Growing Up on the Spectrum

by Lynn Kern Koegel

  This approach can be very effective when your adolescent on the spectrum starts dating.

  Sammy’s Prom Night

  Sammy was a high schooler diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome. He was extraordinarily good-looking but definitely had his social difficulties. He had a smattering of friends here and there, but had had few deep relationships throughout his life. Unbeknownst to his peers, on a regular basis the truancy officers found him cutting school to go to the local Barnes & Noble in search of pictures of naked girls. In addition, his parents occasionally found him surfing the net for stark naked hotties when he thought he was home alone.

  There was no question that Sammy was interested in the opposite sex, but his interest was all theoretical: he had never actually had a date, a girlfriend, or even a friend who was a girl.

  So it was a big surprise when he came home one day and boldly announced to his mother that he wanted to invite a particular girl to his junior prom. His mother’s first reaction was terror: this was uncharted territory for both of them, with real potential for disaster. She tried to persuade him to wait until he was a senior to go to the prom, arguing that it would be more successful if he had his driver’s license. But Sammy was determined, so she gave in.

  The more his mother probed, the more she became aware that her son didn’t have the slightest clue how to ask a girl out. Worried that his awkwardness and inexperience would lead to certain refusal, she decided that before he plunged right in, he should practice (be primed) by doing a little role-playing. She played the part of the girl and he pretended to call her and ask her out.

  Mother and son tried out all kinds of scenarios, ranging from the acceptance (which led to working out details of when the girl could expect to be picked up) all the way to the dreaded no and how to respond appropriately and graciously to that by saying something like “I hope we can hang out together some other time.” As they rehearsed, Sammy’s mother suggested phrases, responses, and questions that Sammy could try out right then and fall back on when he made the real call.

  When the time came to actually ask the girl out, Sammy was remarkable. He did a great job of asking and was—to his mother’s astonishment and delight—immediately accepted.

  Making It Work for Your Kid

  Even if we didn’t have years of research proving its efficacy, it would still be pretty obvious that priming works. It simply makes sense that prior exposure to a potentially complicated situation gives your child a template to work from when the time comes. That doesn’t mean it’s always simple to arrange in real life: your child may well play the teenager and roll his eyes and refuse to have anything to do with you when you suggest practicing asking a girl out or any other type of dating situation. It’s a common reaction and part of the classic teenage “if my mother or father suggests it, I don’t want to do it” pattern they all seem to fall into.

  So if you feel strongly that practice will increase your child’s chance of success, but you’re not the right person to do it, you’ll need to recruit someone to help. Think about other people he likes and respects. Does he have an older brother or uncle whom he admires? Is there a teacher at school who would be helpful? How about a college student friend? It doesn’t really matter who does the priming—the important thing is to give your child the exposure and practice.

  Make an Offer No One Can Refuse

  Even with priming, sometimes simply nailing that first date is the hardest part of finding a girlfriend or boyfriend for someone on the spectrum. Because they have been isolated from peers—or have isolated themselves from peers—young people with autism and Asperger’s often don’t learn the subtle cues related to socialization, so they may seem a little awkward and uneasy in social situations. Most of these kids are wonderful, kind, caring people, but their unconventional mannerisms can put off people who don’t yet know them. It’s especially hard to get over that hump with members of the opposite sex, who just aren’t as likely to spend the hanging-out time necessary to appreciate their inner qualities. This leads to a dating catch-22: in order for a girl to get to know a guy (or vice versa), she has to spend time alone with him, but in order for her to say yes to spending time alone with him, she has to get to know him!

  Once people get to know these kids, they see their good qualities: how most are never catty and gossipy or overly concerned with superficial things like what someone is wearing or what someone said at a party. They’re also incredibly honest and straightforward, which is what makes them great friends and partners. But it takes time to appreciate and value these deeper qualities, and unfortunately, the first impressions may be awkward. That’s why it’s so important to give them any help possible in getting that first date.

  Most parents of teenage kids on the spectrum know all too well the heartache of finding out your child has put himself out there, asked someone on a date, and been rejected. One way to increase the odds of an acceptance is to make the actual date event something so extraordinary that no one would turn it down. Read on for Griffin’s experience.

  Griffin—A First Date to Die For

  Griffin was a high school student who was having trouble getting dates. It wasn’t for lack of trying. He tried and tried—and was constantly turned down. His mother admitted to me that the rejections had become so painful to her that she was tempted just to tell him not to ask out any more girls. As I was consoling her, I said, “Too bad he doesn’t have tickets to something that all the girls would die to go to.”

  My offhand remark sparked an idea in Griffin’s mother. Griffin’s dad worked as a stagehand at a large concert hall. At his wife’s suggestion, he called in a few favors and was able to score some free back-stage passes to a hugely popular band concert. Griffin asked a girl he liked to go with him and she was delighted to say yes. And once she got to know him, she liked him, and they went out many more times.

  Making It Work for Your Kid

  A concert is just one idea. Most people have friends who do cool things that kids are interested in, and you shouldn’t hesitate to ask around—see if anyone you know can arrange something special for your kid. Even if you don’t have anyone close to you who can help, there are many people who understand the difficulties of kids with disabilities and will go out of their way to make things happen. I’ve worked with many families who were able to procure great tickets to events for free just by asking if they could be donated to a child on the autism spectrum. And if you’re not strapped for cash, you can also figure out—maybe with the help of a friend’s teenage kid—which events in your city are the current hot ticket and purchase admission.

  Having that extra special to-die-for date may be just what it takes to get things started.

  Teaching Listening

  The restricted interests and lack of social awareness that tend to be symptoms of an autism spectrum disorder often lead to what others might see as self-absorption. Everyone likes to be listened to, and no one likes to be with someone who engages in monologues about a subject only she is interested in. Because conversational skills and sympathetic listening don’t always come naturally to those on the spectrum, you might need to teach them even if your child appears to be past the age where teaching her to talk should be necessary. A good first impression is crucial for getting a first date, and expressing an interest in another person will really improve that first impression.

  Nick and His Cars

  When I first met Nick, he was a straight-A college student who had been diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome. I’m not sure if he had ever dated, but he definitely wasn’t dating when I met him. He wasn’t particularly well groomed: he wore dirty clothes, rarely bothered to shave, and had dirty fingernails. But his biggest social problem was that he talked nonstop about fancy cars. He simply had no interest in any other topic—if I brought up a subject other than cars, he immediately reverted to cars.

  His mother had brought him to see me because she was worried that he was, in her words, “obsessed” with a female student. He ha
d asked her out several times and she had declined every time, so he began following her. He knew her patterns, whom she hung out with, and what she did just about every minute of the day. His mother was afraid the girl would think he was stalking her. And truthfully, he was.

  I felt that if we could help Nick become more socially successful overall, he would stop pursuing the young woman who had no interest in him. It was clear to me that his biggest social problem was his inability to engage in a real back-and-forth dialogue—it wasn’t that the other students didn’t want to be with him, it was that after a few minutes he drove them crazy talking exclusively and excessively about cars. We started intervention, working on the skills Nick needed to become a good conversationalist (see Section II, Chapter 2 for more specific details on how to implement this intervention): we taught him how to ask questions, listen attentively, and respond to topics other than cars. With some work, Nick gained the ability to maintain a conversation that wasn’t only about cars, and that made him much more attractive to college girls.

  As his social skills improved and he started to see people responding more positively to him, he became more and more motivated to continue that success. On his own, he worked on improving his hygiene, which led to even more positive responses—and eventually a girlfriend!

  Making It Work for Your Kid

  Asking questions and listening to the answers may seem like a logical and easy thing, but for kids on the spectrum it takes work and practice. Many of these young kids have trouble asking information-seeking questions, as we discussed in Overcoming Autism, and when they’re older, they also struggle to get a back-and-forth rhythm going during social conversation. But with practice, they can learn, it gets easier, and it does improve their social lives. As we describe in detail in Section II, Chapter 2, social conversation will require some practice, which often means modeling specific appropriate questions to initiate a conversation or to keep one going.

  If your child is at the age when he doesn’t want to practice with you, recruit a therapist, friend, or relative to help you out. Sometimes it works even better if you find someone who is closer to your child’s age. That way the topics of conversation will be relevant to his age group. And if your child struggles a little at the beginning, don’t worry—changing the way you talk takes time and practice, but eventually as your child becomes comfortable with it, you’ll see a big difference.

  Building on Similar Interests

  It’s hard to break through the restricted interest of an individual on the spectrum, but if you can find peers who are interested in that same restricted topic, you might have just the catalyst you need to spark a romantic relationship!

  For instance, we worked with a graduate student with autism who had just switched her major to computer science. She felt that everything in her life was going well except with the opposite sex. She was interested in guys, but throughout her college years she hadn’t met anyone who returned her interest. This happened many years ago before very much research had been done, so we really didn’t have any immediate ideas of how to help her. Normally we would have suggested that she seek out clubs, church groups, or intramural sports to meet more guys, but the only thing she liked to do was work on computers.

  We asked her to give us a week to search the literature to see if we could come up with any ideas to improve her social life. We were pleasantly surprised when she came back the next week and cheerfully announced that she was the smartest student in all her new classes (which by the way, were filled mostly with males) and that just about every guy in the class had asked her out! Since the guys in her graduate classes were all as interested in computers as she was, they admired her strength in that area and were tailor-made to find her appealing.

  JJ’s Book Club

  JJ was a beautiful teen who had been diagnosed with autism as a preschooler but had improved so much that some of the school staff argued that it looked more like Asperger’s syndrome. Whatever it was, she spent all of her free time alone.

  JJ loved to read. In fact, it was difficult to get her out of the school library to socialize. To encourage her to interact with other children, we started a book club with some other kids who also loved books. JJ really came to life while discussing books with her peers, and not long after we set up the book club, she began spending time outside of school with one of the boys who had joined it. In addition, after discussing the books, she almost always spent the rest of the lunch period hanging out with the kids in the club. She loved the club and it also provided a catalyst for her to get together with other students her age.

  Making It Work for Your Kid

  Most individuals on the spectrum tend to have isolated areas of interest, but this doesn’t have to isolate them socially. If they are able to focus these interests in a socially appropriate way, they can use them to connect to others with the same interests. You might have to work with your child to find an appropriate activity and venue and possibly even seek out some professional help in finding and setting up clubs and organizations that will give her the opportunities she needs to meet romantic possibilities who share her interests, but when you see your child flourish socially, you’ll be glad you did.

  Exploiting Strengths

  Henry Kissinger once said, “Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac,” and there’s no question that appearing to be in a position of knowledge and strength increases the likelihood that you’re going to impress other people—which, of course, increases your odds of romantic success.

  Most teens on the spectrum have areas of strength. If these strengths are used in the right way, the teen with autism can become a valued member of his or her peer group, someone the others look up to and admire—maybe even romantically.

  Many people have jokingly said that most university professors are on the spectrum, and the truth is that to get a doctorate, one does have to accumulate a vast amount of information, and to get tenure at a university, one has to continue to collect even more information on the specific topic. During the pursuit, one’s interests may become a bit, um, restricted. Restricted interests? Does that ring a bell?

  The important thing to remember is that while professors may become a bit overfocused on their area of knowledge, people respect and admire them for it. Similarly, a teenager or young adult on the spectrum can use his area of interest to increase his value in his community, as this next young man did.

  Making It Work for Your Kid

  Find your child’s strengths, whatever they may be, and help him get into situations where he will be valued by his peers for those strengths. If your child is the valued member of his peer group, that will most certainly make the first date easier. There are some easy ways to showcase his strengths. Afterschool or lunchtime clubs are the easiest (as in JJ’s Book Club, previous page). If your child is a great musician, try to get him involved in the jazz band at school. Or if he likes the computer, see if you can get him assigned as an assistant to the computer teacher at school.

  Even if your child just has a strong interest in an area but isn’t too great at it yet, he may connect with a mentor or a tutor in that subject. And if you can’t make it happen at school, there are plenty of opportunities outside of school. Some of our students take lessons, such as drama or surfing. We even have one young adult who is very involved in the local Catholic church’s youth group. Just make an effort to look around and find places where your child will fit in and be valued.

  Setups

  Again, this is all about nailing that first date, so members of the opposite sex have a chance to see past the challenging social behaviors to the wonderful person underneath.

  While I have mixed feelings about sororities and fraternities—particularly because I think they spend far too much time on social events and not enough time on academics—these types of clubs are sometimes helpful for those who need a little social boost. Both my daughters have been in sororities and they’ve told me that the kids in the Greek system always make sure that everyon
e has a date for the parties.

  Jordan—Using the Brotherhood

  Jordan was a college student who was diagnosed with autism at a very young age. We worked with him when he was young, and he and my daughter went to preschool together. Over the years, he improved significantly to the point where he no longer needed intensive intervention, but our families remained in touch and our children continued to go to each other’s birthday parties.

  Jordan had developed into a brilliant and athletic young man, but he remained a bit awkward around the opposite sex. He ended up going to the same university as my daughter, so she helped him get into a fraternity by introducing him to some of the fraternity brothers. Once he got into the fraternity, he regularly went to “date parties,” where everyone was set up with a date. At these events, the fraternities party with the sororities and each member asks a girl out. Sometimes it’s a bit of a blind date because they’ve never met, but the end result is that everyone goes with a date—no one is excluded. Sometimes getting a little help from friends is what it takes to get that first bond created.

  Making It Work for Your Kid

  Your child doesn’t have to belong to a fraternity or sorority to reap the benefits of being set up. Family and friends are good sources. We know one young man whose older brother was always willing to help set him up. Ask the people you trust if they know any member of the opposite sex who’s around your son’s age who might be a good fit, because of similar interests, similar temperaments, or maybe even such different personalities that they complement each other (see below).