yeah. I can’t believe you didn’t tell him. Aren’t you supposed to be dating?” She was deflecting.

  “Don’t turn this around on me. You knew exactly what you were doing. You want to destroy what I have here so I’ll have no choice but to go home with you. You want to be on a trashy show so badly, you’d sell out your own sister? You’d ruin everything I’ve built?” I gestured at the shop, the thing I was most proud of.

  Her lips drew into a straight line as the silence stretched.

  “That’s not going to happen. Do whatever you have to do, then leave. You’re no longer welcome here.”

  Her face fell. “I never intended—”

  “Yes. You did. You came here and did exactly what you intended to do. You told me a few weeks ago you had no intention of coming here. Then all of a sudden, you’re here for a visit, telling everyone, knowing I hated that life. You want to destroy me. That’s not how sisters treat each other. You’re supposed to be there for me, support me. You’re not supposed to manipulate me so you can get what you want.” As heartbroken as I was by her actions, it felt good to lay everything out.

  Alice pinched her lips together. “I don’t understand why you won’t come back. Why won’t you do the show? Why are you being so selfish? You had your shot, let me have mine.”

  I closed my eyes against the onslaught of memories, Alice standing next to Emily as she manipulated me. I thought I was protecting her when she was right next to me the whole time, learning from the best. “You need to leave.”

  “Why can’t you help me for once? Why can’t you let me have the dream?”

  I slowly opened my eyes, my heartbeat slowing, a calm overtaking me. “I’m happy to help you go to college, or get your feet under you. I’m not helping you get on a TV show. It ruined my life.”

  “You’re so dramatic. You made a lot of money, you partied, had a good time. It was amazing.” It was like she was grasping for the memory she had of me.

  “It wasn’t.” My voice was flat. I felt numb. “I don’t know why you’re here. You’re not going to change my mind.”

  “I don’t know either.” She turned to go.

  “If your plan is to send a producer here with cameras to convince me, don’t. I won’t participate. I’ll never talk to you again, and I won’t forgive you for bringing those people back into my life. I own my life now. I decide who gets to be front and center to see me succeed or fail, not some producer, not a cameraman, and certainly not you.”

  Alice’s eyes flashed with anger. “You’re going to regret this.”

  “I already do.” I uncrossed my arms, opening the door for her.

  “You’re so selfish.”

  “If you want to be a good sister, you won’t tell anyone else about the show. You won’t ruin my reputation in this town.” If I wanted them to know, I’d tell them. It was time I put myself first. It was a good feeling. I thought I’d come here to find myself when I was here all along. I was afraid to come out, pushed down by other’s expectations, but I was here. I knew what I wanted, what I needed to do to get it. If Gray wasn’t it, I’d survive. I’d come out stronger on the other side. I wouldn’t let anyone tear me down again.“I won’t tell anyone else.” Alice pulled the door out of my hand, slamming it so hard the closed sign bounced off the window. I locked it, blocking out her, the world, Gray, and anyone else who wanted to hurt me.

  I headed toward the stairs to my apartment when a sharp knock on the door jarred me. Thinking it was Alice wanting to continue our fight, I pulled the door open, finding Piper. “What are you doing here?”

  “Henry told me what happened. I brought reinforcements.” She held up a bag of ice cream and wine.

  “Come on in.” I led her upstairs to my apartment.

  “Aren’t you mad?” I asked as she pulled out the food.

  Her eyes shot up, her mouth dropping open. “Why would I be mad at you?”

  “I lied about who I was.”

  She placed a finger on her chin, then shrugged. “Did you? You go by a shortened version of your name. I wouldn’t want to admit I was on a trashy reality show either. I can’t believe I didn’t see the resemblance before now. I never watched it, but I remember reading some of the gossip columns.”

  She reached out to tug on one brown lock. “Dying your hair isn’t exactly hiding your identity.”

  “This is my natural color.”

  She smirked. “Exactly. You aren’t hiding, you’re revealing yourself. This is who you are. Not that Giselle on TV.”

  “That girl made the worst decisions.” My lips twitched as I allowed myself to consider Piper’s take.

  “Every sixteen-year-old makes bad decisions. It’s a rite of passage. You were unlucky enough to do it on TV. Was any of it real?”

  “No. The show came out later saying it was scripted. By then, the viewers didn’t want to admit they’d wasted years watching a fake show.”

  “I’d be pretty pissed too.” Piper barked out a laugh, covering it with her hand. Then we were both laughing over the absurdity of the situation, the show, and the shitstorm my life had become.

  Covering my aching stomach, I said, “I can’t believe you’re here.”

  Warmth flooded through me, heating the areas cooled by Alice’s revelation and Gray’s departure.

  “We’re friends. We don’t turn on each other just because you have a secret in your past you’re embarrassed about.”

  Relief flowed through me at her words. The sentiment reminded me of a friend I’d had before I was cast on the show, Kelsey. She was more serious and studious than me. We’d been friends since elementary school, but the producers didn’t want us to hang out with anyone not on the show. I’d always regretted losing her friendship. Piper reminded me a little of her. Maybe I should reach out to Kelsey to make things right. “Gray won’t be so forgiving.”

  “Give him time,” she said quietly.

  “He said he loved me.” The words rolled off my tongue, beautiful in their simplicity. My chest throbbed with the loss.

  “Do you love him?” Her eyes softened.

  I nodded, miserable at the prospect of not being able to say it to him again.

  “It’ll work out. He’ll come to his senses.” Her tone was uncerta
in, feeding into my doubt.

  “You’ve met Gray, right? He’s the most rigid person I’ve ever met. I’m not sure he will.” The pit in my stomach got bigger.

  “He’s never been with anyone else like he’s been with you. You’re different.”

  “I hope so.” My shoulders ached from the tension of worrying all day about Alice revealing my ugly truths to the man I love and my new friends.

  Piper pulled a couple of bowls out of the cabinet. “Are you worried your bitch of a sister will tell everyone?”

  I pressed a hand to my twisting stomach. All the worst-case scenarios I’d imagined flashed through my head, one worse than the other. “About the show?”

  “Yes.” She turned away, pulling open drawers until she found the silverware.

  I closed my eyes briefly. If she did, it would be over. The truth would come out.

  “Aha.” Piper held up the ice cream scooper.

  “She said she won’t, but do you think people will turn on me if she does?”

  She scooped ice cream into the bowls. “There might be a few that will. If you stay, and you tell people you’re not like that anymore, that you don’t want to leave, and this is your home, I think they’ll come around.”

  “That’s all true. I want to stay here.” My stomach settled at my pronouncement. I grabbed the wine opener, needing something to cover the worry, the doubt, and the dread. I untwisted the cork, pouring two glasses.

  Piper pushed the bowl of ice cream toward me. “Wine and ice cream heals everything.”

  Gray was another story.

  I took a bite of the ice cream, not in the mood to bury my feelings with junk food or wine. I didn’t want to numb myself or forget. I wanted to immerse myself in the way I felt with Gray, holding on to that feeling until it faded with time. I wanted to remember what it felt like to be loved, cared for, and trusted.

  “He’ll come around. You’ll see.”