When I woke up it was still dark in the room. I knew it was late and I couldn’t stay all night. I eased out from underneath her, neither she nor the dog moved. I kissed her on the forehead and smiled down at her. A memory of Olivia in the same position when she had the flu one year played in my mind. Will it always be like this, does this mean I’m not ready to move on yet? Quietly turning the door knob, locking the bottom lock from the inside, I shut the door as quiet as I could. In my car I sent her a text:
1:28AM You were sleeping so peacefully, didn’t want to wake you. Thank you for dinner and a movie. A
On the drive home I was feeling conflicted. I was still mourning the death of my wife, and I was starting to have feelings for Willow. How can I keep feeling both of these at the same time? I feel guilty like I’m cheating on Olivia. In my mind, I know she’s gone, but my heart is just not letting go. Tomorrow, well today is Saturday, maybe a heart to heart with Amelia might help. She’s always been my rock. Getting out of my car and into my house, I text Amelia. I know she’s sleeping, but she’ll get it first thing in the morning before she makes other plans.
1:40AM Hey sis, was wondering if you had some time to spend with your big brother? Need to talk. A
Putting my cell on the night stand emptying out my pockets, my cell vibrates.
1:42AM What are you doing up at this hour? Everything ok? A
1:42AM I could ask you the same question. A
1:43AM Just doing some work, was about to call it a night. A
1:44 Brunch? A
1:45AM Sure, Antonio’s at 11. A
1:45AM OK, see you there. A
Climbing into bed, my thoughts are torn between feeling guilty about Olivia and the possibilities of starting something new with Willow. As I fall asleep, the familiar voice of Olivia takes over my dream. But this one is different. This one isn’t a memory, it’s like she’s here. She is sitting on the beach with a sweet smile on her face and a bouquet of yellow roses sitting next to her. Yellow was her favorite color. I only ever gave her yellow roses. We have gone to the beach several times, but I have never been to this place. She stands and walks over taking my hand. She looks lovingly into my eyes. “Ash, my love. You are ready, it’s time for you to move on.”
“Olivia, I have missed you so much.” Embracing her in a hug, I can’t believe she is here talking to me. I feel tears falling down my cheek. She gently brings both hands to my face wiping away my tears with her thumbs.
“Ash. Don’t cry. You are such a good man, you have grieved my death far too long. Please, stop feeling like you are betraying me. What we had was irreplaceable. You were the love of my life. You will never forget our memories, but it is time for you to make new ones. To move on. Take a chance, Ash.”
“That was you. Telling me to take a chance, I don’t know if I am ready yet to move on. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready.”
Stepping up to brush her cheek to mine, she whispers in my ear, “Ash, you are ready, you don’t need my permission, and you will never be cheating on me. I want you to move on, to share with another woman the kind hearted man that I know you are. I love you, and I always will.” With a kiss on the cheek, I close my eyes. When I open them she is gone, it’s just the warm sun on my face rising in the horizon. Closing my eyes again, wishing she would come back when I open them again. When I open my eyes again, I’m in my bed, the sun from the window is warm on my face, and an equally warm, calming feeling in my chest.
At brunch sitting with Amelia, I share my last few weeks. Not going into too much detail, I wouldn’t want to tell Willow’s story if she didn’t want me to. I tell her how I feel guilty, somehow it feels like I’m cheating on Olivia.
“Asher, look at me. You are not cheating on Olivia. She would want you to be happy. Its been over three years, honey. We are all concerned about you. I don’t have any doubt in my mind Olivia would approve of you dating again.”
“Yes, so I’ve been told.”
“What do you mean?”
“Nothing. Is there anything at the office I need to be aware of?”
“Oh no you don’t. Tell me more about this woman. How did you meet?”
“Well that’s a strange story. She actually about ran me over on the sidewalk then she threw up on my shoes.”
“Eww, that’s gross. Hope she’s feeling better. So, why not ask her out on a date?”
“You know what, I think I will. In fact, I’m going to text her right now and see if maybe she’ll go out to dinner with me tonight.”
“There’s my Asher I know and love. I’m so proud of you.”
11:27AM I know it’s last minute but how about dinner tonight? I happen to know you still don’t have any real food in the house. A
11:30AM It is strange that you know what’s in my fridge, but sure where should I meet you? W
11:33AM Don’t be ridiculous I’ll pick you up at 6, no arguing. A
11:35AM Yeesh, OK bossy. Nothing fancy right? Still not feeling 100%. W
11:36AM No nothing fancy, if you’re not feeling well I can bring dinner to you. A
11:37AM No that’s OK, I haven’t been out in a while, it actually sounds nice. W
11:38AM OK then it’s a date. I’m at brunch with my sister. I’ll pick you up at 6. A
11:38AM OK, see you tonight. W
“Well, it looks like someone has a date tonight from the look on your face,” she says.
“Sure do, I can’t believe I’m actually back in the dating world.”
“You know, Mom and Dad are out of town this weekend. I was thinking we could all still get together at a restaurant. If your date goes well tonight, why don’t you bring her tomorrow? Its neutral ground, no parents involved, it’ll be fun. I’ll talk to the others, tell them to be cool about it.”
Thinking it over, I know we’ve only seen each other a few times, but I feel a connection to her. “I’ll see how tonight goes, I don’t want to scare her off introducing her to all of you loons.”
“Hey now, be nice. I have to go. Thanks for brunch, it’s nice to see you looking happy. And don’t worry about tonight. You’ll do just fine, just be yourself.”
Chapter 7
Willow
A date tonight. Am I crazy? I don’t even know what to wear, but a date with the handsome Asher, I couldn’t have wished for a better person to go out on a date with. I’m actually feeling better than I did this morning, I’m so nervous I have butterflies in my stomach. I pick out a casual knee length dress and a scarf around my neck paired with knee high boots. I spend a little extra time on my makeup and hair. I have to say I am incredibly lucky my hair hasn’t changed that much. My hair has thinned out just a little, but overall the combination of drugs and smaller amounts of chemo have left me with a full head of hair. Feeding Lucy her dinner, I glance at the clock, just fifteen minutes and he should be here.
With that, a knock at my door sends the butterflies into a frenzy in my stomach. Checking my reflection in the mirror one last time, I open the door to another beautiful arrangement of flowers.
“They are stunning, thank you. At this rate I think I‘ll have more flowers than the florist.”
“You’re welcome. Were you ready to go? I made reservations at this little bistro across town, we don’t want to be late.”
“Sure, let me grab my coat.”
“Allow me.” Taking my coat, he holds it out for me. I turn around and slip my arms in. He pulls the coat up and smooths it out at the shoulders. He rests his hands on my shoulders for a few seconds then he gently pulls my hair out from under my coat and gently places it back down, sending a shiver down my spine.
“Thank you.” Turning back around to face him, he is wearing a casual button up shirt with khaki pants with a chocolate brown leather jacket. He looks amazing.
“You look amazing.” Scrunching up my nose and closing my eyes, I realize I said that out loud.
“Thank you, but I should be saying that about you. You look beautiful. You look like you’re fe
eling better.”
As we walk out the door, I see his car sitting in the street, its black and sleek looking. I wonder what kind of car that is.
“Yes, I feel really good, thank you.” As we make it to the car, he opens the passenger door for me, and I slip into the luxurious leather seats. It has that new car smell. He walks around to the driver’s seat and slips in himself. He starts up the car and we make our way across town. Neither one of us has said anything.
“So, how did brunch with your sister go?” I ask, finally thinking of something to say.
“It was good, thanks for asking. I haven’t been able to spend much time with my family lately. I’ve been working a lot of hours recently.”
Pulling into the parking lot of the bistro, he opens his door and quickly comes around to the passenger side to open mine. He extends his hand to help me out of the car. He shuts the door and doesn’t let go of my hand. This is nice, I think to myself, as we walk hand in hand into the restaurant. He helps me off with my coat and drapes it over his arm.
“If you will excuse me for a moment, I just need to visit the restroom before we sit down.”
“Are you feeling alright? We don’t have to do this if this is too much for you. We can get take-out and go back to your place.”
“No, no, nothing like that. Go ahead and take a seat, I’ll just be a minute.” Walking away to the restroom, I hear him telling the hostess his name for the reservations but I wish I would have lingered a little longer to catch the last name. Checking myself in the mirror, I make sure my scarf is covering everything it needs to. I take a deep breath and head back out. I am met by the hostess who takes me to our table. Asher stands as I approach and moves around to my chair to pull it out, always the gentlemen. Taking his seat, we look at the menus, and I decide on Fettuccini Alfredo with grilled chicken. Asher orders the steak with roasted fingerling potatoes.
After placing our orders, the conversation is nothing like it was in the car. We have been talking through the whole meal, and I couldn’t have wished for a more perfect evening. Asher insists I order dessert, and I am pleasantly stuffed.
“My family usually gets together at my parents’ house for Sunday dinners. This week they are out of town on vacation. My brothers and sisters are meeting for dinner at a restaurant. If you felt up to it, would you have dinner with me tomorrow night?”
“You’re asking me out on a second date?” I really need to get my filter in check and stop blurting out everything I’m thinking.
“Yes, it’s just my two brothers and two sisters, it’s completely casual.”
Feeling embarrassed and giddy as a school girl, I accept the date. With that he pays the bill and we head back to his car. Always the gentlemen he opens the door and helps me in. The return drive seems like it takes half the time as it did to get to the restaurant and it’s still rather early. I wonder if I should invite him in. Will he think that I’m being presumptuous? I really like this guy, but I’m in no way ready for an intimate relationship. Most days I feel ugly with this port in my chest. It’s hard for me to even look at myself, much less think of a man looking at me. He shuts off the car and heads around to open my door. Stepping out, he walks me to my door.
“Thank you for a lovely evening, to be honest that is the best date I have ever had. It’s early, did you want to come in and watch another movie?” At least by asking him to come in, it alleviates the standing at the door thing wondering if he is going to kiss me goodnight or not.
“Sure, I would love to, as long as you are up to it.”
“I am. Stop worrying so much about me, I’m fine. I know you’ve seen me a few times where I wasn’t at my best, but really it’s not been that bad. You take it as it comes, right?” Unlocking the door, we step inside to an excited Lucy. “Hey girl, do you want to watch a movie with us?”
“I believe it’s your turn to pick the movie.” He takes off his jacket, lays it on the arm of the lazy boy and takes a seat on the couch.
“Can I pick whatever I want? You won’t complain, will you? I’m pretty limited to chick flicks,” I tell him honestly.
“No not at all, do your worst,” he challenges.
“Well, I don’t know about worst, but how about one of my favorites.” Fingering though the movies, trying to find the one I’m looking for, I grin thinking he’s going to hate it. I love that he is willing to watch a girlie movie just to spend more time with me. Popping in the DVD, I take my seat next to him. With a grin on my face, the opening credits to The Princess Bride start playing. He gives me a sideways glance with a smirk on his face.
“What, you said I could pick anything. Is it too sappy for you?”
“No, not at all, you forget I grew up with two sisters.”
As we both say at the same time, “No more rhymes I mean it! Anybody want a peanut?” Both breaking out into huge giggles, well alright, I giggled. He had more of a deep chuckle that sent the hair on the back of my neck standing on end. It was such a nice sound. “Well, at least it has a wrestler in it right, who didn’t love Andre the Giant?”
“That’s true, my brothers and I watched our fair share of wrestling. We got into enough trouble with my mom wrestling in the house ourselves.”
As we were watching the movie he turned and smiled, picked up my hand, and held it the rest of the movie. It is just so easy to spend time with him. When the movie was over, he stood, grabbed his jacket, and said, “Well, I should be going. I don’t want to tire you out. I’m really looking forward to tomorrow. Can I pick you up, same time at six?”
“Sure, that sounds nice.” Walking to the door, he again picked up my hand. Opening the door, he said, “Thank you again for a wonderful evening, I had a great time.”
He gave my hand a squeeze, leaned in, and placed a gentle kiss on my cheek. He squeezed my hand again, “Good night Willow, I had a nice time too. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Letting go of my hand, he walked his car. Turning he gave me a little wave and a smile. I watched him drive down the street until I couldn’t see him anymore. I closed the door with a smile on my lips.
Asher
The drive home from Willow’s was filled with my smile. I actually had a really nice time, and I can’t wait to introduce her to my brothers and sisters. Maybe Amelia’s was right and Olivia too for that matter. Maybe it is time to open my heart back up to the possibility of romance.
At home in bed I start to feel guilty, I know Olivia was the love of my life and the possibilities of finding something remotely close, just doesn’t seem possible. Drifting off to sleep, the lapping of waves and the sound of seagulls fills my dream. Olivia is sitting in the sand, next to her is a bouquet of yellow roses, she looks at peace and happy. She again stands and says, “Ash, I’m so proud of you. I knew you could get back out there. I know you still feel guilty. Please listen to me.” She puts her hands on my face and looks in my eyes. “Ash, you are an amazing, loving man. You are kind and faithful. You are always there for your family and friends. You have a generous heart, open it fully to the possibility of loving again. You and I both deserve that. I will say it as many times as you need me to say it, you are not cheating on me. I want you to do this. I need you to do this, for me.”
“Oh, Olivia,” comes out as a whisper and I wrap her in a tight hug.
“Shh, you don’t have to say anything. This is what I want for you. The life you have is a gift, don’t live it in sorrow anymore. That’s not what I want for you. I want you to be happy and by opening your heart again is what I need you to do, for me. Promise me you will try, Ash, open your beautiful heart and live your life happy. Know that I am happy and I cherish the memories that we have. There’s no regret, just love and beautiful memories. The sun is coming up, I have to go.” She kisses me on the cheek as I feel the sun on my face and tears in my eyes.
Waking up, wiping my face, I was actually crying in my sleep. What did I do to deserve such a wonderful wife? Why did she have to be taken from me so early? But I feel more at peace with my d
ecision to see Willow. With Olivia’s encouragement, I feel like anything is possible. Grabbing my phone I text Amelia:
9:57AM Thanks for the encouragement I took your advice and she is coming to dinner tonight. A
10:03AM That’s great, I’m so happy for you, I talked to everyone else. We are all happy for you. Can’t wait to meet your mystery girl. A
Feeling happier than I have in years, I grab my duffle bag and head to the gym. I feel like a teenager again. After the gym, I head to the office to get a few things done. While there I order another arrangement of flowers. The look on her face every time she sees I have flowers for her makes my day. She has a twinkle in her eye and I love making her feel happy. Wrapping up my work, it’s time to pick up the flowers and head home to get ready for my date. That’s right, I said date. And it feels right, the guilt is slowly lifting. I think seeing Olivia in my dreams is helping. Probably shouldn’t tell anyone about that though, they might have me committed.
Pulling up in front of Willow’s condo, I grab the flowers and head to her door, knock three times and hear Lucy barking on the other side of the door. She opens the door, and I shove the flowers in front of her face. With a big smile, she thanks me.
“These are beautiful, thank you. I’m almost ready, come on in. I’ll just be a second.”
Lucy is standing on her hind legs, pawing at my pant leg, wagging her little tail behind her. “Looks like you two made friends. Make yourself at home, I’ll be right out.”
She heads back upstairs, Lucy looks her way and follows her upstairs as well. Looking around her house again, I notice there are no photos on the walls of family or friends. I want to find out more about her. Find out why she is going through chemo on her own, I know she just moved here but you would think there would be someone in her life concerned for her.
Take A Chance (Running Into Love) Page 4