by Paula Kay
She jumped out of bed and into the shower. She was determined to get a few hours of some work done before dinner. It was time. She was ready to settle in and get to the business of what she’d come there for—time for herself. Fine if she made some friends and had occasional meetings in cafes, but this trip was really for learning more about herself.
She settled in at her desk and opened up her laptop. She did a quick search for the name of the retreat center that Fai had written down for her. And then she got lost in reading all about the offerings and programs. Most of them were silent retreats that included schedules and periods of meditation and fasting. She could learn more about Buddhism from monks. For all of the programs, phones and computers were highly discouraged and there wasn’t easy access to wi-fi, although it did exist for emergency situations.
It was interesting to think about—living in silence without technology at her fingertips. She couldn’t imagine if this would be a good thing for her or something that would drive her absolutely crazy. If she trusted Fai—and for some reason, she really did—the retreat could be exactly the thing she needed right now.
Chapter 20
Isabella watched out the window as the taxi driver made his way up a fairly steep hill. The retreat center was a good hour’s drive from town, and she was really enjoying the countryside. She’d booked herself in for seven nights—something she’d thought long and hard about before finally telling herself that she could always leave early if it wasn’t going to be a good fit for her.
It didn’t sound like it would be easy, that was for sure. But the reviews and personal recommendations that she’d gotten about the experience had been enough to convince her, especially because of where her head had been lately in regards to what had happened between her and Dylan. She still felt incredibly guilty about the whole situation and still wondered how much she should share with Thomas—or if she even should tell Thomas.
Thinking about him now reminded her about the quick call they’d had the night before. She planned to fully embrace the “no technology” suggestion while at the retreat, so having that last chat with him had been difficult. But she could contact him if she really needed to. She’d brought her phone with her just in case.
She really did have a hard time imagining how the guests were able to live in almost complete silence for such long periods of time. There would be regularly scheduled meetings with her advisor while there, and also a daily group session with the monks that involved learning about Buddhism and the benefits of meditation and fasting.
She took a deep breath of cool air through the open window of the taxi. She’d survive. And hopefully she’d come away fresh with new book ideas and a more peaceful state of mind—that was her main goal in doing the retreat, anyway.
They pulled up to the gate; it was opened by a guard of sorts. Right away Isabella was taken by the beauty of the place. The stone wall on either side of the gate had large elaborate carvings of elephants. An expansive lake with a tree-lined walkway was directly in front of them and Isabella could count three massive fountains just in her current line of vision. They passed by a big open temple to her right where she could make out a group of people sitting on the red-carpeted floor as they seemed to be listening to something going on inside.
The taxi driver drove just a little further around the lake until they came to a building with a big welcome sign out front. Isabella got her one modest bag from the trunk and paid the driver. Before she could barely turn around, a young Thai woman, dressed in beautiful traditional clothing, was by her side to take her suitcase from her.
“Hello, you are Miss Isabella?”
“Yes, that’s me. Thank you.”
“Welcome. I am Malee. We are so happy to have you with us. Follow me, please.”
Isabella followed her to a golf cart and within minutes, Malee had her at another building about a quarter mile from the entrance.
“We have you booked into the suite. It’s quite nice. You will like it.”
There had been three different accommodation options to choose from—all of which included private sleeping areas—but Isabella had opted for the deluxe accommodation that was completely private, including her own bathroom. She figured that her seven-day adventure was going to be difficult enough. If she wanted to splurge on the living arrangement while she sat in silence contemplating her life, she’d not feel bad about it.
“What’s that over there?” Isabella pointed to the far side of the lake, where she had spotted another group of smaller buildings that looked like little cabins.
“Oh, those are also accommodations. Small villas that are quite nice. Not for retreat guests. Tourists and people who just want to spend some time by the lake and in nature.”
Isabella nodded and made a mental note to find out more information about it. If she enjoyed her stay here, maybe it would be some place that she’d bring Thomas when he came to visit—if he came to visit.
Isabella shook her head as if doing so could erase the thought. Starting now—less with the negative, more with the positive, Iz.
She followed her hostess up the short walkway and through the door of her suite. It looked exactly as it had in the pictures—basic, in terms of the furniture, but comfortable enough, and the view of the lake was spectacular. It was one of the main reasons that she’d booked the suite. She figured that a nice view would help her when it came to quieting her mind, if that was even a genuine possibility. Ugh, stop it with the negative again.
She brought her attention back to Malee, who was slipping her shoes back on in the doorway.
“Oh, your room actually does have wi-fi. If you need it, the code is in the top drawer of your desk.”
Rats! She could have brought her computer after all and possibly gotten a lot of writing done. She practically laughed out loud at herself for being so ridiculous. No. She was not here to work. She was here to grow, to learn about herself. There would be plenty of time for work after her retreat.
“So, if you could just come to the main hall anytime this afternoon, you can meet with your adviser and she will also take you to the restaurant for dinner. Today will be your last day of regular food before you start fasting with the others tomorrow. Light meals for breakfast and lunch. No eating past three o’clock. You can get water, juices, and teas any time you like.”
“Oh, wow. I hope that I can do this.”
“I think you will be surprised. It is not so difficult after the first day.” She smiled. “And—well, if you get very hungry, you are always welcome to go to the restaurant. It’s where the non-retreat guests eat, and the chef is really very good.” She winked at Isabella and then reached out to place her hand on Isabella’s arm. “You can do it, miss. I can tell that you have good energy.”
Isabella laughed. “If you say so.”
“Is there anything else that I can get you?”
“No. Thank you very much. I think I will relax for a half hour or so and then I will walk back to meet with my advisor.”
Isabella watched out the window for a few seconds as Malee turned around in the golf cart. The view really was better than she’d even imagined—a peaceful and good sign of things to come.
Isabella sat cross-legged on the carpet across from her advisor, Preeda, whom she’d met only moments before. She instantly liked the woman with the long black hair, who had the most stunning and serene presence of anyone Isabella had ever encountered.
Preeda seemed to be listening intently as Isabella answered her questions—wondering how she could possibly remember everything without writing down a word. Yet she had the sense that she was being heard in a way that she’d not been heard before. It was oddly comforting, considering the private things she was telling the woman she’d only just met.
“And would you say that your heart is very open to this experience? Are you willing to trust in yourself and the divine nature that is all around you, Isabella?”
Malee quietly slipped a tray with tea and crackers in
between the two women, smiling at Isabella as if to confirm the words her peer was sharing.
“Yes, I’d say so. I mean, I’ve never really done anything like this before so I’m not sure exactly what to expect—or if it will even be possible for me to meditate, quiet my mind, or whatever is required of me.”
Preeda put her hand over Isabella’s and Isabella felt the instant warmth coming from her fingers, as if her very touch matched the exact impression that she gave off—one of warmth and genuine kindness. If this was what being mindful and meditative was all about, Isabella was sure that she could benefit from it.
“Isabella, nothing is required. This experience is only for you. We want you to leave here feeling much better than when you arrived. We want you to leave here feeling like you are more of yourself—more of who you are meant to be. If that makes sense?”
The tears were instant. The words could have been the same that she’d read a hundred times from her birth mother’s journals. More of who she was meant to be—it seemed so simple, yet she seemed to need constant reminders. She felt both comforted and comfortable with Preeda, though—like she was exactly where she was meant to be.
Preeda reached around behind where she was sitting to pick up a box of tissues. She held it out in front of her so that Isabella could grab one to wipe her eyes. “It’s okay. Take your time. It’s all okay, Isabella. You tell me only what you want to, and we will be meeting many more times throughout your stay here. There is no hurry.”
Chapter 21
Preeda’s words to Isabella that first day had stuck with her during her entire stay at the retreat center, and she’d only received more of the same kind and quiet nurturing from everyone that she encountered there, including the monks whom she’d learned so much from.
By the time her final meeting with Preeda had come around—on the last day of her stay there—Isabella felt like a completely new person. Well, not that she’d changed that much—not in ways that were probably noticeable anyway—but she felt lighter and freer than she’d felt in months.
Over the course of her stay, she had opened up to Preeda—about her fears and about her guilt over what she felt had been a betrayal to Thomas. But more importantly, through meditation and what she’d learned from the monks and her talks with her new confidant, she learned what it was to truly accept things.
She could now accept that she’d been operating from a place of fear—a deep fear that she was ultimately going to lose Thomas anyway—whether she stayed in New York or whether she betrayed their relationship when she kissed another man. She was able to quiet her judgments and her fears enough so that she could truly live in the moment and accept that what was meant to happen would happen as long as she lived in a way that was true to herself. And as long as she was honest with Thomas.
She leaned in to give Preeda a big hug. “I can’t thank you enough. Truly.”
“It’s been completely our pleasure. And Isabella, I do hope that we’ll see you again soon.”
Isabella nodded. She’d already looked into booking one of the villas when Thomas came to visit, thinking that the retreat might be a little much for him, but she thought that he’d love the serenity and beauty of the place just as much as she did.
“We’ve called for a taxi. He should be along any minute.”
“Thank you. Can I ask you one more thing—a favor, and I hope I’m not overstepping my bounds.” She leaned in to whisper to her, unfolding her hand enough so that Preeda could see the small object that she held.
Isabella made her way back along the lake to the spot that had become her favorite. It was a small wooden swing, just big enough for three small children or a pair of young lovers. It sat back about two feet from the lake and she’d sat there for hours over the course of the past seven days, contemplating her life and what she wanted her future to be like.
She sat on the swing now and gently took the small bag of ashes out of the small box that always traveled with her for such occasions. She smiled as she thought about all the places throughout Europe where she’d already spread Arianna’s ashes. She’d been on this journey with her birth mother since the day she’d met her grandparents and wonderful new extended family in Tuscany—since the day that Lia had first given her the box of items that Arianna had so carefully put together for a daughter she’d never know.
It had been a physical journey to parts unknown but it had also been an intensely emotional and spiritual journey as well, one that Isabella felt confident a young Arianna would have known in a similar way. And Thailand was their first stop together in another part of the world that Arianna had had a huge desire to see.
Isabella gently opened the small bag toward the lake as she said a silent prayer of blessing, letting the wind take the ashes along on their journey. “To Thailand—the ‘Land of Smiles’ and another stop on our journey together.”
Chapter 22
Isabella walked across the floor to check the arrival times again—just to be sure. According to the board, the flight had landed fifteen minutes ago. She walked back over to the waiting area outside of where Thomas would be clearing customs. If she stood in the right spot, she could make out the lines of people placing their luggage on the belts to go through the scan.
She had to smile, thinking about how comfortable she’d become in and out of airports these days. Since her first flight to Thailand only three short months ago, she’d also been to Cambodia and Vietnam. She’d had to leave anyway to secure a longer visa for Thailand, so when Dylan and a few of the others had offered to help her plan a two-week trip, she jumped at the chance to see more of Southeast Asia. Though she’d been more than a little nervous about doing the trip on her own, she was starting to discover just how easy it was to go off and explore, and that there always seemed to be plenty of people around to help her when she had questions or didn’t quite know what she was doing.
She stood on her tiptoes, to peek past a gentleman who had stepped in front of her as she waited in the arrival area. She grinned when she spotted Thomas. He was looking down at something in his hands and when he looked back up, she waved to him. Did he see her yet?
Thomas smiled and then waved back at her before grabbing his suitcase off the conveyer belt and heading toward the final exit that would have her in his arms within seconds.
Isabella didn’t wait a moment longer once he’d stepped into the arrival area. She ran, jumping into his arms as he dropped his suitcase and held her close. She threw her head back a little so that she could look him in the eyes.
“Hey, you.”
“Hey, Iz.” He grinned back at her before covering her lips with his for a full minute. “Gosh, it’s good to see you.”
She smiled back at him, fully enjoying the sensation of being in his arms again. “It’s good to see you too. I’ve missed you so much.”
Thomas put her feet back on the ground and reached out to take her hand firmly in his while he picked his suitcase back up with his other hand. “So, shall we?”
“We shall. Wait here. I’ll just go get us a taxi.”
She walked over to the taxi window, her heart still beating wildly in her chest. She really couldn’t believe the day had come. There were reasons to feel sad or homesick with Christmas just around the corner, but Thomas was there with her now. Everything was going to be perfect.
Isabella confirmed the address with the driver as they settled into the backseat of the car. She had a slight flash of panic as she remembered her first arrival—the first time she’d taken a taxi to her Chiang Mai apartment—when she’d met Dylan only three short months ago. It seemed like ages ago, yet the memory of it only reminded her that there were now secrets between her and Thomas. She leaned over to kiss him on the cheek, pushing any thoughts out of her mind that didn’t have to do with how ecstatic she was to be with him.
“I can’t wait to show you everything. I really think you’re going to like it here.”
Thomas grinned back at her, lifting his eyebrows in
that silly way that she loved. “I can’t wait to see your apartment. We may have to have a little rest together before I’m ready to have you play tour guide.”
“Are you very tired?”
“Rest is code for—I can’t wait to get you alone, my darling. I’ve been so looking forward to some Izzy snuggle time.”
Isabella laughed and then scooted even closer to him on the seat. She grabbed his hand and squeezed it tight as they watched out their opposite windows for a few minutes.
“Well, I can sure tell that I’m not in New York any more. It all looks so different. And yes, I am excited to explore and see everything that you’ve told me so much about.” He leaned down and kissed the top of her head. “But mostly I’m just excited to be here with you.”
She rested her head against his shoulder. “It’s gonna be great, Thomas.”
Chapter 23
Isabella held his hand tight as they walked down one of her favorite streets together. Watching Thomas look around at everything for the first time reminded her of her own arrival and how new and exciting it had all been. She couldn’t believe that he was actually there with her now, about to share their first authentic Thai meal together in one of her favorite restaurants.
After the taxi had dropped them off at her apartment, they’d snuggled up together on the sofa for a short nap. Being in Thomas’s arms again had felt so completely right to Isabella. She already had pangs of sadness, even thinking about him leaving when his holiday break was over.
As much as everything felt right and the same between them, Isabella thought that Thomas was acting a bit odd. He seemed quieter than normal, but he was probably feeling a bit out of sorts due to the jet lag. This was what she kept telling herself—that she was just being paranoid—because of her own secrets.