A Season of Change

by Lynette Sowell

  “So how will you be?”

  “I’ll be fine.” He tried to make his tone sound reassuring. “Natalie is someone we met in Florida. She helped us through one of the most difficult times of our lives and I’ll always be thankful for that.”

  “Ach.” Ephraim scratched his chin. “I know there was something there, with the two of you.”

  “It was never a good idea,” Jacob forced himself to say. But how many times had he turned the same thought over in his mind? Of course, it was a horrible idea.

  “She’s not Amish, she’s not Plain at all. She may be a Christian, but I don’t see how her beliefs will match ours. She might say she’s willing to leave what she knows, but look at what her mother did.” Ephraim frowned.

  “Yah. There is that.” His brother made a valid point. If Natalie’s mother had left the Amish, who’s to say the same wanderlust wouldn’t rise up in Natalie? And then, where would they be?

  “Gut. I’m glad we’re in agreement then.” Ephraim nodded. “The bishop came to me—not daed—and wanted to know what had happened to you in Florida, as you seem different.”

  That bit of information rankled Jacob. “How could I not be different? You know what we went through—you were there for some of it. I had to stay there for months on end, in a strange city I didn’t know.”

  “Calm down. Of course, you’ve seen a lot, staying in Florida as long as you have.” Ephraim placed a firm hand on Jacob’s shoulder. “But you’re here now. I told him you were fine, you kept up your church attendance and worked hard while you were there. Other than that, he didn’t care to hear about what Florida was like.”

  “Thank you.” Why did he feel he had to explain himself? Of course, the source of his greatest temptation while in Pinecraft was arriving tomorrow, practically on his doorstep. It would involve a lot of explaining.

  “Well, gut. I just wanted to prepare you for tomorrow.”

  Tomorrow. He’d see Natalie again tomorrow.

  Natalie ended up staying three nights at Anna’s, in her mother’s old room. Natalie turned off her cell phone to conserve the battery. She’d received an email from Ringling Brothers, informing her that her application for an on-the-road trainer was under consideration, and they would be in touch with her soon.

  “Thank you, thank you for letting me stay with you, Grandma. Or should I say danke, Mammi?” Natalie stood at the foot of the stairs.

  “Either is fine. And I’ve been happy to have you here. Almost like having my Katie again. But you’re quieter than she, more thoughtful, if no less energetic.”

  “I wish I’d met all of you much sooner than this.”

  “We still have time. And,” Anna added, “were my husband still alive, he might not have appreciated your visit like I have.”

  “I see.”

  “He was so ‘letter of the law,’ I truly don’t know if he would have even welcomed you into our home. Even though Katie hadn’t been baptized yet—she left before that happened—he still would have been harsh with her if she’d returned.”

  “My mother—”

  “She did a fine job raising you, even with you living like gypsies.” Anna embraced her, and the pinpricks of tears poked the insides of Natalie’s eyelids.

  “Thanks. I promise I’ll come back to visit when I can.” She didn’t think to mention the possibility of a circus job, being on the road again. These few days had been a start, at least.

  “I’ll wake you in the morning, so you can get a good start on the road.”

  “Thank you.” Natalie hugged the older woman once more and headed up the stairs, their wooden boards creaking.

  One thing she’d noticed that was different was the quiet out here on the farm. Sure there were other noises, one of her uncles out working his field, chickens in her grandma’s yard, the whinny of a horse or the moo of a cow.

  Once inside her mother’s old room she’d shared with her sister, Natalie prepared for bed with the aid of a battery-operated lamp. She clicked it off, letting moonlight flood in through the window.

  Her last night here. After that first night at supper, she’d been pulled into the bundle of energy of the Yoder cousins, had ridden in a covered buggy, helped milk the cows, tended the garden, and made another passable pie crust. Sang, laugh, and told stories of traveling with the circus.

  Day in, day out—she wasn’t sure if this would be enough for her. Although she supposed if this was all she knew, she wouldn’t miss what she’d never had.

  No wonder the Amish were urged to tread carefully where Pinecraft was concerned. She made her way across the bare floor, taking care not to stub her toes on the edge of the braided rug covering the middle of the floor, and took a seat at the window. She pulled the window up and let the cool night air drift into the room. It was perhaps only nine at night, but she could see her mammi’s head drooping as they talked by lamplight earlier.

  Now, since she’d come full circle after receiving the package from her father, she wasn’t sure quite what to do. Especially since tomorrow, she’d be seeing Jacob Miller again, and the family.

  She’d called Katie, on impulse, and left a message for her. Katie had called back the very same day, saying yes, please stop at the farm since she was in Ohio.

  “The children will be happy to see you. It will be a nice surprise for them.”

  The call was brief enough so even now, she wondered at the wisdom of calling Katie. Yet, it would be a shame not to stop by. Also, Rachel had sent something for the family as well, the clothing they’d left behind.

  The crunch of shoes on hard-packed earth made her look down toward the farmyard. Some dark shapes moved along the driveway, probably her uncles.

  “Daed would have never stood for it,” said one of them.

  Another of the dark shapes muttered something in Dutch, but Katie caught the word Englischer.

  “Doing business with the Englisch is one thing, letting them into our homes is another. She doesn’t belong, no matter if Katie was her mother.”

  Natalie sighed at the last sentence. Of course, this wasn’t her world. She wasn’t trying to join the Amish. She squinted down at the figures, taking care she stood in the shadows by the window.

  None of the voices belonged to Reuben. He likely would have stood up for her. He out of all of them seemed the most friendly, most approachable.

  This was Ohio, not Pinecraft, where people looked the other way at things like cell phones and prodigals, too. Things were different here, with the bishop of the district overseeing the people, tending to the flock beneath him. She didn’t think she could breathe in an atmosphere like this. Playing farmer and gardener and home baker was one thing. But this, no, she couldn’t and wouldn’t belong.

  This was also Jacob Miller’s world. Even if she wore her mother’s kapp and cape dress, she could never be one of them.

  25

  Shreds of the conversation she’d overheard echoed in Natalie’s ears the rest of the night, and she woke to a gray day along with Anna’s soft rap on her door.

  Seven a.m. That was sleeping in on the farm, she was fairly certain. Well, if she wanted to get a good start on the road, she might as well head out as soon as possible after breakfast. She had no idea how long she would be welcome at the Millers’ home. A meal, perhaps, would be long enough to catch up, and then she would be on her way to Florida. Home.

  The aroma of coffee and fried potatoes and ham drifted under the door. She’d probably roll halfway back to Florida, as much as Anna had fed her the past few days. She put on her most comfortable jeans, loafers, and a simple pullover T-shirt, and lugged her suitcase down the stairs, her tote bag slung over her shoulder.

  “You’re packed already,” Anna said as she entered the kitchen.

  “Yes, I am.”

  “Did you sleep well? Your eyes look shadowed.”

  “Well enough. But I’d love some coffee.” Natalie stepped toward the shelf where the simple stoneware mugs were stored.

  “Th
e youngest ones will be over as quickly as they can after breakfast. The girls want to tell you good-bye.”

  “Well, I definitely want to tell them good-bye, too.”

  Anna loaded a plate with enough food to feed two farmers and set it at the place where Natalie usually sat. “Here, eat up. You need a good meal for the road.” She grunted. “A young woman, driving halfway across country, alone.”

  “I have my cell phone and I plan to check in with my friends.”

  “Well, you must send word to me that you’ve arrived home safely. Call Reuben’s restaurant in Millersburg and leave a message with his office.”

  “I will.” Natalie sat at her place, the corner of the table closest to the front room.

  As if on cue, the back screen door slammed and her young female cousins streamed into the kitchen. “We’re here to say goodbye,” said Miriam, the eldest. Her cheeks were flushed. “I almost wish I could ride with you.”

  “If you come to Florida sometime, any of you, let me know and I’ll come to Pinecraft.” Natalie dug into the fried potatoes on her plate. Starting tomorrow, she’d cut the carbs, but not in front of her grandmother.

  “What’s in that bag?” asked her youngest cousin, pointing at the tote bag tucked beside Natalie’s oversize carry-on

  “Mind your business, Esther,” Miriam chided.

  “No, it’s quite all right.” Natalie stood. “This is something for our mammi I brought from Florida. I thought she might like it.”

  She pulled out the quilt, the labor of love that she’d finished. At first, she figured she’d keep the quilt as a reminder, but truly, it belonged here.

  “I haven’t seen it in—I thought it was lost.” Anna’s voice caught. “It was the last thing she started to sew. Oh, we had some fights over the blocks. I almost told her the effort would be useless.”

  “No, it wasn’t lost. My mother brought it with her, the blocks anyway.” Natalie moved to the free end of the table and unfolded part of the quilt. The bright colors lit up the room, and Natalie’s cousins ran their fingers over the stitches.

  “You made this?” her grandmother asked.

  “With help. Lots of help. Rachel Miller taught me how. I think she had to redo much of my stitching at first, but no, she made me work on it.”

  Anna clutched the corner of the quilt. “You did . . . you did a fine job.”

  “I want you to keep it,” Natalie said. “My mother started it, and I finished it.”

  “But it’s yours.”

  “No, it belongs here. Please, a gift from me.” Natalie touched the fabric, recalling the needle pokes, missed stitches, and snarled threads it took to finish the quilt. Maybe someday she’d try another one. Right now, though, it seemed fitting to let this quilt come full circle, something Mom had probably never imagined.

  “Thank you.” The two words held all a mother’s longing for her departed child. “You must come back sometime. Soon. Very soon.”

  “Oh, I will.” Natalie took her seat again.

  “Eat, eat,” Anna said. “You have a long ride ahead of you.”

  Natalie nodded. Maybe she should have given her the quilt earlier, but the moment never seemed right, until now. “I’m going to stop by the Millers. Rachel sent some things for the family, so I told her I would.”

  “The Millers, huh?” Anna asked. “Do you think you’ll see Jacob?”

  She shrugged. “I probably will.”

  At that, the girls pounced, peppering her with questions about Jacob, the family, was she going to become Amish, and other such ideas.

  “Girls,” Anna waved her hands as if their questions were flies threatening to land on Natalie’s breakfast. “Natalie is merely friends with the family. In fact, they helped her find us.”

  “But what if he loves her?” Miriam sank down onto the nearest chair, propping her chin on her hand.

  “However we feel about each other, there’s more to think about than what we want,” Natalie admitted. “Our ways of life, our families, his children. It would change everything.”

  “There is much more to love than romance.” Anna tapped Miriam on the shoulder. “Your cousin is right.”

  Your cousin. Natalie smiled. Even after a few days, it still felt strange, wearing this new title in her new family. No, she wasn’t one of them, as last night’s eavesdropped conversation confirmed.

  “Someday, I want to meet my love.” Miriam sighed, and smiled.

  “How old are you again?” Natalie asked.

  “Sixteen.”

  “You have plenty of time, for sure.” Then she stopped herself. She’d been about to talk education and possibly a career, but realized Miriam’s path was different.

  Natalie polished off the last bit of her breakfast, including the mountain of fried potatoes. “This was delicious.”

  “When are you coming back?” Esther asked.

  “I’m not sure. Maybe this fall, maybe Christmas?” She glanced at Anna.

  “Oh, Christmas.” The cousins clapped. “If our daed takes us to Pinecraft we’ll come see you, too.”

  “I’d like that. I might not be in Sarasota full-time much longer, though.”

  “Why’s that?” Anna collected Natalie’s empty plate.

  “I applied for a job, traveling with Ringling Brothers circus as an on-the-road trainer. I have an interview scheduled a few days after I get back to Florida. If I’m hired, I’ll be joining the traveling show on the road within a month.” Natalie took a final sip of coffee.

  “But your home?” Miriam frowned. “Where will you live?”

  “I only rent. My current boss said I can store my things with her and stay with her during the off-season.”

  Anna shook her head. “I don’t understand. I thought you were happy, teaching the children at the circus school.”

  “I was. I am. But . . .” She didn’t want to explain Jacob’s leaving had done that to her. She wasn’t satisfied where she was now.

  After a round of good-byes, the little entourage helped Natalie load everything into her car. Anna sent some preserves with her, after Natalie whittled them down to a few jars of fruit and vegetables. If she was getting a new job, she didn’t need to think about where to store things.

  “You’re sure about the quilt?” Anna asked one more time.

  “I’m completely sure.”

  A pair of hugs from the youngest cousins, one of whom burst into tears. “I don’t want you to go.”

  “I’ll come back. Even if I’m on the road.” She bent to hug the little one, about Rebecca’s age.

  “Promise?”

  “I promise.” Her throat caught.

  “Well, we’ll see you then,” Anna said.

  “See you, Mammi.” She waved at them before driving off. As their figures shrank in her rearview mirror, Natalie let the tears flow at last. Family. So close, and yet so far. They accepted her as she was, but there was still something she didn’t have.

  “Ah, Lord, maybe it’s me,” she prayed. She set her GPS for the Millers. “Show me what to do. Maybe I’m not satisfied with me, but I can’t change myself just to belong. Whether some of them like it or not, I do belong to them. Yet I feel like I don’t fit.”

  Until she figured out what that missing piece was, she’d keep feeling like she was on the outside, looking in, again. She brushed away her tears. Now wasn’t the time. Her heart skipped. She was going to see Rebecca and Zeke soon, very soon. They would likely be in school, but oh, what a surprise it would be for them to see her.

  Jacob leaned on the hoe. What was once Hannah’s garden had become Rebecca’s responsibility, which meant while she was in school, he’d help tend the seedlings just finding their way out of the earth. They’d had a slow start planting, with arriving home from Sarasota much later than expected, but thanks to Troyer’s Garden Center, they now had rows and rows of young plants to watch over. Katie had also started a few seedlings from her plantings.

  Today was his “off” day from the cabinet shop
, which had hired him back part-time. He’d prayed for a full-time position, but this was all they had for him, with the promise to give him the first full-time position that opened up. However, with Rebecca’s doctor appointments, this was actually a better schedule for him.

  Henry Hostetler had called and left a message for him, telling him hello and reminding him anytime Jacob wanted a job in Florida, he would have one with him. In fact, he was sorely missed.

  Then a letter had come for all of them from Mammi Rachel. She was helping work a small garden in the neighborhood exchange for part of the produce. She had taken up shuffleboard. She had been out on a boat ride with some friends. Yet she still missed Daadi, of course.

  “I will be sending some fresh preserves for all of you via a special courier,” she’d said at the close of the letter. Special courier? Whatever that meant, he didn’t completely understand. Ephraim didn’t understand the cryptic statement either. Also, they had plenty of preserves.

  Here came a crunch of tires on the gravel driveway. They had a sign posted at the edge of the driveway both families shared, advertising fried pies, soap, cheese, as well as vegetables in season. He wasn’t sure what Katie had available, but certainly not vegetables. And, he wasn’t in the mood to deal with Englisch tourists.

  Every time he saw a slim young woman with long dark hair, he almost thought it was Natalie. If she was visiting family in Ohio, she had no real reason to visit the Millers. How long would it take for his eyes to stop tricking him? Or maybe it was his heart. He had nearly called Henry back the other night, asking if he knew a solution to help him and Natalie. But now, he knew for certain Natalie would be coming down the driveway, to his brother’s haus.

  Life had changed here for them forever and he was ready to go forward with life in Ohio. Even the idea of attending an event to see young Anne didn’t seem so bad. Anne. That was also Natalie’s middle name.

  A silver car stopped at the edge of the picket fence framing Jacob’s yard. He saw a swish of dark hair belonging to the driver behind the wheel.