Facing Fire

by HelenKay Dimon

  “Wow.”

  She knew her bitchiness hit full power, but he had ripped her apart and now he stood there talking about nothing. “You need to leave. We were supposed to take off something like two hours ago.”

  She sat down and pretended to stare out the window. Really, she couldn’t see anything. Her vision still blurred and her heart roared in pain just from seeing him. He looked wind-tossed. Had a bit of color on his face, as if he’d been hanging around in the sun. Must be nice to be able to move on and not care.

  “Mike’s gone.”

  For some reason that made her heart clench even harder. It was as if everything that happened got erased and forgotten, including her. “I’m sure he has work to do.”

  “I told him to get out of here.” Josiah bent over and pointed at a car in the distance, leaving the private hangar. “And take the pilot and crew with him.”

  She heard the amusement in Josiah’s voice and turned back around to face him. He actually smiled. The simpleton had the nerve to stand there and smile at her after giving her the brush-off and delivering that news. She had to clamp her back teeth together to keep from yelling . . . Actually, why bother.

  “You are impossible.” That was so much nicer than everything she wanted to say but she tried to remember there were other people in the house. Some of them actually liked him.

  He stood with his hands behind his back and nodded. “I know.”

  That threw her for a second. Whenever he agreed she got nervous and that was fast. “I thought you needed time and space.”

  “I do.”

  There it was. Back to the nonsense.

  “Then go find them.” She waved him away and turned back to the bag. She grabbed it by the handles, unsure where she planned to take or how she could get anywhere. Finally she just scooped out the small wallet Ellery gave her, the one filled with cash and identification and left the rest. It’s not as if any of the clothes belonged to her anyway. Tasha found them or bought them. The woman worked magic. Hell, she probably made the clothes.

  The plan was to find some sort of travel agent or get to a bigger airport then she could—

  Josiah’s voice stopped her. “You are on a roll.”

  She glared at him over her shoulder. “Excuse me?”

  When he stepped closer she turned around. Something about having her back to him made her twitchy. She had no idea what was going on. He’d been a mess just a few hours ago. Now he looked bright-eyed and ready to do battle.

  Actually . . . she took a closer peek. He didn’t look so great. He kind of looked like she felt, turned inside out and raw. His face was drawn and his smile forced. Those eyes, all sad with circles, made it seem like he hadn’t had a good night’s sleep in months. And that might be right. She knew from sleeping next to him that he only snuck in a few hours at a time.

  Maybe he hadn’t bounced back like she thought. The idea gave her hope. Not because she wanted him to suffer, though a small part of her did, but because he needed to work through all the pain. It wasn’t normal to fight like that and get up and go at it again and again without a break. Never mind the man had a concussion.

  He pointed at the seat she just left. “Sit.”

  Like that her goodwill and worry vanished. “Go to hell.”

  He stared at the ceiling and exhaled. “Please sit.”

  Better, but she wasn’t ready to do anything he asked just yet. He had wiped her out. She tried to comfort him and he unloaded. She’d happily take on that burden if it relieved him of some of his, but he seemed determined to blow them up. Crash his career, wreck his life, and ruin them. She could take a lot but that was too much.

  She glanced at the duffel bag then back at him again. “Why are we doing this?”

  “I want to talk with you.”

  Yeah, they’d done that and it was awful. She’d be nursing those emotional scars for a long time. “Are you going to admit to being an ass?”

  He nodded. “Basically.”

  She officially had no idea what was going on. “This feels like a trick, but I’ll sit.”

  Standing became impossible anyway. Her legs wobbled and her heart hurt. She felt battered and broken and right at the edge of breaking down. She didn’t want to become that woman. The one who cried and tried to guilt him into staying. She’d learned so much over the last week, some of it terrifying, but some pretty great. She truly was a survivor. Imperfect, with a serious fear of heights, but worthy.

  Her mind raced and all he did was stand there. He continued to look at her. The longer he did, the more he frowned. She knew then this wasn’t going to be good. But after all he’d already said, she couldn’t imagine what sore he intended to find and press down on.

  He finally shook his head. “You’re not leaving yet.”

  There was no way she could hang around here and pack up and pretend everything was fine and act like she wasn’t crumbing into pieces on the inside. No one was that good of an actress. “Why?”

  “I canceled this flight. I’ll cancel the next one you book and the one after that.” He rocked back on his heels.

  She thought about shoving him over. “Have you lost your mind?”

  This time he laughed. “Most definitely.”

  Maybe he was as far gone as he’d said. Part of her thought he gave the whole speech as some big kiss-off. That the devastation gave him some cover. Now she sensed she owed him an apology . . . not that she planned to give him one.

  “Okay, now you’re starting to scare me.” She got up and gestured for him to her spot. “I think you should sit down and—”

  “I love you.”

  The words just hung there in the small, quiet plane. He didn’t laugh afterward or smile. Just used a firm, clear voice and spilled it out like that.

  “What?” She squealed the word. Said it loud enough to shake the walls.

  “You sound horrified.” He rubbed his chin. “Not exactly the reaction I’d hoped for.”

  He sounded so British right then but she didn’t let the sexy accent derail her. Didn’t let that hope bubbling up inside her continue either. She tamped down on all of it. “You gave me this big speech about needing to wander off to the desert.”

  He frowned at her. “I’m pretty sure I never said that.”

  “You made it clear you were leaving me.” That’s the part she heard. That’s what walloped her and left her unable to breathe.

  “I did.”

  He needed to stop agreeing with her. “Then what are you talking about now?”

  “I love you.” He said it stronger that time. Added a shy smile. Didn’t fidget or rub his hands together.

  Her brain went blank. “Stop saying that.”

  “I plan on saying it a lot.” He skimmed his palms up and down her arms. “Wake you up saying it. Go to sleep saying it.” Pulled her in a little closer until his mouth hovered over hers. “You should get used to hearing it.”

  Her brain cells misfired as light started to dance inside her. “What’s happening right now?”

  “Really, I mean it. This time please sit.” He guided her back to the cushions. She dropped down, sure she would fall through some hole and disappear. None of this made sense. None of it matched with their conversation hours ago.

  The hunt for Benton was over. Tasha had confirmed they found the body and he was dead. No one looked at her like she was one of the bad guys. So she couldn’t figure out what trick he was playing and why. Didn’t he know the words both cut her and gave her hope?

  “Sutton, all those things I said about being confused and exhausted and needing a break. Those were all true.” He sat down next to her with her hand in his. “I feel like someone ripped me apart and there’s no way to glue me back together again.”

  She understood. She’d been walking around in the same state since he left the bedroom. Even though he caused her pain, her empathy won out. He was allowed to leave her, to not love her. She kept reminding herself of those facts.

  But righ
t now he needed comfort and she needed a few minutes with him. Despite what he said, the last minutes together, probably, but still. She put a hand on his leg. Light and just for a second, but she’d needed to touch him. Now she regretted it. Being this close, with him right beside her, all the shields came down. She didn’t have any protection against him or how he made her feel.

  “I don’t . . .” Nothing else came to her. The words got lodged and stuck and wouldn’t break free.

  “I do love you. It happened fast, but that doesn’t make the feelings any less real.”

  “Are you sure?” Because he looked ten seconds away from heaving. She might have felt worse for him if he hadn’t shredded her insides with his big speech about needing alone time.

  He visibly swallowed. “I knew that when I said all those things to you. Maybe that’s part of the reason I did. So much loss and now with my feelings for you, the idea I could lose something even bigger . . .” He shook his head. “It’s a lot to accept.”

  The words brushed over her like a caress. She shook her head to fight them off. This was like a dream, something she wanted to be true but wasn’t.

  He squeezed her hand. “Listen to me. Look at me.”

  She saw something. This spark of life inside him that had been gone before. Hope flickered inside her. Instead of blowing it out, she tried to understand what he was saying. Force her brain to reboot and catch up. “But you said—”

  “When I said you were right before, I meant it but I missed the bigger part of what was happening to me. That I’m better when I’m with you. You take the sting away and give me a new focus. One that’s about life and sunshine, not death and gunfire.” He smoothed her fingers with his. “I can’t promise that I can put my life back together, but I at least want to try. With you.”

  “You love me.” She said the words, then repeated them in her head. Let them sink in.

  He laughed. “Yes, baby. I do.”

  The warmth of his smile stole some of the darkness. “Say it again.”

  He leaned in and kissed her. Let his mouth linger over hers. “I love you.”

  The words erased the pain. That quick, the doubts died and the dreams flourished again. He wasn’t promising her perfect, which was good because she wasn’t that. He was giving them a chance. That’s all she ever wanted. A way to see if this, what had grown between them, could live outside the adrenaline rush.

  She kissed his cheek and rested her forehead there. Just hearing him want to move on filled her with hope. Touching him tilted her world right again.

  “You do these things. Important things.” She lifted her head and let her gaze search that sexy face. “You amaze me.”

  “I don’t scare you?” He rubbed his thumb over her bottom lip. “Maybe a little?”

  At the beginning but not since. She’d seen him in terrible circumstances and he’d acted with dignity. He talked about his humanity but he’d never lost it. She saw hints of it every day. He didn’t advertise it or make a big deal, but he was a good man. And she would spend a lifetime convincing him of that, if needed. “I worry for you. That’s different.”

  “I didn’t blink when it came to killing Benton.” He glanced down at their joined hands. “I need you to know that.”

  If that were the test for humanity she’d fail, too. She’d wanted to shove him over the side, fill him full of bullets. Her rage and her anger swamped her when it came to Benton. Even now, when he was dead, she continued to hate. That made her human, not the opposite.

  She smiled and it felt so good. “Haven’t you heard there’s evil in this world?”

  He returned the smile. Added a bit of smoldering hotness to his. “I read that somewhere.”

  She looked around the small space before glancing up at him. “But not in here.”

  “No, not in here.” His hand slid up her thigh.

  “We are on a plane, you know?”

  “Alone.” He stretched the word out for several syllables. “Think of it as a beginner’s version of the Mile-High Club.”

  Her breath bobbled. With the sadness gone, her mind moved on to other things. The things he could do with his hands and that sexy mouth. “So now what?”

  “We figure out if we can recover, if I can. In the meantime, we start the rest.” He started to lean back, drawing her on top of him as he spread out on the makeshift couch.

  Her leg slipped through his and she moved her knee higher. “Subtle.”

  “Wait until you see me naked.”

  She climbed on top of him. “Forget about this being a plane, let’s do that now.”

  28

  THE NEXT morning Josiah could not stop smiling. After a few hours of seeing how hard they could make a parked plane shake, they’d headed back to the farmhouse. Josiah did not let that soft mattress go to waste either.

  All his problems and doubts waited for him, just out of reach, and he’d get to them. But for now he decided to engage in some Sutton healing. Let her ease some of the pain away. Talk with her, listen to her.

  Mike threw a rolled-up napkin at Josiah’s head. “You’re fucking annoying.”

  Leave it to Mike to bring reality crashing in. Even that couldn’t spoil Josiah’s good mood. A night rolling around in the sheets with Sutton? Perfection. “You’re jealous.”

  “Hell, yeah!”

  “It’s not my fault Drew is back in DC. At least he’s home now and you’ve talked with him.” Josiah missed the conversation but he watched from the window as Mike paced back and forth, talking on the phone.

  Mike winced. “Do you have any idea how much scrambling I’m going to have to do to fix this?”

  “You’re going to tell him the truth, right?” After the big speech outside that helped Josiah see his way through the emotional clutter, and the way Mike now dropped small bits of information about his personal life, Josiah assumed Mike was ready to move forward.

  Frankly, he was relieved for Mike. The whole hidden-personal-life thing Mike had done from the beginning had begun to wear thin. It put him at risk, put Drew at risk. Now it was all in the open.

  Mike gave him a blank stare. “About?”

  Sometimes Josiah thought Mike liked being difficult. “The Alliance. What’s really going on in your life? Those sorts of things.”

  “No.” He followed the curt response by taking a sip of coffee.

  Not the answer Josiah expected at all. “Really?”

  Mike made a face. Looked like he debated just getting up and storming out. Wouldn’t be the first time. He didn’t talk about emotions all that well. None of them did.

  He finally piped up. “When I leave a job I go home to him.”

  Josiah wasn’t sure what the travel and living arrangements had to do with anything, but okay. “I get that.”

  He laughed. “No, you don’t.”

  Josiah didn’t see the big deal. “Explain it.”

  “I walk away from this. I put down the gun . . . well, metaphorically, since I actually have a weapon on me at all times.” Mike waved the words away and kept talking. “My point is I’m not a killer when I’m with him. I don’t have to scale buildings or defuse bombs. I can be Drew’s boyfriend.”

  Josiah tried to imagine that. The Mike he knew was always on. The idea of him going on dates and making dinner, sitting around watching a movie, didn’t fit with anything else he knew about the guy. The idea of two different lives intrigued him. “How do you turn the killing gene off?”

  “Practice.”

  Josiah guessed there was some joke in there about how he kept a huge part of who he was a secret from the Alliance for so long. Josiah didn’t want to get into that now. As his boss, they’d have to talk about it and deal with it. Not today. Not even this month.

  But Josiah still couldn’t fight the feeling that he was missing something. “I’m serious.”

  “So am I. I compartmentalize the pieces of my life to keep Drew away from the shit.”

  That sounded so easy. Josiah tried to think of a
world where he could go back and keep his relationship with Sutton clean, not clue her in and play at being normal, if it would work. As soon as the idea came into his head he discarded it. He didn’t want to close her out of pieces of his life. He wanted them both all in, all the time.

  Part of him wondered if Mike really wanted that, too. “What if he needs to know?”

  Mike shrugged. “Then I’ll tell him.”

  Then the truth hit him. “You think he’ll leave you. Mike, you can’t think—”

  He emptied his coffee cup. “I’m not taking that chance.”

  Suddenly his friend’s life and choices made sense. Josiah could see why Mike picked the road he did. But Josiah didn’t have to. Sutton knew and accepted the job and the life. He didn’t have to play games and worry that if she saw the wrong thing she’d go. She’d seen the worst and didn’t blink. That was the kind of luck he didn’t intend to take for granted.

  Tasha walked in and threw her car keys on the table. “I put Ellery on a plane to go and watch over Lucas.”

  “He’ll love that.” Josiah tried to imagine that reunion. They both acted as if they didn’t care, but the looks . . . Damn, they were so obvious it actually hurt to see them together. All that pretending not to notice each other. It was exhausting.

  “He will. It’s my recuperation gift to him.” She looked around. “Where’s Sutton?”

  “Sleeping.”

  “Rub it in,” Mike mumbled as he got up and threw his mug in the sink.

  “That’s enough sex talk.” Tasha’s voice had turned serious.

  Josiah didn’t want to hear bad news or talk about a job, so he performed a fast forward. Let her know he was done with business for a short time. “When do we leave?”

  “Tomorrow.” She leaned back in her chair and stretched her legs out in front of her. “I need to plan Harlan’s service. You’re both going and speaking, so don’t try to—”

  “Fine,” Mike said with a nod.

  “Absolutely,” Josiah said. Being there, standing up for the guy and making sure people knew his life counted was not a question. It would be rough and heart shredding but Harlan deserved at least that much. “Sounds good.”