Love's Masquerade

by Radclyffe

  “Not right away—maybe not at all. It depends on the regimen they’re using to prepare her for the transplant.”

  “Will I be able to see her tonight?”

  “I don’t know. It sucks, Auden, but you’re not legally Hays’s family.” Gayle balled her fists, because it killed her to say that, knowing that Auden probably meant more to Hays than anyone in the world. “I’m going to have to call her hematologist to clear it. I know him by sight, but he probably doesn’t know me. I’ll do what I can.”

  Auden thought for a moment, then dug in her briefcase for her phone. After a moment, she punched in a number and waited, holding her breath. “Abel? It’s Auden Frost. Are you with her?” She expected him to hesitate or hedge, and his prompt reply surprised her.

  “I just left the hospital,” he answered with what almost sounded like relief. “Where are you?”

  “On I-95, about fifteen minutes from there. How is she?”

  “Right now, all right. They’re giving her some more blood.”

  His voice was eerily flat. It was frightening to hear Abel sound overwhelmed. “What about the transplant?”

  “Christopher is catching the redeye from Los Angeles, and they’ve started the drugs. It could be as soon as tomorrow.”

  Auden gasped. “I need to see her tonight. Can you arrange that?”

  “She didn’t want you to know about this.”

  “I don’t care, Abel. I...we’re lovers and—”

  “I know. And I’m glad.”

  Auden’s voice grew stronger. “If there’s some list of priority visitors or something, I want on it. I need to be able to see her.”

  “I’ll make some calls.”

  “You have my cell phone number, in case...you need to reach me for any reason?”

  “Yes.”

  “Thank you for this.”

  “No, Auden. Don’t thank me. Just...please help her get through this.”

  “I will,” she said softly. “Goodbye.”

  Gayle said, “We’ll be there in another five minutes.”

  “Tell me what to expect.”

  “If they’re treating her on an investigational study, they’ll be pretty strict about the protocols, even if all the precautions are not absolutely necessary. She might be in an isolation room already.”

  “Meaning?”

  “Gowns, maybe gloves and masks—everything possible to keep her from getting infected while her immune system is knocked down from the chemo.”

  “Will I be able to touch her?”

  “I’m not sure, Aud,” Gayle said softly. It hurt so much to hear Auden’s anguish, Gayle wondered if she was going to be able to stand this. She wished then that she’d asked Thane to come with them instead of encouraging her to remain at the convention. Suddenly, she longed for the solace of Thane’s presence and understood poignantly how much Auden must want to be with Hays. “We’ll find out soon. We’re here.”

  While Gayle leaned forward to instruct the driver on where to wait for them, Auden glanced at her watch. Ten-thirty. She squared her shoulders and pushed open the car door. “Okay. Let’s go.”

  Ten minutes later, they were standing at the nurse’s station while Gayle spoke to the head nurse. “I’m Dr. Dunbar and this is Auden Frost. We’d like to see one of your patients—Haydon Palmer.”

  “Oh, the new admission.”

  Auden hated the place for no good reason at all. The halls were clean, bright, and cheerily painted in pastel tones. And there was a nice big sign saying Oncology, and Hays was the “new admission.” She wanted to find Hays and take her away. Take her home. She wanted to light the logs in the fireplace and hold her beneath the soft afghan that had sheltered them as they’d made love and make sure that nothing ever hurt her ever again. Auden bit her lip and closed her fists so tightly that her nails nearly pierced her palms.

  “Yes,” Gayle was saying. “I can call her attending if you li—”

  “No, that won’t be necessary. Dr. Rosenberg just this minute called and said it was fine that Ms. Frost see the patient at any time. Just be sure to follow the posted instructions. Room 651.”

  “Got it. Thanks.”

  Auden followed Gayle to the end of the hall where two rooms opened off a small anteroom with scrub sinks and cabinets which held cover gowns, shoe covers, disposable surgical gloves, and surgical masks. A prominent yellow sign stated Isolation above a list of rules. Both doors to the patient rooms were closed.

  “Just put on those booties and a yellow gown,” Gayle instructed. “Then take off any jewelry and scrub your hands in the sink with the surgical soap from the dispenser for two minutes.”

  “Good?” Auden asked when she’d finished.

  “Yep. Fine. They’re not requiring a mask or gloves, so you’re set.” Gayle gave Auden’s arm a squeeze. “I’ll wait out here.”

  Carefully, Auden opened the door and stepped into the patient room. There was a single bed lit by an overhead light fixture turned down to its lowest setting. “Hays?”

  “You’re unstoppable.” She sounded weary but alert. “How did you find me so quickly?”

  “I had help.” Auden walked to the side of the bed. An IV pole stood on one side of the head of the bed, and blood flowed from a bag connected to an intravenous line that went into a vein in Hays’s left arm. There was another intravenous line taped to her right arm, and clear fluids from several smaller intravenous bags were infusing into that one. “How do you feel?”

  “Depends. How angry are you with me?”

  Auden desperately wanted to touch her, but she wasn’t certain it was safe. She curled her fingers around the steel railing that separated her from her lover. “I asked you first.”

  Silence ensued, but Hays quickly relented. She was so very glad to see Auden that she couldn’t bear to keep fighting her. “I had a monster headache a few hours ago, but the blood has helped a lot. I can’t feel anything from the chemotherapy yet.” She lifted her right hand and placed it over Auden’s on the rail. “There’s a good chance I’ll be out of here in a day or two. I don’t suppose I can talk you into leaving and then waiting for me to call you?”

  “When will that be, do you think, when you would call?” Unable to stop herself, Auden entwined her fingers with Hays’s. “Will it be when you come home in a day or two? Or will it be after all of the treatment is over? Or will it be in six months...or six years...when you’ve decided that it’s safe for me to love you?”

  “Oh, Auden,” Hays sighed. “Can’t you take the easy way out?”

  “The only easy way is for me to be with you.” Auden brushed her free hand through Hays’s hair. “And to answer your question, I was really pissed at you for a while, but I’m mostly over it now. I only have to see you, and I forget how mad you make me.”

  “Thank God for that.”

  “I want to kiss you so badly. I hate not being able to touch you as much as I want.”

  For the first time, Hays smiled. “We made love last night and again this morning. I don’t think there’s anything remotely contagious about you, and if there were, I’ve already been exposed.” She tugged on Auden’s hand. “I would like it very much if you would kiss me.”

  Auden leaned over the rail and placed a soft, lingering kiss on Hays’s mouth. “Will we have to stop this for a while?”

  “I think kisses will still be allowed. Chances are I won’t be much good for anything else in the beginning.” Hays looked away. When she spoke again, her voice was low, tormented. “I’m so sorry about this. Jesus, you deserve so much more.”

  “You know what almost broke my heart, Hays?” Auden asked softly.

  Slowly, Hays turned her head back and met Auden’s steady gaze. “What?”

  “That you would leave me without saying goodbye.”

  Tears trembled on Hays’s lashes. “I thought it would hurt you less than if something...something went wrong here.”

  “Well, you were mistaken. But I forgive you because I know you di
d it out of love.” Auden caressed the top of Hays’s hand with her fingers, wanting so much more but settling for this small contact. “I can wait to make love with you again, but I can’t wait in limbo somewhere not knowing what’s happening to you.”

  “I love you so much,” Hays murmured. “I don’t want anything to hurt you.”

  “One of these days, I want you to say I love you without sounding sorry.” Auden gripped the rail tightly. “That’s what I want.”

  “Oh, sweet Auden.” Tears trickled softly down Hays’s cheeks, unheeded now. “I’m not sorry that I love you. I’m not sorry that you love me—never that—it’s the most precious thing that’s ever happened to me in my life.”

  “Then why are you so sad, sweetheart?”

  “Because I want you to be happy.”

  Auden smiled, a sure, certain smile. “You, Haydon Palmer, have already made me the happiest woman in the world.”

  Hays brushed at the tears on her face and heaved a great sigh. “I believe I’m going to have to concede this argument. You’re indefatigable.”

  “Thank you. It’s about time you admitted that.” Suddenly serious once again, Auden urged, “Tell me what’s going to happen in the next few days.”

  “Tomorrow morning I get a low dose of full-body radiation. Tomorrow afternoon or Sunday morning, I get the stem cell transplant from my brother.”

  Auden blinked. “So soon?”

  “The sooner the better, apparently.” Hays held Auden’s gaze unflinchingly. “My counts are in the basement. Paul is worried that I won’t bounce back again. He thinks we should push ahead before I get...too weak.”

  “I see.” Auden’s voice was a whisper. “Is Abel taking care of the arrangements for your brother?”

  “All bases covered.” Hays shifted restlessly under the thin hospital blanket.

  “Does your brother know you’re a lesbian?”

  Hays nodded. “Yes. And I’ll tell him about you tomorrow. You won’t need to feel awkward with him.”

  “What do you intend to tell him?”

  “That you’re the love of my life.”

  “No wonder I fell in love with you.” Auden smiled faintly. “You really are the most romantic woman on the planet.”

  “There’s something you should know,” Hays said quietly. “Abel has medical power of attorney for me and he knows my wishes. If anything happens, he’ll take care of things with the doctors. You can trust him.”

  “Is there anything you want me to know? About that?” Auden’s heart was in her throat. This was not a conversation she had expected to have at this point with the woman who had walked into her life and not only captured her heart, but also claimed her soul. Not now. Not yet. But here they were.

  Hays shook her head. “I promised you I’d fight. I will, I swear. But if I can’t anymore, then I want you to know...” Her voice broke. “Just know it’s all right...to let go.”

  “I’m sorry,” Auden whispered. Tears slowly trickled unchecked. “I swore I wouldn’t do this.”

  “It’s okay.” Hays’s voice was gentle, her fingers softly caressing Auden’s arm. She was crying, too, but didn’t notice. “You’re perfect. You’re everything. I love you.”

  “God,” Auden gasped, fumbling with one hand to pull Kleenex from a dispenser on the bedside table. She could barely reach, but she wouldn’t let go of Hays’s hand. Finally, she managed it and wiped her eyes. “I adore you.”

  Hays grinned. “You know, I look sicker than I am at the moment.”

  Auden smiled tremulously. “You can’t be trying to seduce me.”

  “You can be pretty sure that’s one thing I’ll never stop doing.”

  “Well, I’ll hold you to that. And just as a reminder...” Auden looked around the room. “Do you happen to have a pen and paper in here?”

  “My briefcase is in the closet. Why?”

  Reluctantly, Auden released Hays’s hand, went to the closet, and pulled out the briefcase. In a second, she returned to the bedside with a pen and note card. She wrote for a moment, then asked, “Can you write?”

  “Sure. But wha—”

  “Sign this.” Auden handed Hays the index card.

  Hays read: I owe you -- the next sunny day.

  Laughing, she signed her name and handed it back. “Rain check?”

  “Uh-huh. They’re starting to add up, Palmer.”

  “You charging interest?”

  Auden slid the card into her pocket, leaned over, and kissed Hays again. “Mmm. Two for one.”

  “I love you.” Hays loved saying it.

  “I love you.” Auden forced herself to release Hays’s hand. “What time is your treatment?”

  “Nine.”

  With difficulty, Auden forced a smile. “You should get some rest. I’ll come back in the morning.”

  Hays felt as if a huge lead weight had settled in her stomach. She wanted to beg Auden to stay. She wanted to climb out of the bed and go with her. She glanced up. The second unit of blood was almost in. She’d feel better now. They could go home, make love, wake up together. “Auden,” she whispered. Don’t leave me.

  “I’ll be here first thing.” Auden’s voice shook. She took a step backward in the direction of the door. I will not cry again.

  “Okay. Sure.” Hays tried out a smile. It wavered. “Is Gayle with you?”

  “Right outside.” Auden’s heart was breaking. Hays looked so alone, and the thought of leaving her even for an hour was painful beyond imagination. She wouldn’t even have considered going except that it seemed Hays needed to rest. “Try to sleep.”

  Hays nodded. “You rest, too, okay?”

  Auden was almost at the door, but she wasn’t certain she could go through. “I will. I love you.”

  “’Night,” Hays called, her left hand wrapped tightly around the rail. As the door slowly swung closed, she shut her eyes, the better to remember Auden’s face through the long night ahead.

  Outside, Gayle pushed away from the wall where she had been leaning as she waited. “You okay?”

  Auden shook her head, not trusting her voice, and leaned into Gayle for support.

  “Okay, sweetie,” Gayle said gently, threading her arm around Auden’s waist. “Let’s get you home.”

  Chapter Thirty

  Auden and Gayle were halfway down to the lobby in the elevator before Auden spoke.

  “I can’t do this.”

  Gayle quickly hid her surprise. She hadn’t expected this reaction from Auden, but she understood it. This kind of illness was hell on couples, even when they’d been together for years. Tenderly, she took her friend’s hand.

  “It’s hard, honey, I know. You’ve had a lot thrown at you in a short time. First, you come out, then you discover that your new lover is terribly ill. No one would fault you for needing to step back.”

  Auden raised anguished eyes to Gayle’s. “Step back?”

  “Hays loves you—she’ll understand. Take a few days off from work, maybe even get away for a little while—give yourself some time to absorb what’s happened.” Gayle’s expression was compassionate. “I’ll talk to Hays if you want and explain why you’re not here. I know she’ll be glad that you’re taking care of yourself. She’ll want that.”

  “You’re the best friend I could ever have,” Auden murmured.

  “I love you,” Gayle said softly as the elevator doors slid open on the first floor, and she walked out. She stopped, turned, and looked back in surprise at Auden, who was still in the elevator car. “Aud?”

  “I can’t leave her.” Auden smiled faintly. “That’s what I meant. I’m going back upstairs, and I’m staying with her until someone tells me it’s not safe for her if I’m there. Otherwise, they’ll need dynamite to get me away from her.”

  Gayle grinned, a wave of relief passing over her face. “Ah—all’s right with the world again.”

  “Yes,” Auden agreed, feeling the pain in her heart lessen. “It is.”

  “You go bac
k—I’ll take care of getting your luggage home. Call and tell me if you need anything.”

  Auden held the door open with her hand. “Go back to New York. Spend the rest of the weekend with Thane.”

  “You sure?” Gayle asked dubiously, although her eyes lit up just thinking about her girlfriend.

  “Yes, I’m sure. I’ll be fine.” Auden let the doors close as she said, “Go to her. Don’t let this chance get away.”

  Once back on the oncology floor, Auden repeated the washing and gowning routine, then quietly opened Hays’s door. If Hays was sleeping, she didn’t want to wake her. There was no movement from the still figure in the bed. Stepping carefully, Auden lifted the one upholstered armchair and moved it closer to the bed.

  Hays turned her head and opened her eyes. “Auden?”

  “Hello, sweetheart.”

  “I’m so glad you’re here,” Hays whispered, raising a hand above the rail.

  Throat tight, Auden touched her fingers to Hays’s. “I need to be with you.”

  “I...” Hays’s voice was thick with tears. “I need you so much.”

  “That’s good, because...” Auden struggled with her own tears of fatigue and fear. “I love you.”

  “Did I fall asleep? It’s not morning, is it?”

  “No, honey. It’s just before midnight.” Auden shook the bedrail slightly. “Will you promise not to fall out if I put this thing down?”

  Hays laughed weakly. “Promise.”

  Carefully, Auden lowered the rail on the right side of the bed and pulled her chair as close as she could. Hays edged to the side of the bed, and they linked hands below the intravenous line taped just above Hays’s right wrist. Then Auden leaned down, stretched out an arm on the bed behind Hays’s head, and snuggled her face close to Hays’s on the pillow.

  “Thank you for coming back.” Hays’s voice was worn thin with exhaustion.

  “You never have to thank me for loving you,” Auden said quietly before she kissed the corner of Hays’s mouth. “I promise that you will always have the comfort of my hand in yours.” She smoothed Hays’s hair. “And that I will always be here so that you won’t be afraid.”

  “Sweet Auden.” Hays looked into Auden’s eyes, soothed by the tender gaze. “I love you.”