Complicated

by M. M. Koenig

  “Trey, I was about to call you. Micah’s awake. The doctors are letting him manage things on his own without sedation,” Lyla said happily. The smile vanished from her face when she took in our somber stances. “I can tell that you don’t have good news. Please spare my son. I don’t think he can handle much more,” she pleaded.

  “We aren’t here to hurt him,” I spoke up, edging closer to her.

  “He’s been asking for you,” Lyla whispered in my ear.

  I rested a hand on her shoulder and hesitantly said, “If it’s OK, I’d like to see him.”

  “Yes, only you though,” Lyla permitted, hugging me briefly.

  The rest of them nodded as they followed her out of the hallway. I gave them a parting glance while doing my best to remain somewhat with it. All Micah had wanted was a little bit of time from me. I never gave it to him. This was my chance to rectify that mistake. After entering his room, I inhaled sharply. The various machines hooked up to him hit me like a sucker punch to my gut. Bandages covered the majority of his face and parts of his exposed arms.

  I wrapped my hands around myself to remain calm. As I took in every injury Micah had on his once-pristine body, my self-hatred grew. Everything he had done was to protect me from this sort of danger. He ended up paying the price for my unwillingness to hear him out. Though most of his face remained invisible, I could see his eyes and they were closed. It was the only thing that brought any peace to my mangled insides, because the beeps of the machines were tapping into the part of me that was about to go insane from everything. Several tears fell from my eyes when his face contorted with pain.

  After about ten minutes, he finally stirred. “Mia,” he uttered.

  The tone of his voice sliced me in two. My name came out as a plea. I inhaled deeply to fight off the growing weight in my chest. “Yeah, it's me. Just close your eyes,” I whispered.

  “We need to talk. There are things you need to know,” Micah breathed around the tube in his mouth before trying to pull it away.

  I grabbed his hand to keep him from causing any harm. The machines started beeping louder as he wrestled around to see me. I squeezed his hand tightly to urge him to relax. He let out a soft sigh with that very simple touch.

  “I figured it out. I'm so sorry for everything. Please don't die,” I begged.

  Micah forced his eyelids open to look at me. His midnight-blue eyes almost broke the dam I had put up to prevent everything from gushing out. The look in them expressed the depth of love he still carried for me. He gripped my hand tighter while running his fingers lightly across my palm. “I hated what I had to do in order to get to the actual truth. There aren't very many things in my life that I regret, but that’s the moment I’d take back in a heartbeat. I go back to it every day. My mind replays it over and over to find any way that wouldn’t have left me without you,” Micah admitted, anguished.

  I sniffed. “We’ll talk about this more when you’re better. You have to get better Micah. I can't lose you.”

  He tugged on my hand to bring me closer. His breathing became uneasy as a wave of pain coursed through him. His eyelids closed as he rode out the agony. When it passed, he looked at me in discomfort and said, “Please lay with me. Mia, I need you.”

  Between the obvious pain he was in and the desperation in his voice, I leapt to aid him. The need to soothe him in any way beat out every other emotion in me. The only thing holding a candle in that race was the heavy guilt I carried for being the main reason for this nightmare. My hand remained in his while I carefully situated myself next to him. I rested my head on the pillow near his head where I took in every slow breath that pumped through him with the help of the crazy amount of machines around us. After I climbed in with Micah, the beeping came to a noticeable steadiness, almost a symphony.

  “Mia, I still love you,” Micah whispered.

  Hearing the devotion in his tone made the tears I was suppressing fall immediately. I gently rested my free arm against his waist and gave him a subtle brush, hoping it would ease some of his pain. “I know. You don't have to tell me,” I murmured, guilt-ridden.

  “My heart is still yours. It always will be,” Micah rasped.

  The beeping of the machines escalated. I panicked when they showed no sign of slowing down. Micah was getting worked-up because of me. It was time for me to go, if only to ensure that he didn’t put too much stress on his battered body.

  “Micah, a part of me will always love you. We’ve been through too much together for that not to be the case,” I said softly.

  My words seemed to satisfy him, because the beeping slowed down some. As we lay there, he eventually fell back to sleep. I gently maneuvered myself out of his bed and gave him a tender kiss on the forehead. He sighed, but didn’t wake up. I walked out of his room and sank to the floor before letting go to the sobs. After giving into that moment of weakness, I pushed myself to move again. I steadied my heavy breathing while wiping away tears on my way into the waiting room.

  “Is Micah OK?” Lyla asked nervously.

  “Yes, he’s fine. He fell back asleep. He needs his rest so I left,” I answered quietly.

  Her eyes assessed mine for a good minute before she rested a hand on my cheek. “You look like you have matters to tend to, so you should go. I’ll keep you posted on Micah’s condition,” Lyla said before pulling me in for a tight hug.

  She held me the same way Lillian had earlier. It had to be a mother’s intuition to know when someone they care about was on the brink of losing it. In her arms, I broke down again. I cried for Micah, because I’d never be able to apologize for everything that had happened.

  “Mia, I knew this day was going to come. I never thought that anything like this would actually happen when the truth came out, but that’s part of life. We can’t predict the future and we can’t undo what’s already been done. Please try to remember that much as you move forward … and no matter what happens – I’ll always love you,” Lyla said before letting me go.

  I gave her a final squeeze before making my way out of the waiting room. Shane and Jackson jumped up to follow me. I turned around and held a hand up for them to stop. They exchanged worrisome glances. Bri seemed too distraught to register anything. I gestured for Trey to join me. He gazed at me uneasily before moving Bri off his lap and settling her back in the chair. Trey met me and we walked until we were out of earshot of the others. He faced me with an expectant eyebrow.

  “I want to leave on my own,” I whispered.

  “No, it’s not a good idea for you to be anywhere alone. Are you suicidal?” Trey hissed, crossing his arms.

  “No, I need a minute to deal with all of this on my own. I can’t do that with you guys dissecting my every move,” I said, narrowing my eyes.

  He glared at me. “Obviously we’re concerned for you. Given your track record today, what do you expect?”

  I shot my own set of daggers at him. “Seriously, like any of you would’ve handled things better than I did.”

  Trey huffed. “Fine, you have a point there. It’s shitty any way you cut it. Where do you plan on going?”

  “To the pier,” I blurted.

  “It’s raining icicles,” he pointed out.

  I shrugged. “Trey, we could be in a blizzard for all I care. I guarantee you I won’t feel it. If I’m gone longer than a couple of hours, feel free to send the Scooby squad after me. I’m not running or about to do anything crazy. I just need to be alone. It’s a lot for me to swallow,” I said, motioning to Micah’s room.

  Trey squinted his eyes, clearly in debate. He took a rigid breath and relented, “Fine, but you call me every hour you’re gone. I don’t like the idea of letting you go on your own, but I understand why you need it. I could use it too.”

  I looked away as guilt consumed me before mumbling, “If you need time Trey, you should take it. This entire mess doesn’t mean you have to be a rock for us all. I can understand if you have your own issues to sort out. I’m really sorry it comes back
to me.”

  Trey sighed. “It’s not your fault. I don’t know how many times we need to tell you that, but one day you’re going to have to believe it.”

  I shook my head in disagreement. As I started to walk past him, Trey hauled me in for a tender hug before he whispered, “Mia, please don’t do anything stupid. It’ll break me if you do.”

  I nodded at him with wide eyes. He had never been that open with me. He gave me a tight squeeze before I walked away. I refrained from looking back at the other three as my feet picked up their pace down the hallway.

  Bri jumped up, but Trey caught her in his arms. “Mia! Where the hell are you going?”

  I looked over my shoulder to see Trey tighten his grip around her. Jackson and Shane had leapt up as well, but Lyla blocked their paths and gave them a warning look to take a seat. She understood what Trey was doing for me. They sat back down in defeat. I didn’t look back and made my way out of the hospital with every intention of keeping my wits together. My tears had dried up so I was done crying for the time being. The thing I took comfort in the most as I walked down that hallway was that everyone I cared about was no longer with me. I was a lightning rod for devastation. If they weren’t with me, I couldn’t hurt them.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  Secrets and Lies

  As I drove, the sky emptied in a relentless fashion, almost as if it was shedding every tear inside of me that I refused to let free. If that was the case, I didn’t foresee clear skies for a very long time. To my amazement, I managed to make it to the pier without crashing. As I got out of my car I welcomed the icy rain. Each pelt came down and sliced a piece of me away. It was precisely what I needed. I didn’t want to fall apart at the seams. I wanted to sever every inch of me that I had so much disgust for that I could barely contain it. My entire existence had brought nothing but pain to so many people. I walked along feeling completely lost. The pier had shut down for the season. I gazed at the boards on all the shops. I wanted to do that with my emotions. I wanted to shut it all off forever – and not go back again until next season, if ever.

  Eventually, I was at the end of the pier. I leaned against the railing to watch the angry waves on the lake. The sleet became soothing in a world that no longer felt like my own. I tried to remember the person I was a few days ago, but it was useless – she was gone.

  “I heard you might be here,” his deep voice echoed in the distance.

  I didn’t bother turning around. Regardless of whether I acknowledged his presence, Ethan made it known as he encased me against the railing. As he pressed into me, my body stirred, but my heart started to break. I literally had no control over what was happening. Part of me yearned to fall deeper into his embrace and let go of everything I was bottling up. The other side screamed that I should run away from him because he could no longer be trusted. Even more confusing was his touch – I felt him in all parts of me. He ran through every seam, and with it how much I loved him, even after everything I had just learned. I was still hopelessly in love with him.

  “Mia, please look at me,” Ethan pleaded.

  “You seem awfully comfortable saying that name. Are you sure you don’t want to throw out my other one for kicks?” I sneered.

  “I wanted to tell you. When I realized you didn’t know, I figured there was a reason for it. The idea of telling you what I found out terrified me because of the danger that could come to you by knowing it,” Ethan whispered, wrapping his arms around me.

  “That’s a bullshit reason! Stop lying to me! Tell me the truth!” I screamed.

  What he had said was a load of crap. I tried to move away, but he had my arms locked.

  “Stop trying to get away from me. I told you I don’t plan on letting you go. That certainly hasn’t changed – and it never will,” Ethan said evenly.

  “If you stand any chance at keeping me in your life, you better start explaining yourself!”

  “I’m sorry. I should’ve told you but I knew it would hurt you. All I’ve wanted to do since I discovered the truth is protect you. I can’t lose you.”

  The sleet beat down around us as lightning flashed in the sky. The bitterness in the wind was working in my favor. It prevented my body from reacting the way it normally did around Ethan. I kept my back to him. I wanted to keep the very little distance he was willing to give us.

  “You lied to me out west. You said Sean and Colin had me confused with someone else, when in reality, they didn’t at all. You knew! How many of your friends know?” I asked, clenching my jaw.

  Ethan held me tighter as I continued to struggle against him. “What?” he stammered.

  “I thought it was a dream. I heard you talking to your friends. They urged you to tell me the truth but you ended up lying to me anyway,” I snapped, wrestling against his hands.

  “Most of them don’t know. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I told you I would when I had all the details. I still don’t have everything yet. I still need to find a way to eliminate any danger you’re in,” Ethan justified in a stern tone.

  “When did you figure out who I was? I already have the timeline but I want you to tell the truth for once,” I cried. My body started to shake with the amount of anger surging through it. My frustration with myself, mixed in with my rage with Ethan, was more than my body could physically handle without imploding soon.

  “I put the pieces together the weekend you were in Miami. After you told me the truth about being at the company, I started to put some thought into everything. Everyone’s interest in you, along with your outburst about your scar, didn’t sit right with me,” he admitted, as his arms steadied my uncontrollable shaking.

  “You sent me off more or less hating myself for lying to you. That very weekend you began your own series of lies. You’re such a fucking hypocrite!” I yelled.

  “I stand by the reason in my letter. I needed space from you. I honestly didn’t piece everything together until I was about to come home, which is why I ended up staying longer,” Ethan answered calmly.

  Willing to risk whatever happened next, I turned around to face him. I wanted him to see how badly he had hurt me. He deserved to feel an ounce of the raw pain I had felt every second I kept the truth from him. It was difficult to keep my eyes open with the sleet pouring against us. It was long enough for him to see the despair behind them, and sadness swept across his face. He tried to bring me into his chest but I stiffened. He didn’t push me, but he didn’t release me either. He lowered his hands to my waist with a firm grip.

  “I don’t know if I believe you.”

  Ethan stared at me, more resolved than ever, and said, “Mia, I didn’t have things pin-pointed until Sunday night, and that was with Tristan’s help. Even then, it was only a portion of it.”

  I huffed. “If that’s true, explain why you reacted the way you did after I fell.”

  “Huh,” Ethan stuttered.

  I closed my eyes and counted to ten to prevent my head from exploding. I opened my eyes with the wrath of God behind them. “When I fell on the lake, I had a flash from the past. I asked who Sophia was. You stopped breathing, so you knew at that point. When we spoke later that afternoon, you had the chance to tell me that much, but you withheld it. You lied to me, you bastard!” I shouted.

  Ethan looked away. “I did that for several different reasons.”

  Thunder clapped around us as the wind picked up. Ethan shuddered against the cold. I remained oblivious to it. He tried to move me closer, only to have me become even more rigid in his hold. “Mia, if I told you that part, it would’ve only put you in harm’s way. I told you the truth. I said I’d hold back anything that would endanger your life,” he justified.

  “Ethan, you elected not to tell me who I really was. How are you missing the point?”

  “I understand what you’re saying, and that you’re angry, but I remain resolved in doing everything in my power to protect you. I couldn’t say anything without having an escape plan for you, but you went behind
my back to find it out anyway. You promised you believed me, but here we are back at square one.”

  I slapped him with the force of a heavyweight boxer. Ethan didn’t even flinch.

  “You’re an asshole! How can you possibly throw that in my face after what you’ve done? Every argument we’ve ever had revolved around your company or Harrison. Every time you became angry beyond reason with me. On top of that, you let me continue to harbor so much guilt for lying to you when you were doing the same thing to me!”

  “I told you I had some tough decisions to make when we were out west. This was one of them. I’m sorry. I never meant for you to find this out on your own.”

  “I wasn’t on my own,” I snapped.

  I looked away from him in disgust. If Ethan would’ve come clean with me, I could‘ve avoided having so many other people involved in this horror story. I had a feeling the more people carrying the weight of this situation on their shoulders, the more they needed a gun and a bulletproof vest to keep them safe. As I shuddered at that thought, Mother Nature shifted the tides and the sleet changed to a heavy rain.

  “Mia, look at me,” Ethan begged.

  I tilted my chin towards him. His hands framed my face firmly. My body betrayed me as those spots stirred to life with his touch. Other parts of me started to spark as my rage began to morph into an entirely different blaze. It made me more than furious with myself that I couldn’t control it either. I pushed his hands away, wound up, and slapped him again. Ethan remained still as a statue.

  Dammit, I want a reaction out of him!

  I began beating against his chest. Ethan let me go for a few seconds before he locked my wrists and tugged me into his chest. It forced me to listen to the steady beat of his heart. My body surged with the undeniable love I had for him. It twisted and turned with everything else in me and I began to slowly fall apart. The walls holding me together broke with each beat. With the rain pouring down, I finally let go to the ache inside. My eyes welled with tears that poured as heavy as the rain. My legs grew weaker with each sob. Ethan held me next to him as our knees hit the ground.