The Red-Hot Chili Cook-Off

by Carolyn Brown

  “You old fool. You just ruined Easter,” Violet said.

  “No, I just made it the best one ever for the kids. Hell, maybe we’ll even get more kids out to the hunt when they find out they ain’t huntin’ eggs that they have to throw at my mailbox,” she said.

  “Y’all going to be here Saturday?” Kim asked. “If you’re not, then I’ll take over as president for you that day.”

  Floy raised her hand. “I’ll be here. The day that you take over my spot is the day I’ll be knocking on heaven’s door.”

  Kim leaned over and whispered in Carlene’s ear, “I told you that corset would do the trick. She might want to go to heaven but she’s not ready to crawl up in a casket just yet, and by this time next year, I’ll be the preacher’s wife. We’ll see how much power they all have then. But you know what the crazy thing is? I started off to get even with them and I’ve plumb fallen in love with Isaac. Now tell me about the chili cook-off. Can I do anything to help y’all out with it?”

  ***

  Gigi waited until they were in the van to explode. “I volunteered to buy the candy?”

  “And I’m buying all the eggs?” Tansy asked.

  “Yes, you are and you’ll get blessed for doing it. Besides it’s a tax write-off and I needed Pastor Isaac to see that we were a united front. I think he’s afraid of us when we stand together,” Sugar said. “Larry, here’s my ranch credit card. When you take us to Bless My Bloomers, I want you to go to Walmart and wherever else that sells plastic eggs and bags of small individually wrapped candy and buy…” She looked at Gigi.

  “We usually make thirty dozen eggs but that’s just when the church kids are invited. We always wanted them to have at least eight or ten each,” Gigi said.

  “Then get eighty to a hundred dozen plastic eggs and enough candy to fill them up. This has to be the best hunt ever,” Sugar said.

  “Okay,” Gigi said.

  “That’ll only be about a hundred dollars for each of you to cough up. I’ll spend five times that amount on cookies, tarts, sweet tea, and coffee and it’ll be worth every single dime,” Sugar said.

  A knock on the window beside Sugar put an end to the argument. They turned to see Kim standing there waving a bill. Sugar pushed the button to roll down the window and Kim handed her the fifty through the window. “The lady who gave me that to give to you as a donation to the Red-Hot Bloomers Team wants to remain anonymous and I can’t tell you her name but her husband is on the Stingers Team and she’s mad at him this week.”

  Larry dropped them at the back door of Bless My Bloomers and said he’d be back in an hour and a half. The supply catalogs were already spread out on the kitchen table and all three of the mamas sunk into chairs.

  Alma Grace poked her head in the kitchen and gasped. “My God, y’all look like the wrath of Lucifer hit you. You should all three be home taking a nap, not here.”

  Carlene came through the back door and sat down with them. “You could have ridden back here with me.”

  “We needed to talk to Larry and send him to buy eggs and candy,” Sugar said.

  “Get us some sweet tea. We’ve all got a faintin’ spell after fightin’ for new flags, buyin’ stuff to make our first batch of chili, which by the way we will be serving Saturday at the Easter egg–stuffing party, and then winning the war against real eggs,” Tansy said.

  “What happened?” Alma Grace asked.

  Gigi picked up the catalog while Sugar told the story. She turned the page and there was a hot-pink canopy with frilly black lace around the top. It advertised Precious Penny’s Escort Service in black letters across the top and showed it with three ladies sitting behind a six-foot table covered in a hot-pink and black-striped cloth.

  “This is the one,” Gigi said.

  “Mama, we are the Red-Hot Bloomers. Don’t you think it should be red?” Carlene asked. “And that is a canopy, not a tent.”

  Tansy held the page open with her forefinger. “I agree with Gigi. That is the one. Order all of it, the canopy, the cloths for the tables, and the tiebacks for the sides. And spend the extra money for that thing.” She pointed to a picture on the adjoining page that showed an easel with a picture in a gold gilt frame. “They’ve used a picture of their staff and we will use a picture of all of us in our T-shirts. We’re buying seven. One for each of us and one for Josie. We might not all be on the team but we all support it.”

  Tansy nodded. “Pink for the first all women’s team. You think Josie will like it?”

  Josie stuck her head in the back door. “That’s the one I picked out before I got sick so it’s got my vote. I think our T-shirts ought to keep with the same theme. Hot pink with bold black letters.”

  “You’re back. I can’t believe you are back. You don’t have to do a thing but just be here,” Carlene squealed and rushed across the room to hug her.

  “I dropped by to tell you I’ll be here Monday morning.” She pulled out a chair and sat down. “Looks like four of us have stared the grim reaper in the face and outran the sorry sucker. All these smart-ass folks who are betting against us are going down hard. If it’s true that what don’t kill us makes us stronger then the Fannin sisters and I are all four made of steel.”

  “You got it,” Tansy said.

  Chapter 16

  Patrice stopped so quickly inside her living room that evening that Carlene and Alma Grace plowed into her back. She had to grab the wall to keep from falling flat out on her face. Something gritted under her feet and Alma Grace squealed at the same time.

  A broken crystal vase made Patrice glad that she hadn’t kicked off her high heels in the car. Something brushed against her leg and the neighbor’s big yellow cat made a flying leap toward the window, bounced off it, shook himself off, and made a beeline down the hall with all three women behind him.

  Patrice slapped a palm over each cheek when she realized the bird wasn’t on his perch. “Dakshani! Where are you?” She raced to her bedroom, dropped down on her knees, and lifted the bed skirt. There was the cat, crouched down, with feathers hanging out of his mouth.

  She rolled back on her butt and put her head in her hands. “Shit! He ate Dakshani.”

  “How did he even get into the house?” Clarice sat down on the edge of the bed.

  “Are you sure he ate him?” Sugar whispered.

  “He’s got gray feathers hanging out of his mouth.”

  “We’ll go to Dallas right now and buy another one. Cockatiels all look just alike,” Alma Grace said.

  “Well, Tansy!” Patrice quipped.

  “A new one wouldn’t talk,” Carlene explained. “And it wouldn’t have the rhinestone leash around its leg. Aunt Tansy had that made special at the jewelry shop.”

  Patrice looked under the bed again. “He’s got part of the leash dangling out the side of his mouth.”

  “It must’ve been a helluva fight. Curtains are ripped and snagged, stuff is knocked off and broken everywhere I look,” Carlene said.

  “Mama is going to cry,” Patrice said.

  “The first thing we’ve got to do is get that cat out of here. Someone had to have put it in the house because I locked the door,” Alma Grace said.

  “Kitty!” Carlene said.

  “I know it’s a kitty cat did it but it’s not my fault,” Alma Grace said.

  “No, Kitty Lovelle. She is so mad about us joining the chili cook-off and winning the fight for the eggs that she did it and she’s blaming me for that cooker theft. I know she did,” Carlene said.

  Carlene noticed the open window just as the cat scampered out from the other side of the bed. He jumped through it and a flash of yellow took off around the house. She pulled back the sheers and jerked the mini blinds up. “It wasn’t a cat that scratched his way in through the screen. That thing has been cut all the way around. I’m tellin’ you, Kitty did it. It’s payback. She knows I’m allergic to cats. She stayed with us while her house was getting painted and brought her cat. I had to take allergy pills every sin
gle day.”

  “But Dakshani?” Patrice asked.

  “She had no idea there was a bird in the house. It’s just payback for me,” Carlene said.

  “Well, Tansy!”

  “You don’t have to keep reminding me. Carlene already told me,” Alma Grace said.

  “Well, Tansy! Well, Tansy! Well, Tansy!”

  They all looked up at the same time and there was Dakshani, his little orange cheeks, topknot, and beady eyes barely visible as he peeked out over the top of the bowl-shaped light fixture up next to the ceiling.

  He craned his neck in every possibly direction, flew down, and lit on Alma Grace’s head.

  She stiffened her shoulders and shivered. “Get him off me.”

  “It’s just a bird,” Patrice said. “Come on, darlin’. Mama is going to be so upset that your pretty tail feathers are gone.” She talked baby talk and sounded just like Tansy. Dakshani hopped onto her finger and left a yellow and green blob on the carpet at her feet.

  Alma Grace raised a hand and then stopped midair. “Oh, shit!”

  “You got that right.” Patrice giggled.

  “Patrice, check my hair. See if that bird left anything in my hair,” Alma Grace whined.

  “I’ve got to get him in his cage. I don’t have time to see if he crapped on your head. If he did, take it as a sign from God that you been prayin’ too much,” Patrice said.

  “I hate birds. I really, really hate them.”

  “Bend down here. I’ll check your hair,” Carlene said. “And then I’ll get some paper towels and clean up the carpet. Patrice, you just make sure the bird is safe.

  Patrice baby-talked to him all the way to the cage. When she opened the door, he hopped inside and pecked at a special bird biscuit hanging on the side.

  “Well, Tansy!” he said but he kept a wary eye out for cats.

  ***

  Alma Grace was in luck. Nothing was on her head. Carlene headed toward the kitchen for paper towels but before she took two steps Alma Grace squealed.

  “There he is.”

  A big yellow cat had jumped up on the outside windowsill. He licked his lips as he watched every movement that Dakshani made.

  “That’s the neighbor’s cat, isn’t it? That one has a white patch on his head. The one that was in the house was darker and didn’t have any white,” Alma Grace said.

  “It was a stray that Kitty rounded up from somewhere. I know that woman and I know she did it,” Carlene answered.

  The neighbor’s son looked through the window, grabbed his yellow cat, and took off.

  Carlene took off for the front door, being careful not to step on any glass. She slung it open and yelled, “You stop right there! Don’t you take another step, young man, or I’m calling the police.”

  Ronnie set the cat down slowly, dropped down on his knees, and put his hands behind his head. Kids watched too much television these days. An eight-year-old boy shouldn’t even know to do that.

  “Have you seen anyone around the house today or anytime this past week?”

  “Please don’t be callin’ the police. My mama will skin me alive.”

  “Ronnie?” Patrice leaned out the window.

  Tears streamed down the little boy’s face when he saw Patrice. “Miz Lovelle give me ten dollars and she said if I don’t tell she’ll give me ten more if I’d check all the windows every mornin’ to see if any of them would open.” He fished around in his jeans pocket and brought out a ten-dollar bill, wadded up into a ball. “Give it back to Miz Lovelle and tell her that I don’t want it.”

  Carlene reached out and took it from him. “You did the right thing, Ronnie. But from now on, you don’t do anything that you’d be ashamed for your mama to know, okay?”

  “Yes, ma’am, and I’m sorry. Can I go home now?”

  “Yes, you can.”

  He turned and disappeared around the side of the house.

  Carlene and Alma Grace went back inside and shut the door behind them.

  “Kitty would have thought finding an unlocked window was perfect timing after the Easter egg thing,” Carlene said.

  “What are we going to do about this?” Patrice asked.

  “Pray,” Alma Grace said and dropped her head before either cousin could say a word. “Dear Lord, I’m grateful for this lovely spring day and such beautiful weather that you have given us. I give thanks for my cousin, Carlene, because she took care of me today when she made sure my hair wasn’t crapped on, so bless her with something real nice. I’m glad that Dakshani is alive even though I have fussed about not liking him in the past. You have saved Aunt Tansy from heartbreak by giving birds wings so they can escape cats. Now Lord, you have proven to me that vengeance is yours so now I come to you asking that you rain coals of fire down upon Kitty Lovelle’s head for being so mean. I realize that we pulled some pranks but you didn’t tell us no. I’ve got a feeling Kitty didn’t even ask for your opinion before she put a cat in this house with Dakshani.”

  Carlene bowed her head at that moment and shut her eyes.

  Alma Grace took a deep breath and went on. “Please give Aunt Tansy the grace not to shoot Kitty, but if she does, help her to aim straight and to make it quick so that Kitty does not lie in pain and misery.”

  Patrice’s eyes went shut and she bowed her head.

  “And be with the sisters, Mama and Aunt Gigi, at the church tomorrow. Help them to realize that the house of God is not a place to snatch Kitty Lovelle baldheaded or to burn her at the stake out in the yard. Help them to understand that the yard is also consecrated ground and to remember to take her to the field on down south of the property where there are plenty of sticks lyin’ around to use for kindling. And Lord, I’m trying to forgive Carlene for doing all this right before Easter but it’s pretty tough so I need more strength. In the name of your sweet son, Jesus, I ask these things and beg forgiveness in the same name for the times when I have sinned. Amen.”

  “Amen,” Carlene and Patrice said in unison.

  “I’m taking Dakshani home right now and y’all are coming with me. He’s not spending another night in this house. We’ve been invited to Aunt Sugar’s for supper but we’ll take the bird home first,” Patrice said.

  “You going to tell her?” Alma Grace asked.

  “Yes, ma’am. She’ll find out anyway so we might as well tell her right up front. Kitty will brag about it to Violet. She’ll brag about it to Beulah who can’t keep a damn thing so she’ll tell Agnes who will tell Mama. And then I’ll catch hell for not being honest. Ronnie isn’t the only one that has got a mama that he’s afraid of.”

  Alma Grace giggled. “I didn’t know you were afraid of anything.”

  “Not even the devil scares me like Mama,” Patrice said. “We’ll clean up later. Help me load up that bird and all his equipment and let’s go.”

  “Why did you even ask if Patrice was going to tell? Don’t you want her to?”

  Alma Grace set her mouth in a firm line. “Oh, yes. If she didn’t tell, I would. I hope she rips every one of those dyed black hairs out of Kitty’s head and lets Dakshani peck her eyes out. She deserves it for letting that cat in here.”

  “Ah, how sweet of you.” Patrice smiled.

  “Sweet, nothing. That bird almost crapped on my head.”

  ***

  Tansy almost went into heart failure when she saw poor Dakshani’s tail but Gigi reminded her that he could have been supper instead of just de-tailed. Even that didn’t make her laugh. Patrice had never seen Tansy so mad. If bad auras could be hurled through the air, Kitty had best be ducking and dodging like a pro boxer.

  Patrice sincerely hoped that Alma Grace’s prayer did not get stuck on the ceiling, and since she’d done such a good job, she didn’t even begrudge her going off to the Rib Joint to have a glass of tea with Rick instead of back home with her to help with the cleanup. And she couldn’t fuss at Carlene for dashing off to the shop to put the finishing touches on a cute little peignoir set that a woman had ordere
d to wear on the cruise celebrating her twenty-fifth wedding anniversary.

  Still, Patrice hated to face all the havoc that one yellow cat and a bird had created in her house. She’d be cleaning until midnight and then getting up the next day and going back to work to finish up quarterly tax forms.

  Doorknob in hand, she was about to push inside and tackle the job when the door flew open and there stood Yancy. The house smelled like chocolate brownies and two wine glasses sat on the counter.

  “You and the cousins have a little argument in here?” he asked.

  Patrice kicked off her shoes and wrapped her arms around Yancy’s neck. “Bless your heart. You’ve cleaned it all up. I love you, Yancy.”

  “And made double-fudge brownies with cream cheese icing, and bought a bottle of wine so you could tell me all about it. Have they moved out?”

  “No, and we didn’t have a fight but you are the most wonderful man on the earth,” she said.

  He led her to the sofa and sat down beside her.

  “Wine first,” she said.

  “Then the story about how someone had a field day with china and tried to rip your sheer curtains to shreds? I trashed them. They couldn’t be repaired,” he said.

  Patrice told what had happened between bites of three brownies and two glasses of wine, finishing with taking poor old Dakshani home and how her mother had almost fainted when she saw him.

  “You are shittin’ me,” he said when she finished. “We should make sure that Jack Landry knows what has happened. The only thing that’ll be left of the church is the bell and that’s only because it’s made of metal and can’t be torn apart. Women are vicious.”

  Patrice shrugged. “If you could have heard the prayer that Alma Grace sent up, you’d be even more worried. And honey, Alma Grace did show the side of her that wasn’t so sweet today. I didn’t know she had it in her.” She did her best to repeat the prayer word for word.

  “Holy hell!”

  “I know and I even said ‘amen’ when she finished.”

  Yancy drew her close to his side and kissed her forehead.

  She snuggled down closer into his arms. “It’s been a rough day. Everyone is gone for a while. Let’s go to bed.”