Divided

by Kaesey Stobaugh

  She holds my hand even tighter than I’m holding hers as we make our way through the woods. She seems afraid and on edge as she stumbles through the wet trees and bushes. The more we try to run, the more we slow down. It’s too wet to run anymore so we walk, hand in hand. We’ve been walking more than fifteen minutes when the rain finally slows down. The trees drip water and the air is grimy, but I know we’re almost there. It’s a bittersweet feeling. On one hand, I’m gonna have to say goodbye to Willa, who has left this strange impression on me. But on the other, I’m going home to the girls and I don’t need to fear being caught anymore.

  We walk silently, our hands haven’t broken apart. I can feel her shaking and I wonder if she’ll be able to find her way back home. Suddenly, I can’t take it anymore; I break the silence.

  “You don’t have to go on. I can take you back.” I whisper softly.

  “Why would you walk this far with me, just to go all the way back and start over? I’ll be fine.” Her voice is shaky.

  “I don’t think I’ve really thanked you yet. I mean… you literally saved my life.” She looks at me and smiles but pulls her hand away from mine and crosses her arms. She’s trying to make it look like she’s just cold, but I fear I may have made her uncomfortable.

  I stick my hands in my pockets and look away from her. Why am I so nervous? I wonder. Oh, right. The no friends thing, that and I’m an idiot. I’m not very good at expressing my feelings with words, I guess. Although, I was only thanking her, it’s not like I’m walking on a tightrope with my feelings.

  We walk a few more minutes in silence, then I see the most wonderful, yet horrible sight; The Wall. It’s still there, just waiting for me. I’m more than ready to be home, but this also means I have to say goodbye to this strange girl next to me. We both stop and she looks at me and smiles. Why is it so hard to say goodbye to someone I hardly know? I can’t figure it out, all I know is this is it.

  One thing’s for sure, I’m never climbing over that wall again.

  Chapter Ten

  Willamina

  Our feet crunch and slip on the wet leaves that litter the forest floor. The rain is sparser in here, but the rain drops are heavier and soak you more when they hit you. He’s holding my hand to lead me, but I think he probably wants me to feel secure as well. I know he can sense how nervous I am. This is so crazy and nerve racking for me. I’ve never been out of town before. I’ve never been inside a forest except in books. I’ve dreamed about having adventures like this before, but now that I’m actually out here, I just feel unsure of myself.

  I try to focus on Nate’s hand inside of mine. Even though it’s wet, just like everything else, it’s also warm. The skin is rough and his grip is firm, but gentle. I can feel little scars and cuts; they remind me of how hard he must work all day, every day. But as hard as I try, I can’t keep the fear out. The trees start to look alive, and every time one sways in in the wind, it feels like it’s reaching for me. Without permission, my body starts to shake.

  “You don’t have to go on. I can take you back.” He whispers.

  I think about it. Ten seconds ago I would have given anything for him to offer that, but now, I know that I can do this. “Why would you walk this far with me, just to go all the way back and start over? I’ll be fine.” My voice is shaking but I feel better now.

  “I don’t think I’ve really thanked you yet. I mean… you literally saved my life.” I smile at him but suddenly I’m very conscious of our entwined hands. I’ve never really been alone with a boy before. On impulse, I gently pull my hand away and cross my arms. I don’t want to hurt him so I act like I’m just cold. He looks away from me.

  We’re silent for a while longer, but shortly after, a looming silhouette that’s completely new to me appears out of the distance. It’s The Wall. Oddly enough, I’ve never thought about The Wall too much. It’s just been something unquestionable. You know it’s there, but you can’t see it or go to it. You never imagine that someday, you might be staring at it, or be close enough to touch it. But here I am. It seems to be silently threatening me, like it will rat me out or swallow me whole if I take another step. I stop walking abruptly.

  Nate turns to look at me with questioning eyes.

  “I shouldn’t be here.” My voice comes out as barely a whisper. He takes a step towards me.

  “Willa, it’s just a wall. See? No one’s guarding it, no one’s here to catch you.” His tone is soothing but I don’t move an inch. My eyes are glued to the concrete barricade.

  “Look at me, Willa.” He commands me gently. My eyes don’t move. He steps in front of my line of vision and suddenly I’m staring into his dark eyes. The panic retreats and I realize how silly I’m being. I feel so embarrassed.

  “I’m sorry, It’s just,” I try to think of a way to explain my behavior. “It feels like it’s watching me.” He looks over his shoulder at it.

  “You’re right, it does.” For a second, I think I see him shudder, but then I’m not sure if I imagined it. Then I remember our other problem.

  “How are you going to get over it?” I ask, even though I know he doesn’t know the answer. He starts looking around him.

  “I know that the guys have a way, we just need to find it. I really wish I had asked them before I jumped over.” He walks to a group of bushes in the corner.

  “Wait,” I say in shock. “You climbed up the tree and then jumped? Nate, that’s at least fifteen feet!”

  “The guys that had jumped first were pretty much professionals. Then they just caught me.” He explains.

  I notice that there’s a small hedge that runs the length of The Wall and decide to go look in it. At first, I can’t force my feet to move towards this silent monster, but finally, I manage a step. After the first step, it starts to come more easily. At last, I’m standing in front of the hedge, and The Wall. I keep my eyes down and not on the beast looming over me. I notice that between the hedge and The Wall is a gap, big enough to hide something thin. I start walking along, and I find it. It’s a tall wooden ladder.

  “I found it!” I call to him. He’s by my side in a flash and lifts the other side up. He scans the top of The Wall for the top of the fallen tree and when he spots it, he positions the ladder on the other side of it. I realize that this is the end for us.

  He turns to face me. His face doesn’t look as happy as I expected it to.

  “It’s going to be strange when you’re gone,” I start. “Everything’s changed for me. Now I’ll just have to learn to figure out my world on my own.” My voice falters. I hadn’t expected this to be so hard.

  “You know, you’ve showed me something. I’ve always assumed that all Tecks are selfish and power hungry. But, you’re definitely not. I’ve never been happier to be wrong.” He gives me a sincere smile.

  “It’s funny, I’ve enjoyed helping you. It makes me feel like I have purpose. I’ve never felt that way before.” I wonder to myself how I’ll be able to go back to my life after this. Can I?

  “Don’t go back to conformation, Willa. Don’t let them tell you who you should be. You’re your own person, and a really great one at that. I don’t have a lot of friends… but I’m gonna count you as one.” I understand how big that is for him, and I have a thought. Why does this have to be the end?

  “Well, friends come and visit each other sometimes,” I begin hesitantly.

  I watch as he opens his mouth and then shuts it again. He turns away from me and starts pacing, head bent in deliberation. Eventually he looks up at me. “You want me to come back?”

  “Well, not to the city, that would be too dangerous. But maybe we could come to the woods and just talk?”

  He puts his head down and starts to pace again. It seems like a long time before he looks back up at me. “Listen, I’m not all that great at the whole…um, friends thing. I don’t exactly have other friends.”

  “I understand that, I only have one friend. Maybe it’s time you had one too, Nate. The thing is, I don’t
know who I am anymore and you’re the only one that I can trust. My whole world has changed and I don’t know how to deal with it. If you go and never come back, what do I have left?” I know that everything that’s spilling out of me right now is true, but I hadn’t planned on saying it.

  He looks at me hard. I can see him battling with himself; perhaps a part of him wants to trust me but he doesn’t know if he can risk it. My mind lingers on a strange fact: he doesn’t know if he can trust me, and I don’t know if I can trust anyone else.

  Suddenly, I feel stupid for asking him. I look away hurriedly. “It’s okay, just forget about it. I’ll be fine. Good luck on the other side. I really do hope your family will be okay.” I turn my back to him and start marching quickly back into the forest.

  “No.”

  I stop dead in my tracks. Had I imagined that? I spin around. “What?”

  “No,” He says again. “You’re right, Willa. It’s about time I had a friend, someone to talk to, and someone I know will have my back at all times. I’ve never trusted anyone, not even the people that I love, but I think it’s time I did. If we’re going to do this, I need to trust you completely. Can I do that?”

  I start nodding fervently. I’m shocked that he’s agreeing to this. He walks over to me. “We need a system, a way that we both know when to come and a where to come to.” I nod again. My brain starts working.

  “We could meet here, by The Wall, and I could put the ladder up for you so you don’t break your legs.” I suggest.

  “Yeah, that’s a good idea. We should only come at night, obviously. Maybe, we need a specific day of the week?”

  “Shockingly, I’m free all nights of the week. Not a lot going on after midnight.” I smile at him and to my surprise, he smiles back.

  “What about Wednesdays? We meet here at midnight, talk for a few hours, then go home to do it all again next week?” He seems almost excited about it and I’m getting excited too.

  “That works for me.” I’m smiling ear to ear now and I can’t help it. Apparently, it’s contagious because he’s grinning back. I’ve never seen him look so free and unburdened. But then, the smiles fades and he’s all seriousness again.

  “I really need to go check on my family now.” There’s something in his eyes that makes me wonder if he’s a little sad to leave.

  I nod, slowly this time. “Go take care of your family, Nate.”

  He thanks me silently.

  “See you soon, Willamina Whistler.” He says, climbing up the ladder.

  “Goodbye, Nathan Ambers.” Then, he’s out of sight. I hear the thud of his boots hitting the other side. I stand there, listening to the sound of him leaving me. When I can’t hear him anymore, I force myself to grab the ladder and hide it.

  The walk back is lonely without him. The rain has stopped but the silence it left behind is just as bad. I wonder if we’re doing the right thing. And I’m not just worried for me. If they catch him, not only will he be in unspeakable trouble, but they’ll take away his family. He would hate me forever if we ever got caught, if anything ever happens to his sisters. But there’s no going back now. I told him he could trust me. He’s never trusted anyone before, and now that he does, if I betray him, he’d never be the same. I’m in this for the long haul. And also, something strange is happening inside me: I already miss him.

  Chapter Eleven

  Nathan

  With a leap and a thud, I'm on the ground and back on my side of The Wall. I can't help but feel a crazy mix of excitement and guilt. Was this the right choice? Maybe I’m crazy now but...I guess that's okay. As long as I don't get caught, I'll be fine. I'll get to see Willa again. Although, I think I need to work on my social skills a bit before talking to her again.

  As I walk back, I allow my mind to flood through with all the thoughts of the past two days. Starting from when I jumped over The Wall. I start thinking about the night before last, when I decided to leave with the guys. This makes me think about Michele, and how he did me wrong. How he dragged me into a death trap and left me there to die. If I had run into anyone but Willa, I would surely be dead.

  I think about what I'll do when I see him again, as I leap and skip through the river. The more I think about him, the angrier I get. Half of me wants to track him down and beat the crap out of him. The other half just never wants to see him again. Unfortunately for him, I usually listen to the more violent side of myself. I sigh.

  It’s pitch black and I'm still soaking wet as I crunch and stomp through the woods. At any other time, I'd be very quiet and do everything in my power not to be heard. But right now, I can't imagine anything crazier happening then what I've been through the last couple days. At this point, nothing scares me. I just want to be home. But at the same time, home is the last place I want to be. Maybe I should turn around and go back. Live in Willa’s shed for the rest of my life. I bet I could do it. If only I didn't have my sisters. They're the only reason I'm still walking forwards.

  It must be at least two in the morning. It never felt so good to walk up the dirt road leading to my house. The house is dark and still, hopefully a sign that everyone is asleep. So, with a deep breath I quietly open the door and tiptoe in. I'm shocked to see my mother sitting at the table, knitting what looks like a small blanket with only a flickering light coming from an almost burned out candle. I stop dead in my tracks. I stare at her, trying very hard not to show on my face that I'm hiding a secret. She stares at me as well. She looks at me like I've been dead for weeks. This look is scaring me. Does she know something? How could she have found out? Her stare drifts down to my soaking wet clothes and her eyebrows narrow.

  "Well don't just stand there. Close the door and get in here!" She orders with a hiss.

  In that moment I feel relieved. She's her same old grouchy self, which means she has no idea about my disappearance last night.

  I shut the door and slowly walk past her, attempting not to make eye contact while still watching her, just to be sure she doesn't suspect anything. Apparently she notices my gaze. She throws her hands down in her lap.

  "Nathan Ambers, would you please get out of my light?"

  I leap out of her way, moving to peek into the girls’ room. It seems like forever since I've seen them. They're so small and peaceful. It makes me feel sick to my stomach to know that I'm still putting them in danger.

  I finally slip into my bedroom and proceed to strip off my wet clothes, taking off my jacket and laying it out on my floor, hoping it'll be dry by tomorrow. Then I feel the coat Willa gave me. I forgot about it. It's dripping and doesn't smell as good as it did back in the shed. Still smells better than I do right now though. I throw it and the rest of my clothes in a pile by my door for my mother to wash. I put on some softer, lighter pants –the only real sleep clothes I have– and refuse to go through the trouble of finding a shirt. I'm finally lying down. Now that I'm not moving any more, all the physical pain starts to hit me at once. My tight muscles start to cramp up in my legs, making it nearly impossible to move them. My hands are burning and my back aches. But it's not bothering me tonight like it usually does. It's not what's keeping me awake. As I lay there, I let my whole mind drift back to the other side of The Wall. Back to the person I left in the woods. Every thought, flash back, and memory, everything is Willa. I picture her long, light blonde hair that waved from the top down and seemed like it bugged her so much. She'll never know how lovely it was to me. I think about her warm smile. How her chin and eyes wrinkle up when she laughs. But most of all, I think about her eyes; her crystal grey eyes which almost look blue. How they stared at me with careful words and wise thoughts. I can't get her out of my head. This is strange for me. I mean, I've never really been into girls. I've never cared. But this girl, she was different. She changed the way I look at Tecks altogether, even though I know all of them aren't like her. In a way, I trust her with everything I have in me. But in another way, she is still the enemy. She lives with Tecks. She is a Teck. They still have total
control over her and when I'm around her, I feel like I can't take my guard down for a minute. But I wonder; how can someone be so evil but look so much like an angel? Maybe it's my brain telling me to stay away from her, that she's only gonna get me and my family killed. But I know it's my heart telling me she's gonna change me, and everything I am. Maybe I made the wrong choice by telling her I'd meet her every Wednesday. But I can't go back now. I saw the despair in her eyes when she told me she has no one else to go to. And maybe this is an insane thought, but I think she needs me...maybe as much as I need her. I don't know. Maybe I'm insane. For all I know, she’s manipulated me to get information. But even if she did, I don't care. There’s one line, however, that she can't cross. One thing I know is this; I can't let my family get involved. I can't let them get in trouble. This is my choice, not theirs. The Tecks are not gonna hurt them for what I've done. There’s one thing that will always come before Willa...my sisters.

  I can't even open my eyes when I wake up. I can feel the sun blazing in on my bare back and I can smell eggs cooking. I hear Gabby and Cinda running around and screaming. I roll over and open my eyes. Seeing the sunlight is comforting. I realize that I haven’t seen the sun in almost three days. I dreamt about the Tecks, and The Wall and soldiers all night. But the only part I really remember is Willa.

  I force myself up as I run my hands through my hair. It’s Monday. Now I find myself counting down the days until Wednesday. I jerk myself to my feet and throw on a shirt. I drag my lazy body out the door and into the kitchen. My mood suddenly changes when I see the girls playing on the floor. I smile and scoop Cinda up before she sees me. She screams with excitement as I hug her tight and kiss her cheek. I then kneel down to hug Gabby. Gabe is sitting at the table, attempting to write down his full name.

  I walk by him, take one look at his work. It all looks like chicken scratch to me. But then again, he’s not very good. I'm not proud of my lack of schooling, but reading and writing are not that important when you’re working the land.