by Brenda Ford
“Right, Monday morning. Of course.”
“Come in for ten AM and we will have the meeting then. Don’t come in before because you won’t be teaching.”
Oh God, I know what those words mean. The school can’t have me with students because the parents won’t trust me now with their children. I have become the predator that they all fear. That reputation isn’t going to go anywhere. Not for a long time, which means I need to start thinking about what else I can do… and more importantly, which other job will like to have me now. I can’t imagine many people wanting me.
If you aren’t locked away, my brain sneers at me. Remember, prison is an option.
Poor Rosie. She will have two parents who are both liabilities, who have both been in jail. It’s lucky that she has her head screwed on, but it might taint people’s opinions of her. God, she’s right. When she was yelling, and she hinted that I’m a terrible mother for always putting her through shit… she is right.
“I will see you Monday morning at ten AM,” I reply thickly. “Thank you.”
“That doesn’t sound good, Mom,” Rosie says sympathetically. “What are you going to do?”
“I don’t know, Rosie. I really don’t. By this point, I’m sure there isn’t anything that I can do. I have done wrong and I need to take the responsibility. I just hope the punishment isn’t too severe.”
I half think that Rosie is going to walk away from me, and I wouldn’t blame her for doing so, but instead she pulls me in for a hug. “Whatever happens, Mom, I am here for you. I won’t let Dad destroy you.”
“You know, I think that this time he might have won.”
“Mom!” She snaps back to look at me. “He is a drunken low life who killed people and beat you to a pulp. He scared the both of us for years and hasn’t changed one bit during his years in jail. He’s a scum bag which he has proven over and over again. He says that he wants to be in my life, but then acts like an idiot. Whereas you have always been there, through everything. You have suffered a lot and kept your head up high. I wouldn’t be the person that I am today without you. The only mistake you have made is falling for the wrong person. While it might be a storm now, we have weathered worse. We will find a way to make it work.”
I lean in to her hug and take her comfort, wishing that I could find the same confidence in myself as well. But right now, I think the mean drunken asshole might just take me down. Honestly, I want to move away from Rosie so she doesn’t get caught up in the fire of this shit storm, but I’m selfishly too afraid to be alone.
“Now, we are going to ignore those people outside and live our life as normal,” Rosie says determinedly. “This isn’t going to be the most interesting story to ever happen to them so once they realize that you aren’t coming out to give them what they want, they will go. Just hold your head high, Mom. Trust me.”
I don’t know if I can do exactly what Rosie wants from me, but since she’s being so supportive, I owe it to her to try. So, I force as much of a smile on my face that I can manage, and I nod. “Okay, I trust you.”
“Screw those guys. Let them rot outside in the cold. We have everything that we need right here.”
I am only missing one thing, and I don’t know where he is, but the way that things are going I might have to get used to life without him. I never wanted that, and I know that he doesn’t either, but this time around it seems like love might not be enough.
Chapter 29 - Nelson
“Amelia!” I scream above the sounds of everyone else. “Amelia, it was him, it was Lux.”
Seeing him has given me the much needed kick up the ass to go and find her, to comfort her through all of this. But there is a wall of people in my way and I can’t get anywhere. I don’t even know where she is. Heads are bobbing everywhere, and I don’t know who they are. All assholes trying to rip me and Amelia apart. Lux is fucking clever. He has created all of this drama and stepped away, getting none of the blame. Well, I will make sure that the whole fucking world knows what he’s done. We can’t just leave it at this.
“Nelson.” All of a sudden, a pair of arms grab me and pull me backwards. “What are you doing?”
I don’t even look to see who it is, so I try and yank away from the person to keep on fighting to get into Amelia’s home, where I’m hoping that she is by now, but whoever it is has more strength than me. I thrash violently, but to be perfectly honest, all I’m doing is tiring myself out.
“Nelson, stop it.” This time the voice is right in my ear, and its Brad. “Stop fighting. Come with me.”
I know that I can’t keep fighting Brad. He really is a lot stronger than me, so instead of kicking off some more, I slump against him and allow him to drag me away. I don’t want to, every instinct inside of me is screaming to be set free, but I don’t have a choice. It seems to me that Amelia is free from the crowd anyway.
“Brad, where is she?” I scream once inside our house. “What happened to her?”
“Rosie took her in.” Oliver waves his cell phone at me. “She just messaged me. She’s inside.”
I nod slowly, tears filling my eyes. “I’m sorry, Oliver. You must hate me for all of this.”
“I don’t hate you.” He shakes his head. “I don’t know what to say to you right now, but I don’t hate you.”
Brad pulls out a chair at the dining table and indicates for me to sit down. Since I don’t know what else to do, I do as he commands and slump my head forwards on to the table, hitting my head on the table as I do.
“What a fucking mess,” I moan. “I knew this was going to happen, I was warned by everyone, but I carried on anyway. Now… well, I don’t know what the fuck is going to happen. We’re both going to lose everything.”
Which college will want me now? Knowing that I have hooked up with a teacher will surely make me a liability? I have spent such a long time worrying about which one to pick, now I need to worry about them taking me. God, my future might well be down the pan, all thanks to that asshole.
“You won’t lose everything.” Brad pats me on the shoulders reassuringly. “Everything will be fine. Trust me.”
“You don’t think colleges won’t want me now? Like they won’t think I’m trouble… oh God.” I shake my head hard. “What am I even talking about? It isn’t really about my future, is it? I don’t care what happens to me. It doesn’t matter. I deserve whatever comes my way. But Amelia… she is going to lose it all as well.”
There’s a thick silence clinging to the air. Everyone knows that I’m right. I glance between Brad and Oliver silently begging them to tell me what to do. The more I think about everything that Amelia has been through and how hard it’s been for her to get to where she is, the worse I feel. I should have waited. I should’ve been patient.
“How can I make this right?” I beg once more. “How can I make sure that she’s okay?”
“I think that might be up to her to do,” Brad says quietly. “I don’t think if you interfere will make it better.”
Those words make me sick to my stomach. I can easily read between the lines and see that he thinks I have made a mess of Amelia’s life on her behalf and that I shoulder the blame for it.
“But I can’t just do nothing, can I? I can’t just leave it and let her suffer.”
“If you do nothing and let her deal with it, she will decide how she wants to handle it. She will decide if she wants to deny it or if she wants to agree with it and take the blame. What you need to do is take a step back.”
“Step back? What do you mean? Like keep away from her? For how long?”
Even the idea of it makes me sick to my stomach. We have fought for too long, jumped over too many hurdles, been through too much to take a step back now. It seems smarter to me to keep on fighting.
“I don’t know. But for a while.” Brad’s lips turn into a thin line. Determination flows through him. “I know you probably had an amazing summer planned, but you can’t keep on with that now. There will be too much heat on you b
oth. Too many people following you, wanting to take Amelia down.”
The idea of them coming after her is what gets to me. They can do anything to me. Yes, I’m still afraid for my future, but I would shoulder anything for her. But I can see what Brad means and I don’t like the idea of Amelia having her life destroyed even more than it already has. It is too much. Perhaps continuing to fight isn’t the right answer and I need to take a step back. Taking my own advice hasn’t really worked out so perhaps it’s the time for me to listen to what someone else thinks… even if I don’t like it.
“Right.” Wesley enters the room with a determination flooding him. “Ah, Nelson you’re here. Good. I’ve just been speaking to my friend in New York, trying to find a solution for you, and he says there is a work based program that you can get involved with over the summer, to help you with extra credit for college.”
This is exactly what Luna is doing for her course, and I remember thinking that it’s a good idea… but is it a good time now to go for it?
“I can’t just run off to New York!” I gasp. “I can’t go now when everything is bad.”
“Actually, this is exactly the time that you need to go,” he replies firmly. “You can’t stay here now and make this all worse. You need to get some time away from all of this. Anything that you think you can do for Amelia right now will only make it worse. This is a shit storm right now. You being in the middle of the shit storm won’t allow it to die down. This is your future. This is what you’ve been working towards. I’m going to tell you now that this is the opportunity of a life time. Don’t throw it away. Please, Nelson. Listen to my advice.”
I hang my head down, wishing that I had something better to reply. “But what about her?”
“Amelia will be fine. Not only can she take care of herself, but we will be here to look after her.”
“I don’t like this, Wesley, I really don’t. I don’t want to go.”
“Nelson, I saw you in New York. You loved it. You can’t deny that you absolutely loved it. You were a different person there. All lit up and enthusiastic. That died as soon as you got back here. All of this drama made you lose your inspiration. I want to see you get that back. We all do. We want you to be happy and being stuck here won’t do you any good. You need some time away from here. You both need that. Amelia needs space to work out what she’s going to do as well. This is the best thing for both of you.”
“But if I go to New York, then it means I’m going to college in New York as well. That means I can’t be here. I can’t come back all the time quite as easily which will put a dent in my and Amelia’s relationship.”
Brad sits in front of me and stares directly at me. “You need time to grow up, Nelson, to become the man that you’re capable of being. I know that might seem ridiculous right now. I’m sure you think you know it all, but there is still so much for you to grow. For you to become a well grown man. You owe it to yourself and Amelia to do that. Then if it’s meant to be, when you come back, you can be. But think about what’s going on outside right now. That is what you both will face if you stay here. For a long time. It might taint everything and even cause you to resent one another. I don’t think either of you would want that, do you?”
I shake my head, seeing just what they can see as well. I don’t like the picture that they are painting but maybe it’s a realistic one. They are seeing it without the rose tinted glasses of love.
“I can only do the summer,” I inform Wesley sadly. “Some of it. Then I will have to come back. I can’t leave Amelia for that long because I love her. I don’t think you lot understand how much I love her.”
“Okay, the summer.” Wesley looks visibly relieved. “I think that might be a good idea. I can’t ask more of you than that. Just some space to get your head in order. We will obviously keep you informed as to what is going on here and look after Amelia as promised. But for the pair of you, you moving out to New York is for the best.”
“So, when do I have to go?” I ask sadly. “When am I needed in New York?”
“Tomorrow. I think the early flight will be best. The sooner you go, the better.”
Tomorrow feels too soon, but at the same time if I don’t go tomorrow then I know it will give me too much time to talk myself out of it. My heart will win out over my head. I’ll choose passion over being smart. So, I nod and agree with Wesley. Tomorrow, it is. But I will have to see Amelia first. I need her to know that I’m not running away, that I’m giving us both some space… but that if she wants to follow me to New York, then so be it. Hey, maybe I will be able to have her in New York with me, making all of my dreams come true!
“I will go and pack my stuff then.” I rise from the seat and meet Wesley’s eyes. I try my hardest to communicate my gratitude to my brother even if it doesn’t feel great right now, but I don’t know if he gets it.
“This is for the best,” he tells me quietly. “You might hate me right now, but one day you will see.”
“I don’t hate you,” I echo Oliver’s sentiments from before. “I get it. I know that you just want to do what’s right. I should have been smarter. I thought with my heart and not my head.”
My body feels heavy as I drag it up the stairs. Nothing quite feels right but I’m finally starting to see what everyone has been trying to tell me all along. That right now, love isn’t enough. Not here anyway, not in this place. One day it will be, but for now even the shadows aren’t going to be enough to hide us.
Chapter 30 - Amelia
I can already see the bags on Nelson’s bed. I guess those are the cases that he packed to leave. I already knew from Rosie that this might be a possibility, but seeing it unfold in front of me is something else. Oliver explained to her why this has to happen, so the press get bored of following me alone and they don’t get anything, but that doesn’t mean I like it. I understand why, but I hate the fact that Lux has won. It doesn’t feel right.
A tear leaks down my cheek as I think about staring into that empty bedroom thinking about what could have been. I don’t know how long Nelson will leave for, but since college comes soon, it’ll probably be for years.
“This is good,” I remind myself quietly. “I know that New York is what he wants.”
I could see in his eyes that he wanted it but he wouldn’t admit it because that was when we were in a dreamland, imagining that nothing could touch us. We didn’t know then that our perfect little world was about to come crashing down around us. That Lux was going to get in the way and destroy us.
“We can’t really be in love anyway.” My voice sounds hollow and empty, even to myself. “He’s too young for me. It wouldn’t work. What about when he eventually wants a family? That won’t work.”
I slide my eyes closed, trying not to weep as I think about him with someone else. A girl his own age who can give him everything that he wants and more. Some beautiful young girl who can make him smile just as much as I do. I can’t be the only woman who brings that look to his face.
“That will be good,” I whisper. “I want him to be happy. Even if he isn’t with me.”
It doesn’t matter that I won’t have happiness, that is not my last chance at it. That short time we shared together will be the most incredible I have ever had, and I will have to find a way to live with that.
Tap, tap. The small sound makes me jump. My eyes snap open. Tap, tap.
It’s Nelson sitting on the tree outside my window, waiting to come in. I get a rush of emotions as I pull the window inside and let him in, immediately enveloping him in a hug as soon as I can get hold of him.
“I’m so sorry,” he murmurs against me. “I’m sorry what happened today. I’m sorry I froze.”
“It wasn’t your fault. Lux did this to us. It was revenge. He wanted to get back at me. Plus, you can’t be to blame for how you reacted to the shock. I barely even remember it. It was all just a blur.”
We pull back to look at one another, remembering everything that we shared between us. If only w
e could have waited a little while longer before we started, it might not have ended this way.
“So, you’re going to New York.” I nod and gulp, trying to keep everything inside. “That’s good.”
“I don’t want to. Wesley sorted it out for me because he thinks that we need space.”
“I agree.” I don’t know what I think about it really, but this is the logical thing to say. “I think it will be better for you to get away. This all needs to die down. If you’re here and living next door to me, it won’t.”
He brushes his fingers through my hair, softly touching my cheek. “But what about you? This is what I don’t like. I know that it might be the best thing for you so the press gets bored and leaves you alone, but how will you cope with it all? I would rather be there for you to support you through it all.”
“Hey, I’m a big girl.” I smile thinly. “I can handle myself. Don’t you worry about that.”
“Your job?” he asks with a cocked eyebrow. “The high school must know about it now.”
That’s the absolute last thing that I want to think about right now. “Don’t worry about that. I can hack it.”
I can tell by his nodding that he isn’t happy about this, but he doesn’t have any choice but to accept it. There is a real heaviness to the air, a knowledge that me and him are really over now. I’m sure in his head, Nelson believes that he will return from New York a lot to keep things going, but I know it won’t work that way. He will grow and become the man that he’s always been supposed to become. He won’t need me in that.
I always knew that he was going to leave me behind. I just chose to ignore that.
“So, I guess this is it.” He sounds really choked up. “At least for a little while.”
“Are you leaving tonight?” My heart aches. I don’t want to let him go, I need him here, but that’s selfish of me. Really, I’m the only one to blame here. I’m the adult, the one who was in a position of power, I was the one who should have taken a step back… plus, the trouble has been caused by my ex. So, it makes perfect sense for me to be the one to deal with all of this. “Or do we have a little time first?”