Complicated

by M. M. Koenig

  “Why would you keep this from me?” I sobbed.

  “Baby, I wanted to tell you every day. I didn’t want to break you that way, especially knowing how badly you had already been broken,” Ethan answered, saddened.

  Before I could ask another question, his lips crashed against mine. They silenced the sobs pouring out of me in time with the torrent of water falling from the sky. I resisted at first, but with his kiss came a shred of what felt right in a world that had become so lonely. My lips carried on against the anger as I let go to the side of my heart that still had so much love for him. My mind and my heart remained in conflict as my mouth opened further to allow him access to a part of me I’d probably never be able to deny. Our kiss had so much love and despair that it was almost too overwhelming to handle. With each swoop of the tongue, I felt love rising and dying inside of me. As I remained lost in his taste and touch, Ethan brought us to our feet.

  “We should get out of this storm,” he murmured against my lips.

  I didn’t answer. I didn’t know what direction to head in next. I didn’t want to go home. I wasn’t ready to go back to the hospital. I didn’t have a place in the world where I felt like I belonged anymore. Ethan looked at me with the same measure of heartbreak and love in his eyes that I felt in my heart. He started tugging us back to where I left my car.

  “Let’s go,” Ethan commanded.

  “I have nowhere to go,” I whispered.

  “You’ll go with me. You belong with me, Mia,” Ethan said vehemently.

  My feet remained planted to the ground. I wasn’t sure about anything, including us. Ethan let out an agonized sigh and placed my hands right over his heart. I gazed at him in awe as he leaned his forehead to mine.

  “Do you hear that Mia?” Ethan asked.

  I nodded. Even with the rain pouring down, I heard the loud beat of his heart.

  “It’s yours. It always will be. I’m yours, and you’re mine,” Ethan professed avidly.

  “I really hate you right now, but my heart is filled with more love for you than hate. I don’t know what that all means, but I’m too exhausted to figure it out,” I admitted as another tear fell.

  Ethan wiped it away before giving me a gentle kiss. He urged me along with him. I followed without thought. My brain was far too tired to fight with him any longer. Ethan directed us to his car and gently set me inside. With my head against the headrest, my eyes immediately shut as every ounce of me welcomed a break from the world.

  “Ahhh …” I scream at the top of my lungs at the excruciating pain. One man has my legs and the other man leans above me holding my arm tightly. I try to scream again, but his free hand clamps my mouth shut. I can hear my mommy screaming as she tries to free herself to get to me. I can’t see or hear my daddy. When they hit him, he fell over, but held on to me for as long as he could. I can’t stop crying. It hurts so much.

  Tears drip down my face as my arm continues to burn. I hear my mommy scream louder as something nears my wrist again. I squirm but the men squeeze even tighter to keep me still. My legs and arms start to hurt as bad as my wrist. The rod that hit my wrist is red-hot. I wiggle as hard as I can. I don’t want it to happen again.

  “Quit fucking moving kid or we’ll do it to both wrists,” the man above me warns as his stinky breath swims across my face. He smells yucky and it looks like he hasn’t taken a bath in days. My nose crinkles. I don’t think about the smell much longer as the rod hits my wrist again. I bite the man’s hand and scream as the pain goes up my arm.

  “Sophia!” I hear my mommy wail.

  “Mommy!”

  I try to get away but a fist hits the side of my head and everything around me goes black.

  “Ahhh …” I screamed, thrashing to the side to free myself from the arms around me.

  “Mia!” Ethan cried, dragging me into his chest and sitting up with me.

  My entire body was slick with sweat as terror washed through me. I shook uncontrollably as phantom pain ran along my right arm, shredding every nerve-ending in its path. I tried to get air into my body, only to have it struggle to pass through me.

  “Baby, it’s alright. You’re safe,” Ethan assured, his voice ridden with anxiety.

  I inched my eyes open to see his torn face. I couldn’t stop the burn as it erupted through my arm like a match had been lit with a healthy trail of ethanol to keep it flaming for hours. I loosened his grip. Ethan freed my arms and massaged his hands along my back.

  “Mia, please talk to me.”

  I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing came out. My attention drifted to finding air – it seemed more important than speaking anyway. Ethan pressed me against his chest as he continued to urge me to breathe.

  After a bit, I whispered, “Umm … I think I had a nightmare.”

  “I gathered that much when you woke up screaming. What happened?” Ethan asked as he lightly ran his hands along my back.

  My hand fell to his thigh and I stared at my wrist. My arm twitched as if it was feeling the pain for the first time. Ethan inhaled sharply before placing his hand over mine to keep my scar out of view.

  “I remember how it happened now,” I confessed, agonized.

  Ethan ran feather-light strokes along my back, but my body wasn’t relaxing with his touch. It was very much alive and full of fear. “I’m so sorry Mia. If you were ever to have a memory come back to you, I hoped it wouldn’t be that one,” Ethan breathed.

  “It was just a flash. I don’t recall much, other than the pain,” I mumbled.

  Ethan held me even tighter before lying on his back. I buried myself into his body and wished for numbness. Lying in the dark only made my entire body succumb to even more dread.

  “Please turn on the light,” I asked quietly.

  Ethan sat up quickly. Rather than remain next to him, I swung my legs off the bed, rested my elbows on my knees, and rubbed my face to try and erase the memory. The lamp from his nightstand illuminated the room moments later. I looked around for my clothes to find my phone. Self-hatred crept into me when I remembered promising to check in with Trey. I beat the mattress until Ethan stopped me.

  “Ethan, let me go,” I snapped.

  His grip around me didn’t lessen. He wrapped each of his legs around me before pulling me into his chest. The fire that had coursed through my arm enhanced my fury with him. I longed to be free from anyone pushing me on a path against my wishes.

  “Ethan, I mean it. Let me go,” I warned.

  “No, I have no intention of letting you go. Not now, not ever,” Ethan responded steadily.

  “I have to call Trey. I should’ve called him hours ago.”

  “I spoke with him. He knows you’re with me.”

  Ethan kept an arm around my waist as we shuffled out of the bedroom towards the living room. The full moon filled it with light. My airway closed again when my eyes drifted past his couch. Trey was sound asleep on it, with Bri in his arms. Ethan wheeled us around and directed us towards his den. Once he opened the door, the sounds of hip-hop streaming from the speakers filled my ears. Jackson and Shane were bickering over a game of pool. Ethan cleared his throat to get their attention. Jackson’s face brightened, but Shane’s remained in a scowl as he stared at Jackson.

  “Mia, can you please tell this pussy that it’s ball-in-hand if he sinks the cue? He seems to have forgotten the basics of the game,” Jackson joked.

  My lips quivered as I watched my boys. They were doing exactly what I needed by being who they are with me no matter what the circumstance was.

  “Fuck you! You can’t help the ball into the pocket and act like that’s me sinking it. You’re a goddamn cheater. You always have been!” Shane fired back.

  “Sorry Jackson. You’re well-known for your cheating ways,” I agreed.

  Shane arched an eyebrow at Jackson. “I call a mulligan. Give me the damn ball so I can shoot again, you cheating bastard,” he shouted, extending his hand.

  Jackson’s tongue slid along
his lip ring while his eyes asked for a few minutes alone. I tilted my head to Ethan and softly asked, “Can you give me a moment to talk to them privately?”

  “Of course, I’ll be in the bedroom,” Ethan answered, placing a tender kiss on my head before strolling out of the room.

  “Are you OK Mia? We heard you screaming. Ethan seemed to have it under control so we didn’t intrude,” Jackson remarked, his face tense.

  My eyes fell to the floor as the nightmare traveled through me again. I didn’t want either of them to see that pain in my eyes. After a minute, I looked around the room and saw a basketball on one of the shelves. I walked over to it and twirled it on my fingers. Shane placed his pool stick down before carefully approaching me. He intercepted the ball as I was about to transition it back to my other hand.

  “I had a nightmare,” I admitted.

  “Mia, you promised to tell us the truth,” Jackson persisted.

  “We can only be there for you if you let us in,” Shane pressed.

  I gave Shane a deliberate look to give me the basketball. If they wanted the truth, I wanted the ball. Shane tossed it over. I ran my fingers along the leather to find the peace it always gave me. Failing to find any, I returned it to the shelf.

  “I relived receiving the scar,” I whispered.

  “Shit. Are you OK?” Jackson asked, alarmed.

  I gave him a look that made it quite obvious that I wasn’t answering stupid questions.

  I mean really. Of course I’m not OK. I’m not even in the neighborhood.

  Shane smacked him across the back of the head. I chuckled as Jackson’s hand flew up to retaliate. It fell just as quick when Shane raised both eyebrows, more or less goading him to give it a try. He’d be on his back if he did. Jackson heeded the warning and gave me his attention.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked quietly.

  “After you left the hospital, Bri called Ethan,” Shane responded tightly.

  “I figured someone looped him in on my whereabouts,” I replied, annoyed.

  “Mia, you can’t be angry with us. You keep trying to run, but we’re going to keep following you. You’re not alone. We aren’t going to leave you. Neither is Ethan. It’s the only reason he’s still breathing,” Jackson muttered, scowling.

  They crossed their arms over their chests. I raised an eyebrow for them to elaborate.

  “We’ve all taken our rounds with him,” Shane clarified in a clipped tone.

  “Some of us spoke with our fists rather than our words,” Jackson added, just as tense.

  “Will you please just tell me why you’re here?” I asked, exasperated.

  “For a smart girl, you sure can be a dumbass at times,” Jackson replied, amused.

  “Mia, we’re here for you. We know you. You’re going to internalize this and end up doing something stupid. We’re here to make sure that doesn’t happen,” Shane explained.

  “We may not be able to erase what you found out, but we can help you move forward from it,” Jackson added.

  I stared at my right arm. It no longer felt like flames were engulfing it, but it wasn’t numb either. I shivered as the flash went through my mind again. The depths of evil that existed in the world were never lost on me. The scar had been a source of frustration throughout my life. I never stopped wanting to know the truth behind it. Now that I had a portion of it, I wanted nothing more than to shove it all back into Pandora’s Box. Science had taught us that for every action, there was a reaction – for every cause, there was an effect. My parent’s decisions had led to that scar.

  I swallowed down the vomit as my own poor decisions flitted through my head. When I accepted Harrison’s offer, I was naïve to believe I’d be the only one that would pay if something went horribly wrong. Shane and Jackson’s faces stiffened as they waited for me to say something. I brought myself out of the fear that had frozen me to the floor.

  “I left everything Jayden gave me on the floor of your truck. Is it still there?” I asked.

  Jackson ran a hand through his messy hair and said, “I gave it to Ethan when we got here.”

  I scowled. “I’ll go and retrieve what’s mine. I don’t trust him at the moment.”

  They flinched at the bite in my tone. I was nowhere near content with anything of mine being in Ethan’s possession. To say we had issues was beyond apparent at this point.

  “Is everyone spending the night here?”

  Shane nodded as his eyes became wary as he answered, “Ethan invited us to stay. It was part of the compromise.”

  “What?” I asked, irritated.

  “We wanted Ethan to bring you home, but he refused. We’re not willing to let you be around him without us, so he extended the invite to crash here until you …” Jackson trailed off. His eyes fell to the floor as he anxiously toyed with his lip ring.

  “Until I what?” I pressed harshly.

  Shane glanced at me with the same amount of restlessness as Jackson and definitively said, “Until you decide how you want to handle this situation. Until then, you’re going to have constant surveillance.”

  “Lovely. For the record, I don’t need babysitters,” I snapped, curling my fists together.

  “Well, you can’t really be trusted either,” Jackson retorted, narrowing his eyes to a glare.

  I winced. I was about as trustworthy as Ethan probably was in their eyes. I couldn’t really crucify anyone when it came to telling the truth.

  “Mia, I didn’t mean it that way. Ethan knows your main concern is to keep us safe. We know that too. Staying under the same roof eliminates that from your worries,” Jackson said, his face softening.

  “I’m really over you guys discussing my life without me,” I grumbled.

  “Too bad you’re going to have to get used to it,” Shane said with a smirk.

  My hands loosened as my feet carried me to the door. “I should get back to Ethan.”

  Their eyes wished me luck before they returned to the pool table. I opened the door without any real desire to return to Ethan. I wasn’t really sure what to think about him anymore.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  Where Do We Go From Here?

  I slid down the wall in the hallway, brought my knees to my chest, and rested my chin on them. I thought about my talk with Ethan at the pier. I knew in my heart that I was still in love with him, but I wasn’t sure it was enough to stay with him. Micah crept into my thoughts, along with everything he had done to protect me. I wasn’t in love with him, but I still loved him. I finally had come terms with that much. Knowing what I do now, I had such an overpowering feeling of guilt and resentment for myself about what happened between us. We never got our closure. That pain engulfed me like an open wound with salt seeping into it. I had let hate consume me. It destroyed the love that was once there. If I had heard Micah out, he more than likely would have never been hurt. If I would’ve opened up my heart enough to finish his letter, I may have prevented any of this from happening. Instead, I let hate eat me alive – and it had gutted me from the inside out.

  I had no one to blame for what was happening but myself. I had no sense of direction for the days to come. Everyone was waiting on me to make a choice. My faith had been all but shattered in the last few days – hell, the last year. I had no reason to believe I could make the right decisions. Everything I did in the last year had been purely selfish or deceitful. I wasn’t worthy of the people around me, yet here they were refusing to leave me. Ethan’s door creaked open and his silhouette filled the frame. I let out a drawn-out breath before pushing myself up from the floor. I strode towards him without making eye contact.

  As I neared, Ethan moved to the side before following me. I went to his window and blankly stared at the skyline. The rain had finally stopped. The sky was a breathtaking shade of blue, framing the full moon. I glanced over my shoulder to see him sitting on the bed, clearly worried. I went over to the other side. The tension spoke volumes, almost louder than the quiet breaths passing between
us.

  “Jackson said he gave you the laptop and some other stuff of mine. Obviously, the computer is yours, but I want the rest,” I mumbled.

  Ethan sighed. “Yes, it’s in my office.”

  I rolled over to go and get it. Before my feet hit the ground, his hands tightened around my hips. He slid across the bed and kneeled behind me with his head rested on the back of my neck. My entire body tensed. I wanted to cry from mixture of emotions running through me. I arched my back away from him. My heart ached unbearably from distancing myself from him, but I needed the space to take my next breath. As I inched away, tears trickled into my shoulder. My chest tightened and tears started to drip down my own face. I didn’t want to hurt him – and I didn’t want to be hurt by him. Our situation was slowly ripping me apart.

  “What’s happening to us?” Ethan whispered.

  “I can’t keep my head straightened out on one thought long enough to even think about what the future has for us, or if there will even be an us in it,” I forced out.

  My throat had closed up. The idea of losing him devastated me. The revelation of all these secrets had more than fucked me up. The blender of emotions churning inside of me served as a constant reminder. I yearned to switch it off so my poor body could take a break.

  “Please don’t give up on us,” Ethan said frantically.

  More tears cascaded into my neckline and I continued to cry with him.

  “Ethan, we’ve tried to develop a relationship built on a foundation of lies. We might as well be standing on quicksand. You don’t have enough faith that I won’t lie to you. Now, the same goes for me. It’s been nothing but secrets and lies with us,” I pointed out.

  He lifted me onto his lap and wrapped my legs securely around him. My body twitched as he held me tightly. He pressed his forehead against mine and took even breaths before forcing me to look into his deep brown eyes. My tears increased as I remembered my very first memory of his eyes – how I had thought they were a window to all of life’s secrets. As it turned out, they were, but he’d failed to share the most important secret of my life. My body and heart carried on in contrast. One felt the calm of his touch and the other cracked at the deceit between us.