Amrita

by Usha Rajagopalan

  Kamala found it difficult to keep an eye on the younger girl and maintain her rehabilitation efforts with the elder. In fact, compared to her sister's intelligence and exuberance, Amrita seemed even more helpless, making Kamala feel guilty. Severe nausea and exhaustion during her second pregnancy had forced her to hand over the care of Amrita to Revabehn. And now, she was constantly behind Maya, to ensure that the child did not get hurt. She felt torn between her daughters. Should she concentrate on her normal child, ensure that she was kept engaged and safe or spend time with the older girl, who needed long hours of patient teaching for the simplest task?

  "Hire another maid. It will be expensive but if that will make you happier and give you a little time. . ." said Raghu.

  "Maybe I can ask Revabehn if one of her daughters will look after Maya. Where does she stock all this energy in her little body? She doesn't eat on her own, I have to run after her for every morsel. As for getting her to drink milk. . ."

  "Maybe you should drink that milk. You need the strength more than she does."

  "Motherhood is not easy. In my next birth I want to be born a male, an Indian male, pampered, indifferent. . ."

  "Hey, there's no need to insult me. Don't I do my share of baby-sitting Maya? Of course, I can only do it in the evenings when I return. I can't help it if I have to go on tour sometimes."

  "Not sometimes, all the time."

  "Shall I resign from my job and stay at home? You won't have to hire another maid, I'll be around 24 hours."

  Revabehn brought her daughter, Shanti to babysit Maya. She looked much younger than her 13 years and Kamala hesitated to hire her.

  "The girl's very sharp. She'll ensure that Maya doesn't get into any trouble. I'll also be around to keep an eye on both," Revabehn said and got her daughter the job.

  Now there were two girls running all over the house instead of one. Amrita did not like the noise they made and stayed out of their way. She watched the girls from her corner as if they would bump into her any moment but they never noticed her. She could be a fixture in the room for all they cared. Maya was too busy getting into trouble and Shanti, trying to prevent her.

  The biggest advantage in having Shanti around was that she fed the younger girl. Kamala was not very happy about entrusting this task to the servant but the girl seemed to do it better than her. She told Maya stories and popped in a mouthful at every opportunity. Kamala suspected that some of it probably went into the servant girl but how much can she eat, she reasoned and left them alone. Just as she left her husband alone. If Kamala had ignored Raghu after Amrita's birth she now ensured that he could come nowhere near her. She slept with a daughter on either side while he had the bedroom to himself.

  "I've had enough of taking risks. In any case, I am so exhausted with all this work I cannot think of anything else. Is it my fault that I'm so busy?" she asked her husband one night, as he stood at the doorway of the children's room. "Even with Revabehn and her daughter to help I don't get to comb my hair some days. I'm not complaining, mind you. Children must be active. I want Amrita to be like her sister but it will not be possible without my help and where is the time to help her? It is by the grace of God that the younger one is normal. Just imagine what would have happened if she had turned out like her sister?"

  Maya made the days seem longer. She created such a racket that Amrita clung to her mother and wouldn't go to Revabehn even for a minute. Kamala's arms ached with carrying the girl. Amrita was nearly four years old and made up in size what she lacked in intelligence.

  "Shanti, play with the elder one," she said.

  The girl paused in the middle of their game and replied, "Na, behnji. She is very quiet but I can't carry her. She is too fat. Maya is more fun. I am teaching her how to climb steps."

  Kamala could see that. The two girls had been climbing up and down the whole morning without showing any sign of boredom or exhaustion.

  "Be careful, Shanti," she said. "I don't want her to try it on her own. If you encourage her to climb, she will do it when there is nobody to supervise her."

  "She's smart. She holds on to the wall. I have taught her to keep both feet on a step before going to the next one. Don't worry, nothing will happen."

  Kamala watched them for a while, satisfied herself that Shanti was taking good care of the toddler and went to Amrita. She was not happy about her daughter's appearance. Her face was too flushed and she was restless though she did not seem to have a temperature. Kamala waited for Raghu to come home and take over but he telephoned from his office.

  "Kamala, I'm leaving early tomorrow morning for Madras and Calcutta. I'll be late in the evening so I won't be able to pack. Do you mind doing it? Thanks and bye."

  By the time he returned home that night she was exhausted and irritable.

  "Are you married to your office or to me? It is bad enough that you spend so much time there and then you go on tours, leaving me to manage these two all by myself. When do I get a break?"

  "What do you want me to do? You don't want me to look after Amrita. You think I can't handle Maya. You don't want to go out with me nor will you let me go to the club to unwind. One drink does not make a person a drunkard but you act as if you must keep an eye on me all the time, as if I'm Maya," he complained in return.

  "If Maya is troublesome I can carry her on my hip and still do my work but if you are up to any mischief, I am the one to get into trouble. No thanks. You will behave yourself while you're home. I don't care what you do when you're out of town."

  Let him flirt or dream about any girl, how does it matter? I suppose he must have his share of fun. Why shouldn't a woman have an equal right in such matters? Is a woman not expected to have sexual desires? Not that I am interested. With these two around it is not even possible to think of such a thing!

  "What are you thinking about? More sticks to beat me with? Keep them to yourself. I have to finish these papers tonight. I'll leave them here. Give them to the peon tomorrow morning. They are very important."

  "Why do you keep everything till the last minute? You could have done this earlier and not thrust that responsibility as well on me. You are no better than a child sometimes."

  Raghu left on a tour for fifteen days, the longest he had ever been away. Amrita had another of her bronchial attacks, which made her flushed and breathless. Kamala had been up the whole night tending to her and she fell into an exhausted sleep early in the morning. Maya woke up, crawled over her mother and got off the cot. She poked a finger into Amrita's tummy and went slowly towards the steps.

  She must have gone for not more than a couple of minutes when Kamala woke up and looked around for her. Even as she wondered where the girl had vanished to, she heard a tumbling noise as Maya rolled down the steps.

  ***

  5

  aya was declared out of danger after two days in the Intensive Care Unit that nearly killed Kamala with worry. She couldn't bear to see the tiny figure in the crib, head swathed in bandage, eyes closed, tubes inserted into her arms and nose. The only time Maya lay down was when sleep overtook her and then she thrashed around or sat up prattling. Her stillness now made Kamala's stomach churn with fear. She could do nothing but stand outside the closed doors of the ICU and look hopefully at the nurses who came out for a sign that her daughter was well. She did not dare to think of how Amrita was coping with her absence.

  Revabehn is with her. She will be all right. My place is beside the younger one. I can't help it. If only Raghu were here. . .

  Yet, she feared his return.

  What will he say? Will he get angry with me for not taking better care of her? But what can I do? Which one do I attend to? They are both my girls, equally precious.

  Raghu said nothing. He neither chastised nor consoled her as they took turns at the hospital till they could bring Maya home with a small bandage over the stitches on her forehead. Kamala's worst fear that the injury might affect her daughter mentally fled as soon as Maya regained consciousness, when sh
e opened her eyes, smiled at her parents and wanted to get out of the bed, all in the same instant.

  "Shanti doesn't seem reliable. Take care of the little brat yourself. It's only a matter of a few years. She will quieten when she grows up. Revabehn can manage Amrita. Let's not run the risk of having something disastrous happen to Maya too," was all that Raghu said when they returned home.

  Maya found it difficult to hoodwink her mother like she had done with Shanti but that didn't stop her from trying. She waited for Kamala to turn her back and swung into action, dropping bottles, removing utensils from the kitchen shelves or playing with the gas regulator. She did not protest if she was thrown out of the kitchen for she found the rest of the house equally promising. There were power points at the right height in all the rooms, taps in the bathroom waiting to be opened, the W.C. with its little inviting pool, cockroaches and insects in the darkest corners and cupboards full of clothes that she could pull out and scatter. Opportunities were endless, or so it seemed with Maya around.

  Mornings were the best when Raghu was getting ready to leave for work and Kamala was bustling around him. The next peak time was soon after lunch when Kamala's reflexes slowed and often she did not notice Maya slip out of the bed. A sudden noise would startle her and bring her rushing to the spot. Those were the times when Kamala was grateful for Amrita's docility and diffidence. It was so easy to forget her. In fact, if it hadn't been for Revabehn, Kamala might not have remembered the older girl at all.

  The maid fussed over Amrita from the time she came to work till she left. She seated the girl behind her and washed clothes or scoured vessels. Sucking a thumb and holding on to the old woman's skirt with the other hand, the little girl followed her from room to room as she swept and mopped the floor.

  Kamala might not notice Amrita but Maya did, like a bull to the colour red. Her very presence seemed to provoke the girl and she charged at her, pulling Amrita's hair or biting her.

  "Don't hurt your sister, Maya. You'll have to look after her some day," Kamala remonstrated, pulling one away from the other. "Ammu, don't cry. Your sister didn't mean to hurt you. She won't do it again, will you, Maya?"

  "Words never cured anybody," Revabehn snorted. "Why don't you use a stick? She's much stronger than you think. A few sharp whacks will cure wilful children like her. A chit of a girl, scaring the life out of her sister! What will happen when they grow up?"

  "I just cannot punish anyone. Argue, try to make them understand, yes. But I could never raise my hand even when my brothers irritated me nor now, to make my daughter understand the difference between right and wrong," Kamala protested weakly.

  "If she had been my child, I would have cured her in no time," Revabehn continued her condemnation.

  "She will calm down when she's older but Ammu should also show some spunk. She can't let her younger sister trample all over her like this. Why don't you teach her to toughen up?

  "Can you make a kitten face a tiger? If at all anyone has to change, it has to be your spitfire. My baby won't."

  Far from reducing, Maya's inexplicable ferocity grew, sending her sister deeper into her shell. Finally, Kamala enrolled Amrita in a school hoping that the teachers and the other children may work the wonder that neither she nor Revabehn could effect. It didn't. Amrita became even more fearful and timid. Loud noises startled her and proximity with so many children increased her susceptibility to cold and throat infections. To make matters worse, her teachers constantly complained about her inadequacies and backwardness. Kamala often went to the school and tried to convince them otherwise but not a single teacher saw the child as she herself did – docile, introverted but affectionate.

  "We cannot handle such a child. She clearly needs special attention and that is not possible in a class of 50 or 55," said one teacher.

  "Please give her a little more time. She may settle down soon," Kamala pleaded and won a temporary reprieve. She had to think of an alternative arrangement and couldn't come up with any.

  "Why seek my advice now?" asked Raghu. "Did you ask me before getting her admission? You know very well that Amrita can't cope with the rigour of a regular school. For heaven's sake, don't be in a hurry to send Maya away as well and then come cribbing to me."

  "Another two months and then I'll see. Maybe she would have adjusted by then."

  "Fine, but don't complain to me again. I have nothing to do with this."

  Kamala couldn't pinpoint exactly when Raghu detached himself from the family affairs. The rope had slackened as gently and unobtrusively as the children grew. Somewhere along the line she stopped telling him what happened at home in his absence and he did not try to find out.

  His duty is to give my girls and me food and shelter. At least he's doing this. Any other man may have deserted us altogether, she thought in her more charitable moments. Sometimes though, she confronted him.

  "It doesn't matter that you don't have any time for me but that little girl, Ammu. . . she should know her father. Why don't you take over her training while I play with Maya?" she asked one day.

  "Why the sudden shift in your argument? You wouldn't involve me in whatever you did with her as a kid. 'I am following the books,' you used to say those days and keep me out. After reading so much if you couldn't help her how can I? Moreover, where do I have the time, tell me," he argued, silencing her.

  He couldn't do the same with Maya though. She waited for him to return from office, demanded he take her to the playground and play with her like other fathers did with their children.

  "Come appa, I've been waiting for you. Revabehn shouts at me and amma's always busy," she insisted.

  "Teach your sister how to play."

  "No use, appa. She doesn't know anything other than crying 'boo. . . hoo. . .' all the time!"

  When Raghu could no longer handle Maya, he got her admitted in the same school as Amrita. Now Kamala had to worry about both her children and Amrita collected complaints as easily as a well gathers moss on its wall. One day the headmistress summoned Kamala and issued an ultimatum.

  "Either you withdraw the child or we'll expel her. Put her in a special school. That'll be the best for her. She's out of place here. The children tease her and they all get distracted. I don't want parents to complain about her influence on their children. The younger one is all right, very naughty but she should not be much of a problem. . . I hope."

  Kamala no longer wanted to plead for time. She couldn't bear the daily drama that marked Amrita leaving for school. Raghu would wait with Maya in the car while she tried to persuade Amrita to join them, the sound of his impatient horn aggravating the girl's resistance. Some days he got so incensed by the delay that either he left without her or else he rushed inside, grabbed her and threw her into the car. Her wails grew fainter with distance but Kamala would be so shaken that she had to lie down till her heartbeat became normal. Now, with Amrita at home she had one worry less.

  Maya was troublesome in her own way. She did not like the confinement but revelled in the company of so many children who were only too willing to play with her. She led them from prank to prank and faithfully told her mother what punishment she had received from her teachers.

  "I pinched Ram. He was pulling my hair so I gave him one nice pinch. He cried. The teacher made me stand in a corner."

  "I didn't feel sleepy today afternoon. Asha Madam told me to sit on her table as I was disturbing the other children."

  "Why can't I stay at home like Amrita? I don't want to learn writing. Singing is all right. I can shout and nobody will notice."

  "It will be very boring for you at home. You don't want to play with your sister. What else will you do?" asked Kamala, helping Maya put on her uniform.

  "Okay, I'll play with her. You can teach me too like you teach her sometimes."

  "Those lessons are boring. I can't teach you songs or tell you stories like your teachers do."

  "But they tell the same stories everyday. 'Once upon a time. . .'" she mimicked making
her mother laugh.

  "I thought you liked school. You can wear a nice frock like this one, take tiffin in a box. . ."

  "I don't want to wear frocks any more. I'm going to become a boy. Get me shorts and cut my hair or I won't go to school."

  Before Kamala could say anything, her husband intervened, "Stop this nonsense. Time you became less playful. In any case, girls must have long hair."

  "But Ram pulls my hair!"

  "Don't start wailing now. Tell your teacher and she will punish him. Hurry up, it's getting late. I've to drop you and then go to office," he ordered.

  Ram soon grew tired of pulling her hair but he didn't stop troubling Maya, nor did she give up retaliating.

  "Maya, Maya. . . why don't you understand?" Kamala tried to control her exasperation. "What will happen if the headmistress expels you from school too?"

  "Was Amrita expelled?"

  "N. . . o. . . not expelled. The teachers felt they couldn't handle her. You know she's different from you. She needs to go to another school, a place for children like her."

  "Then Ram was right. She is mad, isn't she?"

  Kamala slapped the girl's cheek sharply.

  "Don't use that word again. She's only different from you. That is not the samething."

  Maya stood dazed for a moment then she turned and ran upstairs. Kamala was shocked too. Shocked that she had struck her daughter! With heavy steps she climbed up to the girls' room. Maya was lying on the bed, face buried in her crossed arms. Her narrow back heaved in sorrow and anger but that didn't stop her from brushing away her mother's hand.

  "I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm sorry. You're still too young to understand why I got angry with you.

  "I'll tell appa what you did," she threatened in a muffled voice.