Growing Up on the Spectrum

by Lynn Kern Koegel

  Peer Cliques

  When I was a kid, guys asked girls to school dances and we always went as couples, so when my daughters were in high school, I was shocked to discover that they were more likely to go to their dances in one big group, and sometimes that group consisted of only girls. But I realized quickly that it’s quite a common practice these days. Kids often socialize in groups, especially when they’re first dating.

  This is good news for kids on the spectrum: recruiting a peer clique for social interventions is more effective than recruiting an individual. Read on for how it worked for one of our clients.

  Brad—Dating in a Group

  Brad was in high school when he started to express an interest in dating. Unfortunately, there was no getting around the fact that Brad had some challenges socially. He had poor eye contact, ended conversations too abruptly (sometimes mildly insulting others), talked too loudly, and frequently brought up inappropriate topics, such as a twisted and politically incorrect episode of Family Guy. But even though he had social difficulties, his peers loved and supported him. He had a group of friends of both genders who regularly hung out together after school watching TV, studying for tests, raiding the refrigerator, and so on.

  So when it was time for a school dance, Brad simply invited one of the girls within his close group of friends. The girl happily went as his “date” for the evening, knowing that the friends would all go as one big group, which made the whole thing less stressful and loaded for both of them. Brad felt good about himself and both he and the girl were comfortable “going together” within the greater structure of their clique.

  Making It Work for Your Kid

  The dynamics are simply different in a big group. Although Brad might have been able to get a girl to go with him to the dance all on his own, I suspect that he would have had a few more rejections if he hadn’t had a peer clique to fall back on. I’ve met many of his friends and I know they do truly enjoy being with him despite his social challenges.

  So if your son or daughter has a group of friends of both sexes, take advantage of that when the time comes for dances and parties. Choosing within her peer clique may be an effective way for your child to start getting experience with members of the opposite sex, without taking her out of her comfort zone or putting too much pressure on pairing off before she’s ready for that.

  And even if your child doesn’t have a fixed group of friends, peers can be amazingly supportive. Teens get such a bad rap, but they can be wonderful to kids who need extra help—I’ve seen it with my own eyes. Studies have shown that with a teacher’s or specialist’s direction, middle schoolers will band together as a group to work on specific social areas with kids on the spectrum. And these friendship groups often carry over outside of the school day. We have witnessed many middle and high schoolers who start off volunteering to have lunch and work on social conversation with kids on the spectrum and end up happily extending the friendship by going with them to school sporting events and other outside-of-school activities. While not every child needs formal arrangements, they can be really fun and helpful if your child needs that extra boost in making and keeping friends. (See Section II, Chapter 1 for more on friendship groups.)

  Opposites Who Attract

  Most young adults on the spectrum find socializing laborious and making conversation effortful. As a result, they’re likely to withdraw into solitary activities that don’t require them to interact with others. You might assume that the perfect relationship for someone like that would be with someone similarly introverted and retiring (and that certainly can be the case), but I’ve seen several truly happy romantic relationships that prove the exact opposite. For someone who finds engaging in conversation difficult, being with someone who’s so outgoing she can keep the conversation going without any help from him may well be the perfect solution to his social problems.

  Juan and the Woman Who Completes Him

  Juan had difficulties socializing, but that didn’t mean he didn’t have the desire. He found social situations awkward and uncomfortable, simply because he was never certain what was expected of him and was always worried he’d let the ball drop. His anxiety over his ability to be social only made his difficulties worse, and he found himself in a vicious cycle of being too nervous about whether he could successfully engage to do so.

  Then he met Jennie, and his problems were solved. Jennie was outgoing and friendly and carried most of the conversation at parties—she talked enough for both of them! His burden was lifted, and you could literally see his happiness and relief when she was retelling some funny event or keeping a conversation bouncing along with other people. Because her strengths filled out his areas of weakness, the relationship worked and Juan no longer had to dread social situations. The more the pressure on him was lifted, the more he could relax and enjoy himself.

  They married shortly after college and both are still immensely happy together.

  Making It Work for Your Kid

  I was chatting with a mom recently whose adult son with Asperger’s is dying to meet someone to date. She is a very social woman and has lots of friends with daughters her son’s age. Her son tends to be quite headstrong, and she asked me if I thought that someone who could “stand up to him” would be a good match. Knowing her son, I thought that situation would be disastrous, so I surprised her by suggesting they look for someone who was mellow and easygoing.

  If you are helping someone get a date, observation and a little conversation about what’s important to him or her is the best strategy. What type of personality does he seem to have the best time with? The more outgoing or the more quiet type? Does she tell you she prefers to be around someone who takes the lead on conversations or someone who is more passive? Does he like someone who laughs a lot or the more serious type? Any help your adolescent can give you (or her friends) on the type of person who’s attractive to her makes it easier to find the right first date.

  And don’t forget to watch your child in social situations to see what personalities work best with his, both with friends and romantic interests. The truth of the matter is that we don’t necessarily “know” why some personalities mesh so well—it’s kind of a surprise. But by watching your child actually interact with others, you can get a sense. You can see if he gravitates toward the quieter types, or if he seems to find the more outgoing appealing, and which personality type is likely to bring out the best in him. Once you get an idea, you can home in on helping him find that perfect person.

  Read on for Andrew’s first-person take on what it was like to have a middle school relationship.

  ANDREW

  There was one girl introduced to me by a friend of mine—a kid I knew from elementary school who lived in the neighborhood. He gave me her phone number and when I talked to her on the phone, she was nice. After I had talked to her on the phone a lot and we had IM’ed some, I met her with that same friend of mine and his girlfriend at a mall. This girl I was hooked up with was really nice and would always say positive things about me, like she would tell me my haircut looked good and that I had a good personality. When we were going on dates, we would eat lunch or dinner at restaurants, and we would see movies and go to theme parks. I had a good time with her.

  The only problem with her was that she was not that pretty; she was very clingy and we were totally different people—she liked to listen to music from musicals and I didn’t like that stuff at all. She would also talk nonstop about Harry Potter. Other kids at my school made fun of me for going out with her when they saw a picture of her on my cell phone (this was back in eighth grade). They made me feel like a loser for going out with her. We broke up, because I eventually felt embarrassed that my friends teased me about her. Also, I realized that our interests were really different.

  When we broke up, I told this girl nicely that I just wanted to be friends with her after all, but she just broke into tears. I did feel bad for her, but at the same time, I felt like she was overreacting. Then, my f
riend’s then ex-girlfriend was mad at me, but then later apologized to me for getting mad.

  When I am looking for a girl, I look for both her personality and her looks. After that, I would always try to ask cute girls from my middle school and high school out, but a lot of them have turned me down. They nicely said that they did not want to go out with me, but even though they were nice, I was not too happy about it.

  The next girl I am really trying to look for to date would be a girl who has some similar interests (that do not have to be exactly similar, obviously). I would also like this girl to not only be pretty, but to also have a good personality. I would probably try to get a date with her by talking to her and getting to know her, and then by asking her out and getting her screen name and her cell phone or home phone number, and maybe calling her on her cell phone to make plans. I will hopefully go out with her for about six months to a year.

  DR. KOEGEL

  Andrew’s personal account illustrates a number of points we mentioned above. To start, Andrew’s first date happened in the same way that many young people get together—as a setup. Second, no one who meets Andrew would deny that he has a great personality (and he’s cute too), so talking on the phone before getting together was a perfect opportunity for Andrew and the girl to get to know each other. Meeting through a friend and arranging to hang out with that friend and his girlfriend had the advantage of a peer clique—a group of friends. That took a lot of pressure off of having to be one-on-one on a first date. And as with most middle schoolers, Andrew’s relationship only lasted a short time. We would like it if relationships were independent of what the peer group thinks, but unfortunately they aren’t at that age. It isn’t surprising that Andrew’s friends’ comments focused on looks—boys that age tend to do that. And sometimes a blurry cell phone photo is all they need to sharpen their claws and attack.

  CLAIRE

  There are two things that really struck me as I read Andrew’s account. The first was how susceptible he is to peer pressure. I don’t think his father or I realized to what extent the other kids’ teasing altered his feelings about a relationship he had been really enthusiastic about up until then. He does tend to be very impressionable, and because he takes things more literally than other kids, he’ll believe boasts and opinions that most kids would know to take with a grain of salt. I’m glad we’re aware of this now—it’s something to talk to him about and work on in the future. You don’t want other kids to have the power to poison something that makes your child happy, and yet so often they do. One discovery we’ve made is that while he won’t listen to his parents’ attempts to contradict what his peers tell him, Andrew will listen to his favorite uncle, and so we frequently ask my brother-in-law to take him out to lunch and casually bring up a topic that we feel Andrew’s peers have misled him about.

  The other thing is something I had forgotten about but which came back to me as I was reading what he had written: Andrew was truly wonderful on the phone with this girl. I would hear him talking to her and he was a great listener, sympathetic and supportive. (“They teased you today? That’s horrible!”) I’m not sure he enjoyed those conversations, but he did a great job of holding up his end and I honestly think it’s because we worked so hard on his conversation skills when he was little. One of the first directions Dr. Koegel ever gave us was to work on “increasing Andrew’s questions.” We did, and in Overcoming Autism I talk about how effective that was in improving his ability to engage with others. What’s interesting is that its effectiveness continues to this day: he really is a good listener and will ask the right questions at the right time—there are a lot of men out there who could learn from him. We women like to be listened to. (Of course, Andrew gets the credit for being fundamentally a kind and supportive guy.)

  A romantic life doesn’t appear full-blown and perfect just when you’re ready for it. We all had to struggle with some very awkward moments and relationships before we found those that really worked (and of course even our happy endings often turn out to be neither happy nor endings). Our kids will need more support, interference, and guidance than most, but don’t rule anything out for them.

  Frequently Asked Questions

  I really don’t think my son is all that interested in a romantic relationship yet, although most of the kids around him seem to be forming pairs (he’s a senior in high school). Is it something I should push? Is it possible to wait too long? Or should I wait for him to show interest?

  Some individuals on the spectrum prefer to stay single throughout their lives. And that’s fine, if that’s their choice. Unfortunately, many tell us that they would like to have a relationship, but have either been unsuccessful or just plain don’t know how to approach another person. While it isn’t necessary to “push” a relationship on your child, it is important to teach him the things he will need to learn to be a part of the dating world, especially if he’s showing signs he wants that. And even if he is a late bloomer, if he has learned the skills, he’ll have a much easier time. There’s no doubt that every person—male and female, on the spectrum or not—goes through an awkward period with the opposite sex—and some are more awkward than others. There are some interesting studies that lay out exactly what young adult and college women want on dates. What women like on a date are

  • Flowers. Women appreciate the little extra special thoughtfulness. In fact, one of my daughters recently talked about a friend’s to-die-for boyfriend: every time the girl is sick, he brings her soup and medicine and whatever else she needs.

  • To be treated. Forget women’s lib—girls these days like the guy to pick up the tab. If the guy has limited funds, it doesn’t have to be a five-star restaurant, as long as he pays.

  • To have doors opened for them. No matter the venue, remind your son always to hold the door open for his date. Women just like that.

  • Fun things to do. Young women report that dates are more fun if the guy plans two or more things to do. So instead of just dinner, do dinner and a movie. Instead of just coffee, do a museum and coffee. A quick Internet search of things to do in the city usually brings up tons of possible options, and if your son is short on cash, no worries—there are always fun things around town that are either free or don’t cost too much.

  • To be picked up and dropped off. Teach your son to pick up his dates (or meet them and walk if they’re at school). And remind him to clean his car out first!

  • A nice end to the evening. At the end of a date, teach your son to tell his date he had a nice time and that she was fun to be with, and then to give her a warm hug. Young women do have a higher image of dates who say something complimentary and are affectionate at the end of the date.

  Although both men and women report that, in general, they want to date for fun and to find a long-term companion, most men report that sex is a main goal of dating. If you have a daughter on the spectrum, that’s yet another reason to teach her when and with whom she should have sex. (See the next chapter for more on helping your child on the spectrum deal with sexual issues.)

  My son has always been most comfortable around kids who are significantly younger than he is, so a lot of his closest friends are a few grades behind him. But now that he’s fifteen and talking a little about girls, I’m wondering if he’s going to be more interested in the ones who are a lot younger. It is true that girls his own age seem much, much more sophisticated than he is. But I can hardly encourage him to pursue younger girls—that’s just icky. Any suggestions?

  This happens sometimes, but it would be a good idea to keep an eye open. While it isn’t such a big deal for a twenty-eight-year-old to date a twenty-six-year-old, it does become sticky when an eighteen-year-old is dating a sixteen-year-old (or younger), who technically is not an adult yet. It may be a good idea for you to do a functional analysis on his behavior (see Section I, Chapter 2 for how to do this) to understand why he prefers to be around younger kids. If it’s because he doesn’t have the social skills to maintain relatio
nships with his same-aged peers, then he’ll probably need some intervention in that area. But if his friends are truly good matches and not too much younger, it might not be a problem. Just make sure he has the proper supervision if either one isn’t an adult yet.

  My daughter isn’t the slightest bit interested in making herself look attractive, but she is interested in boys. She doesn’t understand why her friends are asked out and she isn’t. How do I get her to see the connection between looking her best and being attractive to the opposite sex without hurting her feelings or creating more anxiety for her?

  Looking attractive, whether superficial or not, is a basic part of our culture. You can’t go into a department store without seeing a whole section totally devoted to women’s makeup. Looking nice on a date is important because it shows the other person that you fixed yourself up for him or her. The best thing you can do is make the goal of looking nice fun for your daughter. Look at magazines (you may want to pick a magazine that will have affordable and reasonable styles) or advertisements and discuss the fashions in them. Talk about her favorite people and what they wear, discuss dressing for work versus dressing for a picnic, have a mother-daughter beauty day, fix her hair while you’re waiting for brownies to finish baking, and so on. (For more on helping your child to look good, see Section VI, Chapter 2.) And remember, while some fashion magazines can have a negative influence, they’re still a useful intervention tool and can lead to helpful discussions if your child is having trouble in this area. First impressions make a big difference, and I’ve had adult clients who refuse to trim their nails, don’t wash their hair, and sometimes don’t even seem to look in the mirror before they leave the house. They have trouble making a really good first impression and subsequently getting that crucial first date.

  3. Sex

  My son is very delayed socially and academically, but physically he’s right where he should be (which is much further along than I’ d like him to be). I’ve noticed him staring at girls on TV, which isn’t a problem, and also at girls on the street, which is sometimes a problem. His hormones have definitely kicked in, but I don’t think he has the cognitive or social skills to deal with them appropriately. How do I keep him from getting into trouble?