The Forest Ranger's Christmas

by Leigh Bale

  A surge of protectiveness rushed through Clint. He yearned to take her in his arms. To share her burdens and keep her safe. But that was a fallacy. He’d shared Karen’s burdens, but that hadn’t stopped her from taking her own life. Nor could he prevent bad things from happening to Josie, either.

  “Clint.” She breathed his name, but he heard it just the same.

  “How is Frank?” he asked as he joined her, praying silently the elderly man would recover.

  She shook her head. “They haven’t told me anything yet. I’m sick with worry. I don’t know what could be taking so long. What are you doing here?”

  “You called me.”

  Her eyes widened in surprise as she wiped her nose and sniffed. “But I didn’t leave a message. How did you know?”

  “Caller ID. When I couldn’t reach you at Frank’s house, I phoned Mike Burdett. He told me everything.”

  “And you came.” Her voice sounded tremulous. In a sudden burst of emotion, she flung herself into his arms.

  He held her as she sobbed against his shoulder, obviously overwhelmed by her ordeal. It felt good to be needed. To have a woman depend upon him. To trust him. Somehow it lessened the sting of how badly he’d let Karen down.

  He wrapped his arms around Josie’s trembling back. The intimacy of cradling her close and comforting her like this did something to him inside. This was what he’d yearned for over the past few weeks. To have her pressed against him. He could almost feel his frozen heart thawing. His gaze lowered to her lips and a sense of longing slammed through him—so powerful that he almost kissed her right there in the hospital for all the world to see. The scent of cinnamon and allspice clung to her clothes and hair. The fragrance of home and hearth. He never wanted to let her go. And yet he must.

  “There, there. It’s gonna be okay. I promise.” He didn’t know what else to say. Each of them must die, and he knew it might very well be Frank’s turn. But Clint’s faith gave him the hope that death was not the end, but rather the beginning.

  He loved Frank like a father. The fact that Josie had tried to call him when Frank collapsed touched Clint on a deeply protective level. It indicated she trusted him. That she’d reached out for help. Something Karen had never done.

  “You okay now?” he asked.

  “Yes.” Josie took a shallow breath and gave a jerky nod.

  “I got here as fast as I could.”

  “Thank you for coming. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it.” Regaining her composure, she drew back and wiped the tears away with her fingertips. Mascara smudged her eyes.

  “You’re welcome. I couldn’t stay away.” He took hold of her chilled hands, trying to warm them with his larger ones.

  His confession caused a sting of warning to race up Clint’s spine. He loved her; he knew it now with perfect clarity. He loved her more than he could comprehend. But what if he couldn’t make her happy? What if they got engaged and she broke it off? Or if they married and she died, or decided to leave him later on? Divorce or death. He couldn’t take that chance again. If he were alone, that would be one thing. But he had to think about Gracie and the havoc such trauma might wreak on her young life.

  “Where’s Gracie?” Josie asked.

  His wayward thoughts caused the sizzling heat of embarrassment to flood his face. He hauled in a deep breath, trying to settle his nerves. “Rachel Burdett’s watching her until I get home. I’m sure she’s having fun playing with the three Burdett kids.”

  “I guess you were worried about Gramps.” Josie’s voice cracked and so did his heart.

  He tilted her chin up so that she met his gaze. “I was worried about you, too. What you’ve been through today hasn’t been easy. I didn’t want you to be alone.”

  A wobbly smile curved her lips, and in her eyes, he saw her disbelief. “No one’s ever come to be with me like this before. I don’t know what to say. I’ve intruded on your life so many times already, yet you always make time to be there when I need you most.”

  Yes, and he’d loved every minute of it. Cutting Christmas trees together, shoveling snow, roof repairs and eating Frank’s pancakes. But Clint couldn’t say that out loud. He’d already said too much.

  “It’s no problem. Come on.” Taking her hand, he led her down the hall to a secluded spot where they could sit and talk privately until the doctor came out to see them.

  “I can’t believe you actually drove here to Bridgeton,” she said as she slipped off her shoes and settled on a chair. She curled her legs beneath her, looking small and vulnerable.

  The sharp pain of loss stabbed his heart. He couldn’t make everything up to Karen, but he could sure make a difference for Frank and Josie Rushton. “Serving you and Frank has become kind of cathartic for me. It’s a way to lessen my own grief.”

  A silvery tear plummeted down her cheek and she shivered. “I’m sorry you have to see me like this. And I’m sorry you’re still grieving for Karen.”

  He licked his bottom lip. “I sometimes wonder if I’ll ever stop feeling guilty for her death.”

  Josie tilted her head. “Why, Clint? From what you’ve told me, you did everything you could to help her.”

  “I tried. I really did. But it wasn’t enough.”

  “Can you tell me what happened?”

  No, he didn’t want to. But something about this moment had drawn them close together. The possibility of losing Frank had become too real for both of them.

  He took a deep breath and let it go. “The first few months of our marriage, we were happy. Then we had the new baby and a promising future. Everything was going great, but Karen couldn’t see it. It’s as if she was two different people. Depression lived inside her. She was diagnosed with a serious case of bipolar disorder. Medication helped some, but she wouldn’t take it regularly. She slept all the time. I was working long hours, gone all the time. Don’t get me wrong. I know Karen adored Gracie. But postpartum depression complicated the problem. When I was called out on a wildfire, I thought Karen was getting better. She was getting up in the mornings, doing the laundry and cooking dinner. She became quieter, less complaining. I later learned that was a sign she’d pulled further inside of herself. I wasn’t there when she needed me the most. I guess that’s why I’m determined to be here for you. Because you need me.”

  There, he’d said it. And he couldn’t help contrasting Josie with Karen. Both women had suffered from severe loneliness. Neither one had enjoyed a happy childhood. But where Karen had shut herself off from the world and wallowed in her own grief, Josie had pushed forward, serving others. She’d never given up hope or stopped trying. She’d refused to quit. In Clint’s view, that was a distinct difference.

  “What happened when Karen died?” Josie asked.

  He gave a scoffing laugh, unable to forget the last time he’d seen his wife alive. She’d been holding their infant daughter close to her chest and had given him a halfhearted smile and a kiss goodbye.

  “I was called out on a wildfire in Montana. As I crossed the tarmac to get on the chopper, Karen held Gracie up and waved her little arms at me. Karen looked happy, if a bit pale and tired. I told her to get some rest. We were planning a trip to Yosemite once I returned.” He paused, the memories washing over him like a cold rain. “I was only gone one day when I received news that she’d taken our daughter over to the neighbor’s house, then went home and drowned her sorrows in a bottle of sleeping pills.”

  Josie cringed. “Oh, Clint. I’m so very sorry.”

  He clenched his eyes closed. Josie needed him to be strong right now. His old faded problems didn’t matter anymore. But oh, how he wished he could let them go.

  “You’re a remarkable man to have survived that and be doing such a great job with Gracie,” she said.

  “I haven’t made it, yet. I keep battling between compassion an
d anger toward Karen. I don’t know if I’ll ever understand why she couldn’t cope. Why weren’t Gracie and I enough to make her happy? Why did she have to take her own life?”

  Josie reached out and rested her hand on top of his. Her touch sent tingles of warmth shooting up his arm. “I don’t know all the answers, Clint. I do know depression is very real. As real as any other illness, like diabetes or cancer. Our modern medicine doesn’t know everything. Our minds and bodies are complicated machines. But you’ve taught me that God is the great equalizer. I think because of the atonement of Jesus Christ, all of us can receive forgiveness for our failings. And if you really believe that, then you should forgive Karen. You should forgive yourself, too. Let God be the judge. You don’t need to carry this burden anymore.”

  He flashed her a smile. “For someone with fledgling faith, how’d you get to be so smart?”

  She gave him a shy, sidelong glance. “You taught me.”

  He reared back, surprised by that. He thought about what she’d said and realized that forgiving Karen was easy. After all, she’d been mentally ill when she’d died. Not in her rational mind. But forgiving himself was much harder. He wanted it so much, craving redemption like a starving man craved bread. “Sometimes I think I was trying to fix Karen. And when I couldn’t, it devastated me. It left me believing I’d failed her miserably.”

  “No, you didn’t fail. I know you well enough to know you tried your hardest.”

  Not hard enough. In retrospect, he thought perhaps that had been his attraction for Karen. He was the great protector, after all. His entire purpose was to make her whole again. But now, he knew only the Lord could do that for her. And for him.

  Clint had a lot to think about.

  “Does Gracie know about Gramps?” Josie asked.

  “Yes. As soon as I know he’s all right, I’ve got to call her. I suspect the whole town knows about it by now and they’ll be waiting for news.”

  She chuckled, seeming more at ease now that he was here. “She’s a sweet little girl. You’re lucky to have her.”

  Thinking about his daughter made him laugh. “Yeah, I know it.”

  “Maybe it was for the best that Edward and I broke up. He never wanted children.”

  Clint looked at her closely. “And you do?”

  She nodded. “I do. Yes. Maybe someday. But it’s not looking too promising at this point in my life. I’m getting older.”

  “You still have time.”

  She shrugged. “I hope so.”

  “You’d make a great mother.”

  “You think so?” A gentle smile curved her lips.

  “Yes, if the way you treat Gracie is any indication.”

  Josie hesitated for several moments, as if thinking this over. “Thanks for saying that, Clint. I can’t tell you how much I needed to hear that right now. But Gracie is so easy to love.”

  “She certainly is.”

  And so are you, he thought to himself.

  He couldn’t help thinking how much Josie had overcome. Frank had recently told him a lot about her unhappy life. Clint thought of his own happy memories from his youth and wished he could share them with Josie. But he feared getting close. She’d already gone through two fiancés and Clint didn’t want to be the third. Besides, the end of the holidays would come soon enough. And then Josie would return home. And that would be that.

  Chapter Fifteen

  “Ms. Rushton?”

  Josie turned and saw a doctor standing in the doorway. He was wearing a white jacket and holding a clipboard, and had a stethoscope dangling around his neck. Both Josie and Clint popped out of their seats and hurried over to him.

  Finally some news.

  “I’m Jocelyn Rushton.” She clenched her hands, prepared for the worst. She took comfort from Clint’s silent support, highly aware of him resting one strong hand on her shoulder. She couldn’t believe he’d driven all the way to Bridgeton just to be with her during this difficult time. She fed off of his presence, feeling better.

  “I’m Dr. Crockett, your grandfather’s doctor. Frank is all right. His EKG and blood enzymes tell us he suffered a mild heart attack. He’s resting comfortably now.” Dr. Crockett’s thin brows arched with his smile.

  “Oh, thank the Lord.” Relief swept her body and she released her breath in one giant whoosh. She hadn’t been aware she’d been holding it in while she awaited the final verdict. Now, she had so much to be grateful for.

  “He doesn’t appear to have any arterial blockages,” the doctor continued. “I want to keep him in telemetry to monitor him overnight. If all goes well, he can return home tomorrow afternoon. I know it’s difficult during the holiday season, but I would suggest that he lower the intake of fat and carbohydrates from his diet. I’m also concerned that he hasn’t been taking his heart medication.”

  She tilted her head, conscious of Clint doing the same. Both of them were startled by this news. “What heart medication? I didn’t know he was supposed to be taking anything.”

  “I prescribed a blood thinner for him almost two years ago. This might not have happened if he’d been taking it regularly.”

  A sick feeling settled in Josie’s stomach. Maybe Gramps had stopped taking his medicine after Grandma died, because he couldn’t read the label. Josie wasn’t sure what his reasons were, but she intended to find out.

  “That won’t be a problem anymore. I’ll ensure he takes it from now on,” she promised.

  Dr. Crockett shifted the clipboard in his arms. “Good. I’m glad to hear it. I’ll write you out a new prescription. You might want to fill it here in Bridgeton before you return home to Camlin.”

  “I’ll do that,” Josie said.

  “You can both go in and see Frank now.”

  “Thank you, Doctor.” She smiled, grateful for the Lord’s intervention today.

  The doctor left them and Clint squeezed her arm. “You see? I told you everything would be fine.”

  “Yes, you did.” She couldn’t help returning his smile.

  “Do you mind if I come with you to visit the ol’ codger?”

  She laughed, feeling giddy with relief. “Of course not. You and Gracie are like family, Clint. Come on.”

  Together, they walked down the hall. After finding out which room Gramps was in, they went to see him in the ICU. A strand of holly and red berries had been strung along the top of the white curtain that partitioned his bed off from the rest of the room.

  He was wearing a hospital robe, and most of his body was covered by several thin blankets. The upper portion of his chest lay open to view and was taped with a twelve-lead EKG heart monitor. His left arm rested by his side and had been hooked up to an IV. His eyes were closed, his face serene.

  The moment Josie touched his hand, he turned his head and looked at her. “Hi, muffin.” His voice sounded raw and tired.

  “Hi, Gramps.” She leaned down and kissed his whiskery cheek.

  “How are you feeling, Frank?” Clint spoke beside her.

  “Great, though I wouldn’t want to run any marathons today.” He showed a weak smile.

  Clint and Josie laughed and she decided Gramps’s attempt at humor was a good sign.

  “I think I’ll call home and tell everyone the good news. Gracie’s awfully worried about you,” Clint said.

  Gramps blinked. “You tell her not to worry. I’m looking forward to reading with her again as soon as I get home. We’ve made it a contest, but she can still read faster than me.”

  “Don’t worry. You’ll catch up soon enough.” Clint stepped out of the room, and Josie took that opportunity to speak privately with Gramps.

  “Dr. Crockett said you haven’t been taking your heart medicine.”

  Gramps looked away, his chest expanding as he drew a deep breath. “I can’t aff
ord it, honey.”

  Oh, no. Josie couldn’t believe she’d missed this detail. Suddenly she understood all the extra payments in his bill drawer when she’d brought his accounts current. She’d written the late notices off as a casualty of his illiteracy, but now realized it wasn’t that simple. Her grandfather had been in financial need and she hadn’t even been aware of it. For whatever reasons, he hadn’t felt that he could consult with her over his troubles.

  And something else nibbled at the back of her mind.

  “Is that why Grandma was watching Gracie while Clint was at work? To make some extra money on the side?”

  He nodded, his gray eyes filled with affection. “But it was no bother. We loved having Gracie in our home. She reminded us of you when you were little, and she filled up our hearts with love.”

  Josie could understand. It’s how she felt about the little girl, too. And she’d be reticent to let that go when she left town again.

  “We can definitely afford your prescriptions, Gramps,” Josie insisted. “I wish you’d told me you needed money to pay for them.”

  “I didn’t want to bother you, muffin. You’ve got your own life and concerns. You don’t need an old man hanging on you like a giant leech.”

  “Gramps! Don’t say that. You’re no bother. You are my concern. I’m going to make sure you have everything you need. I’ve already contacted Carol Yerington. She’s going to come in and check on you every day and bring in your lunch and dinner, too. And Rachel Burdett is going to clean your house once a week. Don’t you worry about the expense. I’ve got it covered.”

  Gramps gave an impatient gesture. “Oh, phooey. I don’t need all that nonsense.”

  “Yes, you do, so don’t argue. You need to eat something besides soup, oatmeal, pastries and bacon. Please don’t fight me on this. It’s the concession I need from you if you’re going to stay in Camlin when I return to Las Vegas.” Careful of his IV and other lines, she hugged him to soften her rebuff. “I can’t lose you, Gramps. We need to keep you healthy. We’re a team. We can do this together. Okay?”