by Brenda Ford
“Well, well, well,” Lux drawls in what I’m sure he thinks is a charming voice. “Long time no see. You look good, babe. Shit, I expected you to look old as fuck since you refused to visit me inside, except when the lawyers forced you to when that bullshit divorce went through. But no, you look good, baby girl.”
Urgh, those words ‘baby girl’. They might sound like a cute nick name, but he uses them to demoralize me and make me feel small. The sad thing is it still works even after all this time apart. I’m fearful, like I’m walking on egg shells, just waiting for him to flip out and hit me once more.
“Aren’t you even going to say thank you?” he mocks with an annoying laugh. “Or compliment me?”
“I… you don’t look any different,” I practically whisper. “Jail hasn’t been hard on you.”
Instantly I can tell by his body language that it was the wrong thing to say. His shoulders roll upwards, his nostrils flare, his eyes glass over and he gets a redness to his cheeks. I don’t know who he’s trying to convince that he’s changed, but it isn’t working for me. I can clearly see him in there.
“It wasn’t a fucking walk in the park, you know? I was in there for twelve Goddamn years and everyone who was supposed to support me, turned their backs on me. Including my fucking wife. That bitch divorced me. After putting me in jail, she tossed me aside like I was a piece of shit which meant nothing.”
“I didn’t put you in jail,” I remind him. “I can see why you’re confused because I could have but I didn’t.”
He freezes, the cogs in his brain spinning wildly. This is exactly why Lux should not have been freed. He can’t even remember what he did wrong, he has no idea why he was locked away. How can a man who kills two people in a car accident because he was wasted behind the wheel not careful enough to even remember the people he killed? And still be considered to walk free? That makes no sense.
Marie and Patrick Clayton. Twenty year old newly-weds, on the way to the airport for an early flight for their honeymoon, got caught in the path of fucking Lux who was on his way back from a casino, pissed off completely because he’d lost a fortune and wasted because he couldn’t gamble without drinking. He was always at the casino and whatever happened there would dictate the next few days of my life… these were going to be bad ones.
I remember their names well, and their faces. Her red hair and smattering of freckles across her nose. Those green eyes and wide smile of his. Such a sweet lovely couple. Destined to be happy ever after. They haunt me and it wasn’t even me in the car, yet Lux doesn’t even know what he has done.
That car crash ruined me. When it happened, I shouldered the blame for allowing him to go out that night, not that I could have done anything to stop him. I was upset that my husband could have done that. It was awful… but it was also the freedom that I needed from him. If that hadn’t happened, we would have stayed together until he’d eventually beat me to death, leaving Rosie with no parents at all. That would have been terrible too.
But I’m not free now. I am a bit; I suppose because we aren’t married anymore and there is no chance in hell for us ever getting back together. But with him out of jail, I can’t relax. I won’t ever be able to again.
“Look, Lux.” I sigh loudly. “Why don’t we just get down to business? What are you doing here?”
He reaches across the table and tries to take my hand in his. Lux has the audacity to actually look shocked when I snatch it away. Does he honestly believe that I will ever allow him to touch me again?
“Why are you acting like that, baby girl?” An ice cold shiver races down my spine. “I know that things got a little… heated in the past, but like I said, I have changed now. Prison made me a better person.”
“Heated?” I sneer. “If you’re this better person now all of a sudden then at least be honest about what it was like. Heated is when there are raised voices and a lot of yelling. This wasn’t heated, this was you putting me in the hospital all the time, my body covered in bruises, fearing for my life.”
He glares at me, not liking any argument coming back from me. I must be the one that has changed because I could never stand up for myself before. At least we’re in a public place so he can’t lash out at me… not that it has always stopped him in the past. Once he smashed my face on the side walk after a drunken row. Another time, he punched me at a bus stop. Both times, everyone else was too scared to get involved to help me.
Why am I even here? I suddenly ask myself. What the hell am I doing?
“Can I get your order?” a waitress asks, making me jump. I almost forgot that we’re here to eat. And I do know why I came really. For Rosie. To see what her father has become, to work out if he’s worthwhile these days. She will soon find out that he’s out and I want to know who he is so I can warn her.
“Water, please,” I growl. “Soup too.”
“You on one of those fad diets?” Lux mocks me. “I wouldn’t bother. You don’t lose it properly. It will all just pile on. Especially the older you get, and well… no one is getting any younger.”
As he orders himself a whiskey and a steak, I accidently catch the waitress’s eyes which is a big mistake because she feels sorry for me. She’s embarrassed on my behalf which sucks. I don’t need that. I need her to leave this table now. I actually need to leave this building, to get the fuck away from Lux.
“Why do you always do that?” I hiss as soon as we’re alone. “Try to humiliate me?”
“Lighten up, will you? It’s just a bit of fun. You always make it so boring.”
Wow, now he’s putting the blame on me. Typical Lux. He really hasn’t changed and if all that time in jail makes no difference then it won’t happen ever. I mean, how can he even be drinking again after what he did? Sure, he didn’t come in a car which is something, but I would assume that he wouldn’t touch the stuff again.
“Don’t give me that look,” he spits out as the drink comes to the table. “It’s my life now. You made that perfectly clear when you failed on your wedding vows and you turned your back on me.”
There are so many ways in which I want to argue this, but I don’t. And not just because he basically has me fearful and conditioned not to. But also, because arguing is just a pointless set of words if it can’t have any impact on the other person, and Lux isn’t ever going to learn. In his mind, he will always be right and the rest of the world wrong. That’s just the way he is. Instead, I purse my lips tightly together.
“Don’t look like that. It’s exactly what you did. You divorced me so you could go and fuck your way around town. I’m sure that’s exactly what you did while I was inside. But now, it’s time to make it up to me.”
“First off, it’s none of your business what I did while you were inside because of the divorce…”
“So, I will take that as a yes then.” He gives me a smug smile as he folds his arms across his chest.
“No, I didn’t say that, I just said that it’s none of your business…”
“Uh oh, did no one want you?” God, he loves the idea of that. “Well, it’s okay because I am back on the scene now. Of course, I will want to sow some wild oats now that I’m finally free, I’m sure that you understand that, but I don’t see why me, and you can’t start making tracks again. Slowly but surely.”
“I don’t see any world in which me and you should be together again. It was a disaster.”
“Then why the fuck did you come? Why bother if you aren’t going to be with me?”
As if the waitress seems to sense the worst moments to arrive, she turns up again, this time with the food. My soup which I will slurp down in seconds to get the hell away from him, and his steak barely cooked so the blood is practically pouring out of it. I resist the urge to make a comment about that.
Once the waitress leaves, I lean back in to Lux, ignoring the food. “I came here because we share a daughter, unless you have forgotten about her as well. I thought you might want to see her.”
“Oh, I am goin
g to see her,” he replies confidently. “As soon as we’re done here.”
“What the hell do you mean? You can’t just go and see her. She doesn’t even know that you’re out.”
“What a fucking surprise.” A redness that I’m sure is blood trickles down his chin as he talks. Lux doesn’t even seem to notice it. “My bitch ex-wife kept my daughter away from me the whole time I was in jail…”
“Because it isn’t a place for a young girl to visit.”
“But even now you’re still doing it even though I’m out. You are the one who is trying to keep my daughter away from me but mind you that you can’t keep me away forever.”
I narrow my eyes, the anger starting to really get to me. “You seem to forget that Rosie is an adult now. Twenty two years of age. When she turned eighteen the choice became hers and she chose not to see you. She was ten when you were taken away, she has a lot of unpleasant memories of you. If you want to see her then you need to make things right. I just came here as an intermediary to see if you’re worth spending any time with her.”
“And now you will go home and fill her head with more poison. Fucking perfect.”
“I don’t know why you’re acting like I’m a bad person, Lux. That isn’t me.”
“Because you ruined my fucking life.” He scrapes his chair back hard and bangs his fists on the table, making an unnecessary scene. I’m sure everyone is looking at us which makes this incredibly awkward. “If I didn’t meet you and we didn’t get married, if you didn’t piss me off all the time then I wouldn’t touch booze. You drove me to alcohol which ultimately led to all of my mistakes. I blame you.” He points so hard that he almost prods his finger into me. “And now you’re trying to keep me away from my daughter. Well, I won’t take it.”
As he spins on his heels and storms out, leaving me with the bill, my eyes hit the floor hard. It doesn’t matter that I have spent the last twelve years building up my confidence, a short meeting with Lux has crushed it once more. I know that I am not the one to blame for his substance abuse, but it still feels a little that way.
“Did you want the bill?” the waitress asks in a loud whisper. I can just tell that she’s loving all of this. It’s probably the best drama that she has had in here for ages.
“Sure,” I shoot back. “I have been paying for that man for twenty two years. Why not buy a steak as well?”
Chapter 5 - Nelson
I don’t understand how I ended up here, at this stupid party. I was going home; I made that choice and I started walking that way… but then my cell phone rang, and it was Derek, one of my actual friends, and I got sucked in to come here. I thought that hanging out with Derek and having a good time would take my mind off Amelia, but it hasn’t. Mostly because Derek and Sandi are too busy with each other, just like many others couples as if the world is going to end soon because we’re graduating. Just kissing and practically stripping one another down by the bonfire. I suppose I should be happy for him. He has liked her for ages, but I’m pissed off.
“Hey, Smith!” a jock who’s name I barely know even after all the years of us being at school together, calls out to me. “Are you coming on the vacay with the rest of us? Mike knows this great spot by the shore where he says the chicks are loose as hell. We can spend the summer fucking them all before college or whatever.”
I half smile at him but don’t give a committed answer either way. There isn’t a chance in hell that I’m going on a summer fuck fest (who the hell calls a vacation a ‘vacay’ anyway) with a bunch of guys who I didn’t even bother with in high school. What’s the point? All of a sudden, they don’t want to move on or they are doing whatever they can to cling to their school memories… how fucking tragic.
I don’t think anyone here realizes that high school is going to be such a short time of our lives, and if the time in school is the best of our lives then we’re really in the shit. That’s just our youth, the real beginning. I would like to believe that the endless decades that will come afterwards will be better.
I don’t see why the other guy think like they do and I’m sure they wouldn’t understand me either. We’re just too different. I must be odd, I don’t know. I guess I just haven’t found my place yet. Perhaps that will come when I go to college and I get on a writer’s course. Then I will meet some like-minded people. Well, I will if I can ever decide what college I want to go to… perhaps that is why I didn’t go back home!
“Nelson, would you like a drink,” a girl from my computer class calls out. God what the hell is her name too? Why the hell can’t I remember anyone? At this rate, I will end up leaving high school only remembering Amelia…
Oh, Amelia. Where the hell is she? Why is she out on some date with an asshole when all she really needs to do is wait a little longer for me? It makes me want to skip over the dead line and just go for her now. Wait for her to get back off her date and grab her to kiss her before the dick head who just brought her dinner and bored her for an hour talking about his job in finance can. She will see then. Our passion will overshadow everything…
“Hey, Nelson. Are you listening? It’s Luna. Remember me? From computer class. How drunk are you?”
Luna… of course. How can I not remember a name like that? “Er, a little drunk,” I laugh.
“Too drunk for another one?” She wiggles a cup at me. “I’m just getting another now.”
“Sure, I could do with another.” I give her my cup to fill. “So, what brings you here, Luna?”
“I don’t know, really. This isn’t my scene. I think it’s just because I’m off for the summer, taking a work program to assist myself with my course. So, this really is my last chance for a blow out.”
“Yeah?” That actually sounds pretty interesting. “What are you going to do?”
“I want to work in forensic science, helping the police solve crimes. But it’s a very competitive world, so I need to be the best of the best. Work experience as well as an education is an absolute must.
“Wow.” I wonder how I haven’t noticed Luna before. She isn’t like the other girls. She has a brain in there that she wants to use for something useful. She has ambition and plans for the future. It’s great. “That’s awesome.”
“What about you? You’re going into writing, right? Everyone knows that you’re the best writer.”
“Do they? How did I not know about this?” As she hands me my drink, I spot a glint of something in her eyes.
“Well, I don’t know. But I have noticed it. I think you’re a very talented writer.”
She moves over to a corner currently unoccupied by a couple trying to make the most of the night and I find myself following her to take a seat. We immediately fall into an easy chatter about our future which makes me wonder if there is anyone else that I haven’t noticed and if it’s too late for me to notice now. Perhaps I have spent the most important few months of my life so far fantasizing over a woman undressing…
Shit, that makes me feel utterly pathetic! How can I make up for that?
“So, anyway,” Luna suddenly says, her voice changing into something that can only be described as more sultry. “Since we’re all going to be apart soon, especially me before anyone else, I was wondering if this is a night you would like to remember?” I furrow my eyebrows confused. I probably should know what she’s getting at, but I don’t have a clue. It must be the booze. “I wouldn’t normally be so forward, this is actually a little embarrassing for me, but there is no time like the present. Carpe Diem and all that… so, since I have had a crush on you forever, would you like to come back to my place so we can… you know.” She blushes brightly. I can tell this isn’t something that she says a lot. “My parents are out of town so we would have the place to ourselves… I just don’t want to go to college a virgin, that’s all. I know that makes me the lamest person ever…”
“I don’t want to go to college a virgin either,” I suddenly realize. “That’s a good point.”
“You aren’t… are yo
u?” she asks, confused. “But you’re Nelson Smith. Nelson Smith.”
“I know who I am!” I laugh. “And yes, I am a virgin, but I don’t want to be anymore.”
After a brief moment looking at one another, trying to work each other out, Luna reaches across, and she takes my hand in hers. It doesn’t feel quite right and makes me more nervous than anything else, but when she pulls me to my feet, I go with it. Perhaps this is right really. I can’t remain a virgin because of some woman who doesn’t even want me really, who is on a date with someone else. I can’t go to college inexperienced. It will be embarrassing. Luna is a nice girl, why not lose it with her? It may well be a good idea to get it out of my system. Maybe that way I won’t be kind of stalking Miss Clark and can focus on other things.
Luna’s ambition has inspired me to be more focused on my future instead. That’s what I should be doing.
“It isn’t far from here,” Luna says with an excitable edge to her voice. “My house, I mean.”
Why don’t I feel excited about that? Sure, this isn’t the way that I thought my first time would go, but surely no one really gets their own way? It just kind of happens, doesn’t it? That’s why so many people end up disappointed. Adults are always saying that they wish they had saved the first time for someone they loved, don’t they? So, it’s like a right of passage to make a mistake. Par for the course…
Only as my eyes dart towards Luna, I realize that I don’t want to be that for her. Just a mistake. I don’t want her to be that for me either. She doesn’t deserve that. She really is a nice girl who deserves more.
“Luna.” I stop dead, basically forcing her to do the same thing. “I don’t think we should do this.”
“What? Why?” Instantly she appears crushed which isn’t what I wanted at all. “Why not?”
“Because it isn’t right, is it? It should be more special than this. Not something you just chuck away.”
She pulls me closer to her and rises up on her toes as if she’s going to kiss me, but I stand tall, making it obvious that it isn’t going to happen. I might be hurting her for a moment now, but I know that it’s the best thing to do. “I don’t want to go to college the pathetic virgin though. I can’t be that girl.”