by S. M. Shade
“I’m afraid it’s going to get worse before it gets better,” Julie warns. “Your fever is down, and that’s a good sign. The antibiotics are working, but we need to get your lungs cleared up. I’m giving you an expectorant, and you’ll get breathing treatments every six hours to help break it up and open your airway. After I reinsert your IV, and you complete your first breathing treatment, I’ll give you something for the pain.
“No IV, no needles,” he repeats, but Julie ignores him and prepares his treatments.
Doing her best to keep her composure, Abby takes his hand. “You have to do what Julie tells you, Air. I thought you were dead, and I can’t lose you twice.”
Airen’s hand reaches to gently stroke her cheek. “I’m so sorry, darlin’.” The look on Abby’s wet face is devastating. Despair wrapped in guilt, and cloaked by anger.
“Don’t be sorry. Just do what you have to do to get well.”
Julie takes his arm, but as soon as he sees the needle, he jerks, and snatches it back. His eyes are wide and frightened. “No!” he barks, coughing and wincing at the pain that shoots through his chest.
Abby’s hand smoothes the hair from his forehead. “Air, I know you have a fear of needles, but you have to. You’ll die.”
“No…can’t.” He coughs, fighting for air while he struggles to sit up. Julie nods at me, her silent message clear in her expression. This has to be done before he gets himself too worked up and passes out from a lack of oxygen. Julie holds his wrist against the bed, his arm outstretched, while Abby lies on his shoulder, effectively blocking his view and immobilizing his arm.
I grasp his other hand and throw my leg across both of his, pinning them under the blanket. On a good day, there’s no way I could hold him, but he’s so thin and weak. He can’t move. He and Abby are face to face as she tries to calm him. He’s hysterical. His eyes dart back and forth, pupils dilated with fear, like a terrified animal caught in a trap.
“Stop! Stop! Please!” He panics.
“Shh, it’ll be over in a second and you’ll be fine. I promise,” Abby croons. She strokes his hair and runs her fingers down his stubbly cheek.
“Joseph!” He turns toward me with a look so desperate it sends a bolt of pain through my chest. “Goddamn it! Don’t let her,” he begs. I’m horrified at the intensity of his phobia. I had no idea.
“We’re right here with you, honey. You’re almost done.” His grip on my hand tightens and his head whips back to Abby.
“Please, Abby,” he moans. “Please don’t do this to me.” His face is drenched with sweat and tears. I’m awed at her ability to hold her composure and stick to her guns in the face of his pleas. She’s so strong, and Airen needs her strength right now. His terror and panic are like a demon possessing his body, forcing him to show us a side of himself we’ve never seen. Begging and crying, shaking and pleading, his hurt and vulnerability wounds me to my core. Abby continues to talk soothingly, telling him about Lane’s first tooth, trying to distract him. The prick of the needle has him crushing my hand like a vise.
“You’re okay. Just breathe, buddy,” I tell him, as his whole body clenches.
“I’m finished, Airen,” Julie says kindly. “I’m going to wrap your arm so you can’t see the tube. It’s just a bandage. Leave it alone. If you pull it out, you’ll end up tied to this bed until you’re better.”
“We’re going to let you go, Air. Please don’t pull it out and make us do this again,” Abby says. Overwrought and embarrassed, he buries his face in her neck. This is Airen, the man who does his damndest to hide his feelings, to show only that cocky confident façade he uses to protect himself. After all we have been through, I’ve never even seen him cry until today. Breaking down in front of us like this has to be one of his worst fears, and my heart breaks for him.
“Sorry…I’m sorry.” He shudders, holding tight to his wife.
“Shh, baby, it’s okay.” She holds him and they look so broken, her drawn face contorted with unfathomable emotion, his raw with pain and shame. I’d do anything…give anything at this moment to stop their suffering.
I shift to free his legs and sit beside him, wrapping my arms around them both. Abby caresses my back while Airen finds my hand again and squeezes gently, his head resting on Abby’s shoulder. Julie looks on with tears in her eyes while we cling to each other like survivors of some horrific tragedy.
“I’ll be back in a few minutes to administer a breathing treatment,” she states gruffly, before leaving us alone. Abby straightens his pillows and he settles back into bed.
“I freaked out.” Airen sniffs, avoiding our eyes.
“You’ve been through hell, Airen. You’re allowed to lose it,” I reply. “Besides, I’m no fan of needles myself.” I don’t actually mind needles, but I’ll say anything at this point to take that look from his face. He scoffs, staring at the cloth wrapped around his arm. “Don’t look at it,” I advise.
“I know it’s stupid. I can’t explain it,” he mumbles.
“It’s a phobia, Airen. It defies explanation. It’s out of your control.”
Abby pulls the blanket over his chest. “We all have something that terrifies us. How many times have I had you come and kill a tiny spider for me? If someone held me down and put a spider on my arm, the thing I fear most in the world, I’d react the same way,” she declares, glancing at me pointedly.
“I don’t like birds,” I admit reluctantly. “Just the thought of one close to me, flapping in my face…brugh.” I shudder, and a small grin finally appears on his face.
“Is that why you won’t keep chickens?” he asks. I nod and place the oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
“Julie’s coming back to give you a breathing treatment. No needles to worry about, but you better cooperate,” Abby warns.
“I will, I’ve had them before, as a child. It’s not bad.”
“You’re going to do whatever Julie tells you to do to get well.”
“Yes dear,” he whispers, with a little smirk.
A sweet smile lights up her face. “I love you.”
“I love you, too, darlin’.”
The treatments are hard on him, however, because it causes him to cough, which is excruciating. Finally, after an hour of coughing up a substance far too disgusting to describe, he falls asleep, helped along by the pain killer Julie put in his IV.
“He’ll probably be out for the night, Joseph, if you want to go home with Walker and Troy,” Abby offers.
“I’m not leaving him…or you.” We lie on either side of him, gazing at one another silently, both filled with churning emotions we can’t articulate. She loves him. I love him. We love each other. It seems there can be too much of a good thing.
“What are we going to do?” she whispers. It’s more an outpouring of despair and hopelessness than a real question.
“Let’s just get him well.” I slide my hand into hers, entwining our fingers as they rest on Airen’s hip. She nods and we drift off to sleep. When the morning sunshine rouses me, I’m greeted by Troy’s troubled brown eyes. It takes a moment for me to realize the cause of his pained expression.
Airen lies wrapped in my arms, his head on my shoulder, our legs tangled. Fuck. I’m busted. It takes a few seconds for me to extricate myself without waking him or Abby. “He had a rough night,” I mumble.
Troy nods and bites his lip. “I just wanted to check on him and bring you a change of clothes,” he explains, his voice flat.
“Troy,” I murmur, hesitantly.
“It’s okay. Don’t worry about it. Is he getting any better?”
“Julie seems to think so, but it’s slow going.”
His expression is impassive. “I’ll take care of Walker. Just do what you need to do.”
“Troy, I’m sorry, really. We were up half the night and…”
“Stop,” he interjects, holding up his palm. “I’m not jealous of Airen. He’s your friend and he’s sick. It’s okay.”
My guilt thic
kens when I hug him and feel his body instantly stiffen. We’ve come so far, but I’ve lost his trust. He kisses my cheek quickly and assures me again that everything is fine.
I guess we’re both liars.
Chapter Ten
Abby
It’s been the longest week of my life. All week I’ve watched him suffer. Worse, I’ve watched him reach out to me and Joseph as he never has before, turning to us for comfort and support. We have held him while he cried, and tried to soothe him through his pain and misery, all the while knowing how I betrayed him. How we betrayed him.
I’ve done my best to appear upbeat and happy, as has Joseph, but I’m afraid he can sense something is wrong. I’m so relieved and overjoyed to have him home. I’ve spent hours watching him sleep, staring at that beautiful face I thought I’d never see again, listening to him breathe beside me. I have to put my hands on him, feel the warmth of his body, the rise and fall of his chest while he breathes to reassure myself that yes, he’s here. Yes, he’s alive. No matter what happens now, Airen is alive.
I’m attacked by every emotion imaginable. Relief, gratitude, and joy at the living miracle sleeping beside me clashes with regret, fear, and shame for the terrible pain I’m going to inflict on him, when he’s had more than any one man should have to endure. Every time I close my eyes I’m haunted by the image of his face when he finds out his wife cheated on him with his best friend, when his only thought was coming home to the people he loves. People he thought he could trust.
My main priority now is just to get him well, see him through his sickness, and get him back on his feet again. So he can walk away from me. He’s feeling better, eating, drinking, and bitching about the IV and being confined to bed.
“If we remove the drip, you’ll have to get shots of penicillin for the next week,” Julie warns.
Frowning, he grumbles, “I’ll keep the IV.”
“Eat, drink, and rest. You need time to regain your strength, Airen, it isn’t going to happen overnight,” she lectures before heading home with Lane and Jayla.
He may not be happy, but he’s beginning to look better, not quite so pale and hollow eyed. He’s so skinny it breaks my heart to look at him and imagine how he and Eric must have suffered. Despite my best effort, dismay shows on my face when I help him bathe. He’s nothing but skin and bones, his ribs and spine so prominent, those hard muscles withered and shriveled. While he was starving, freezing, and fighting to survive, I was sleeping with his best friend in our warm bed.
“Hey, sweetheart, don’t look so sad,” he pleads as I bring the warm washcloth to his neck. His face is stricken. “I know it’s not pretty, but I’m okay.”
“I’m sorry. You’re beautiful as ever, Airen.”
“What did I tell you about calling me beautiful?” He grins.
“Fine. You’re sexy as fuck, and I can’t wait to ride you like a pogo stick.”
His lips curve up in a sexy little half smile. “Say that without tears in your eyes and you have a deal.”
Not once you find out I’m a backstabbing slut. You’ll never touch me again. “I just can’t bear to think of what you must’ve gone through.”
“Nothing was as bad as being separated from you, darlin’. Your name was on my lips every morning when I woke. I couldn’t breathe without you.” He takes my chin in his hand and kisses me gently. God, could he shred my heart any worse? There should be scraps littering the floor.
I swallow the ever present lump in my throat and force a grin. “Apparently, you don’t eat without me either.”
“Stop. I’m home, and under Julie’s thumb. You two will have me fattened up soon enough. Maybe I should drink some of your breast milk. It seems to have worked for Lane.” Lane is a chubby little thing. Airen’s eyes lit up in delight at the sight of him, and he instantly dubbed him “Pudgy”.
“I have plenty in the fridge,” I offer, smiling.
“I’d prefer it from the source.” He smirks. God, I missed that smart assed smirk.
“Behave,” I admonish. “You’re sick.”
Joseph arrives with a stack of movies and a bag of candy. He’s been returning home during the day since Airen is essentially out of the woods, but he spends the nights with us. I know Airen is grateful for the company when his cough keeps him up until the early morning hours, but I hate to think of how Troy must feel. Ironically, he worries over Airen and Joseph together when I’m the one who slept with his boyfriend. Troy. Another person hurt by my heartless, selfish actions. Joseph and I have focused on Airen’s recovery and avoided talking about what happened. We both act as if everything is normal, but I know he’s feeling the same guilt and remorse.
After dinner, Airen and Joseph settle on the bed to watch a movie while I curl up against Airen’s side to sleep. Their voices wake me a few hours later.
“Hold still,” Joseph murmurs. They’re seated facing one another, a pan of water and a can of shaving cream between them. Airen stills as Joseph painstakingly drags a razor over his cheek, leaving behind a smooth strip of pale skin. Pausing to rinse the blade, he repeats his actions again. Airen’s eyes close momentarily before locking onto Joseph’s.
Molten black beholds glittering feverish green, exposing years of carefully veiled desire. All the world stands still as they regard one another, their mutual hunger laid bare, reflected between them time and again, infinitely. Airen’s hand rises slowly to cup Joseph’s jaw. He turns into it, nuzzling and kissing Airen’s palm, before gently removing it from his cheek and returning it to the bed.
“I’m sorry,” Joseph chokes, overcome with anguish and regret.
“It’s okay,” Airen whispers. Joseph breaks the smoldering gaze between them, tilting Airen’s chin gently to continue shaving his neck.
My face burns at witnessing such an intimate moment between them. Joseph’s pain resonates within me. He’s loved Airen for so long, and to reject his advance must have shattered his heart to pieces. He lost his chance. All because of me. Because of what we did. He can’t let Airen touch him or care for him knowing he betrayed him by sleeping with his wife.
I don’t want to think about it anymore. Burrowing deep beneath the covers, I feign sleep until exhaustion finally has mercy and grants me the real thing.
“It’s okay,” Airen murmurs soothingly. My eyes open to gaze upon a heartbreaking scene. Joseph’s face is wet with tears. Airen’s hand rests on the back of his head, pressing their foreheads together while Joseph’s guilt pours from his lips.
“We thought you were dead. I thought we’d lost you forever.”
“I’m here. I’m so sorry. We tried so hard to get back.”
“Airen…”
“Shh, I know, Joey. It doesn’t matter.”
“You don’t understand,” Joseph moans, his face twisted in despair.
“I think I do. It’s written all over your face, and Abby’s as well.”
“Oh God, Airen. I’m so sorry,” he sobs. “She was hurt and lonely, overcome with grief from losing you, and I took advantage. I…slept with your wife.”
A band tightens around my ribs, pushing my heart into my throat and stealing my breath. My chest heaves as I suppress a sob, and try desperately not to call attention to the fact that I’m awake. He knows. Nothing will ever be the same.
“Shh.” Airen comforts him, fingers stroking the damp curls along his neck. “Listen to me. You cared for Abby while I was gone, and when it seemed hopeless, you took my place. You did exactly what I asked you to do. I didn’t want her to be alone. She’s been alone her whole life. I never want her to be without someone who loves her.” He tugs Joseph’s head up until they’re eye to eye. “You didn’t take advantage of her. You love her.”
Joseph sighs, his face a mask of misery and pain. “She’s your wife…your family.”
“And you took care of her and Lane as if they were your own. I’ll always be grateful for that.” His hands cup Joseph’s tear streaked face. “Joseph,” he stresses, his voice plaintiv
e, “you’re tearing me up. Please, listen to me. I asked you to take my place. You have no reason to feel guilty.”
Relief floods his features as Airen’s words take root. His long, thin fingers run gently through Airen’s coal black hair. “I missed you,” he breathes. Their lips meet so naturally it’s impossible to discern who initiated their achingly sweet reunion.
“Me too.” Careful not to disturb the IV, Joseph lays his head on Airen’s chest, giving a contented hum when his arm moves to draw him closer. Airen’s fingers trail up his arm and over the pale pink scar that disappears up Joseph’s sleeve.
“I’m so sorry for this. I should’ve been here,” he murmurs.
“It’s not your fault. You didn’t set the fire.”
“When I think of what could’ve happened if you hadn’t been here.” He shudders. “I owe you everything, Joey.”
“You came back. That’s all I wanted,” Joseph declares, snuggling into his side. Within minutes, they’re asleep, leaving me to sort through the pieces. I should be relieved our secret is out and Airen isn’t devastated by our actions. But all I can hear are the words “I asked you to take my place”. They penetrate defenses built within me for years, and strike hard at the center of my vulnerability. Joseph didn’t want me. He did it for Airen, to honor his wishes.
My entire body burns with shame and humiliation. He felt obligated to touch me, to kiss me. After the past two years with Airen, I failed to remember who I am. I’m the same girl, too pathetic to attract a man without incentive. My stomach churns when I contemplate how Joseph must have felt. Was he disgusted? Did he enjoy it at all? He refused me that night, but I pressed him until I got my way. Oh Joseph, I’m so sorry.
There is nothing left inside me but a hollow acceptance, a resignation to the dismal truth. I cheated on my husband. I’m getting exactly what I deserve. Of course Joseph didn’t want me. He did it for the man he loves, and now Airen has every right to rid himself of me. Perhaps he’s relieved to have an excuse.
It’s impossible to miss the love Airen has for Joseph, even if he can’t admit it to himself. I can only hope to lose them to each other and be spared the agony of watching Airen with another woman. No matter the circumstances, I need to be with them right now. As quietly as possible, I cuddle close to Airen. He’s home. My boys are here, but I may have lost them both. The emotional exhaustion overpowers me, submerging me in sweet obscurity, away from the pain.