Always Beautiful

by Oien, M. K

  “I can’t stand the thought of you being heartbroken Angel. I thought that by pushing you away I was helping you. I realize I was so wrong. I talked to my mom today. We had a long talk about the last few years and the last few months. She told me that she’s been talking to you.” He said. “Every day we talk.” I admitted. “I had to know what was going on with you.” “I know Lucky, and I love that you continued to be concerned for me after I hurt you. Maybe I shouldn’t have called you like this. I should be there with you at your parent’s house. You deserve so much more than what I’ve given you.”

  More tears fell as I listened to his broken voice. “Zeppelin I don’t want anyone but you. I told you, I don’t care what happens and what the future holds.” I said. “Baby, I swear I will make this all up to you. I promise to love you like you deserve for as long as I’m allowed to. Can you forgive me?” He asked with hope in his voice. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

  I wasn’t the type of person to hold a grudge and I also wasn’t the type to fight for something and then walk away. How could I possibly not forgive him? Did he hurt me? Yes, he broke my heart. But what choice did he have when dealt such an awful lot. He lied to me, and though I know that he shouldn’t have, I can understand why he did. I loved Zeppelin and when you love someone you forgive them. I thought for a moment about what my life would be like if I told him no, if I asked him not to call me and to carry on with life without me like he had told me.

  “Of course I can forgive you Zeppelin.” I cried. “I love you so much and I can’t imagine my life without you.” It was true. Telling him no would not only crush him but me as well. I had already lost Zeppelin once and nearly again. I wouldn’t do it for a third time. At least not until God took him away from me.

  “I love you Angel. God, I wish I was there with you. I want to hold you and kiss you all night long. I want you so bad Lucky, it hurts.” Zeppelin said. “I wish you were here too.” I agreed. “I need to see you. I’ve been starting to feel better and I was thinking of coming down to Portland before Christmas. I still have follow-up treatments, but I could visit for a few days or maybe even a week.” “I would love that. I want to see you too.” I said.

  We ended up talking on the phone until two in the morning. Zeppelin told me all about his treatment and how he was feeling now. He said that he couldn’t wait for his hair to start growing back and he hated how scrawny he looked. I told him about school and the talk with my mother earlier that day. He admitted that he kept in touch with everyone except for me and though it hurt, I was glad that he hadn’t been alone through this.

  When it was time to hang up the phone with him because I was nodding off, he told me he loved me. He vowed once again that he would make up for the past few months. For the first time since that night on the beach in August, I fell asleep with a smile on my face.

  Chapter 14

  ~December 2012~

  “Did you change the sheets?” Hannah asked as she fluffed the pillows on my bed. I rolled my eyes and then narrowed them in her direction. “Honestly Hannah, I don’t know if we’ll have sex. Maybe he won’t be feeling up to it.” I said. “Yeah…Right.” Hannah scoffed. “You know damn well that Zeppelin will want you. It’s been nearly four months Lucky.” She said. “I know how long it has been. But he’s only been done with his treatments for a week and though the doctor said he can start regular activity again, I don’t know if that is part of it.”

  She shot up a brow and crossed her arms. “Trust me when I say this Lucky, he will want you. I bet we won’t even make it through dinner before he’s pawing at you.” She joked. I giggled and shook my head. “If you say so chick,” I replied as I made my way to the living room. I grabbed my boots from the closet and put them on. We were headed out to meet up with the guys and have dinner tonight.

  Zeppelin was finally back in Portland and according to him, he felt better than ever. This would be the first time I had seen him since early November. He sent me a picture from his phone the other day of him pointing to his head. His hair was starting to actually get longer and it didn’t look so buzzed. He wasn’t as skinny as he had been and looked like he was starting to fill out better.

  I still talked to Kathryn a lot even though Zeppelin and I were on good terms now. She had been a huge part of helping not only him but me as well. I considered her to be like a second mother to me. We were taking things a day at a time right now and slowly falling back into how things were before he was sick. Though I missed him terribly and couldn’t wait to touch him again, I was grateful for the distance that Zeppelin and I had.

  I felt like we appreciated each other more and being able to just talk to him without the physical contact helped us to connect on a deeper level. He wasn’t just a guy I was lost in that made me feel tingly all over and hot. Zeppelin was one of my best friends and I felt like I could tell him anything and everything. It felt good to know that we could still be so attached to each other without the physical parts.

  After arriving in Portland early in the afternoon, Zeppelin went straight to his apartment and then to hang out with the guys for a while. Hannah and I spent the day cleaning my apartment, which was hardly messy. It’s so small and I live alone, so it wasn’t difficult to clean. Then we went shopping and came back to get ready. Dixon, Josh, Matt, and Zeppelin were meeting us at the restaurant at four-thirty.

  As I pulled on my coat and grabbed my purse, I began to fill butterflies fluttering around in my stomach. The anticipation of not seeing Zeppelin in so long would finally end in a matter of minutes. I wasn’t sure what I would do when I initially saw him at first. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly as I opened the front door of my apartment.

  “Are you ready to do this?” Hannah asked as she stepped out into the cool, crisp air ahead of me. I nodded. “I think so. Why do I suddenly feel like I’m going to be sick?” I asked as I placed a hand over my rapidly beating heart. Hannah smiled. “Because you’re freaking out about seeing your lover.” She said with a wink as she headed down the stairs to her car.

  I let out a sigh and turned to lock the door before following her. I needed to get myself under control unless I wanted to end up puking all over Zeppelin instead of hugging him. Hannah was right, I was freaking out because what I had wanted for the last few months was finally happening. A smile spread across my face as I opened the passenger side of Hannah’s car and got in. Hannah started the car and looked at me.

  She studied my face for a moment and then smiled. “You look happy again Lucky. I told you that it was all going to be okay didn’t I?” She asked. I nodded and pulled Hannah in for a quick hug. As she pulled away, I said, “Thank you for everything. I don’t know how I would have gotten through any of this without you being not only my voice of reason at times, but also for just being here when I needed you.” “You’re my best friend Lucky Harris and you deserve nothing but happiness. Now let’s go see you’re man.”

  Almost thirty minutes later we pulled into the parking lot of the restaurant and my heart felt like it was going to beat right out of my chest. Hannah pulled beside Dixon’s truck which the guys were still in. It was hard to see inside the truck with his tinted windows and my body began to tremble.

  “Holy shit, this is it.” I mumbled as I shakily unbuckled my seatbelt. Hannah laughed and turned off the car. “You’ve made it this far Lucky.” She said as she opened her door and got out. I took a few more deep breaths and did the same. I heard the passenger door of Dixon’s truck open and close quickly. I walked in front of the truck and was met with a gorgeous smile and those blue eyes that melted me.

  “My angel, I’ve missed you so fucking much!” Zeppelin said as he wrapped his arms around me, squeezing me tight. I was breathless and dizzy and crying in his arms. I lifted my arms and placed them around his neck, pulling him closer. “I missed you too.” I breathed.

  He pulled back and placed his hands on my waist as he searched my face. He looked a lot healthier in person and the spark
le in his eyes made me smile wide. It felt like a lifetime since I had seen him and yet it was like we were never apart. Without a word, Zeppelin rested his forehead against mine and closed his eyes as he breathed me in.

  “You’re even prettier than I remember.” He whispered as he opened his eyes to look at me. His hands went up to cup my cheeks. “And those lips, how I’ve missed kissing those lips that beg for me.” He breathed. In an instant his mouth was on mine, his tongue ran along mine and I no longer felt cold. I moaned into his mouth and pressed my body against him. Groaning Zeppelin separated his lips from mine.

  “I’m going to feed you and then you can take me back to your place.” He said as his hand slipped in mine. I nodded. “That sounds perfect.” He winked at me and we turned toward the entrance of the restaurant. Everyone was waiting for us just outside the doors and they were staring.

  “Nothing’s changed I see.” Matt teased. “Always with the PDA, I swear you two are like rabbits.” I rolled my eyes. “I think it’s so sweet.” Hannah said as she wiped a tear from her eye. “Oh yeah, it’s like a damn romance novel.” Josh muttered. Hannah swatted his ass playfully. “I’d read that novel.” Hannah stated. “Me too, as long as there’s dirty parts in it.” Matt winked at me. Zeppelin punched his arm. “Dude, no.” He said with a laugh.

  We all went inside and got seated at a table in the back. After our drinks arrived and we had all ordered, Dixon cleared his throat and spoke up. He raised his glass in the air and looked at me.

  “Here’s to good health, great love, and an amazing life.” He started. “I’m glad you came to Portland Cuz, I hope you stay.” He shifted his gaze to Zeppelin. “Thanks for making my cousin happy and thanks for being a great friend. It’s so good to have you back man.” Dixon said. We all lifted our glasses and toasted.

  Dinner was absolutely wonderful. We talked and laughed about the summer and how things were going now. It almost felt as if nothing had changed since a few months back. I looked around the table at everyone and that familiar feeling of peace and contentment hit me. How I had missed that.

  Zeppelin sat next to me with his hand on my thigh throughout the entire night. Every once in a while I would just look at him and smile. Sometimes he would look over at the same time and we would just stare at each other, drinking each other in and communicating how much we loved and missed one another without words. After we finished eating, Zeppelin put his arm around me and leaned in to kiss my cheek. My body responded to him as it always had. That would never change between us.

  When we left the restaurant, Hannah and Josh left in her car. She gave Zeppelin a hug and told him that she was glad to see him back and then pulled me in to her. She told me to have fun and to thank her later for telling me to make my bed up nice. I just giggled and nodded. We rode back to Dixon’s house in his truck to pick up Zeppelin’s car. After saying goodnight, we got into his GTO and headed for my apartment.

  As we drove down the dark streets of Portland, I turned and looked at Zeppelin, looking so comfortable behind the wheel of his car. His eyes shifted and he caught me staring. “What?” He asked with a smile. I shook my head. “I love the way you look when you’re driving your car. You look…happy.” I said. His smile widened and he nodded. “I think this is my happy place.” His brow furrowed. “No. When you’re in it, it’s my happy place.” He brushed the back of his hand against my cheek. I smiled.

  “I have something to show you when we get to your place.” I shot him a questioning look. “What is it?” I asked. “You’ll see.” He replied with a smirk. I shook my head and sighed. “You and your surprises…” I muttered. “I’ve told you that spontaneous is my middle name. Remember?” He had said that. I spent the rest of our drive wondering what it could be that he wanted to show me.

  As soon as the car was parked, Zeppelin shut it off and eagerly stepped out. I did the same and met him at the front of the GTO. “I missed riding in that thing.” I told him as he grabbed my waist and pulled me into him. He smiled. “I missed having you in it.” He said. “I think you should let me drive it.” I said as I waggled my eyebrows at him. Zeppelin laughed and kissed the tip of my nose. “You’re so adorable Angel. But there’s no way, not unless you win a bet.” He said. “Well then I’ll think of something and get back to you.” I promised as I grabbed his hand and led him toward the stairwell.

  Once we were inside my apartment, Zeppelin grabbed my hand and pulled me down the small hallway to my bedroom. I followed him and then stopped when he did. He lifted a hand to my chin and tilted it up as he lowered his lips to mine. He kissed me slowly, taking my breath away. When he slid his tongue along mine, I grasped his shoulders and pulled him closer to me. He smiled against me and pulled back slightly.

  “I want to show you something first Angel.” He breathed. He stepped back and removed his jacket and then began lifting the hem of his long sleeve t-shirt. I watched him curiously as he took his shirt off and stood before me. “I did something last week. I was thinking about you and how incredible you have been. You’ll always be my angel Lucky. Whatever happens in life, I won’t ever stop loving you. If things get too hard and you want out, just tell me. Okay?” He asked.

  I swallowed and shook my head slowly. “Zeppelin, I’ll always want you. As long as I have you with me, I can face anything.” I said. Zeppelin nodded and took in a deep breath as he twisted his arm and lifted it for me to see the inside of his forearm. “I have a few regrets in life, but none of them are or will ever be you.” He said in a whisper as I took in the new tattoo that he had.

  I gasped and wrapped my hand around his wrist, lifting his arm to get a better look at the ink on his forearm. It was a pair of angel’s wings that were shaded intricately and below them was my name. Not my nickname, it wasn’t Angel or Lucky that he had etched into his skin. It was my actual God given first name. “Lucille”. I wiped my eyes as they pooled with tears and my vision blurred.

  My eyes met his and he watched my face intently. He swallowed. “What do you think?” He asked in a husky tone. I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath. He wasn’t kidding when he said that spontaneous was his middle name. “You did this for me?” I asked. Zeppelin shook his head. “I did it for me. When I look at this, it reminds me that I have something to live for, someone who saves me.” He replied. I swiped away a few tears and smiled at him. “I love it Zeppelin and I think I just fell even more in love with you.”

  Zeppelin smirked and wrapped his arms around my waist. “Every single day I fall more in love with you.” He said before kissing me passionately. I melted into him, running my hands over his shoulders as he pulled me closer to him. “I love you Angel.” He breathed against my cheek as his lips traveled down to my neck. My body responded to him as it had back in the summer. I was instantly warm and a pool of heat formed low in my belly.

  Turning with me still in his arms, Zeppelin walked me backward to my bed. He stepped back from me and bent at the waist to pick me up and gently lay me down atop the covers. Crawling in after me, he positioned himself between my legs and hovered over my trembling body as he gazed down at me. We just stared at each other for a few moments as our breathing increased.

  “I’m so in love with you. I want you baby.” He said as he pressed himself against me. I felt his hard length against my heat and let out a moan. “I want you too, so much.” I said as he began kissing and nibbling on my neck. His hands found the hem of my shirt and he began pulling it off of me. I sat up slightly to help him remove it and then he unclasped my bra as his mouth traveled down and across my chest.

  I ran my hands over his short hair as he worshipped my body, making me feel cherished and loved. His lips moved with his hands down to my waist and he began unbuttoning my jeans and pulling down the zipper. He undressed me slowly, kissing every inch of my body as he went. Once I was completely naked, he stood from the bed and removed the rest of his clothing.

  He watched my face as he climbed back onto the bed. My heart was pounding and I t
ried to catch my breath as he gazed at me intensely. He stretched his hand out and brushed the hair from my forehead as he knelt between my legs. “If I die tonight or any other night, I want it to be by your side. Lucky, I’ll never let you go again.” Zeppelin said before leaning down and kissing me. Hot tears ran down my cheeks as he slipped himself inside of me and began moving slowly.

  Zeppelin moaned and nibbled on my ear lobe as we found our rhythm. “God, I’ve missed being buried inside you.” “I’ve dreamt of this every night.” I spoke in a low voice. He pinned me with his blue eyes again. “Me too Angel,” He smiled and kissed my lips softly as we continued to move together.

  As our bodies got to know each other once again, I swore that our souls connected. There was a point, at the end of making love when we gazed at each other as we both found our release, that I stopped breathing. Zeppelin’s eyes were filled with tears, matching my own as we moaned together in pure ecstasy. No words were spoken between us but I could hear him, his heartbeat and his thoughts. It was like we became one person. It was brilliant and amazing.

  Afterward we slipped underneath the covers, lying in the middle of my king-sized bed. Zeppelin held me tight as he rested his head upon my chest, directly over my steadily beating heart. “I was wrong earlier.” He said quietly. My hand that was running along his back stilled and I frowned. “What were you wrong about?” I asked. Zeppelin squeezed me tighter and nuzzled his head against my chest. “This is my happy place.” A wide grin spread across my face as I went back to rubbing his back.

  We spent four amazing days together making up for lost time. I was always able to easily fall back into Zeppelin and this time was no different. The only change was that it was better because we loved each other now more than we ever had. I was sad to see him go at the end of the week and I would miss him terribly but he promised not to be gone too long.