Facing Fire

by HelenKay Dimon

  “It’s done.” He nodded. “This job anyway.”

  Sutton didn’t like the sound of that at all. “Aren’t you a ray of sunshine?”

  After a quick glance at Sutton, Tasha looked at Josiah. “On to the next bad guy.”

  “Don’t you guys take a break?” Sutton wanted to fall over. The idea of them mobilizing tomorrow to handle some new threat made her queasy.

  Tasha just stared out over the balcony. “No, and why is that, Josiah?”

  He didn’t hesitate. “Because they don’t stop coming.”

  26

  TASHA’S WORDS echoed in Josiah’s mind hours later. All the rubbish he’d been holding back rushed forward. His uncle, Harlan, hearing Sutton tell him to kill her. And if his head had been where it should be, on the job, he would have.

  The right move was to take away Benton’s bargaining chip and then kill him. But he’d hesitated. In that second, the idea of watching her bleed out weighed more on him than the lives of the countless thousands Benton would have taken. He’d lost perspective. He’d never felt this empty.

  He just didn’t have anything left. No energy. No desire to keep pushing forward. He didn’t care about the next bad guy, about the next threat. Someone else could step up because he was ready to sit down.

  He didn’t know how long he stayed there on the edge of the bed with his head down and his arms resting on his thighs. His back hurt and his head pounded. He kept getting dizzy and the thumping just got louder. Damn concussion.

  Soon he heard her come in. The soft patter of her feet. The scent of her shampoo.

  He stayed bent over but slid his elbows closer to his body. Fingers slipped through his hair, and her soft body slipped between his legs. He wanted to lift his head and warn her away, but he balanced his head against her stomach and closed his eyes instead. Let her warmth wash over him, if only for a little while.

  His hands went to her hips. He rubbed his cheek against her. She talked about comfort. Now he got it. It fed your soul and let you get up again. He just didn’t know if he wanted to stand. He’d been taking his post and doing the job since he got out of college. His reserves had run dry.

  His feelings for her, all mixed up and confusing, had gotten all wrapped up with his hatred for what he’d become. He’d been fighting this fight for so long. He didn’t have anything left to give.

  “I’m so tired.” He whispered the words against her shirt.

  She kissed the top of his head. “You should take a shower and crawl into bed. I can bring you something to eat. Snuggle up next to you for a few hours.”

  More comfort, but she didn’t get it. This wasn’t about sleep or even about losing himself in her as he’d done before. It worked then. He didn’t see it working now.

  He forced his head up. His gaze met hers. The worry lingered there on her mouth and at the corners of her eyes. Worry for him. He couldn’t remember the last time someone cared enough to worry for him.

  “I don’t know if I can do this anymore.” His words sounded harsh and grating to his ears.

  Her hands froze in the middle of their gentle massage against his scalp. “What’s the ‘this’ in that sentence?”

  “This work breaks you.” He tried to find the right words but his brain wouldn’t function and the hollowness started to swallow him up. “There’s nothing left of me and who I was. I don’t believe in anything.”

  She slipped her hand around to cup his chin and lift his head higher. “What are you talking about?”

  “I don’t even feel human.”

  She treated him to a soft smile. “To mourn Harlan, to protect me when you should have just left me behind, requires humanity. My God, Josiah. You’ve been through so much. If you didn’t feel lost and exhausted, I would wonder. You’re human. You need to recharge.”

  She made it sound good. So logical and easy. But she hadn’t seen all he’d seen. The losses on this job piled up but it was still only one job. For him the Benton mess was one piece in a lifetime of death. The first explosion took his mother but there had been so many since then that he’d lost count. He used to keep track of the killings, but the number got so high it scared the shit out of him.

  She slid her hand through his hair again. “You need rest.”

  “I need a break.” She smiled but he knew they weren’t saying the same thing. “I need to walk away.”

  Her mouth fell. “You mean from the job? I’m sure Tasha would—”

  “Everything.” But he sensed she knew that. The relaxed woman who walked into the bedroom prepared to hold him and soothe him disappeared. She still touched him and stood close but a certain wariness washed over her.

  He’d hurt her. He could see it in every line of her body. On top of everything else, he said and did things that hurt her. He’d yelled at her, put her in danger. He’d watched the light drain out of her before and he was about to do it again.

  “You mean me.” She moved back, breaking her hold on him. “You need a break from me. Already.”

  This wasn’t really about her. She was the one thing that made sense. The one thing he could not have. “You deserve so much better than me. The things I’ve done . . . the compromises I’ve made.”

  She shook her head, in a slow movement that showed her pain. “Don’t do this.”

  “I can’t see anything in front of me.” That was the soul-sucking truth. He was a man without any real future. If he stayed in, he’d die. If he got out, he’d be useless.

  His past would always haunt him and there were people who might track him down. Forget the threats of disclosure by Benton. He’d spent a lifetime in the intelligence field and you didn’t do that without making enemies. Serious enemies. The kind who would use her to get to him.

  It all snowballed in his mind. The pieces wrapped together into one gigantic problem he didn’t have the will or the strength to solve.

  “I will wait and be here for you, but you have to tell me there’s hope.” She lifted her arms, then let them fall again.

  She looked so beautiful standing there. So fresh and clean of all the filth in his life. “That’s the point, Sutton. I’m all out of hope.”

  “You need time.” She visibly swallowed as she shifted her weight from foot to foot. “Everything just happened. It’s been this vicious roller coaster, and it started long before I got here. I can’t imagine what goes on in your head.”

  The last place he wanted her was in there. She’d see the darkness and the anger, all the guilt and the doubts. She’d run screaming from him, just like she should. “I don’t want to think.”

  She held out a hand to him. “Come away with me. The mission is over and Tasha said you could leave after some sort of review.”

  Temptation loomed right in front of him. He wanted to walk away with her and pretend. Put this behind him and act like none of it mattered. To go somewhere and be normal, whatever that was.

  But he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t yank her down into the unknown with him. “I can’t even stand to be with myself.”

  She drew in a deep inhale. “Would it matter if I told you I think I love you?”

  He put a hand over the stabbing in his chest. “God, please don’t.”

  That fast she looked away, but not before he saw the hurt in her eyes. He stood up, meaning to go to her and say something, he didn’t know what. “Sutton.”

  She waved him off as she stepped back, moved closer to the door. Wrapped her hand around the knob in a grip that turned her knuckles white. “I’ve fought for my mother. I’ve sacrificed so much. Now I want peace.”

  That sounded so good, but he shook his head. “I can’t give you that.”

  “You can, but you need space and time to figure that out.”

  He couldn’t let her hope. “Don’t . . . death follows me. You need to get out now.”

  She stood there for a few seconds, not moving. Then she nodded. “Just remember you’re the one who told me to leave.”

  Then she was gone.
/>
  An hour later Josiah walked around the barn. The place where they’d nursed Frederick back to life, then killed him. That could be the story of his career. Give people hope, then kill them. Made him a hell of a human being.

  He heard footsteps. Heavy thumps that didn’t belong to Sutton. Relief washed through him, and that added to his guilt. He just couldn’t take another emotional showdown; he was already reeling from the last one.

  Seeing her leave that room shredded him. Tore something away from him, a sort of protective shield that saved him when his father threw him out. She got in. She got close. And when she mentioned love everything inside him shriveled because he wanted it so much.

  Mike came up to stand next to him. Joined him in staring at the barn. They didn’t talk for a few minutes. Let the breeze blow through and the sound of the high grasses whoosh around them.

  “I should have taken the shot.” Mike continued to look at his boots.

  The comment didn’t really compute in Josiah’s mind. He figured every conversation would be like that for a while. “What?”

  “I was about to when you fired on Harlan.” Mike looked up then with a stark look in his eyes. “I hesitated. You didn’t.”

  He couldn’t talk about this. Not with her and not with Mike. “It doesn’t matter.”

  “Yes, it does.”

  Looked like he had to come right out and say it. “I don’t really want to talk about this now. Maybe ever.”

  Mike shifted and leaned his back against the side of the barn. Faced Josiah head-on. “Too busy feeling sorry for yourself?”

  Now that comment he understood. It shot through Josiah, hitting him in exactly the wrong spot. “Excuse me?”

  “Save the polite British bullshit for someone else.” Mike’s gaze traveled up and down. “You’re a fucking mess. I get that. We all are.”

  “I’m fine.” Josiah almost laughed because that might be the biggest lie he’d ever told. He lived in a world that lacked truth and ran his entire life pretending to be someone else, but that one was the worst.

  “Sure. You watched your uncle, who sounds like he was more of a father than that shit of a dad you got handed, get blown to pieces. You killed Harlan.” Mike shrugged. “Who wouldn’t be fine after that?”

  “Shut the fuck up.”

  Mike threw up his hands. “Hell, you gave me the order to take out Frederick in cold blood.”

  Josiah felt something now. Heated anger and more frustration than he could handle. He liked Mike, trusted him and depended on him, but this came close to the one step too far. “What the hell is your point?”

  “We do things, Josiah.” Mile stood up and came closer. “Shitty things but for the right reasons. We do good, though I know it doesn’t always feel that way. The Alliance, unlike anything else I’ve ever been involved in, makes a difference.”

  “I used to think so.” That wasn’t fair. If Josiah were being honest he’d admit he knew all that. The real question was whether it was enough. Right now it didn’t feel like it was. Not to keep him going on this path.

  “Without you, without this team, innocent people would die.”

  “I don’t need a pep talk.” Mostly he didn’t want one because he might start to believe it and, yeah, maybe Mike was right. He needed to wallow. He’d been stuck in this cycle where he talked himself into believing. He didn’t want to do that again.

  “You need a kick in the ass.” Mike looked half ready to hand one out. “People can go on with their lives, never knowing the danger passing right in front of them. You give them that. And pay a steep price, but that’s the job. That’s what we signed up for.”

  Every word made sense but that didn’t wash the blood off their hands. “What if I want out?”

  “You want to crawl into the woods and lick your wounds.” Mike smiled and gave a little wink. “That’s an animal reference, London boy.”

  Josiah laughed because he couldn’t help it. Mike did that to him. “I got that. Yeah.”

  “You want to feel sorry for yourself. Honestly, you’ve earned the right. This one sucked. I can’t even think about Harlan and how that ended without wanting to kill someone. But you were successful.” He pointed in the direction of the farmhouse. “And you have a woman in there who will heal you if you let her.”

  “She deserves—”

  Mike groaned. “Stop that shit. There is no one better than you. I know because I’ve fought beside you.”

  “A teammate is different from—”

  “—the man who loves her?” Mike’s eyes widened and his voice filled with amusement. “If I can admit I’m hung up on a hot professor, you can admit what we both already know.”

  Mike’s honesty egged Josiah on. “Enlighten me.”

  “It wasn’t adrenaline or circumstance. What you feel for her was meant to be.”

  Josiah couldn’t help but wince at that one. “When did you get so romantic?”

  “Probably had something to do with seeing you sweep her off a balcony.”

  The memory came rushing back. He hadn’t even thought it through. If he’d taken five seconds to think about her hanging off that railing he would have deemed it too risky and figured out something else. Though he didn’t know what. “I impressed myself with that one.”

  “You want to take time and find your humanity again. I’m all for that.” Mike clapped his hands together. “I want you healthy and focused the next time you have my back, but hiding isn’t the answer.”

  “Not my style.” And that was the truth. Josiah didn’t sit around and stew. Hell, he rarely sat around.

  “Then why are you trying to do it?” Mike leaned in with his hand behind his ear. He was in full dramatic mode today. “That’s right. You are.”

  As far as pep talks went, that was a good one. The need to shove Mike took away some of the emptiness. Amazing how punching and shooting made him feel better. And Josiah kept thinking about Sutton getting on a plane and flying away. Seeing her go and knowing that was it.

  He’d never thought about commitments or serious girlfriends in his life. Other members of the team made it work. He admired the skill but thought it would be exhausting to keep trying. But then it hit him. It wasn’t hard with Sutton. All the pieces fell into place right from the start. Even when he doubted her, he couldn’t let her go. With her he could be who he was, share parts of his past. She didn’t judge. She didn’t just fall in line either, which he found so hot. The whole standing-up-to-him thing totally made him hot for her.

  Mike burst out laughing. “You should see your face.”

  “I’m thinking.” But Josiah could imagine. He’d been looking in the mirror at a man in love for days and didn’t realize it, dumbass that he was.

  “The hell with that.” Mike snorted. “Go get your woman before I give you that ass kicking you’re begging for.”

  That sounded efficient but Josiah knew his brain wouldn’t reboot on command. Not this time. “I need time.”

  “Do it fast because Tasha arranged for a private plane to take Sutton stateside to a hospital and get checked out then debriefed.” Mike glanced at his watch. “I’m driving her to a hangar in an hour.”

  “What the hell is Tasha thinking?” That might be protocol, but come on.

  “I think she wants you to man up and make a decision, too.” Mike smiled. “We all do because watching you is pathetic.”

  All of a sudden everyone cared about his private life. Wasn’t that just fucking fabulous. “The people on this team should mind their own business.”

  “That’s what’ve been saying.” Mike winked and started to walk away. “Get to your thinking.”

  “That comment doesn’t even make sense.”

  Mike held up and hand and gave him the finger, but never stopped walking. “I can’t stall her forever, London boy.”

  27

  SUTTON COULD barely see the duffel bag on the edge of the plane seat. Not a regular seat. This was more of a couch, all plush and leather. She
intended to use it as a bed as soon as they got up in the air. Between the delays getting to the hangar and the additional delays now, they were way behind schedule. They had to fly soon, except the quiet suggested otherwise.

  The pilot and another man got off the plane to talk with Mike fifteen minutes ago and never re-boarded. She peeked out the window and couldn’t see any of them. Figured. She wanted to escape and the men decided this was the perfect time to stand around and chat.

  She’d been through an emotional hurricane. Every emotion whipped up around her. She’d muscled her way through fear and frustration, terror and sadness. She’d been dealing with the anger over the true cause of her mother’s death for some time. Her hatred for Benton and men like him would linger even longer.

  But all of that paled in comparison to the heartbreak. It was silly and stupid. Rational people didn’t fall in love in a week, certainly not when the courtship started out with a kidnapping. She wanted to blame the adrenaline. Maybe once she got away from him and the team, this would all fade into a bad memory and she could move on.

  She rubbed the ache in her chest. The damn thing would not go away. It lingered at first but now four long hours had passed since the blow-up and her pain only grew. This is why she wanted to be off the ground and gone by now.

  But being in the air wouldn’t fix anything. When she told Josiah she loved him and he basically begged her not to, the knot formed deep inside her. Now it kept tightening. She guessed it would strangle her by the time she landed in Baltimore.

  “What are you doing?”

  At the sound of Josiah’s booming voice, she looked up. He stood in the entrance, ducked down to avoid banging his head as he stepped inside. Seeing him switched off her thoughts. She went blank. “What?”

  He stepped inside. His long legs brought him down the short aisle until he stood in front of her, pointing at the bag. “That.”

  His cluelessness touched off her anger. “What the hell does it look like? I have a bag and am on a plane.”

  He leaned in and squinted. “That’s one of Mike’s, I think.”

  She clapped. Thought that was appropriate since he’d finally gotten something right after getting them so wrong. “There you go, genius. Maybe you can work for Ellery from now on.”