Casting Down Imaginations

by LaShanda Michelle

  He already knew what was coming. “Look, I’m sorry, alright. But I didn’t know you were gonna do all this. I thought I was just coming over to chill. You throwing some kinda celebration or something.”

  I pouted. “It was supposed to be a celebration.”

  He threw his hands in the air. “Of what?”

  I felt my lip sticking out, but I didn’t care. “Of me and you getting back together. At least that’s what I thought. Why did you tell me you were gonna come chill if you had someplace to go?”

  “I said I was gon’ chill, not stay over. I just found out that I got some extra time at the studio.”

  He was lying.

  “You aren’t going to that stupid studio and you know it. You’re going to be with Lexi, aren’t you?”

  He pushed me off his lap and stood to his feet. “Nya, we been through this, alright. You know I got a girlfriend.”

  I didn’t give a damn about his so-called girlfriend. I needed him to be here with me. For me and for the baby. Our baby.

  “If she’s your girlfriend then why are you here with me?”

  He didn’t say anything. We both knew the answer.

  “Just so you could get some, right?”

  He didn’t respond. My stomach was suddenly upset. Not because of the baby, but because of my disgust for him.

  “You know what, Reese? Just get out! I hate you!”

  “Look, don’t start, alright.” His tone let me know he wasn’t in the mood for any lip from me. “I don’ told you about hollerin’ at me. I don’t know what you mad at me for, anyway. I never said you and I were back together again. I got a girl, and you know that.”

  The rejection felt like a cold double-edged dagger in my heart as I watched him make his way toward the door to leave. Water crept from my eye at the realization that my dream of us raising a child together would never come true.

  “Reese, I’m pregnant,” I blurted out.

  He turned around slowly and tried to look through me. “What?”

  It was too late to take it back. That wasn’t the way I wanted to tell him, but the truth was out in the open now.

  “I’m pregnant.”

  “You’re lying.”

  “No, I’m not. I wouldn’t lie about something like that and you know it.”

  He became angry. “How the hell are you gon’ try and pull this on me, Nya? Huh? ‘Cause I don’t want to be your man, you gon’ trip like this?”

  I flopped down on the sofa. “Ain’t nobody trippin’.”

  He chuckled loudly. “Oh, somebody is. You mean to tell me that you pregnant already. Just from the other night? I ain’t stupid, Nya. You wouldn’t know that fast.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Not the other night, stupid,” I snapped. “From before, when we were together. I’m a few weeks pregnant.”

  “You found out about my deal, didn’t you?” he asked.

  My head snapped up. “What? What deal?”

  “You know what I’m talking about. My record deal that Lexi hooked up for me. You found out about it, that’s why you doing all of this. Coming to my place to get down, then hollering you pregnant.”

  He got a record deal?

  “Reese, I don’t know anything about any record deal. And if you think that I’m that shallow, or that much of a gold digger, then you really don’t know me at all.”

  “Yeah, well. I know enough of you to know that I ain’t having no baby with you, if you even really are pregnant.”

  Now I was pissed.

  “Are you calling me a ho?”

  “You said it, I didn’t.”

  “Oh my goodness!” I yelled, angrier than I could have ever imagined being at him. “You, Mr. I Can’t Keep My Penis In My Pants, are calling me a ho! Reese, you have sex with every girl who throws some your way, and you’re calling me the ho!”

  “Don’t try that with me. From the jump that’s all you been about. Doing what you do, then you wanna act like a good girl and have a relationship and stuff? I don’t do relationships.”

  “That’s not what you were saying when you were getting this. And if you don’t do relationships, then what is Lexi, huh? Who is Lexi? Who is she?”

  “Hey, don’t you worry about Lexi, alright. She ain’t you, so you just leave her right where she is.”

  I got in his face. “Are you defending her?” I reached up and slapped him.

  “Keep your hands off of me, Nya. I mean it, girl. I mean it!”

  I could have cared less about his warning. “You love her?” I asked him, and slapped him again.

  “Nya, I ain’t playin’ wit’ you. Stop hitting me, before you make me do something I might regret.”

  I hit him again. “I hate you! Get the hell out of my house!”

  Anger flared in his eyes and he backhanded me across the face. I flew backward onto the sofa and then slid onto the floor. My face and my back hurt. Not knowing what else to do, I curled into a ball and laid there, my face to the ground. I didn’t want to look up and see him.

  “Look what you made me do!” he yelled at me. “Look what you made me do! I didn’t wanna do it, but you made me! You made me!”

  I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want to make him angrier or get hit again.

  “I’m sorry,” he huffed, coming to himself. “Look, I’m sorry, alright?”

  My only response was crying. He kneeled down beside me on the floor and hugged me. I didn’t move.

  “I’m sorry,” he kissed me. “I’m sorry, baby.”

  I sat up and pushed him away. “Don’t baby me,” I sniffled as I cried. “Just get out.”

  He sighed. “Look, Nya. I’m sorry. I just got mad. Why you tryin’ to play me with this baby crap?”

  I turned to him and lifted my camisole over my belly, revealing my pregnancy bump. “Does this look like crap to you?” I yelled.

  His eyes grew wide. There was no denying I was pregnant.

  “I kept trying to call you,” I whispered as I pulled my top back down. “You never answered.”

  He winced. “Sorry about that,” he apologized.

  I didn’t care. There was no excuse good enough for the way he treated me.

  “But we used a condom,” he told me.

  I wiped my nose with the back of my hand. “They don’t always work,” I informed him. “I know. I looked it up.”

  He frowned. “What are you gon’ do with it?”

  I looked at him like he was crazy. “What do you mean, what am I going to do with it?”

  He stood to his feet and looked down at me. “You’re not keeping this baby.”

  It felt like he had punched me in the chest. “What?”

  He began to pace in front of me, frantically thinking. “You gotta get rid of it,” he said. “You have to.”

  “What do you mean, I have to?”

  “I can’t have no kids!” he yelled.

  “Why are you yelling at me?”

  “Because it’s your fault!”

  I didn’t get it. “What the hell are you talking about? How is it my fault?”

  He shook his head, not knowing what else to say. “Look, just get rid of it,” he said, and walked toward the door.

  “You want me to have an abortion?”

  He turned. “Do whatever the hell you have to do, alright. I ain’t having no damn kids. Not now, not ever. I just got a record deal, which means I am finally getting the hell out of Daytown, and I don’t need you or no damn kid dragging me down! Did you hear me? Get rid of the baby!”

  With a face full of tears, I watched as he walked out of the door and out of my life. I sprawled out across the floor and cried myself to sleep, wondering after all of this, why he still refused to love me.

  thirty one

  Anaya

  “You can go in now, Ms. Patterson,” the receptionist behind the counter told me.

  Feeling sick and in a trance, I stood to my feet and walked into the doctor’s exam room. Once inside his assistant gave me a reassuring smil
e, but I was too busy concentrating on how not to throw up all over the place to take comfort in it.

  She handed me a folded gown. “Please change into your gown. The doctor will be in to see you in a few minutes. After you’re finished, go ahead and position yourself on the table and place your feet in the stirrups.”

  I watched as she drew the curtain in front of the door closed and left the room. Trying my best to be strong, I set my things down on the floor and changed my clothes. What I was about to do went against everything I was taught, but Reese made it clear that I had no choice. He and I weren’t going to be together, so there was no way I could keep this baby. I couldn’t take care of a child all on my own, so I had to kill it.

  There were two knocks on the door.

  “Ms. Patterson, are you done?” the assistant asked.

  It took everything that I had inside to answer yes. She and the doctor entered the room as I sat on the table.

  “Good morning, Miss Patterson,” Dr. Eagleton said.

  I didn’t respond. I didn’t want to. I felt my body grow all the more tense as he leaned me back and placed my feet in the stirrups.

  “The procedure won’t take long,” he told me. “We should be finished within twenty minutes. But it’s our policy here at the clinic that you wait an hour before going home. Okay?”

  I nodded. I didn’t want to do this. This was my baby. My baby. Shouldn’t I have been protecting it instead of getting rid of it?

  A drop of water dripped from my eye. I didn’t wipe it away.

  Dr. Eagleton sat on his stool and wheeled his way in front of me.

  “Let’s go ahead and get started. Would you like to listen to anything?”

  I frowned, not knowing what he was talking about.

  He tried to give me a smile. “Most patients would prefer to listen to music. It diverts their attention away from the suction.”

  The suction?

  I swallowed the gasp that arose within me. Most of his patients wanted to listen to music so that they wouldn’t hear the baby killing machine sucking their baby out of them!

  Oh no. This is horrible. This is terrible!

  I nodded. They probably knew what they were talking about.

  His assistant draped a folded sheet over my knees as I tried with no success to relax. I watched her as she turned on the stereo. I already didn’t like her. I kept my eyes on her as Dr. Eagleton began to explain what he was about to do to me.

  “First I’m going to insert a specula into your vagina so that I can clearly see your cervix. I’m going to use an antiseptic swab to prevent infection, and then—”

  “Infection?” I sat up on my elbows, interrupting him.

  The doctor and his assistant exchanged glances.

  “Yes, Ms. Patterson,” he said. “This is a medical procedure, and with all medical procedures there is a risk of infection. But don’t worry. It is very unlikely.”

  I leaned back against the exam table, not really satisfied, but settled.

  Jesus, please don’t let me get any infections.

  Dr. Eagleton continued. “As I was saying, I’m using an antiseptic to prevent infection, and then I will inject the cervix with a numbing agent to assist with the pain.”

  I sat up. “Pain?”

  They exchanged glances again.

  “Ms. Patterson, you’ve heard all of this before,” his assistant said kindly. “We went over all of it in your counseling session earlier this week, remember?”

  I thought about it. The information did seem vaguely familiar, but that day I wasn’t really listening. I was too busy thinking about Reese and how he had dissed me, and how even a baby wasn’t enough to make him act right. Then I just wanted the baby out of me so that I could go on with my life and forget all about him. But now I wasn’t so sure. It all seemed so technical, so inhumane. This was my baby, my little girl or little boy that they were talking about. It was like they didn’t even care. Maybe they didn’t.

  “Don’t you remember, Ms. Patterson?” she asked again.

  I nodded.

  “Good. Now, unless there’s an emergency or you are feeling extreme discomfort, please don’t interrupt Dr. Eagleton again. He has another appointment right after you, and he can’t be late.”

  He looked as if he was glad she said it so that he wouldn’t have to.

  I took my position on the exam table once more.

  He cleared his throat. “After I inject the numbing agent, we’ll dilate the cervix and then...”

  I started to tune him out. I had to. If I didn’t I was gonna freak out. This was all happening so fast. He made it sound so impersonal. But why did I care so much? This was what I wanted. Right?

  I tried my best to relax as Dr. Eagleton started. I squeezed my eyes shut at the discomfort.

  What am I doing? Two months ago I was still a virgin, and now I’m getting an abortion. What have I come to?

  “This is going to feel like a pinch,” Dr. Eagleton told me.

  “What is it?”

  “It’s a shot to numb you,” he said.

  I felt the pinch. It hurt, but I didn’t say anything. My mind wandered as I watched his assistant pass different utensils from a nearby tray.

  Am I really doing this? Is this really happening? Am I actually… killing… my own baby?

  The more I thought about it the harder I tried to stop crying, but the tears kept flowing. I didn’t want the baby, but I didn’t know what else to do. I couldn’t keep it. I couldn’t even have it and then give it up for adoption. What would Deacon say? Would he disown me if he knew? I didn’t even have anyone to be there for me. All I had was myself, and I couldn’t go through a whole pregnancy alone. I had to do this.

  A vision of Karen popped in my mind.

  Oh my goodness… Is this karma? Why was I so mean to her? I accused her of having an abortion, and now I’m lying here doing the same exact thing. I went and blabbed her business all over school, and I still don’t even know if it was actually true. She could have actually had a miscarriage…

  Maybe this is what I deserve.

  I cried harder. Dr. Eagleton’s assistant walked over to me and took me by the hand.

  “You’re okay,” she tried to comfort me.

  I looked away. I didn’t want to believe her lie. It was a lie because I wasn’t okay. I wanted to get up from the table and run out of the room screaming. I still couldn’t believe I was actually doing this.

  And then it started. I gripped the assistant’s hand in response to the suction coming from the machine.

  No… No… THAT’S MY BABY! My daughter! My daughter! That’s my daughter!!!

  I didn’t know how I knew it, but I knew she was a girl. She had to be. She was gonna be so beautiful and so sweet, and even though she wouldn’t have a father, she would still be okay because Jesus would be her dad. And Deacon would still love her and take care of her, and I would too.

  “No!” I screamed.

  “Ms. Patterson, calm down,” the assistant told me.

  Through my tears I looked at them as the noisy machine kept going. I hated the sound of it. It was chilling… It was killing. I hated the sound of the machine, but I hated the expressions on their faces even more. They didn’t even care about me or my child. But why should they? They didn’t even know me. All they knew was that I paid them six hundred and fifty dollars to do a job, and that was what they were doing.

  I wiped my tears, not caring that they saw. I was killing a baby that I just now realized I had the ability to love.

  “You’re okay,” the assistant told me again, and moved closer to me.

  She was trying to comfort me, but there was no warmth. Both she and the doctor were cold. I didn’t want to be alone with either one of them. I just wanted to go home.

  I let go of her hand. “I’m okay,” I lied and wiped my face.

  I was expecting her to walk away, but she didn’t. She just stood there like she didn’t know what to do.

  “I’m okay,�
� I repeated, waiting for her to leave my side. She didn’t. Her mouth drooped slightly, like she wanted to say something but couldn’t. Like she needed to, but didn’t know if she could. She and Dr. Eagleton both looked uncomfortable. Something was wrong. Why wasn’t she moving away from me?

  I looked at the clear tube that was running from beneath the sheet draped over my knees. I tried to pretend that it wasn’t filled with blood from my uterus, but the realness of the situation was beyond ignoring. My eyes followed the tube to see where it ended, but the final destination of its contents was blocked by the assistant. I shifted to peek around her, but she purposely side stepped to get in the way. Confused, I looked up at her, who then looked at Dr. Eagleton. His face revealed that he was just as uncomfortable as she was. Why was she blocking my view?

  “Move,” I commanded.

  She reached for my hand again, but I pulled away.

  “Move!”

  “Ms. Patterson, please,” she said. “There’s no reason to get upset.”

  “Then move!” I said again, and pushed her to the side. She jumped back.

  Dr. Eagleton stood to his feet and walked over to his assistant.

  “Ms. Patterson, please, calm down,” he said.

  My heart began to race. “No,” I said. “Move. Move out of the way!”

  The assistant grabbed my arm and tried to pin it against my side on the exam table. I jerked away from her and shoved her into the doctor. Both of them tried to stand in front of me again, but it was too late. I already saw it.

  I gasped as both my heart and my stomach jumped into my throat. On a table next to me I found out where the tube was going. It led right into a small jar that was filling up with the person that used to be my child. The crushed remains of my legacy stared back at me.

  Horrified by what I saw, I turned away and let out a painful cry. My body wasn’t in pain, but my spirit was. It grieved for the tears it would never see, the laughter it would never hear, and the accomplishments that would never take place. A piece of my soul died right there in the room with my child.

  “Ms. Patterson, I’m sorry,” the assistant apologized. “I tried to keep you from seeing…”

  I tuned her out as soon as she started talking. I didn’t want to hear what she had to say. I threw up on the floor as the doctor and his assistant watched in disgust.