Unwilling (Book One of the Compelled Trilogy 1)

by Kristen Pike

  Rowan hated that scar more than anything on her body but it had shown something she had gone through and survived, and Jace had just dismissed it. Rowan knew he meant well, that he believed she was beautiful.

  “Jace, I’m sorry.” Rowan said, pushing away from him. He pulled back immediately, though Rowan could see the disappointment on his face. “I’m sorry.” She said again. She detangled herself from him and fetched a shirt from an armoire across the room. She grabbed one of Elias’s old shirts, as she only had frilly dresses in the house, and it was a bit baggy on her small frame but it would do. Her other shirt was filthy besides.

  Rowan stepped from the room, shutting the door behind her and hoped Jace wouldn’t follow. Rowan wound her way through the house, moving her way through the dark halls familiarly, as if she had never left, until cool night air made the hair on hers arms stand up. She rubbed them, wishing she had grabbed a long sleeved shirt.

  Rowan could sense him come up behind her. She didn’t turn to face him, didn’t acknowledge him at all. Carter came to stand in front of her, blotting out the moon behind him. Rowan tilted her head up to look at him. He looked magnificent in the moonlight; his sharp features made softer by the pale glow.

  Carter grabbed her arm, the one with the scar, and lifted her arm so he could see it. Rowan knew she should feel ashamed or pull away, but neither of those things occurred to her.

  “Never wear long sleeves again.” He told her, meeting her eyes and rubbing his hand across her arm. Rowan blushed as though he had said the most sensual thing he could imagine to her.

  Carter turned without another word.

  “What I saw, in your head, when I was on the rocks… did that really happen?” Rowan asked.

  “No.” Carter responded, not turning to look at her.

  “But you want it to?”

  “If I wanted something to happen, it would have, but he’s too…” Carter struggled to find the right word to use, “fragile right now. He’s lost himself Rowan, and he needs time to find his way back.” He said, his voice pained.

  “I wouldn’t give up.” Rowan told him gently and felt anger shoot up inside him.

  “Like you gave up in those caves? I saw your plan with that dagger.” Carter spat, turning his face to look at her coldly.

  “I can’t keep looking for him Carter, it’s like you said, he’s lost. I’ve seen what he can become, I’ve felt what he feels when he uses the power, and I can’t keep tearing myself apart to chase after him.” Rowan said, feeling heavy to think of Coop in those caves.

  “He IS lost, and that’s exactly why he needs you Rowan, now more than ever. You’re probably the only one that can bring him back from the brink of madness he’s perched himself on.”

  “Why does it have to be my responsibility? Why can’t I just leave him to suffer in the world he’s created?” Rowan asked, crossing her arms.

  “Because you love him Rowan.” Carter said simply.

  “Sometimes it’s not that simple, as you know.” Rowan retorted.

  “It’s not simple for me because I love who he CAN be, right now he’s every bit the monster you think he is, I’ve only glimpsed the Elias you used to know, the one you grew up with. But you never stopped loving your brother Rowan, even after everything he put you through, because you know this isn’t him, you know can he can be better. So you can protest all you want, but I know, because I know who YOU ARE, Rowan, that if there’s even the slightest chance you can save your brother, you will, because you love him.

  Rowan did not reply and Carter slipped into the darkness of the night to do God’s knew what.

  Rowan cried, small silent tears that fell from her face and dropped to the ground as a silent reminder of the pain she had endured over the past year.

  Rowan felt the scar on her arm, each letter filling her with anger and hatred. Rowan wiped her tears, refusing to succumb to the overwhelming grief she felt.

  She would be unwilling to break because she knew Carter was right, if there was even a small chance, no matter how dangerous, or unlikely, or unattainable, she would do whatever it takes to redeem her brother.

  THIRTY-FOUR

  Rowan came down the stairs in a white short-sleeved shirt and Carter smiled approvingly at her. Their group of six had gathered at the large table, just outside the kitchen, that her family had never used. It was supposed to be for special occasions, or for when they had guests for diner, but they never celebrated anything and Rowan could not recall the last time they had ever had a visitor. So, Rowan speculated, this must be the first time the tables ever gotten any use.

  Carter had found a map, Rowan recognized it as the map that sat atop the large desk in the study, and had it spread out on the dark, wood, table. It was a good map of Lamarina; with color, and showed all the major cities, and most of the smaller ones. It showed Daria, the capital, way up in the northeast, where Elias was, and even Gavaint down in the southwest. Rowan shook her head as Carter gestured to a large town just outside Daria, where the King had supposedly taken up refuge. Cecily had told her before she-

  Rowan shook her head, hear heart panging to think of the small, fiery, child.

  Cecily had told her that the King was planning a war on Elias. Rowan thought now, that there was no better way for Elias to ensure that happened, than to set up in the capital, where the King lived.

  It’s a miracle the King hasn’t struck against Elias already, but Rowan figured with Elias compelling every Kings Guard he came across to abandon the King and take up arms with him, the King would be having a hard time just finding people to even strike against Elias with.

  “If we make straight for Daria, we could be there within a month. I sent a rider ahead of us last night to inform Elias of his sister’s return and to expect us. We’re going to have to skirt these areas,” Carter pointed to different areas on the map, “the King’s Guard is heavy here, and here, and if they know were traveling to Elias they will kill us outright or use us as bait to trap him.” Carter informed them in that self-assured voice of his. “Does anyone have an objection with this plan?” He asked, and then, “good,” before anyone had had the chance to respond.

  Carter began rolling up the map as the others dispersed; Chev and Pickard went one way, talking in hushed voices to each other. Varin rambled off upstairs, his motions stiff, and Jace offered Rowan a sad smile, a strange loo in his eyes, and left from the room.

  “I knew you couldn’t resist being alone with me again.” Carter teased with his trademark smirk, leaning against the table, his arms folded over his chest and the map tucked neatly into the crook of his elbow.

  “Yes, because your brutal honesty makes for such compelling and joyful conversation.” Rowan snapped back and stalked from the room, followed by Carter’s airy laughter.

  Rowan pushed open the back door in the kitchen, the fall air wafting into her nose, perfumed by leaves and dry grass and Rowan found herself looking for Elias under the Great Tree, a paintbrush perched in his fingers. Her face fell into a frown as his absence cut into her heart like a knife. Rowan breathed deeply, allowing herself to be overtaken with the scent of changing seasons, her mind forcing itself away from painful memories.

  This was going to be their last day here; tomorrow they would set out for Daria. Rowan hoped that when she finally reached her destination she could convince Elias to come back here with her, or maybe we could build a new home together, far from everyone, and make new memories that are not tainted with pain.

  Rowan began walking around the edge of the yard that backed into the forest; picking up large stones and ladling them in her arms. When she felt she had enough she walked under the outstretched branches of the Great Tree, their extended branches and full set of leaves shielding the sky from view.

  Rowan sat on her legs, tucking her feet neatly behind her. She grabbed five of the large stones from the sizable pile she had collected and arranged them in a pyramid shape at the base of the Great Tree.

  “You didn’t
have to come down there and try and save me, Jacob, Gods only know why you did.” Rowan whispered, though no one was around to hear her. “I’ll always remember what you tried to do for me and I promise to live a life worthy of your sacrifice.” She said heavyhearted and built another pyramid for Moon Shine. Rowan thought of the old man, who had saved her life from poison and then died trying to save it a second time from Kastor. Rowan exhaled, hoping Jacob was reunited with Moon Shine in his afterlife.

  Rowan placed five more stones in a pyramid next to the first one. “You were able to give me a little bit of sunshine when I needed it most. You shouldn’t have had to die down there Cecily, and I’m so so sorry that you did. You had so much ahead of you and I am glad –“ Rowan’s throat seized with unshed tears and she blinked them away, breathing deeply. “I’m so glad to have been able to call you my friend.” Tears spilled out from her eyes as Cecily bounded into her head, bright and vibrant and so full of life.

  That’s how Rowan wanted to remember her, with her red hair blazing like fire as she danced, her laughter, like millions of tinkling bells filling her prison with a small shred of happiness. Kastor must have taken her body and hidden away deep in the caves somewhere. Rowan knew without a doubt that Cecily had perished from her wounds. No one would have been able to survive that.

  “I never told you, but I loved you too, Cecily.” Rowan heard fallen leaves crackle dryly behind her and turned to see Chev, Pickard, and Jace come into her secluded funeral.

  “Do you mind if we join you?” Jace asked quietly.

  “Not at all.” Rowan replied, scooting over, though she didn’t really need to, there was plenty of room under the Great Tree to fit them all comfortably.

  “Do you mind?” Pickard asked her, gesturing to her unused pile of rocks with a nod of his head.

  “No of course not.” Rowan replied, smiling kindly at Pickard who stooped to pick up five rocks, seeing how Rowan had arranged hers. He mimicked the pyramid, sitting down on his haunches.

  “This here’s for Mills,” Pickard began, exchanging a sad look with Rowan. “He died trying to rescue you; and Rowan on the way there, towards the end, he told me something. He told me he only started following you to get to Elias, so he could kill him to avenge his wife; but that he stayed because he saw what kind of person you are. He told me you were worth dying for, if it came to that.” Pickard said somberly, taking his eyes away from hers and looking sadly at the pile of rocks. “He was a decent guy, sure a little quiet, but he was brave. He fought strongly till the end.” Pickard finished. He gave one last look at the four assembled pyramids and retreated, standing behind Rowan with his hands clasped in front of him.

  Chev grabbed up two rocks and placed one on top of the other, next to the pyramid Pickard had made. He did not say anything as he placed them but when he turned Rowan saw pain and grief in his eyes, Rowan wondered whom his tributes were for. Chev exited the cover of the Great Tree without a word, his head bowed and Pickard soon followed.

  Jace sat beside Rowan silently, taking her hands in his; they felt warm, and safe. Rowan wanted to ask him about the battle that had taken place in the caves but now did not seem like the time, instead, she asked, “How did we wind up here?”

  Rowan rotated her head to look at him. He had shaven sometime since they had been here, probably using one of her father’s old blades. Rowan thought he looked a lot younger without scruff on his face and reached out to touch the smooth skin. He leaned his cheek into her touch, his eyes coming to rest on hers.

  “Have you ever seen the ocean?” Rowan asked him as his green eyes stared deeply into her blue ones. Jace shook his head. “What’s wrong?” Rowan asked him, letting her hand fall to her lap.

  “I’m going to be leaving for a bit.” Jace replied.

  Rowan had expected this, but it still stung to know he was departing, even if she knew he would come back.

  “It won’t be for very long. I’ll catch up in a week, or so.” He said sheepishly, with a shrug of his shoulders.

  “I understand.” Rowan said, smiling at him, though it didn’t reach her eyes.

  “I know you do.” He said, drawing her to him. “I’ll catch up as soon as I can.” Jace repeated. Rowan rested her head against his shoulder as he cradled her in his arms, as one would with a small child.

  “I’ll miss you.” Rowan told him, reclining her head to look up at him.

  “I’ll miss you to.” He tightened his arms around her. A breeze drifted by, ruffling the branches of the Great Tree and tossing Jace’s dirty blonde hair playfully about his head.

  Rowan wanted to stay there forever. Locked in Jace’s arms with the wind dancing about them. She felt more at peace than she ever had in her entire life. “When are you going?” Rowan asked him, closing her eyes.

  “Now.” He answered.

  Rowan frowned, pulling away from him slightly. “Must you go that soon?”

  “I haven’t been home in a long time, Rowan. I’m eager to see my family again, and the sooner I go the sooner I can get back to you.” He answered his eyes looking distant. Rowan wondered what he was thinking of, his family probably.

  “Okay.” Rowan said weakly. She had dragged him across all of Lamarina in search of her brother, the least she could do is not make him feel guilty for wanting to see his mother and father. Rowan knew that if she asked him to stay, he would, and she really did want to ask him to stay, but she also knew he would not be happy and he would always be worrying about his family. “Be safe?”

  “Of course, and I know-“ he cringed inwardly, making a sour face. “I know Carter will take care of you.” He finished, the words coming out of his mouth thickly, as if they were a poison to his tongue and it caused physical pain to his person to say them.

  “I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself!” Rowan exclaimed, slightly offended.

  “I know you are, you’ve been doing it a long time, but you have this uncanny knack for getting yourself into, unseemly, situations.” Jace smiled at her, Rowan frowned but didn’t disagree with him.

  Rowan could feel Carter laughing in her head at that comment and wished he would just leave her alone. “I’m trying to have a private conversation. Must you always be here!” Rowan yelled at him.

  “But it is so amusing.” Carter said to her and she just knew he would be wearing that infuriating smile of his. “But, when you’re done with your, truly, touching moment, I need to talk to you.” Rowan ducked her head under Jace’s chin and once again felt Carter laugh as his presence retreated, finally leaving her alone with Jace.

  Must he ruin everything? Rowan thought to herself, fuming slightly. She wished HE were the one going away so she could be completely alone with Jace and she blushed at what she was implying to herself.

  “I really must get going.” Jace said after a while. He said it flatly, as though he was saying the color of the sky, or that the Great Tree was a rather large tree.

  “Oh.” Rowan said sadly, removing herself from his lap and standing there awkwardly as Jace came to his feet. “Do you have everything you need to go?” Rowan asked, hoping he didn’t and she would get to spend more time with him as he packed.

  “Yes. I got ready this morning.” He said to her. The short distance between them was beginning to feel like a canyon to Rowan and she was desperate to close the gap, but she held her position and tried to smile brightly at Jace, though she could feel herself crumbling away, like a rock turning to sand at the edge of the ocean. Be strong Rowan.

  “Well I hope you have safe travels.” Rowan said quickly. She could have kicked herself for being a sniveling mess, didn’t she say just last night that she was stronger than this? Jace must have seen the panicked look on her face, for he folded her in his arms.

  “It’s not forever. I WILL come back.” He assured her, looking down on her though he wasn’t much taller than her, his eyes concerned.

  “I know, it’s just-“ Rowan broke off, shaking her head. She really needed to pull herse
lf together.

  “Just what.” Jace whispered, resting his forehead on hers.

  “I just love you Jace. I mean, I REALLY, love you.” Rowan said and never felt more convicted of anything in her life. Jace smiled a sad, soft smile and kissed her.

  There was no urgency, or fire, but the sweet, gentle kiss made Rowan tingle all the way to her toes. It felt to Rowan like the last kiss two people would ever share and her heart burst inside her. She pulled away, hanging her head so Jace would not see the tears that had finally made their way out of her eyes.

  “I love you to.” Jace whispered resting his forehead on hers. “I’ll see you soon Rowan.” Jace said to her tenderly. Rowan didn’t say anything. She feared if she opened her mouth she would beg him to stay, so she kept it shut, her lips pursed tightly.

  Jace took a step back from her, brushing her cheek lightly with his knuckles, making Rowan shiver, she ducked her head so he didn’t see the tear that had slipped out.

  When she looked up, she was alone under the Great Tree; Jace was gone. Not forever. She told herself. It’s only going to be for a week. I went most of my life without him; I can make it a week.

  Rowan kind of felt like she was dying though.

  THIRTY-FIVE

  Gavaint had been practically untouched, probably because it was so far from where Elias was, and Jace found himself sighing in relief that his hometown looked exactly the same as when he had left. The Market was bustling, though Jace was disappointed to find that his father’s booth was being tended by a young village boy he had never seen before.

  Jace hurried home quickly and when his house came into view through the trees he found a large smile breaking out over his face. “MA! PA!” Jace shouted, excitement filling him and he found it hard to contain, breaking into a jog to reach his home faster. “MA!” Jace repeated. He was maybe ten feet away when the door opened, his grin growing wider.