The Red-Hot Chili Cook-Off

by Carolyn Brown

  “Did you have a dream about it?” Gigi teased.

  “Hell, no! My bird is over at Patrice’s. He’s my muse and the only dream I had while he was gone was the one about the chili. I’m sure his spirit was still in the house or I wouldn’t have had that one,” Tansy flared up.

  “Hey, don’t get your panties in a wad,” Gigi said. “We got to save our energy and go in as a united front if we’re going to get our flags and our plastic eggs both today.”

  Sugar stood up. “Alma Grace called and said if we weren’t too worn out to come by the shop after the church meeting. They’ve picked out a tent and some stuff for the cook-off that they want us to look at.”

  Gigi groaned when she pushed up off the bench. “My bones feel like they are a hundred years old.”

  “Stop your bitchin’. Those that endure until the end shall be…” Tansy said.

  “Saved,” Sugar finished for her. “I can’t believe you’re quoting scripture.”

  “Hey, I have a Bible somewhere in the house and I go to church. But I was thinking something more like those that endure until the end shall be called angels.”

  Gigi led the way to the door. “Us, angels? You must’ve been really sick.”

  “Speak for yourself,” Sugar snapped.

  ***

  Gigi didn’t give a rat’s ass whether they put flags on the graves or not, whether they were faded and small, or whether they were big as king-size bedsheets and brand-spanking-new. Tansy was the one who’d followed in their mama’s footsteps in the Daughters of the Confederacy, had served as president of the organization for two years, and had kept her sisters involved.

  At least once a month, when they had a committee meeting to discuss whatever the hell was next on the calendar, they had a nice lunch in a decent restaurant. But that day Gigi hoped they still had potato soup on the lunch menu. Her stomach wasn’t ready for anything heavy, not after that horrible illness.

  Tansy looked up in the rearview mirror and caught Gigi’s eye. “It’s time our daughters stepped up and joined the organization.”

  “Good luck with that,” Gigi said. “Carlene is going through a divorce and running a business. Can’t you just see her getting all dressed up in something halfway conservative and going to a lunch in the middle of the week?”

  Sugar looked out the side window from her place in the backseat of the minivan. “Don’t look at me. Alma Grace is still fuming over the Easter program at church. I’m not even sure I can talk her into stuffing plastic eggs with us after she gets off work on Saturday. This is not a good time to approach her about joining anything.”

  Gigi touched Sugar on the shoulder. “Didn’t you hear about Sunday?”

  “If you or Tansy didn’t tell me, then no, I didn’t hear about Sunday.”

  “Have you seen Alma Grace?” Gigi asked.

  “Every day.”

  Tansy snapped her fingers and shook her head at Gigi. “Maybe that’s Alma Grace’s story to tell, Gigi.”

  “If that’s so, then she should have told her mama before now. Did she tell you about her date with that cop?” Gigi asked.

  Sugar raised her chin a notch. “And I’m real glad that she listened when the good Lord spoke to her and told her that she could not take vengeance upon herself. Me, I’d have cracked that wine bottle over Lenny’s head and then went to work on Kitty with the broken end.”

  Tansy gasped.

  “Don’t be so shocked. I would have repented and promised to never do it again,” Sugar said.

  Their driver parked the van right in front of the doors and hurried around the front to open doors for the ladies. “Y’all going to be about an hour and a half, right?”

  “That’s right, Larry. You can go do whatever you want and come back and get us if you don’t want to wait,” Sugar said.

  “I’m going to go to the hospital and have lunch with my wife in the cafeteria there. She works in housekeeping and it’ll be a great surprise for her.” He smiled.

  “Don’t worry if you’re a little late, and…” Sugar pulled a bill from her pocket and handed it to him. “Lunch is on us. We appreciate you driving.”

  “Well, thank you. You are so sweet, Miz Sugar.”

  “Don’t be thinking that little gesture will win you any favors with those old barracudas waiting for us,” Gigi told her sister as they made their way inside the restaurant.

  “God rewards those who are kind,” Sugar quipped.

  ***

  Tansy ordered spaghetti with marinara sauce but after two bites she pushed her plate to one side and sipped sweet tea. She scanned the table for eight. Three were Fannins so she needed two more votes to carry the proposal. She couldn’t count on Edna Green because she was friends with Floy and she’d vote against anything that Tansy suggested. The president already said that she didn’t think they should spend any unnecessary money that year. That left three fairly new members on the committee that she might sway.

  The president stood up and led the discussion against buying new flags because next year would be the 150th celebration of the end of the Civil War. In her opinion their money should be spent on a big blowout that year. They could approach the idea of new and bigger flags at that time. Until then the old ones would hold up one more year.

  She ended with, “We need to have a serious membership drive. Two of us have been responsible for going to the cemeteries alone for the past ten years and putting the flags up for our holiday. Those of you”—she cut her eyes around at Tansy—“with daughters should be grooming them to take over their inherited responsibilities.”

  “So Tansy, unless you are planning to buy the flags and put them out yourself, then I suppose we are ready for a vote,” she said.

  Tansy stood up slowly. “Those flags are a disgrace to the Confederacy. They’re faded and torn. Why should our daughters be inducted into an organization that cares more about a damned Valentine’s dinner than buying decent flags for the cemetery on our Memorial Day? Now we can vote.”

  Tansy was disappointed when the vote didn’t go her way but by damn next year Patrice would be a member. They’d think they’d done gone to battle with a buzz saw when she made up her mind about flags or parties.

  “One down, one to go. We didn’t do too hot in that one. Hope we do better with the plastic eggs,” Gigi said as they made a side trip to the ladies’ room at the end of the luncheon.

  The president of the organization was coming out when Tansy opened the door. “Oh, pardon me. A word in private, Gigi,” she said.

  “Whatever you’ve got to say to me, they can hear,” Gigi said.

  “This has nothing to do with the Confederacy but I wanted to congratulate y’all on entering the chili cook-off. My husband is a member of the Beefeaters Team. Next year the wives of the Angus Association plan to get up our own team since y’all have broken the ice.”

  “Why couldn’t you say that in front of all of us?” Gigi asked.

  The woman pulled a hundred-dollar bill from her pocket. “I wanted to give this to you anonymously to put toward your campaign and I don’t want the Beefeaters to know about it,” she said sheepishly.

  “Thank you,” Tansy said. “And it will be kept a secret.”

  “I’ll see to it that she’s not president next year for the big celebration. We’ll be voting in the fall and I’m making sure Patrice is a member before election,” Tansy said.

  “How many years does a person have to be inside before they can be president? I forgot,” Sugar said.

  “No one’s ever been voted in right after joining. It’s a big job,” Tansy said.

  “Then put me up for the vote. When Edna finishes her term, I’ll be president and I’ll install Patrice as vice president and we’ll sit back and watch her bring this business to the modern world standards and thinking,” Gigi said.

  Tansy nodded seriously. “That could work. And we’ll have a lot of clout because word will get around about the plastic eggs and the fact that we were the first
women to enter the chili cook-off.”

  “And win it,” Gigi said.

  ***

  If Carlene had anything to do with fashion, baby-doll pajamas would be back in style that spring. She had updated the old seventies style, complete with bloomer bottoms, and she’d whipped up six pair to test the waters. She’d just finished creating one in bright yellow with a flowing, see-through top with spaghetti sequin straps. The bloomers had matching sequins scattered on them to glitter and flash in soft candlelight.

  She looked up at the clock and laid all her things to one side. It was almost time for the church Easter egg committee and she was a member even though she was sporadic about attending. If her mama and aunts could go after being sick, there was nothing that she could use for an excuse not to be present.

  Her mission was twofold. Someone had to be there to keep Aunt Sugar from scratching Kitty’s eyeballs out. And to vote with her mama and Aunt Sugar to use plastic eggs filled with candy. She hadn’t liked real eggs when she was a kid and that was twenty years before. With all the hype about bad eggs causing everything from salmonella to ingrown toenails these days, mothers would rather their kids got bad teeth from too much candy.

  Alma Grace caught her in the foyer. “I’ll go to the church on Saturday and help stuff plastic eggs if you can help vote out those nasty real eggs.”

  “I’m holding you to that,” Carlene said.

  Alma Grace nodded seriously. “You’ve got my word and that’s as good as gold. And we’ll guilt Patrice into helping us.”

  Larry was sitting on the church porch, leaning against a porch post with his cowboy hat pulled down over his eyes, when Carlene arrived.

  “You driving today?” Carlene asked.

  He tipped up his hat with one finger. “It’s a tough job but someone has to do it.” He grinned. “Your mama said to tell you to come to the back door. They’re meeting in the fellowship hall.”

  “Thanks.” Carlene stepped around him.

  Floy sat at the end of a long table with her minions all lined up on the left side. On the right side were the three Fannin sisters, Kim, and Agnes. Carlene slid in beside her mother. The whole place had the feeling of a funeral about it—quiet, cold, and stiff.

  Floy stood up and said, “Okay, we are here to decide on a time for the Easter egg hunt on Sunday afternoon. We’ve always had it out at Violet’s Plantation but she’s not feeling up to that many people since she’s been so sick. So do I have any suggestions for another place?”

  Agnes snorted. Granted it was barely more than a grunt but it was big enough to classify as a snort.

  Violet snarled at Agnes. “You don’t even have a right to be here. You haven’t been in church since last fall.”

  “I beg to disagree,” Agnes said. “I’ve been in church every Sunday and most Wednesday nights. It just hasn’t been in this church. However, I have not legally moved my membership and I have been on the Easter program and egg committee for fifty years so I do have a right to be here. Y’all can have the Easter egg hunt in my front yard if you want to.”

  Kitty’s head looked like a bobble doll when she wiggled it around. “That is not big enough for an Easter egg hunt, and you know it Agnes Flynn.”

  “You can have it at my house. We have a twenty-acre backyard of rolling hills. Jamie and the hired hands will set up a tent with refreshments. Tell everyone to bring lawn chairs and blankets,” Sugar said.

  “That is so sweet,” Beulah said. “It’ll be like that last scene in Steel Magnolias. I always loved that part of the movie. I vote that we have our egg hunt at Sugar Magee’s place. Anyone second it?”

  Carlene raised her hand. “I’ll second the motion.”

  Floy’s words came out through gritted teeth, “The motion has been made and seconded. This year’s egg hunt will be at Sugar and Jamie Magee’s. The announcement will be made on Sunday morning and we’ll put it in the local news section of the newspaper this week to let everyone know that it is for the whole community. Now who’s up for making cookies for refreshments?”

  Sugar raised her hand. “I’ll take care of that and the sweet tea and coffee. I’ll call Clawdy’s tomorrow and get them to cater it for us. The ranch will provide all refreshments.”

  Floy’s smile was more like a grimace. “Okay, let the minutes show that Sugar has volunteered to do the refreshments this year as well as have the egg hunt at her place.”

  Sugar pushed back her chair and stood. “I’d like to make a motion that we have the hunt at my house every year and let the minutes show that I will take care of the refreshments every year, also.”

  Violet jumped up so fast that her little beady eyes had trouble keeping up with the motion. “You are just trying to run the whole church like your daughter did the Easter program but it’s not going to happen, Sugar Magee.”

  “I second the motion,” Tansy said above Violet’s yelling.

  Floy clapped her hands. “Quiet. This is a business meeting, not a free for all. Since we have a disagreement we will have a vote. All in favor of moving the egg hunt permanently to Sugar’s, please raise your hand.”

  Beulah’s hand shot up quickly and the expression on her face said that she knew she’d done the wrong thing immediately. It was seven to five, with her vote swinging the decision to move the egg hunt permanently.

  “Thank you, Beulah,” Agnes said.

  Beulah put her hand down slowly like a little kid who, without thinking about the consequences, had just shot his teacher the bird.

  “It does make more sense,” she whispered.

  Agnes leaned across the table and said, “You might as well move on over here in our camp.”

  Violet pointed but the gold fingernail was gone and somehow her authority had gone with it. “Oh, hush, Agnes.”

  “And now for the controversy over the eggs.” Floy raised her voice over the noisy comments that had started. “In my opinion we should keep the old ways and dye real eggs. That’s what makes it an egg hunt. The other way should be billed as a candy hunt.”

  Carlene raised her hand. “I’d like to point out that plastic eggs and candy do not cost more than real eggs. When y’all raised chickens and gave the eggs to the church for the egg hunt, it was one thing, but now you have to buy them, throw away what gets broken in boiling, and deal with the big job of dying them. And then you have to be so careful hauling them to the hunt. Plus mothers won’t let their kids eat them because they might contract salmonella from eating eggs that have been cooked that far in advance.”

  “That’s bullshit,” Kitty said loudly. “We boil them, color them, and refrigerate them until time to hide them.”

  “Would you let Lenny eat one?” Sugar asked.

  She and Kitty locked gazes and neither one of them blinked.

  “Lenny has been very ill. Only today has he been well enough that I could even leave his side. I wanted to take him to the hospital but he is such a big strong man that he would have none of it,” Kitty said.

  “That’s not what I asked,” Sugar said.

  “No, of course not. He couldn’t eat a boiled egg today. But if he was a little boy, I’d let him eat one,” Kitty countered.

  The noise started again with everyone either expressing their concern for Lenny or else talking about plastic eggs. Carlene hit the table with her fist and the room went as quiet as the calm before a tornado. “You wouldn’t let him eat something that made him sick, Kitty, not even to get back at me.”

  “Lenny is not a part of this.” Kitty looked at Floy. “I make a motion that we use real eggs and keep our old traditions and it has nothing to do with how much I dislike you.”

  “I make a motion that we use plastic eggs so the kids won’t get sick and so that the eggs aren’t ground into the earth when they step on them in their rush to hunt them,” Sugar said.

  “I second Sugar’s motion,” Tansy said.

  “I second Kitty’s motion,” someone else said.

  “And I’m the president and yo
u are supposed to wait for me to ask for someone to second a motion.” Floy raised her voice again.

  Kitty glared across the table at Sugar. “You just want to keep those nasty smelling eggs out of your yard.”

  “Point proven. Nasty smelling eggs, folks. Out of her mouth, not mine,” Sugar said.

  “Jury can’t decide.” Agnes laughed. “Call the preacher.”

  Kim pulled her phone out of her purse. “I’ll take care of that. I do believe he is in his study so this shouldn’t take long.”

  Isaac arrived in a couple of minutes. His light brown hair was wet with sweat, his glasses slid down on his nose, and his khaki shorts had grass stains on them. “I was mowing, ladies, so forgive the way I look. Now what is this problem?”

  Carlene stole a look at Kim and got a slight blush and a smile in return.

  “We have a locked vote on whether we should have real eggs or plastic ones,” Floy said. “I think we should stick with the old traditions and stay with real eggs.”

  “And Sugar?” Isaac looked at her.

  “I think that we shouldn’t waste our money on eggs that the kids wouldn’t eat anyway and that their mothers won’t let them eat for fear of having sick kids. We can buy the plastic eggs and fill them with candy. Tansy has offered to foot the bill for the eggs and Gigi will buy all the candy to fill them. We just need the whole committee plus any other volunteers to help stuff them on Saturday. The men and teenage boys can hide them just as well as they can real eggs,” Sugar said.

  Isaac glanced at Kim and said, “My vote is for the plastic. I sure wouldn’t want one of our children to come down ill from eating tainted eggs. Is the issue settled then, ladies?”

  Sugar smiled. “Thank you, Pastor Isaac.”

  Isaac pushed up his glasses and nodded. “You are very welcome. I expect you will all be here to help on Saturday. If you are going to be here at lunchtime, each of you could bring a casserole. I’ll even tell the men’s Sunday school class to come around and lend a hand, too. Good day, ladies. I’ve got to get back to my mowing. Springtime means the grass is green and healthy.”

  “Yes,” Agnes said under her breath.