Lawful Heart

by Amity Lassiter

  It was in that moment that Layla and Nate came back into the waiting room. Layla stopped up immediately, one brow jerked upward, clearly sensing they’d walked into something she had no intention of finding.

  She cleared her throat and took the coffee Carter had extended, her gaze fixated on Norah.

  “Is everything okay?”

  “Well that’s a loaded question,” Banks said with a terse chuckle.

  “Yes,” Norah said, proud that her voice didn’t quiver even a little. She got to her feet. “How is she?”

  “There was a nurse in with her,” Nate interjected. “She couldn’t say if Nan would wake tonight. There’s no reason for you girls to stay, I don’t think. You might as well get some sleep in a comfortable bed and Layla can drive you back in the morning.”

  “Why don’t you go with them, Nate?” Banks countered. “I’ll take the first shift and call you if anything comes up.”

  Leaving didn’t feel right, but Norah didn’t want to overstay her welcome, either. If there was even any welcome left at this point. She was, after all, merely a distraction.

  —THIRTY-NINE—

  With the waiting room cleared, Banks finished his coffee and headed back into Nan’s room. He settled into the chair at her bedside. He’d missed a lot already, so there was no way he was going to miss her waking up. He might have preferred to be at home in a warm bed curled up against Norah’s back, but his preferences didn’t get to have a say. They hadn’t since he’d taken office. He’d been stupid to let them over the last couple of months, and now look where he’d ended up.

  He’d hated to hurt Norah. She didn’t deserve that. The brave, smooth face she’d presented had just about crushed him, but he couldn’t have expected anything any different. She was tough as nails; it was what had drawn him to her in the first place. There was no reason for her to be any different in this moment than she had been when she’d been abandoned by that shit stain, and here he’d done something equally heinous.

  His heart twisted. He should have been with her. But Nan was here. What the hell else could he have done? It was just a bad hand that Rob had shown up when he did. Like the universe giving him a swift kick in the guts to remind him where his loyalty, and priority, was meant to be. He couldn’t be a personal white knight when he was busy looking after the whole damn kingdom.

  He settled into the chair and pulled it up by Nan’s bedside. It would be a long night, but it was penance for what he’d done, taking his eyes off what mattered most. Well that wasn’t going to happen again.

  *

  Norah was relieved to get back out of Nate’s truck and step into the quiet, dark apartment. The entire ride had been silent, but she could feel the pressing tension of Layla’s unanswered questions in the air, and she just didn’t want to have to say it out loud. She needed time to process the whole thing, on her own.

  And she would…until she opened the door and came face to face with the damn crib in the middle of the living room. A big, loud sob she didn’t expect ripped right out of her chest, and then all of the fear and anxiety hit her with a vengeance. Tears and sobs came out of her unbidden, and she sidestepped the crib, shutting herself in the bedroom without hesitation, closing the door tightly behind her, and crawling up into the bed.

  She’d been vulnerable. She’d trusted Banks and let herself fall for him despite knowing better. She couldn’t help but feel like he had taken advantage of that, gotten in close to her heart so she couldn’t see the knife when it slipped in. It can’t have been a surprise to him that she was a ‘distraction’, and she didn’t deserve what he’d done tonight.

  The saddest, most pathetic and hopeful part of her said that maybe his mind would be clearer in the morning, or once Nan woke up, but her rational brain told her that was ridiculous. She wasn’t anything special, least of all for him, nothing more than a distraction—he’d all but said it. Norah wasn’t the kind of girl that men changed their lives for. She was convenient until she wasn’t. That’s how she’d ended up in this godforsaken town to begin with.

  And then she’d let herself believe she had a future here in Three Rivers. That she could belong. That she had a plan, and a team. If Nan didn’t come around, she’d be without the major foundation of her pipe dream of staying here. She was stuck here, without having anyone, really, and those she did have, had a loyalty to Banks, not her. So if he decided she was too much of a distraction for him, maybe she wouldn’t be good enough for the people he cared about either.

  She buried her face in her pillow and let out a scream. It hurt so damn much she wanted to rip her heart right out of her chest so she could stop feeling the pain of his rejection. Just for a minute. None of this was fair. She’d taken a step out and opened herself up just to have yet another door slammed in her face.

  Breathing deeply through the pillow she stilled, worked hard and calmed her hyperventilating sobs.

  No, this isn’t who I am.

  She wasn’t the sad girl who begged. She might want desperately to be with Banks, but she would never.

  Lots of people put down roots in places where they had nobody else. She’d learned new things in her position at the sheriff’s office and she could apply those to a new job. Scrimp and save and get an apartment without depending on Nan’s generosity. She’d gotten enough things from the baby shower to likely do her and Jellybean for a while.

  She could make this work. She’d have to make it work. Maybe not here, maybe somewhere else. She wouldn’t let herself fall apart because some man didn’t want her. Even if she wanted that man so badly her whole body ached knowing he wouldn’t be spooning up to her back like he had so many nights in the last couple of weeks.

  The adrenaline of the whole day was finally draining out of her, leaving her bone tired in a way she hadn’t been in some time. She drew a breath, rolled onto her back, wiped her face and closed her eyes, to fall almost immediately into a dreamless sleep.

  —FORTY—

  The air in the room changed. Banks knew he hadn’t heard anything, but he sat up out of a dead sleep, only to find Nan peacefully still, the room quiet and dark, just as it had been when he’d dozed off. Nate had called after dropping off Norah and Banks had insisted there was no need for both of them to get no sleep; he’d call him if anything happened.

  Something was happening.

  Shit. This is it.

  His heart racing, he got to his feet, prepared to call for a nurse.

  Nan’s eyes fluttered open the next second.

  Her face cracked into a smile. Banks felt his heart drop straight to his feet. He’d expected something different, and here this obstinate old matriarch was smiling up at him as if she hadn’t had him scared to death she was gone just seconds earlier.

  He couldn’t stop the laugh that bubbled out of him. He grabbed her hand, gave it a squeeze.

  “Jesus, Nan, you gave us quite a scare.”

  “Oh I just needed a rest,” she said, cheeky. Just like Nan. Apparently it was going to take a lot more to take her out than this spell.

  “Can I get you anything? Water? Do you need the nurse?”

  She shook her head, her eyes having already regained that knowing spark they always held. As if nothing had happened at all. Maybe she had just needed a rest. Goddamnit, Nan.

  “I’m fine. Where is everyone else?”

  “One, you’re not fine. Two, it’s—” he paused, checking his watch. “seven am. I sent Nate and Layla home last night so they could get some rest and said I’d call them if anything happened.”

  “Oh, you thought I was going to die,” she said with a little chuckle, then shook her head. “Answer my question.”

  His brow furrowed.

  “I did.”

  “I said everyone else.”

  Ah. Norah. He might have forgotten about it while he slept, only to have strange dreams about his parents and Nan, all of them in a car accident, slipping under the cold water of the river while he stood by, unable to help. Truthful
ly, he might have had a better rest with Norah on his mind, even despite what he’d done to her last night.

  Damnit, Nan.

  “You should have told me about all of this, Nan. I’ve been so busy and distracted. I should have known this was going on with you and been here to help you.”

  “Don’t be silly. If I wanted your help, I would have asked you, Banks. Besides, it was kind of nice to watch you building a life of your own. A family,” she said, pointedly. “Since you’re not picking up what I’m laying down here. Where is Norah?”

  She wasn’t asking where Norah was physically—it was obvious she wasn’t there, but Nan was clearly picking up something he hadn’t been laying down. Not on purpose anyways.

  “Look, I—we broke it off.”

  One of Nan’s brows jerked upward, typical Nan sass, even moments after waking up from an extended period of unconsciousness. Her body might fail her but Nan’s attitude endured.

  “I just…you, and this town, and my horses, those are my main focuses. I lost sight of all that, because all I could see was Norah and the baby, and what that life would look like. I abandoned all the responsibility I already had.”

  Nan didn’t say a word, just kept him locked in her gaze, that one brow still arched high and sassy.

  “What Nan?”

  He frowned, clasped his hands together. When he said it out loud, it sounded stupid. But in reality, it made sense. Here she was in a hospital bed with a pre-existing condition he should have known about. He was spending less time at the ranch with his horses. He was sure something was slipping at the office, between the time he spent with her and the distraction she was in the office. Fair or not, he had obligations he had to fulfill.

  “You’re an idiot.”

  She’d called him an idiot a dozen times before but this smarted a little. He was, after all, the most concerned about her and her health. While he was still trying to formulate a response, she spoke again.

  “That’s what falling in love is like, dummy.”

  He narrowed his eyes at his grandmother—her body might look frail inside the moment, but her personality was, of course, bursting at the seams. It was an outrageous thing, typical of her to say. And she was wrong. He cared about Norah, loved her, but you could love someone without losing sight of everything else. That part was his own personal failing. He swallowed, shook his head.

  “It’s too much. I don’t have room for another part in my life that consuming.

  “You can handle it all,” she said, nodding her head with brows raised, convincing. “I know you can. I raised you so that you could. What’s the point of a life if it isn’t full? Robust? Sometimes you’re so busy you think your head might fall off, but it’s worth it. Love—to love and to be loved is worth it. It’s the only thing worth doing in your life.”

  Banks’ heart felt like it was in a vise. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to be with Norah. He just couldn’t see any way to make it work, no matter what kind of positive spin Nan put on it, in typical Nan fashion. And the things he had already put onto his plate were critical, too big and important and valuable to risk losing for something else.

  “Besides, I don’t want you breathing down my neck every day. Let me die in peace.”

  “Nan!” That was alarming.

  “Eventually,” she said, with a chuckle. “I’m not even close to ready, yet. I’m looking forward to two new great grandbabies. You’re not getting rid of me anytime soon.”

  —FORTY-ONE—

  Norah woke with Jellybean’s toes jammed just under her diaphragm. Almost immediately, she could feel the emptiness in the house. Every other morning she had known Nan was above her, even if she couldn’t hear her, bustling about her day. Knowing there was no coffee brewing, and there’d be no friendly knock on her door telling her to come up to get some food in her belly was disconcerting.

  And then there was Banks.

  What the hell happened yesterday?

  In just a few short hours she’d stood up to her demons, run them off, and then had the rug swept right out from under her feet. She was still reeling, and despite the resolve she’d had last night, she needed a reminder to be as brave and strong as she had been the night before.

  She got up, because lying in bed wouldn’t help a damn thing, and got into the shower. Might as well get the day going. It would help to remind her she was capable, and strong. It seemed like what Nan would tell her to do.

  I’ll go it alone if I have to, she thought. That had been the original plan anyway.

  She got out, dried off, and walked out into the open part of the apartment to turn on the coffee maker while she got dressed. Only to come face to face with the big, beautiful crib Banks had shown her not twenty four hours earlier. He’d said there was room for it at his place—if that wasn’t an invitation to get serious, she wasn’t sure what. And now here she was, and he’d done an about face in no time at all. The air sucked right out of her lungs.

  No. You don’t have time for this. You don’t have energy for this.

  She shored up her tears and straightened her spine, pulling out her cell. There was a brief, unexpected flurry of hope in her stomach when she thought that there could be a text from Banks, but let out a breath when there were no new notifications. Of course.

  Instead, she sent a quick text to Layla to check if there were any updates, and asked if she could give her a ride into town.

  Layla showed up about two minutes after Norah had finished her coffee and a couple of scrambled eggs.

  In the car, Norah could again feel Layla’s pressing, but silent questions.

  “I’m heading into Johnston shortly, if you want to come,” Layla finally said to break the silence.

  “I…don’t think that’s a good idea.”

  Norah wished she would have felt welcome there. Hanging around wasn’t going to help her resolve to move forward with confidence, though. Layla had replied to her earlier text saying Banks had called this morning to tell them Nan had woken and seemed to be fine. There could be more testing, but the doctor was cautiously optimistic. Norah was relieved, and there wasn’t much else she wanted besides to be there, but she’d decided that if she couldn’t be with this part of her Three Rivers family, she’d visit Gloria.

  Her aunt was good at putting things into perspective. She’d at least have some of the right things to say to help Norah through the next steps of her plans, especially if she stayed here in Three Rivers.

  Layla pulled up in front of the villa and put the car in park. She looked across the cab to Norah and pressed her lips together.

  “I don’t know what happened with you and Banks, but you’re a part of our family now, I hope you know that. You are as welcome at the hospital as Nate or I are. Nan would love to see you.”

  And she’d have loved to have seen Nan, but she wasn’t going to press Banks, either. Sure, she wanted to be there, with him, a part of their family like Layla said she was, but she was building her contingency plan not to be. Time, and space were the only way to do it.

  “Thank you, send her my love. Maybe tomorrow,” she said, then climbed out of the car.

  She hadn’t called ahead to Gloria, so she wasn’t sure her aunt would expect or even welcome her, but this was the most logical place to go. And it didn’t have that big damn crib in the middle of it, sucking all the air out of the room and all the hope out of her heart. A change of scenery wouldn’t hurt her at all.

  She paused, took a breath, and knocked.

  “It’s open!” her aunt called from inside.

  She pushed the door open. The small apartment smelled of cinnamon and sugar. Snickerdoodles. Norah would have recognized it a mile away. Gloria’s signature cookies. She’d had many knock offs over the years, trying to relive the warm, crumbly sweetness that felt like a hug. Gloria made them all year round, but they were much more common to find around Christmas. She’d finally concluded, after years of searching, that it was the love that made the cookies taste so damn
good.

  These cookies were probably the number one thing she needed in her life right now.

  “Oh Norah!” Gloria’s enthusiasm felt raw on Norah’s tender heart, but then her aunt crossed the floor, tea towel over her shoulder as it always was when she baked, and flung her arms around Norah as if she hadn’t just seen her yesterday. “I’m so happy to see you. I heard about Nan. Is there any news?”

  “Layla said Banks called this morning and she woke up, so that’s good,” Norah started, trying to determine how she could sit here in Gloria’s living room and not spill every detail. “I don’t think they know anything for sure yet, but the fact that she woke up is promising.”

  “Sure is. I’ll pray for her.”

  “I think the whole family would appreciate that, Gloria.”

  Her aunt had always had that—Norah imagined it must be nice to have faith, but every move her family had made, every stark-walled apartment, kids picking on her in school, and can of soup for dinner had sucked the faith right out of Norah. Still, it was comforting to know that it meant something for other people.

  “Can I get you some coffee and a cookie?”

  Norah’s stomach growled in response.

  “I thought you’d never ask.”

  “You’ve been here all of two minutes,” her aunt laughed. “Now sit down and let me feed you and that baby you’re building.”

  Norah laughed.

  “All I think about is food.”

  Gloria chuckled, moving about the kitchen to bring a cup of coffee and a plate with four snickerdoodles on it. Norah wasted no time taking a bite. Immediately, she closed her eyes and let out a sigh of relief. Her world might be upside down for the second time in as many months, but this cookie gave her a stable foundation.

  Her aunt sat down opposite her with her own cookie and coffee and asked the question Norah had hoped she wouldn’t ask.

  “So how is Banks dealing with all this, anyways?”

  Her heart felt skewered, but Norah straightened her spine and tipped her head up, swallowing her bite of cookie.