Divided

by Kaesey Stobaugh

  "Nathan, you’re not going anywhere." Her eyes are sad and weak.

  "Well, I'm not hiding and running sounds cowardly too."

  "It's not! I mean, you’re not running out of fear."

  "Is there a difference? Seriously, Willa, is there?"

  "What's the point of letting them take you? Of giving into them?"

  "Maybe because they'll kill my family if-"

  “What’s the point in saving them if they’re living in hell? What’s the point of any of that? I’d rather die than live like that!”

  I stare at her hard. She’s breathing heavily, trying to get control of herself, trying to hold back the tears I can see building up.

  I smile at her, almost laugh. I take a deep breath and speak to her in a soft voice. "Willamina Whistler, my life is not a living hell."

  Her eyebrows narrow and she frowns in confusion. I push myself down so that I'm lying on my back. Willa does the same. For a minute we both stare at the sky, at the stars.

  "Let me put it this way; Yes, I work sun up to sun down every day. I'm constantly sneaking around, stealing, lying, and cheating to get what I need. My parents have practically disowned me as their child. My siblings are starving most the time. I don't have the right tools to care for them the way I should. I need food and can't get it. I have nothing to my name. Yes, my life is pretty dark. It's black even. But there are stars. There are stars in my pitch black life, giving me hope and showing me light. They don't show up very often and they vanish just as quickly as they appear. But they give me hope, they make me happy. They make me remember why I still try every day. I hold onto those stars even after they've disappeared."

  She seems to understand exactly what I mean. "What are some of the stars in your life? Some that you hold close to."

  "Let’s see… Leila recovering was a star, getting a job was a star, and you were a star." She smiles, not looking up at me.

  I speak softer now, whispering, "There was one very bright star, a star that really caught my eye and forced me to stare at it. It shined without a sense of fear or worry. It's a very brave star. It's let me follow it for too long now. It's let me hang around to admire its glow. But now, I feel like the longer I stare, the more it fades. Its glow gets lost in the darkness that's followed me. And its bright light is now dimming. My magical, powerful, safe star is now getting lost in the darkness that I've brought. And I'm letting the black swallow my star because I don't know how to shield it. Now I fear that my star is almost drowned by the dark, and I can't stop it from falling." I don't know where all that is coming from but if Willa is smart, she’ll get the message. The message that I’m trying to send her about me and about her. And Willa is smart. She stares at me.

  Without breaking eye contact with me, she says, "Well, sometimes stars get lost in the sky. But they always find their way back."

  "My star might fall out of the sky. Shatter into a million tiny pieces when it strikes the ground. My eyes might never see its bright light again. But I'm also blinded by its shine and I'm afraid it might obstruct my view of everything."

  "Your eyes will adjust."

  "That's just it, I don't think they can."

  She looks at me hard. Her voice is now quiet and sleepy. "Nathan, are you trying to tell me that you’re carrying darkness with you that's going to kill me?"

  I pull away from her gaze and stare at the sky. "I'm trying to tell you that the choice you’re making to run off with me is insane and dangerous. For you, I'm dangerous. You'd be better off never thinking of me again. But I'm also trying to tell you that...I'm blind. And I don't know how I can go back to the way I was before. Before you."

  "You don't have to."

  She falls quiet then, so quiet that I forget she’s there. I watch the black night, alive with stars, walled by the tops of trees. The cloudy misty night fog takes over my body, shutting down my brain and putting me to sleep in seconds.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Willamina

  I wake up slowly, only slightly conscious. I don’t bother to open my eyes yet. I’m too comfortable, too content in my dreamy state to ruin my slumber now. Something’s off, I know that, but not in a bad way. As I come to a little more, I start to pick up on all the things that are wrong. I can hear birds. That’s not unusual, but they seem to be right above me. My room smells like leaves, moisture, and soil. My bed is extremely hard and my pillow, though comfortable, is too firm. Then I feel my pillow take a breath.

  My eyes fly open. I’m in the clearing, the log is above us, and my head is on Nate’s shoulder. I jump to my feet in panic, causing Nate to wake up suddenly. My heart beat is through the roof and I can’t catch my breath.

  Nate looks around him serenely, “Oh, did we stay out all night?”

  “Yes!” My voice comes out as a screech. “Oh no, oh no, oh no!”

  He pulls himself to his feet, squinting at the bright morning sun breaks through the gaps in the treetops, casting golden fire across his face.

  He grabs my upper arms and pulls me closer so that I have to look into his eyes. “Hey, breathe. Everything’s going to be okay. Nothing to worry about.”

  “Nothing to worry about? Raya wakes me up! I can’t be gone again! They’ll know something’s wrong!” I feel like I’m going to puke. If I get caught, so does Nate.

  “Calm down. Who’s Raya?” His voice is soothing but I can’t be calmed, not now.

  “My maid!” I scream at him. He flinches and lets go of my arms, but he doesn’t seem angry.

  “Okay, okay, we’ll figure it out. First we have to know what time it is.”

  I try to tell him that I left my watch at home but I can’t breathe. He tilts his head back and looks at the sun, which is far from being above us.

  “I’d say it’s between eight or eight-thirty.”

  I take a deep breath, “They might not know I’m gone yet.”

  “How much time do you think you have?”

  “An hour at the most, I’m sure.”

  “You should run. Get there as fast as possible.” I nod but after a moment of thought, he continues. “I’ll go with you. At least until we get out of the woods.”

  “You can’t! It’s too dangerous!”

  “Don’t worry; I’ll be far away from any people on your side. No one’s gonna see me and I’m not going to abandon you when you’re like this.”

  I understand what he means. I’m sure I look crazy and paranoid at the moment, so I give in. He takes my hand, gives it a little squeeze and we sprint into the forest.

  He’s very good at running. I watch his graceful muscled body as he races through the trees next to me. It’s much harder for me. I keep tripping on roots and mounds of dirt. I almost run into a tree more than once. Even while I can’t seem to swallow the rock of embarrassment in my throat, he doesn’t laugh at my clumsiness, he only strives to make the trip easier for me. Still, we manage to cut a normally twenty minute journey down to less than ten minutes.

  We stop when we see the tree line end in front of us. We’re both panting and out of breath, me more than him. When we’re recovered, he looks at me with a smile.

  “Thanks for listening last night.” He says.

  “Thanks for trusting me enough to tell me.”

  “I’m not entirely sure how much of all that made sense,” He continues, moving closer to me, “I’m afraid most of it might’ve been sleep deprivation, but then I’m also afraid I willingly gave part of my heart away.”

  I hold his gentle gaze, “I thought it was beautiful, no matter the reasons behind it.”

  Suddenly, the unbelievable happens. It all occurs so quickly that it takes me a moment to react. First, I see Nate’s eyes are overwhelmed with emotion in a way I’ve never seen before. Second, he pulls me into him and kisses me with enough fire and passion to take my breath away. And third, he lets go before I was ready for him to and steps back.

  I stand perfectly still, too shocked to respond in any way. His eyes are on the ground and he
looks like he might cry with frustration.

  “Willa, I’m sorry. I don’t know where that came from. I just-”

  I don’t let him finish. My hands find his shirt and pull him down to me. I kiss him the way I now realize I’ve wanted to for quite a while. I can tell by how tense he is that he’s the one shocked this time. Slowly, he relaxes. I feel his arms wrap around me. He’s warm and he makes me feel safe and, for perhaps the first time, truly loved.

  After a moment, we both pull away gently but we don’t let go. I lay my head on his shoulder and he runs his fingers through my hair.

  “Willamina Whistler, I think I might be in love with you.” He says softly into my ear.

  “I was thinking the same thing.” I reply.

  He laughs a little under his breath, “That’s it then. We’re officially in big trouble.”

  I laugh into his chest, feeling the most overwhelming captivity in him. I know now, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I would go anywhere with him, do anything for him, and I will always be there when he needs me. I have to convince him to escape into the wilderness with me. I will not lose him.

  After a few minutes of silent bliss, he starts to reluctantly loosen his hold on me, saying, “You have to get back before they find out you’re gone.”

  I nod even though I can’t imagine letting him out of my sight right now.

  “I’ll see you soon, don’t worry. Let’s meet up tonight.” He says after seeing my hesitation.

  “Okay.” I agree.

  After further inspection of my stability, and running a warm hand across my cheek, he adds, “Run, it’ll make it easier.”

  “Okay.” I agree again, waiting until after he plants a gentle kiss on my forehead before taking a step back and away from him.

  After forcing myself to turn my back on him and with a deep breath, I run out into the open. The panic sets in again. How much time did we just waste? Will I make it? I run as fast as I possibly can, past the business owners and early shoppers giving me odd looks, past the fountain, and all the way to the end of the government houses where we live. The farther back you live, the more important you are.

  I duck behind a tree in our front yard. Peaking around the trunk, I can see movement inside the windows. I don’t hear any outraged or worried voices and no one seems to be flying around the house in a state of agitation, so I hope that means no one has checked my room yet. I’m not sure how much time I have left but now I find I have a bigger problem. How on earth am I going to get into my room without being spotted?

  I walk around to the side of the house and proceed through the gate. Looking up, I can see my window…on the second floor. I have a crazy idea but I push it aside. I don’t want to think about that right now. I scan the yard. Come on, anything but that. I groan and turn back to my only option left; the trellis. It’s a beautiful ladder like structure with ivy curling up and around it. It climbs all the way to the roof of the manor and is positioned right next to my window. When I was young, I fantasized about climbing it but I never did because I didn’t want to break my neck. Also, I might have a tiny fear of heights. I’m scared out of my mind. What if I fall? What if I crack my skull open? It doesn’t matter. This has to be done.

  I grab hold of a plank of rough wood as far up as I can reach, then I step onto it. I climb slowly, even though I know my time is limited. I’d rather be late than dead. I have to look down to make sure I’m putting my feet in the right places and I nearly throw up every time. I go to take hold of the next plank but it snaps from the strain. I gasp and cling to the other plank that I’m holding. It takes me a minute to convince myself to continue. At last, I’m level with my window. It’s a good thing I always leave it open. I push it halfway open as best I can while keeping my balance. Getting in isn’t hard because the window is close to me, but the dizzying height doesn’t help. I fall to the floor ungracefully. A giddy laugh escapes my lips. I made it! I’m alive! But I can’t celebrate yet, there are still things to do. I pull off my dress and throw on my nightgown. I unlace my boots with a haste that even I’m impressed by, kicking them under the bed.

  Once I’ve dived into bed and pulled the covers up over my shoulders, I concentrate on attempting to look tired. The problem with that is I’ve never been more awake. I remember the feeling of Nate’s lips against mine, how secure I felt when he held me. He loves me and I love him. I’ll do whatever it takes to keep us together. And to think that if I hadn’t decided to take a walk that early morning not long ago, I’d have never known him. He would’ve run right past my house, never once looking up through my window to fantasize about me. I can’t imagine my life without him now.

  Raya walks in then with her usual smile, “Good morning, Miss Willamina.”

  And so the waiting begins…

  It’s night again and I’m in our clearing, sitting on the log. I can’t wait to see him. I couldn’t get my mind off him all day. Well, more so than usual. I wondered if he was thinking about me, if he was working too hard, if his siblings were behaving, and if his mother was paying attention to them. All day, I wondered. I wondered if he’d kiss me again when he arrived. I wondered if he’d lie down with me in the rich, cold soil under our log. Maybe he’d hold me all night again. Maybe he’d explain the stars to me. And now, finally, it’s time to stop wondering. But Nate hasn’t shown up.

  It’s thirty minutes past midnight and I’m starting to worry. He’s never been late before. Worries that I don’t really believe start to torment me. What if he regrets his decision to get involved with me as anything more than friends? What if he decided the best thing to do was ditch me, never to come back?

  No. I shove those evil thoughts away. He loves me. But now the realistic worries set in. What if the guards took him away early? What if something happened while he was working and he got hurt? What if something happened to his family? I tell myself not to panic. There’s no reason to suspect anything yet. But it doesn’t help. The minutes tick by and I’m alone with all of my fears. I remembered to bring a watch this time, just in case. I glance at it every two seconds. An hour passes, then two, now three. Something’s happened, I know it.

  In the solitude of the woods, I cry till dawn.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Nathan

  The sound of birds singing their praises slightly wakes me but I don’t dare open my eyes, not yet. The sun is glaring through my closed eyelids. I know once I open them I’ll really wake up. I’m refusing to face my day. I’m not ready yet, I’m not ready to wake up to another day of waiting. I don’t want my dream to end, my beautiful dream of bright stars under the moonlight. The faded sounds of the river, the rustling grass blowing gently from the cool night wind. And Willa, of course, Willa’s always in my dreams now.

  My senses slowly start to kick in. My eyelids are still weightless, but I can imagine that my eyesight would kick in if I were to open them. Then my hearing and those stupid birds are driving me crazy. Why are they so loud? I mean, it doesn’t surprise me that I can hear them. They’re usually making a racket right outside my window in the morning but something feels wrong this time. They’re much louder than normal. With that realization, my sense of smell occurs to me. My room smells like dirt. But there’s plenty of reasons for that; my boots, dirty clothes I probably threw off last night when I came home, maybe I tracked dirt in with me…I don’t know. But through the odor of dirt and soil, I can smell the lovely fragrance of Willa’s coat. It must be draped over me for me to be able to smell it this strongly. Then my sense of touch makes itself know to me and I notice that my right arm is numb and tingly but my left…feels heavy. Like, something is lying on top of it. That’s when I realize my whole left side has pressure on it. I slowly move my arm and feel the heavy pressure breathe in deeply. I find myself gently rubbing the back of the person sleeping on my shoulder. Then my brain finally turns on with the thought, holy cow, it’s Willa.

  Suddenly, the pressure is lifted with haste, almost pushing me over, and the spee
d in her movement makes me start. I jerk my eyes open and embrace the overwhelming burn to my eyes from the sun. Looking around finally, I see I’m still on Willa’s side of The Wall and so is Willa who looks panicked and stunned.

  “Oh, did we stay out all night?” My voice is sleepy.

  “Yes!” She screams down at me, “Oh no, oh no, oh no!” Her eyes are wide as she scans the clearing. She starts muttering in a high pitched voice.

  “Hey, breathe. Everything’s going to be okay. Nothing to worry about.” Her arm movements and the crazy look in her eyes worry me so I grab her arms and make her look at me.

  “Nothing to worry about? Raya wakes me up! I can’t be gone again! They’ll know something’s wrong!” She looks like she’s about to pass out.

  “Calm down. Who’s Raya?”

  “My maid!” She snaps. I let her go.

  Keeping my face calm, I try to sooth her but she can’t be comforted. I figure out the time is somewhere between eight and eight-thirty. That seems to calm her down when she learns she still has an hour or so. I offer to walk back with her but she refuses. I say offer but I really mean I’m telling her I’m coming with her. She still seems worried so I take her hand and lead her through the forest.

  We take off at a run. I don’t want her getting caught, that means we’re both dead. I end up dragging her behind me because she can’t keep up with my experienced running abilities. She trips more than once and stumbles on roots. I don’t mind it so much; it reminds me how different she is, fragile and delicate. I still can’t help but smile at the fact that her hand fits perfectly in mine.