by Paula Kay
She sighed even thinking about it. She was crazy to think that she could keep anything from Thomas. She would tell him what had happened between her and Dylan. She’d go crazy thinking about it until she did. And she’d already made peace with it herself. Telling Thomas was the right thing to do. But not tonight. Tonight was just going to be about enjoying their reunion.
Thomas elbowed her lightly. “Earth to Iz.”
“What? Sorry.”
“Yeah, you were a million miles away there. I was just asking you if we’re almost to the restaurant. I’m suddenly starving, and I can’t wait to try some of this curry that you’ve been talking about for the past few weeks.”
“Oh, it will be worth the wait. Trust me. And it’s just one more block, I think.”
They settled in at a cozy little corner table at a restaurant that Isabella had been frequenting quite often. The waiter brought them their menus and took their drink orders.
Thomas folded his menu closed. “You know what? I’m just going to have you order everything. Surprise me.”
“Are you sure? How spicy do you want it?”
“Oh, you know. Medium—like we have at home.”
“Okay, so I’ll ask for just a little spice—because their medium here is going to be way too spicy for you.”
Thomas reached for her hand across the table. “Sure. Whatever you think.”
“Whatever I think, huh?” Isabella winked at him.
“I trust you completely.”
Isabella nearly choked on her water as she broke eye contact with him.
“Slow down there. You okay? We haven’t even gotten to the spicy stuff yet.”
She laughed, thankful that the waiter had returned to take their order. When he’d left she turned her attention back to Thomas, reaching for his hand across the table. “So tell me everything. Tell me about school? Has Biology gotten any easier? Hey, for that matter, when do you get your grades? And I guess we should probably be celebrating the fact that you’re done with Biology now, right?”
She grinned at him, having a sudden flashback to their high school days when they’d celebrate after final exams. Which, in reality, meant that they were usually both celebrating the fact that Isabella was able to stop freaking out about them. Thomas never really studied all that much or cared about his own grades, where Isabella seemed to care way too much. At least that’s what Thomas used to tell her.
Thomas sighed and kind of half smiled at her. “Yeah, it feels good to be done with exams, that’s for sure. Grades should be posted online—I dunno—I think maybe a few days after Christmas, maybe.”
“So, have you thought at all about what classes you’re going to take next semester? When can you register? You can do it online, right?” She took a sip of her water and waited for Thomas to answer her.
He brushed through his hair with his fingers, looking completely weird and uncomfortable. Something was definitely going on with him—something that was making Isabella feel increasingly more worried. What was he not telling her?
“Iz, can we just please not talk about school right now? I feel like I just finished, and last week was so crazy. It’s kinda the last thing I wanna talk about right now, ya know. I mean, I’m not going to lie. It’s not been all that great, but everything’s going to be fine. I promise, okay?” He smiled at her, and Isabella’s heart fell because she knew his forced smile when she saw it.
“Sure. We don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to talk about. I want this to be a vacation for you, not something that feels stressful.” Did talking to her feel stressful to him now?
Thomas brought her hand up toward his lips to kiss it. “I’m sorry, babe. I think I’m just starting to feel how tired I am from the flight. Of course I want to talk about everything with you.”
They were momentarily interrupted by the waiter, who’d begun placing dish after dish of delicious-looking plates of food in front of them on the table.
“Wow, Iz, you ordered enough to feed an army.”
Isabella laughed. “Yeah, I might have gone a little overboard. Good thing it tastes just as great warmed up for leftovers the next day.”
“I guess so.” Thomas began scooping food onto his plate and then straight into his mouth, a few seconds later practically choking as he reached for his water. “Wow, you weren’t kidding about the spice. That might take a little getting used to.”
“It’s really good though, right?”
Thomas nodded. “Iz, sorry about earlier. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.”
“It’s okay. I understand, and thank you for saying that. I really do want you to have a nice stress-free vacation. Does it feel weird to you, not being with family for Christmas?”
“No, because I’m with you.”
Thomas and Isabella had celebrated Christmases together for as long as she could remember. Typically when they were kids, they’d do the actual holiday with their respective families, but as soon as that was over, they’d get together at the diner, or the movies, or ice-skating, or even sometimes for sleepovers at one another’s house.
“How ’bout you?” Thomas asked. “What are your parents doing?”
“Believe it or not, they are actually going on a cruise.”
“Wow, glad to hear that they’re enjoying their retirement.”
Isabella nodded. “Me too. And everyone else will be at the villa—in Tuscany. I promised Lia we’d video chat with them. Don’t let me forget.
“Oh, and—now I hope this doesn’t stress you out—that fact that I didn’t talk to you about it first.”
Thomas laughed. “What, Iz? Go on.”
“Well, remember that retreat I went to a few months ago—out in the country?”
Thomas nodded his head, his mouth full of food.
“I booked us in for a few nights. Not for the retreat or anything, but in one of the cute little villas they have on the lake there. Uh—for tomorrow night. I hope that’s okay. I promise it will be really relaxing.”
Thomas made a funny face at her. “Iz, that sounds great. Don’t be so worried. Really. I’m happy to do whatever you want to do—whatever you want to show me, I’m game. My only request right now is that we get the check and head back to the apartment. I’m feeling really beat, and I’d rather get a good night’s sleep tonight in order to be ready to go tomorrow.”
“Sure. Let’s get you home and to bed. I’m pretty tired myself.”
Chapter 24
Isabella swung back and forth on the swing by the lake. She and Thomas had arrived at the retreat center a few hours earlier, and already she was feeling more at peace with herself and any weirdness that seemed to be going on with Thomas. It was hard for her to put her finger on it exactly. Things felt the same, yet different somehow. She guessed that it was her own feelings about needing to talk to him—to make good on the promise she’d made when she’d last been here, actually. She’d feel better once everything was out in the open, regardless of the outcome. That’s what she was telling herself anyway.
But Thomas had also been acting a little strange. He’d been on his computer a lot more than was typical for him, but she had to remind herself that this new studious Thomas was someone that she needed to get used to. He probably had to take care of some things that had to do with school. What felt like secrecy to Isabella, could very well be the stress of that, which he likely wouldn’t want to burden her with.
He’d told her to go on to the lake without him—that he’d join her there shortly.
Isabella took a deep cleansing breath in, just as she’d learned while she’d been on the grounds by the lake doing her meditation weeks ago. She tried to clear her mind and remember all of the healing thoughts that she’d had back then. She had carried much of it with her when she’d left, but it was also very easy to slip back into old ways of thinking. It was something that she constantly had to remind herself of—that everything was just as it was meant to be, including Thomas and his reactions to her—as
long as she was being honest with herself and those she loved.
So she’d tell him today. And probably it would be the case that she was far more worried about it than she needed to be. She was almost certain that Thomas would understand about the kiss, once she’d explained everything to him. Well, not that it wouldn’t bother him, but in her experience, he really had never been the jealous type before.
Even as she had the thought, though, she knew that it was slightly off. He wasn’t just a guy she was dating. He was her one true love. She felt it in her core.
But was she his?
She felt his arms as they came around her shoulders from behind, interrupting her thoughts momentarily. He walked around the front of the swing to sit beside her, then he pulled her over unto his lap as he kissed her full on the lips.
“How are you doing out here? It’s so peaceful. I like it a lot.”
“Oh, good. I’m glad. I was second-guessing myself after you were so tired last night. But hopefully you can get more good rest during our stay here.”
He kissed her again. “Yes, and also more of this.”
She laughed. “I’m always up for more of kissing you.” His lips were the sweetest thing she’d ever tasted, incomparable to any other kiss she’d ever had. She wanted to burn that thought, that sensation, into every ounce of her being—to remember it forever, for after the time would come that he’d have to leave her.
He pulled her back against his chest and they both sat in easy silence for a few minutes, looking out over the lake, the slight breeze pushing them gently in the swing.
“Thomas, is everything okay? Everything that you had to take care of, I mean?”
“Yeah, everything is fine. Just some loose ends that need to be tied up.”
“Why do I get the sense that you’re keeping something from me?” She blurted it out before she’d had a chance to think about it. It was bothering her, but then again how dare she push him in that way? When she was the one keeping secrets? She was going to be making things worse but somehow she couldn’t stop herself. “I just mean that I can tell something is off. And it’s making me feel bad, that’s all.”
Thomas had pulled back slightly from her and she scooted off his lap so that she could see his eyes. He had a funny look on his face, but it didn’t seem bad or guilty, really.
“Thomas, what is it? Please tell me. I’m not going to bug you about school—or about anything—if that’s what you’re worried about.”
Thomas laughed. “Iz, you are so hard to keep secrets from.”
She raised her eyebrow. “So, I’m right.”
“Well, yes. If you want to put it that way. I have been keeping something from you, and why do you have to be so ridiculously hard to surprise, woman?”
Isabella smiled as the words sunk in.
“Yes, Iz. I’m trying to plan a surprise for you—for Christmas. Can we just leave it at that?”
He was grinning at her and now she felt silly, but so very relieved. “Yes, of course. You know how much I love surprises.”
“Yes, I do know, which is why I’ve been trying to have a few moments to myself today to get something organized.” He pulled her to his chest again. “Which hasn’t been easy, I might add. Because all I really wanna do is hold you in my arms all day.”
His fingers lightly stroked up her arm, causing a shiver to run throughout her entire body.
“You do?” She turned her face slightly so that he could bring his mouth down to hers for a gentle kiss.
“I do.”
She sighed. She felt relief for what Thomas had shared with her, but also the dread of what was still to come. She couldn’t tell him now. They were both too happy in the moment, and the last thing she wanted was to spoil it. But she was being incredibly selfish in her decision too. She knew that.
Chapter 25
She stared across the table at Thomas as he finished the last of his dessert. They’d spent a wonderful day together. They’d gone for a long walk, holding hands and kissing every time they stopped. It was like they were a couple of young kids in love, which in actuality they kind of were, she supposed. She grinned when Thomas looked up to catch her staring at him.
“What’s that look for? Do I have something on my face?”
“Oh, nothing. I just love you so much and I’m so glad that you’re here with me.”
He grinned back at her. “That’s a big ditto for me, babe. I love you too. You know that. And being here with you like this today—it does remind me of all our time traveling together. And I do miss being with you like that, Iz.”
Isabella thought she saw something flash across his face. “Me too. So much. I can’t even think about it ending—about you leaving in just a week. I have some ideas for spring break. I was thinking—”
“Iz. Let’s just focus on now, okay? There will be plenty of time to talk about spring break later.”
Isabella felt her face fall. She didn’t like it when he shut her down like that. And it also wasn’t typical of their relationship. She was just excited about any time that they’d have together. Usually Thomas was supportive and entertained her desire to talk through things, regardless of how far off in the future they might be. She’d always been a planner. It was something he used to tease her endlessly about when they were younger, but he’d always listened to her.
“Iz, I’m sorry.” He reached for her hand across the table.
She was a bundle of emotions all of a sudden; she hadn’t realized that she was going to cry until the tears were already falling. It wasn’t just about their conversation. It was about the way that she was behaving. She was the one with the secrets. She was the one who was being less than honest with him, and she was suddenly feeling incredibly guilty for that. He didn’t deserve it. Thomas deserved to know the truth.
“Honey, why are you crying?”
Thomas was looking at her now with such concern in his eyes—just the way he always had when she was upset. Ever since they were kids, he was always the one to comfort her, to stick up for her when someone wasn’t treating her right. He’d always been that person for her, regardless of his own circumstances. Thomas was one of the most unselfish people she knew. It was something that she’d always loved about him. And he would say the same about her, but would he still?
“Iz, you know that you can tell me anything. And I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings.”
He squeezed her hand and she pulled it away into her lap. Just say it, Iz. She looked up at him and took a deep breath in before she spoke. “Thomas, I’ve done something. And I’ve not been honest with you.” She was trying not to cry, but the look of confusion that she saw on his face only made her tears fall more.
“Okay. What is it? You’re freaking me out a little bit.” He took a drink of his wine and then put it back on the table as he waited for Isabella to speak.
Just say it. She hated herself now. She’d been doing her best to push everything aside for weeks and now here she was—faced with the moment of truth, faced with the look on Thomas’s face, which wasn’t going to get any better in the next few minutes.
“Thomas, I didn’t mean for it to happen and it didn’t mean anything at all, but I kissed a guy.” She looked down at her hands. “It was a while ago—just when I first arrived, actually, and nothing ever happened beyond that one kiss. That was all and it never happened again. And I’ve regretted it every day since then. I’d had a few wines and it was my fault because I hadn’t told him about you at that point. It was just really stupid.” She finally looked at him. “I’m so sorry, Thomas. You know I would never do anything to hurt you.”
He was quiet, and she didn’t miss the look of hurt in his eyes. She had hurt him. It was crazy to think otherwise. Had it been reversed and it was him sharing such a thing with her, she would have been devastated. It had been a betrayal, and she could see that clear as anything on his face now as he didn’t even look at her.
“Thomas, please say something.” She reached for his
hand, but he yanked it away.
“What, Isabella? What do you expect me to say to that? I mean, I’m feeling a little shocked right now, I suppose. Of all the things I expected you might say to me—of all the reasons I thought you might be crying…” He didn’t finish his sentence as his hands went up through his hair, a gesture of discomfort that Isabella knew all too well. “Who was it, Iz?”
His question took her by surprise for some reason, but it wasn’t out of line. For a brief second she thought about saying that it had been a random traveler, someone just passing through town, but the lie wasn’t a better answer, really. And she needed to tell the truth. Otherwise what was the whole point of the confession in the first place?
“Iz?”
She took a deep breath. She’d told Thomas about Dylan when she’d first arrived and she’d also continued talking about the fact that she sometimes hung out with him and a group of friends at the cafes. But she never went out with Dylan alone. Not since the night that the kiss had happened. But what would Thomas think about it?
Thomas sighed. “Just tell me. Look, nothing you could say is going to be any worse, right? Iz? I mean I hope that it’s true that nothing else happened. Frankly, I can’t even believe that we’re having this conversation right now.”
“I know. Okay. It was Dylan. I’ve talked about him to you. I know it sounds kinda weird but we really are just friends. Nothing else has ever happened between us—nothing ever would. Thomas, I just made a mistake. I’m so sorry.” She was trying to fight her tears. She knew that Thomas hated to see her cry and it didn’t seem fair to do that to him now. She needed to give him his space so that he could process what she’d just told him.
Thomas stood up, reached into his pocket, and laid some cash down on the table. “I need to go for a walk. I’m going to ask them out front to escort you back to the villa.”