Finding Forgiveness pp-1

by Dana Marie Bell

  God, he had to get away from here before he did something epically stupid, like grab the man, bend him to his will through force and mark him whether he liked it or not. A huge source of Dave’s stress would be relieved at that point, but he was certain that solution would just lead to a different kind of stress. One he might not be able to live with.

  Forcing his mark on a man who held him in contempt would be tantamount to rape. Dave would rather run from the Pack, an Outcast, than do that.

  No. He’d go away for a while, figure things out on his own and decide what he was going to do. One thing was certain. Nothing would ever be the same again.

  The huge SUV Rick used for Pack purposes finally made an appearance at the end of the drive. Dave closed his eyes, praying that Belle and Rick would take pity on him. He needed to go, and soon. The pain in his head mirrored the pain in his heart. At least he now had an idea why Ben wanted nothing to do with him, but his head hurt too badly to really think about it.

  “Dave?” He opened his eyes to find Chela, the Pack Omega, standing in front of him. She’d pushed Ben out of the way, her small frame belying the inner core of strength she possessed. “You need to go inside.”

  Ben snorted. “Yeah. Run inside, Dave.”

  Chela turned on him, a fierce mother Wolf protecting her pup. “Fuck off, Ben.”

  Ben blinked, shocked. “What?”

  “Dave, get your ass back in the house. And Ben, just get lost. Now.”

  “You don’t give me orders!”

  Dave moaned, unable to stop himself. Ben could shout almost as loud as Rick when he wanted to.

  “In this instance? Yes. I do. This concerns my bailiwick and you’re stepping all over it.” As Omega she was in charge of the emotional and psychic well-being of the Pack, which meant she knew all about the heartache and frustration he constantly lived with. She was one of only a few who fully understood how broken Dave’s heart was. “Now get your ass gone, cabrón.”

  If Dave had it in him he would have laughed. Chela didn’t break out the Spanish curses very often, but when she did the rest of them tended to pay attention. The Omega was rapidly losing patience with the Marshall, and if he didn’t listen to her Ben would be dealing with more than one kind of headache. She was more than capable of teaching him the error of his ways. Calling him a bastard was just a warning; soon she’d break out the big guns. Whatever happened to her victim when she did that, Dave didn’t want to ever experience. He’d seen the results from the outside more than once and had no desire to find out what it was she did to them.

  Ben darted a glance at him but he barely acknowledged it. Why should he? The remorse he saw there would soon be replaced with contempt again, and Dave was tired of facing that day in and day out. Even so, some innate part of him, the one that still, despite everything, refused to give up hope, pushed his mate to obey so the Omega would have no reason to punish him.

  “Go.” He pushed, using his powers, forcing Ben to move. He’d pay for it—oh how he’d pay for it—but if he had to look at Ben one more moment he’d either punch the other man or start crying. Or worse, Chela would follow through in her implied threat, something Dave didn’t want to live with.

  He couldn’t bear to see his mate truly hurt. Better to force his will on him this way than have him face some nightmare only he could see.

  Ben hissed in pain, his shoulders hunched, his fists clenched in his hair. “Dave?” The look of pure shock and dismay on his face would stay with Dave for a long time.

  Chela’s eyes narrowed as Ben fought his Beta’s order.

  “GO!” Dave roared, pouring all his power into the command. The vicious pounding in his head increased to unbearable levels as he forced the Marshall to do his bidding.

  Ben went, running. Thank God.

  Dave collapsed, vomiting on the steps, his whole body wracked with spasms so strong he pissed himself while he heaved. That was how his Alpha found him, on his knees and in so much pain he was blinded by it.

  They settled him into the SUV without a word and started back down the mountain.

  Chapter Two

  “How is he?” Ben didn’t even look up at the doorway to his office, guilt riding him with red-hot spurs. He hadn’t been able to force himself to go to the hospital to see Dave. He knew what he’d find there. Hell, he’d seen his father in that position often enough. There’d be excuses and tears, maybe a lot of anger, but no real change.

  Alcoholics never changed, not until they acknowledged what they were.

  Still, it hurt something deep inside to know his mate hurt that badly and there was nothing he could do about it.

  “I want to see you in my office, Ben.”

  Ben blanched. Rick’s voice was lethal. He looked up to find icy blue eyes fixed on him, the tension in his Alpha’s muscles all too apparent. Rick was spoiling for a fight and looking at his Marshall like he was the punching bag. “Yes, sir.” Ben put his pen down and followed Rick into the Alpha’s office. He stopped short when he saw Chela, Ted, Belle and Jamie Howard, the Halle Puma’s doctor, seated in the room. “Rick?”

  Rick moved to his desk but kept his back to Ben. Not good. “If this wasn’t a mate thing I’d be Outcasting you right now.”

  Ben’s knees shook. Outcast? Him? What the hell? “May I ask why?”

  Rick’s fist slammed down on the desk as he turned on his Marshall. “WHY?” Ben flinched. “My best friend and Beta is in the hospital because of you, and it’s not the first time!”

  Something, the indefinable it that made Ben the Poconos Pack Marshall, cracked under the lash of Rick’s anger. From the widening of Rick’s eyes he felt it too, felt that first tentative break in the Alpha-Marshall relationship. Ted gasped, his Second also feeling a minute break in their relationship.

  Ben was terrified for more than his mate now. If Rick Outcast him, nothing would save him. The Pack was all that kept him sane in the face of his mate’s addiction.

  “Rick, allow me.”

  Ben swallowed. Belle, the Poconos Luna, was smiling at him with that inane, vacuous look that meant she was contemplating something mean and probably painful. Her blonde hair was mussed, like she’d been running her hands through the thick, shoulder-length mass. Her green eyes were blank and sparkling.

  He was in for a world of hurt. When Belle looked this innocent heads rolled. Or wished they’d rolled. His eyes automatically scanned her hands, searching for the air horn she usually carried.

  Rick glared at him before nodding. He remained standing, all of his attention centered on Ben and Belle. His shoulders were tensed as if…

  Fuck. He thinks I’m going to hurt Belle. What the hell was going on?

  “Ben?” Seemingly delicate fingers snapped in front of his face, but Ben knew better. Those fingers could grow into sharp claws in an instant. “Look at me, Benny.”

  Ben turned his attention to his Luna. Belinda “Belle” Lowell was arguably the most dangerous member of the Pack, and she wasn’t even Wolf. She was a Puma, and a former member of the Halle Pride. She limped toward him, the tap-tap-tap of her cane loud in the otherwise silent room. “You’ve been a very naughty boy, Benny.”

  Ben saw movement behind the Luna. Rick was handing everyone but him earplugs.

  Oh, crap.

  Belle patted his cheek, her claws out enough that he could feel the sharp tips. “Someone I care about is very sick, and you did this to him.”

  He felt compelled to answer. This wasn’t the first time he’d felt the blame for someone else’s alcoholism. “He’s the only one who can stop drinking, Belle. I can’t force him to.”

  Everyone in the room froze. From the stunned, even astonished looks on everyone’s faces, apparently they didn’t know Dave was an alcoholic.

  “WHAT?” Rick roared. Ben’s eyes crossed. Damn, his Alpha was loud. “Dave is not a drunk!”

  Denial. He’d seen it before in loved ones, but he knew better. “Rick, he’s hung over a lot.”

  Belle’s e
yes were narrowed. Fury rode her features. “Have you smelled alcohol on his breath?”

  “No.” Because he never allowed himself to get close enough. If he did he was afraid he’d shake the man. God, how could Dave do that to himself? To Ben? It was better to just stay away.

  “When was the last time you saw Dave with an alcoholic drink?” He opened his mouth to respond, but Belle stopped him. “And I mean you were one hundred percent, no way to confuse Coke for rum and Coke, positive.”

  He realized he didn’t know for certain, other than the night of the Alpha pair’s mating celebration over a year ago. But as she’d said, it was so easy to hide alcohol in something much more innocuous looking. Hell, his father had been a master, a fucking virtuoso at hiding his drinking. “I don’t know.”

  “Belle, hold on. Maybe it would help if I explained a few things to him.” Finally, the one person in the room he’d be able to relate to. Dr. Howard took a step forward, placing a hand on Belle’s shoulder. “If it comes from me he might be able to understand it a little bit better, especially if he’s been laboring under the delusion that Dave’s an alcoholic.”

  Ben gaped at the doctor. He had the sinking feeling that the foundation of his world was about to be rocked to its core. “What’s going on?”

  “David Maldonado does not suffer from alcoholism. In fact, his condition is exacerbated by the consumption of alcoholic beverages.”

  Everything within Ben froze in horror. Condition.

  Condition?

  “What’s wrong with my mate?”

  Belle laughed, the sound harsh. “Oh, so now he’s your mate.”

  He closed his eyes. He deserved that. If Dave’s headaches were caused by something other than what he’d thought…if all the different ways he’d shoved the man away had actually made things worse, the way Rick had implied…he deserved a lot more than the Luna’s scorn. “Doc?”

  “Do you know what a migraine is?”

  “A migraine?” Ben frowned. Is that all that was wrong with Dave? “It’s a bad headache.”

  The doctor sighed. “Yeah. That’s what most people think and, in typical cases, they’d be right.” He settled on the edge of Rick’s desk, his hands on either side of his hips. His blond hair gleamed in the light streaming in from the window behind him, giving him a halo effect. “Migraines are a lot more common in women than in men, and people who don’t suffer from them think they’re just headaches. Sometimes they even misdiagnose the problem and think they’re sinus headaches when they’re actually migraines. Those are the ones that are the most common. What Dave suffers from goes a lot deeper than that.”

  Ben gestured toward the empty chair in front of Rick’s desk, relieved when his Alpha nodded his consent. It was either sit on the chair or collapse on the floor. “I’ve felt what Dave feels, and they’re more than ‘just’ headaches.”

  “David suffers from unusually bad migraines, the kind you hear about and wonder how someone can live through them. Left untreated they can lead to much more serious problems.”

  Ben felt the blood drain from his face. He’d felt the migraines, known the pain Dave was in. “You said I made them worse.”

  Jamie nodded. “Yeah. Stress is one of Dave’s triggers.”

  Triggers. Like Ben had shot him. “What other things trigger Dave’s migraines?”

  “Sodium nitrates seem to be one of the main culprits. Hot dogs, lunchmeat, red wine—they all contain sodium nitrates. Dave can’t eat them at all or he runs the risk of getting sick.”

  Ben nodded. He’d see to it that Dave never touched another fucking hot dog as long as he lived. “What else?”

  “We’re not sure. Even eliminating most of the sodium nitrates from his diet doesn’t seem to have lessened the severity of the migraines. Common triggers can be controllable things, like reducing stress levels, avoiding certain foods like alcohol and aspartame. Or they can be uncontrollable, like weather changes. With the severity of Dave’s migraines the most we can hope for is to reduce their frequency and the intensity with which they strike. All I know for certain is he’s got to be under more stress than he’s letting on.”

  Ben felt that right down to his soul. “Which means it’s my fault he’s in the hospital right now.” He’d done more than stress the Beta out. He’d essentially pointed the gun at Dave’s head and pulled that particular trigger.

  “Damn straight,” Rick growled.

  Ben accepted that. He closed his eyes, the pain of what he’d forced his mate to suffer washing through him. “This has been going on since he was fifteen?” When the doctor nodded again Ben damn near moaned like a wounded animal. “When can I see him?” He had a lot of making up to do. It would serve him right if Dave wanted nothing more to do with him. He’d treated the man like shit for all the wrong reasons, when he should have been trying to help him through his suffering.

  Damn it. Once again the memory of his father had tainted something that was supposed to be good. How could he have been so stupid?

  “Dave doesn’t want you at the hospital, and I agree with him.” Ben accepted the doctor’s words. He’d have to wait until Dave returned to begin making amends. “You could inadvertently add to the stress. Right now I’ve got him on tranquilizers, pain relievers and anti-nausea medication, and we’re monitoring him due to the increased risk of stroke. He’s been rehydrated intravenously.”

  Thank God he was sitting down, because he was shaking so badly there was no way his legs could have held him. “What do you mean, stroke?” His voice was shaking. Holy hell, this was a lot more serious than Rick and Belle had let on.

  “Dave’s official diagnosis is status migrainosus. The blood vessels in his brain are dilated, which increases the risk of stroke.”

  He put his head between his knees. In about two seconds he’d be joining his mate in the hospital.

  “We’ve got things under control but I don’t need his treatment disrupted. He’s calm, the pain is manageable and he’s conscious.”

  “Are you sure I can’t see him?” If anything happened to Dave (anything more, his conscience growled) he’d never forgive himself.

  “He specifically requested that you be kept away.” Ben winced, his wolf howling in despair. “I’m sorry, but you two aren’t mated. From what I understand you’ve denied the mating several times already.”

  “My father was an alcoholic. A rotten one. I thought…” He sighed. “It doesn’t matter what I thought. I should have known.”

  “You should have asked.” Rick sat behind the desk, the fury gone from his face, replaced by concern. Rick was one of the few who knew about Ben’s childhood. One of Rick’s first official acts as Alpha had been to Outcast Walter Malone.

  Ben could already feel the soothing balm of Rick’s acceptance, knew the Alpha had begun to forgive him. The way Belle was studying him, he knew he’d have more explaining to do to the Luna and the rest of the Pack leaders. How would he explain to them about the hell his father had put him through? There were few scars on his skin, but there were more than enough scars on his soul.

  “We’ve been doing what we can to keep Dave healthy, but you need to stop pushing him.”

  “Yeah. I get that.” He scrubbed the back of his head before sitting up. “What’s his treatment going to be? How do we get this under control other than diet and stress reduction?”

  The doc shook his head. “I can’t share that with you.”

  “Because he told you not to?”

  “Because you’re not his mate, so doctor-patient privilege applies.”

  Ben took a deep breath and leashed the growling wolf within. “I’ll be rectifying that situation as soon as possible.”

  “No. You won’t.” Rick leaned forward. “The doc said no stress, so I’m telling you. You will not stress out my Beta any more than you already have. I find out you’ve pushed anything on him or forced him into something, and I swear to God I will Outcast you so fast you’ll bounce down the mountain.”

  Be
n swallowed hard. Each and every person in the room blamed him for what was happening to Dave. Including himself. “The headaches started when he was fifteen. Why has it taken so long to figure out what’s wrong with him?”

  Rick leaned back with a sigh. “You remember how much of an isolationist my grandfather was.” Rick’s grandfather, the old Alpha, had been unwilling to even discuss going outside the Pack for anything. Maybe if Rick’s father had lived it would have been different. Rumor had it Roger Lowell could talk his father into just about anything. But Roger and his mate had died in a car accident while Rick was still a baby, and Rick’s grandfather had completely closed the Pack off from the outside world. “He thought simply shifting back and forth would solve Dave’s problems. No way he’d let Dave go see a doctor no matter how much Dave’s folks pleaded with him. Hell, I got punished more than once for trying to get the old man to relent. He was convinced channeling his wolf would fix everything that was wrong with Dave.”

  It hadn’t. The headaches had grown worse over the years. That was one of the reasons Ben had been so certain they were hangovers. That and the fact that he’d caught the man drunk on a few occasions. Thinking back he realized he could count on the fingers of one hand the times Dave must have truly been drunk. Could those strange, floaty times when Dave’s head pounded and he seemed so disconnected have been associated with the migraines?

  “Now that we have access to a doctor we’re finding out more and more about what’s wrong with him. It never occurred to me to take the man’s hot dogs away.” Rick winced, because Dave did love his hot dogs. Come summertime you could find him with one in his hand and a can of soda in the other, laughing and having a good time.

  Despite everything Ben had done to shove Dave away the other Wolf had remained a decent human being, playful and fun-loving. He’d caught Dave’s wistful looks, the longing there plain to see, but he’d turned away from it over and over again.

  No more. Dave was his mate, and he was hurting, and it was past time for Ben to do something about it.

  “That’s all I can tell you without permission.” Jamie shrugged. “Until the two of you resolve your mating issues, there’s nothing more I can do.”