Unwilling (Book One of the Compelled Trilogy 1)

by Kristen Pike

  Rowan felt the presence that she was beginning to recognize as Carter press against her mind and she knew without having to turn around that he was watching her from the large window that overlooked the yard in the kitchen.

  Rowan wanted him to leave her alone, she cared to do her grieving in peace, but she did not know how to shut out Carter; and she was probably too tired to do so even if she did know how.

  Rowan paid her respects to her father first, standing over where he was buried with the wind picking up her hair and tossing it lightly about her shoulders. The sun was beginning to set, and the light was quickly fading.

  Rowan talked to her father, though she knew he couldn’t hear her, would never hear her again. She told him how far she had travelled to find Elias, though it was all for not. She told him how afraid she had been when Kastor had taken her. She told him all the horrible things he had done to her.

  She felt Carters presence grow stronger when she talked of Kastor burning her arm. Rowan thought it was curious that he hadn’t seen the name branded into her skin, but she had been wearing Cecily’s long sleeved shirt, so she guessed no one would have seen the marks yet.

  Rowan supposed that was for the better. She didn’t want anyone to look at her with a pitying look in their eyes as they saw her disfigurement. The burns were healed now, the skin red and puckered. She could read KASTOR clearly, now that the wound was no longer scabbed.

  She used to think of taking a knife and cutting the skin from her arm but figured she would probably get an infection and die if she did that, so she didn’t. She did however only wear long sleeves, hoping if she couldn’t see the horrible mutilation, she wouldn’t think about it. It worked, most of the time.

  Rowan told her father about Jace. “You would have approved of him, I think.” Rowan said, “He’s the most loving, generous, kind ,person I’ve ever met.”

  “I can be loving to.” Carter told her and Rowan pushed back at him, trying to shove him from her head. She heard his laughter echoing inside her at her meager attempt to expel him from her thoughts.

  When Rowan finished the telling of her journey to her father she turned her eye to her mother’s grave. Rowan’s thoughts were bombarded with the image of the night she had died. Rowan did not try to deny them, giving herself over to relive the horror of that day.

  Her mother had come to her, crying. It had been three days since Elias had left, even then rumors had begun to spread; about him, about their family.

  “It’s my fault he’s like that, but I did not know then. I swear I didn’t know.” Her mother had sobbed. She’s incoherent in her despair, Rowan had decided as her mother had fallen to her knees in front of her. “He will come for us now. I can’t go back, I can’t go back.” She clutched at the hem of Rowans dress, tears spilling from her puffy red eyes.

  “Maybe you should get back in bed.” Rowan suggested to her mother, who only shrieked, a high-pitched wail tumbling from her throat.

  “I can’t go back! I can’t go back!” Her mother had said frantically, her head thrown back. Rowan wondered if she had been possessed. “Kill me Rowan. Kill me please! I can’t go back!” Her mother had begged.

  Rowan had taken a step back from her, but her mother clutched the hem of her dress, holding her tight.

  “I can’t go back!” Her mother repeated, like broken clockwork chiming the same hour over and over again. Rowan had started to grow frightened. She had seen her mother wear many horrible faces; twisted in rage, or hatred, even fear as Elias had tortured her, but she had never seen the immobilizing terror that now shone out of her mother’s eyes like a beacon.

  Rowans mother had flung herself from Rowan then, dashing toward the kitchen. Rowan was rooted to the spot with shock for several seconds, then regaining her senses she bolted after her mother. When Rowan reached her mother, she was holding a large knife, meant for butchering. She was sobbing uncontrollably and muttering to herself.

  “Ican’tgoback, Ican’tgoback, Ican’tgoback.” Her mother held the knife in front of her, her hand gripping the handle so hard her knuckles were white. The blade pointed at her chest.

  “Mama, stop this!” Rowan had screamed, tears now falling from her eyes. Her mother rocked back and forth, her eyes squeezed shut.

  “I can’t go back I can’t go back. He will come for us now. He will come.” Her mother had looked at her and Rowan saw the finality in her mother’s eyes. Rowan had sprung forward but it was too late. The knife was buried in her mother’s chest and she was slumping to the ground, red blood leaching from the hole.

  Rowan had pulled the knife out, pressing her hands to her mother’s chest to stop the blood flow. “He will come for you now to. I’m so sorry. Rowan. I’m so sorry.” Her mother had gurgled, blood leaking from the corners of her mouth.

  “Mama!” Rowan cried, but it was too late, her mother’s head lolled to the side, her eyes staring distantly at the wall, unblinking. “MAMA!” Rowan had shaken her. Her mother’s head bounced freely. Rowan had shoved the body away from her in horror, scooting backwards on the pale blue tile of the kitchen floor.

  Rowan had dug her grave in silence, next to her fathers, and laid her mother in it as gently as she could. She changed from her blood soaked clothes silently. Rowan had then gathered as much clothes and food as she could carry then left the house, not even bothering to clean up the blood in the kitchen.

  Rowan thought that her mother’s blood was probably still in the kitchen, dried and flaking.

  “It is. But I’m having Varin clean it up. Blood on the floor does tend to ruin ones appetite.” Carter told her. Rowan ignored him.

  “I’m sorry I couldn’t save you.” Rowan whispered to her mother. She turned and reluctantly made her way back to the house, the sun setting behind the trees.

  THIRTY-THREE

  “Don’t say anything to me.” Rowan said to him as she made her way into the room. Carter smirked, the left side of his mouth slightly higher than the right.

  “I wouldn’t dream of it.” He responded, turning to look at her. She was wondering where Jace was and Carter wished angrily that she would stop thinking about that damned man for one second. Rowan turned to look at him, sensing his unexpected anger.

  She frowned at him but didn’t comment on his temporary mental outburst as she made her way out of the kitchen. She did so without looking down at Varin, who was cleaning up the last of the congealed blood from the floor.

  “I wouldn’t want your job.” Carter told the man, looking down at him and crossing his arms. Varin looked up at him with unblinking dirt colored eyes, then resumed his work without a word. Carter raised his eyebrows and nodded his head in mock agreement, then followed Rowan from the room, to explore the rest of the house.

  As he made his way through the ornately decorated home he tried to imagine Elias and Rowan here as children. He could not picture Elias as anything other than the God he was but he could imagine Rowan playing by the hearth in the winter, or running across the red dyed rug laughing, her black hair streaming behind her.

  Carter made his way into a seating area and plopped down on a large tan sofa, propping his feet up on a cushion, his elbow resting on the arm of the sofa.

  “Didn’t you just make yourself right at home?” Jace said to him in his usual hostile matter.

  “Well saving your girl’s life is hard work. I’ve done it twice now and it’s rather exhausting.” Carter responded, bored.

  “What game do you think you’re playing at?” Jace demanded, coming further into the room.

  “Well depends really. I’ve never been one for cards, but I do like to gamble every now and then.” Carter responded, staring at the ceiling. “Would you like to make a wager?”

  “You can’t take Rowan from me. She might be fooled by your tricks right now but I know that she wants to be with me. Besides, you’re nothing but a lap dog for her bother.” Jace said, and frowned when Carter only laughed.

  “I don’t have to TAKE Rowan from you. Ro
wan makes her own choices, you don’t own her.” Carter had an edge to his voice, his eyes were steely as he focused them on Jace, who had turned pale. “As for being a lap dog for her brother, Elias is a God. He’s twice the man you will ever be.” Carter said furiously. “I’m happy to do my service to him, at least I have a purpose in life.” Carter finished coolly, letting his head fall back to rest on the back of the sofa, his eyes closing as though he might fall asleep.

  “Rowan would never go to you.” Jace said, his voice confident in that belief.

  “You don’t know a damned thing about me mate,” Carter responded, “So stop assuming I’m even trying to take Rowan from you and grow up. If you love Rowan SO much, stop acting as if she is your property, she is a person Jace. She has choices too. None of which involve me romantically. Understand? Or should I repeat myself, slowly?”

  Jace said nothing, for which Carter was grateful. Jace’s voice really did tend to grate on his nerves, and he was developing quiet the headache.

  Carter heard Jace stomp from the room, like an infant throwing a fit, and smiled victoriously. When he could no longer hear Jace stomping away from him he rose from the couch, a memory of Elias’s prickling at the back of his consciousness.

  He had first seen the hidden room a few days after meeting Elias, though Elias had tried to hide its contents from Carter. Carter had never seen Elias paint in real life, and he made his way to the study, using Elias’s memories as a guide through the large house.

  Carter pushed open the heavy door, then hesitated in front of the bookshelf. Was it the History of Varisin? Or was it that book on mathematics? Carter asked himself and with a shrug pulled both books. The bookshelf creaked and swung open and Carter stepped into the small room, eager to see what treasures lay hidden behind the shelf.

  Carter gasped. In all his months with Elias, he never would have guessed that the haunted anxious man he had grown to know, would be able to create such beautiful masterpieces. The room was crammed with paintings of all sizes, lined against the walls and stacked on the floor, their colors vibrant or dark, contrasting, and capturing memories, emotions, and each painting made Carter feel differently; anger, joy, pain, love, tripping and tumbling through him as his eyes rested on a new painting, until he was left gasping for breath and resting his hand on the wall to hold himself steady. There was an easel set in the corner, a plain white canvas sitting on it and the untouched canvas made Carter irrationally sad.

  I would love to see him paint. Carter thought, sitting down in a small gray chair in the corner of the room, his mind trying to comprehend the beauty that surrounded him. But he is so lost right now… so broken.

  ҉ ҉ ҉

  Rowan opened the door to her old room. It creaked as it slid along the floor as if welcoming her back. Rowan absently touched the dent on the wall just outside the door where her mother had bashed her head against it. The memory seemed so far away, as if it had happened to another person in another life who had died millions of years ago.

  She chewed on her bottom lip, a habit she had picked up from Cecily, as she made her way into the dark room. Rowan didn’t need any light to know how it looked. Two beds pushed together in the far corner. Toys; blocks and dolls she had not played with for years, on the other side of the door.

  The large window that took up almost one whole wall was to her left, pale moonlight illuminating the room only slightly. Rowan had watched Elias flee their home from that window, abandoning her.

  Rowan made her way wearily to the bed, stepping on the large round rug that lay in the middle of the room. It was soft beneath her bare feet, Rowan had forgotten just how soft it was.

  She sank into the bed, her blankets pillowing around her. They smelled dusty, but they felt familiar. The way they folded and felt against the palm of her hand made her think of the hundreds of nights she couldn’t sleep, laying on her back and listening to Elias tell her stories, legends, or just ramble on about nothing until she fell asleep.

  “This was your room huh?” Jace asked from the door.

  “Yes.” Rowan answered him, coming to a stand. Jace stood on the threshold of the room, his hands pushing into the frame on either side of him. Rowan could just make out the shape of him in the darkness. She wanted desperately to go to him but could not bring herself to move.

  “I used to sit outside your house you know.” He told her, stepping into the room. The moon light brightened his face as he stopped in front of the window.

  “I didn’t know that.” Rowan said softly.

  Jace said nothing as he peered down at the ground from the second story window.

  “Jace?” Rowan began, her voice hesitant. I have to tell him, Rowan thought to herself. The guilt of her moonlight kiss with Carter becoming too much for her to bear, he deserves the truth.

  “If you’re going to tell me about Carter I already know.” Jace said not turning to her. He didn’t sound angry, just defeated. “Well, not completely but I’m not stupid.”

  “Jace.” Rowan said hurrying toward him. She placed a hand on his shoulder and he finally turned to look at her. His face was blank and pale, a ghost looking at her in the moon light. “It didn’t mean anything to me. I just wanted to ask him some questions when I couldn’t sleep one night. I didn’t know he was going to kiss me.” Rowan tried to explain, her words tumbling out of her mouth in a rush, coming between them like a canyon and Rowan wondered if it was even possible to build a bridge across it after all they had been through.

  “Rowan-“ Jace tried but Rowan didn’t let him finish.

  “I swear to you Jace, I don’t want to hurt you.” Rowan said, pleading him with her voice to understand.

  “Do you want to be with him?” Jace asked, pain finally creeping into his voice though Rowan could tell he was trying hard to hide it.

  “No.” Rowan said adamantly, shaking her head. “No.” She said again more fiercely. “I want you, only you, always and forever.”

  “I can’t lose you Rowan. You are my everything. I know I have been acting kind of insane, especially when Carter is involved, but I don’t know how to live without you Rowan, I can’t breathe, I can’t eat, I can’t think straight where you’re concerned.” Jace looked down at the floor then back up at Rowan. “You’ve been through a lot Rowan and I hate that you have had to endure all that you have, but you’re the strongest, kindest, most beautiful person I’ve ever met in my life. I cannot offer you a lot Rowan, but I can build you a house and I can make you honey tarts and I can make you laugh. I know it sounds ridiculous and clichéd but I can make you happy Rowan, but only if that is what you want. So many of your choices have been taken from you and I don’t want to be one those, but I will always choose you, every day for the rest of my life.”

  Rowan stood silently for a long time, looking at Jace’s eyes shining in the moonlight, baring his soul to her. “I don’t have a choice when it comes to you Jace.” Rowan whispered. Jace’s face fell, but Rowan continued, “You were the only thing that ever made sense to me. I do not have a choice when it comes to you because there is no choice to make. You make me a better person Jace, you make me stronger, more confident, and you make me see the beauty in the world instead of the blackness that surrounds me. I do not need a house, or honey tarts, all I ever wanted is you. You’re enough Jace, just you. I love you.”

  The bridge had been built and reinforced but the dam inside them broke open and months of emotion spilled from them and frenzied them. They reached for each other, their bodies smashing together hungrily. Jace’s mouth came down on hers, his breath hot against her cheek. Jace kissed her passionately, as if she were his beginning and end, as if he was dying and she could keep him alive just another moment, this moment. Jace held her as though she were a fleeting memory he had to hold onto with his lips, his hands that clenched her shirt. Jace kissed so deeply it made Rowan tremble from the inside out, her heart bursting in her chest for the love she had for him.

  His hands skimmed her waist and he lifte
d her up, carrying her to the bed. He laid her down gently. One hand cupped her neck, the other rested on her hip. Their lips never left the others as if they would wither and die if they ever broke the contact.

  No other second in time could compare to this one, their breaths coming out in sharp puffs as they tangled into each other, consumed in this feeling of their hearts thrashing in their chests and the world slipping by them in a blur and nothing else mattered, the world could burn for all they cared as long as this moment never ended.

  Rowan tore Jace’s shirt from him, ripping the front of it in her effort to remove it from his body. Her hands glided along his stomach and he sucked in a breath.

  “Rowan?” Jace hesitated, pulling away.

  “I want this Jace. I want you.” She urged, wishing he wasn’t always a gentleman and would just kiss her without any limitations or inhibitions. Jace kissed her again, surrendering completely to Rowan to do with as she pleased.

  Rowan’s whole body tingled, her heart slammed in her chest and sweat beaded on her forehead. Her head swam dizzily, incoherent thoughts swirling around as Jace tugged her shirt over her head, her hair tickling her back as it settled back down.

  Jace ran his hands down her arms, wanting to feel every inch of her, “NO!” Rowan gasped, pulling her arm away from him but it was too late, he had felt her scars. He sat up, a quizzical look on his face.

  “Rowan?” Jace questioned, breathing heavy.

  “It’s fine. It’s nothing.” Rowan insisted, drawing her arm to her chest. Jace pulled it from her, running his thumb along the mutilated flesh. Rowan cringed as he felt each letter. The K, then the A, then ran his thumb over the STOR in a fluid motion.

  Rowan’s heart stopped beating as she looked at him, ashamed.

  “It doesn’t exist. Rowan, it doesn’t exist to me.” Jace said, “Every part of you is perfect.” He breathed, kissing her again, but Rowan’s heart wasn’t in it.