Until I Fall

by Claudia Burgoa

  “Can you stay with me tonight?” My stomach tightens when I say the second part, “I have this heart-wrenching feeling that she’s leaving soon; I don’t want to be alone.”

  Call it instinct, the foul smell of death, or coincidence but around one in the morning as Aspen is about to add another dose of morphine Mom’s eyes flutter open.

  “I love you, sweet boy.” Her voice is barely a breath. “It’s time to let me go.”

  “No.” Tears well in my eyes, my insides scream don’t go. The ache in my chest becomes unbearable. It’s those loving eyes and pleading words that give me the strength to say it. “I love you too. Thank you for being my mother, and for staying as long as you could.”

  She moves slightly finding Aspen, smiling at her. Her eyes close and she sighs one last time before leaving me. My girl draws circles on my back as I hold Mom for one last time and cry. Because even though I know she’s no longer suffering, the pain is unbearable.

  ASPEN

  SOPHIA’S LIFE CELEBRATION was unorthodox and fun. A happy occasion where we gifted books to the children who attended; and as souvenirs, everyone took a plant your future kit home which included a hemp tote containing a small clay pot, daisies seeds, and dirt along with instructions. Brynn hired a graphic designer to create a biography card. The weather was perfect, no overcast or rain. A seventy-five- degree weather forecast allowed us to be outside all afternoon, listening to some band Anderson hired to play—as his mom requested. Kevin, who has been with us since Sophia died, played a few songs too.

  Neighbors, all friends of Sophia, and Anderson’s friends came to pay their respects and enjoy the evening. I met Arthur. He was Anderson’s Dad’s best friend, and the man who stepped into the role of uncle. He helped Anderson with his training, and ultimately pushed him hard enough to become a Delta Force. Mason Bradley, his boss, came too, along with his family. His wife, Ainsley, is gorgeous, and their three children are sweet. I had no idea that Anderson and Mason were as close as cousins.

  As I held his hand during the mass, I felt as if I had stepped into a different role. Now I’m trying to hide while taming the panic inside my heart. This is so much more than a causal relationship. Yes, we’ve said I love you, but he’s calling me his woman, his girl, his. I’m his. I don’t want to be his or him to be mine. It takes us to a place I don’t want to be in ever again. It’s a place I’m afraid to visit again.

  As the sun began to dip behind the horizon, Sophia’s friends and former neighbors said their final goodbyes and left. Only Anderson’s friends, coworkers, and his boss’s family remain with us. The fire pit is on. Everyone around is either singing or playing guitar. Wherever Sophia is, she’s enjoying this day. Maybe, like me, she’s beaming at the big smile drawn on her son’s face while he hangs out with his guests.

  “Hey, Aspen.” Kevin enters the kitchen to grab another beer and a bottle of red wine. He tops off my glass. He’s been spending all his time with Brooklyn, they are becoming good friends. “Why aren’t you outside with everyone?”

  “Thank you,” I reply, taking a sip as I stare at the scene in front of me. “He’s doing better than I thought.”

  “Who? That motherfucker?” He points at Anderson. “It’s you.”

  I lightly touch the base of my neck. “Me?”

  “Yes. I’ve known him for years. We’ve shared a lot of shit,” he pauses looking toward the backyard where everyone chats and laughs. “The news about his mom’s illness cut him deep. You coming into his life is what softened the blow. I’m thrilled that he finally found his soulmate.”

  I choke on my wine, what the hell is he talking about? No, we’re not soulmates. This isn’t what everyone is thinking.

  “Calm down, little sips.” Kevin sets down the bottles he’s holding and takes the glass away from me, rubbing circles on my back.

  “I’m okay,” I lie.

  “Cool, come out to play with us.” He angles his head toward the fire pit.

  “Be there soon,” I lie. Why am I hiding from them? What am I hiding from?

  He continues through the patio, until he meets Brynn. He bends closer to her, either kissing her ear or whispering something. She lifts her gaze finding mine. Tilting her head, she says something to him and saunters toward me.

  “You’re going to choke in the sea of tears that’s inside those big eyes of yours,” Brynn mumbles, standing right next to me. “Why so sad?”

  “Sophia died . . . I don’t see why not?”

  “Unbelievable,” she chuckles. “You can’t lie to me.”

  Moving my head to the left, I find her staring at me in interest, reading my posture and coming to some absurd conclusion. “No. Losing her has brought an entire ocean of doubts about my past and my future. These strange relationships with Mom and Scarlett are too much.”

  Mom has called daily asking about Anderson, Sophia’s health and how I’m doing too. She offered to fly here when I told her Sophia has passed. She wanted to be here for me. I appreciated the gesture, but I think we have to talk more before she shows up at a family gathering.

  Swirling her glass of wine, she bites on her lip. “Are you trying to think about the plant your future list?” She shakes her head. “Tell Dear Brooklyn what’s really bothering you.”

  I walk outside, scanning the backyard, finally taking off my heels. My feet are relieved as I step on the fresh green grass and wiggle my feet. “There are too many changes happening all at once. You know how I hate change.”

  “And emotions.” She waves her hand around the area where Anderson’s boss and his wife sit. “That man, Bradley, is persistent—and hot.”

  “He’s married,” I remind her, flinching as my tone comes harsh.

  “I know,” she responds starkly. “I’m not Scarlett. The point is that he and his lovely wife asked many, many questions about our jobs, experience, and schooling. She studied and lived in Austin for several years. Between laughs and lifetime experiences the question of ‘what’s next?’ came up.”

  “What do you mean?” I look at my empty glass wondering if I should pour some more.

  “He offered me a job at a hospital in Seattle, and to help us set a private practice—as long as we accept his emergencies. Like the one, they brought a while ago.”

  “We?” I frown, taking her by the hand and pulling her through the backyard door and toward the dining room where it is quiet and more private. “Do you want to go back to work at a hospital?”

  Sighing, Brynn rolls her eyes. “I never said yes, they offered. Do I want to transfer?” She snorts. Tacoma Medical was never my choice, Aspen. I matched with John Hopkins, one of the best hospitals for residency and far away from my mother. He’s offering seniority, no more late-night shifts.”

  Seniority, something we can’t get unless someone quits, gets fired or dies because for some reason we don’t have much rotation at Tacoma Medical. Brynn is considering it. Wait, John Hopkins accepted her? I knew she gave up a residency for me, but she never said—

  Looking at her, it dawns me. “You moved here just for me, didn’t you?”

  “In a way. You’re my family, and some days we are all we have.”

  We both threw ourselves into the fast paced, never slowing down life of the ER and barely analyzed where we wanted to go. I never stopped to think what my best friend wanted. There’s a knot in my throat as well. What if Brynn finds something without me? I will support her. The same way I’ve done for the past fifteen years.

  I stare at my feet, silent for a few seconds as I assimilate what my best friend told me. “We can search for something else. Not what this man offers, but perhaps a different city.”

  From the corner of my eyes, I spot Anderson’s dress shoes. He wore a pair of khaki pants and a button down shirt for the occasion. “There you are. You’ve been hiding way too long.”

  “This isn’t hiding, I was just wondering when I should start cleaning.” I wave around the house at all the beads and decorations I set earlier today.
That’s a lame justification.

  “If you’ll excuse us,” he announces, entwining our hands and taking me to the living room that’s empty.

  “Hi,” he says with a husky voice that travels down my spine making me shiver. He bends over to give me a hug and kisses my nose. “I feel like I haven’t seen you all day.”

  I give him a warm smile. My hands come up to his chest, pushing myself slightly on my tiptoes to brush his lips. Instead, he grasps the back of my head, pulling me in for an urgent, hot kiss.

  When he draws himself back, he places his forehead against mine circling his arms around my waist. “Are you avoiding me?” His hands slide up and down my lower back.

  Yes, avoiding you and the feelings, the people, their assumptions about us—like we’re a couple. Avoiding the growing fear that you have to leave for another mission.

  “No. Not avoiding you. Just thinking.” I shake my head shrugging. “There’s something bugging me. Sorry.”

  “Don’t be . . .” His face tilts to the side, his eyes narrow.

  I turn around. The front door opens. Carter, who I invited but doubted would come, walks into the house. His eyes scan the area, and when they find mine, he nods.

  “You started the party without me?” Carter snorts as he stumbles onto the floor.

  “What the fuck are you doing here?” Anderson’s voice booms against my chest, he saunters toward the entrance, pulling his brother from the floor like a rag doll. “You’re high as a kite.”

  “She was my mother too.” Carter shakes Anderson’s hands, but his legs continue wobbling. “I have the right to hold onto her ashes, organize her party and keep the house.”

  Anderson crosses his arms, the veins in his neck pulsing. “What would you want the house for? To sell it so you can finance your addiction.”

  “Whatever I do with the money is my business,” he snaps, his voice getting attention from the staff, but hopefully not the guests in the backyard. “Mom isn’t here to judge me, or to remind me how I’m not like my father or that my little brother is a God.”

  “Shut the fuck up and leave,” Anderson orders.

  “She was right. You are like him.” Carter laughs, a cruel, nasty cackle sending shivers and panic into my heart. “You’re going to die like him. Alone, unloved in a foreign country, and no one will give a shit about you.”

  My heart beats fast, my eyes open wide. Shut up, shut up.

  Then, Carter turns his attention to me.

  “He’s going to leave you, alone.” I gasp, shivers running through my body as he speaks. My heart falling apart, all the pieces that I had glued together breaking into much smaller ones. He’s right, as much as I am aware that when it happens, I won’t survive. “The way our father did to our mother. She cried every night begging him to come back—he never did.

  “Shut up!” Anderson slams Carter against the wall. “You almost left our mother homeless. The house is mine because I paid for it.”

  My stomach clenches, my entire body shakes. What will happen if Anderson dies? My eyes slide over to Anderson who has released his brother and is working to calm his shallow breaths. Clutching tightly at the sleeves of my sweater, I gawk at him. Speechless, sad, embarrassed, angry at myself for letting my guard down. Staring at the floor, I work to find my balance as the weight of it all crashes onto my chest. The tornado of “what if’s” swirls inside my head.

  I want to ask him what he thinks, to make him promise me nothing will happen. Anderson’s mouth is set in a grim line, his jaw tense. His eyes lower. Something inside me tells me he can’t promise me that.

  “Is everything okay?” Kevin, who is taller than Anderson steps between him and Carter. He places his hands on top of his shoulders giving him an easy smile. “Dude, you’re scaring the fuck out of me.”

  Anderson squeezes his eyes shut, rubbing his temples.

  Tears sting my eyes. I predicted this, didn’t I? We let the sorrow drive us for so many weeks to soothe the pain of losing our loved ones. The broken pieces didn’t melt, they became dust. I chew on my lip, looking at Carter and Kevin. There are too many people around to open up to Anderson. This isn’t the time to be brave and tell him what I feel, but this might be my only chance.

  “This is a hard period for both of us. You lost your mother, and I’m a little lost.” I adopt a calm voice, praying that I don’t lose my composure until I finish my piece.

  Taking a step forward I take his hand into mine, placing the other on top of it and looking into those green eyes of his that I love so much. “We confused lust and desperation with love. It’s time to step back into reality.”

  He huffs and runs a hand through his hair. “What the hell are you talking about?” He exhales, looking down at the floor for a few beats. “Yes, I don’t need you because my mother died. I need you because I love you, Aspen.”

  “I can’t lose you,” I choke on my words, the walls closing on me. The waves of grief slamming hard against my chest, drowning me. My legs buckle, my knees sinking into the core of the earth as the image of a wooden casket is lower into the hole. This time it’s not Michael, this time it’s him. Anderson. The shear of nothingness is covering my soul. “That’s something I can’t survive, Anderson. I fooled myself by letting this go so far.”

  “Aspen, what the hell are you doing?”

  Brynn steps closer. “Is everything okay?”

  I capture her hand, absorbing her strength and fighting everything inside me. “Can we go home?”

  “Aspen,” he calls after me.

  “Sorry, I need space. I can’t breathe.”

  ANDERSON

  “What happened?” I move my gaze to Austin who came rushing after his sister too. We stand on the porch. Aspen isn’t responding to my loud knocks. “What was all that yelling?”

  Carter smirks at me, heading to his car, the satisfaction that he fucked up my night painted on his fucking face. Aspen isn’t here anymore. There’s no reason to hold back. I charge making my way toward him but get stopped by Tiago and Kevin.

  “No. You’re not doing anything stupid. There are children around,” Tiago warns me. “Tomorrow we have an early flight.”

  “What happened?” Austin repeats the question.

  Kevin is the one who recounts the exchange between Carter and me. He doesn’t say the last words, the ones that I’m just repeating inside my head, sounding like arrows cutting through the wind and aiming for Aspen’s heart. Carter doesn’t know what I do. He just spewed venom hoping they would create pandemonium. The fucking asshole triggered Aspen’s biggest fear.

  “Need any help?” Bradley walks toward me, his wife and children in tow.

  “No.” I look around the house. Aspen helped Mom organized every last detail from her funeral to boxing and labeling all her belongings. We have staff to clean up from tonight. The only mess on my hands is the one Carter made with my future.

  “Unless we can delay the operation for a few more days.”

  “I hate to say this, but you’re leaving tomorrow.” He clasps my shoulder. “I can delay it until noon, but that’s pushing it too close. We can’t wait any longer.”

  “Don’t worry, I’m always ready,” I lie. I’m not ready to leave. Not until Aspen and I have a chat. She can’t fucking leave me.

  We won’t let the fear win, we are stronger.

  ASPEN

  “ASPEN, WE NEED to talk.” Anderson bangs the door of my room.

  Thank you, Brynn, for always having my back.

  What happened to “don’t worry, A, I’ll just go outside to tell him to fuck off and make us some breakfast?” That was an hour ago, I think.

  “I won’t leave until you hear me out.”

  “You have a mission,” I remind him, hiding under my blankets.

  “Exactly, you’re putting the lives of others in danger by not listening to me.”

  For fucks sake, did he have to say that? Blame me for the failure of an entire mission. Now, I’m the selfish bitch who kille
d thousands of people just because she decided not to hear whatever her . . . what are we now? Ex?

  Breathing out loud, I get out of my bed, pull a pair of leggings and a sweater on before going out to confront Anderson. Am I confronting him? I shake my head getting rid of the irrational thoughts. As I open the door, I spot him right in front of me. Arms crossed over his broad chest, leaning against the door frame.

  His gaze slowly slides down my body; a smile curves those lips upward as his eyes fall on my breasts. It’s now when I realize I’m wearing a tight, low-cut sweater with no bra. “Nice, never seen you in that before.”

  I push my shoulders back, tilting my chin up and let him appreciate the view because . . . well, it’s not like he hasn’t seen them before. I think I’m still drunk. “What are you doing here?”

  “How are you feeling today?” He pushes himself off the wall uncrossing his arms and picking up a tote bag I didn’t notice before. After a quick rake of his eyes down me, he extends his hand. “Brought you something.”

  “No, thank you.” I glare at him.

  “So, you don’t like tater tots?” My eyebrows rise in skepticism, cautiously I take the tote bag. Moving my eyes back at him, I spot a smug smile on those lips. “Homemade. Just like Mom used to make them.”

  “You made them for me?” I narrow my gaze on him, he smiles. “There’s no ketchup.”

  He pulls a couple of ketchup packets from his pocket. “That’s going to cost you.”

  I extend my hand, palm up wiggling my fingers twice. “What do you want?”

  He places one packet on my hand, his fingers caress my skin. That electrical surge of desire swells through me. His green eyes darken, he lowers his voice. “Many things.”

  “Are yesterday’s texts still open to discussion?”

  “What texts?” I frown, running to my nightstand to check my phone.

  Me: Why can’t you be an average citizen?

  Me: Why did you make me fall so hard?

  Me: You broke me, I can’t live without you, but you will leave me.

  Me: I want to marry you and have children and have a beautiful life and dirty sex.