Lilly

by Conrad, Angela

  “I don’t think you have any idea what I think of you.”

  “Probably not, don’t say it. I have enough hurt already. What is the name of your solicitor? If you give me his address, I was thinking I could get messages to you, through him. Don’t worry, I don’t mean often, just something serious like if I deliver a baby or get very sick, or anything,” Lilly said, wondering if she was laying it on too thickly.

  Half of him thought she was playing a game, for no one was that considerate of another or that able to handle rejection. The other half thought he had wounded Lilly so deeply she wanted to avoid him, she detested him. That made chills run inside him, like snow down his collar.

  “Lilly, if you have a baby I don’t want to find out by a note from my solicitor.”

  “Oh. Sorry, I thought you’d want to know. I won’t bother you with it then.”

  “Of course I’d want to know! Not from him, from you,” Reece replied, trying to manage his growing anger.

  She looked at him then and quickly looked away.

  “Alright, I’ll send you a note if it happens.”

  “Lilly, we really need to talk. You’ve misunderstood me and I’ve misspoken in anger. I am going to see you. You won’t be in town alone all the time,” Reece offered, wondering if seeing him would make Lilly elated or sad.

  At that moment, such a rush of emotion hit Lilly, she wondered if she hated him. ‘Alone all the time,’ that was plain enough. He’d see his footman, his butler, his mistresses, friends, acquaintances, and strangers, more often than her and suddenly in a fury, Lilly was glad.

  “I don’t care if I ever see you again Reece. After what you said to me, where you plan to house me, you won’t have to worry about me searching you out, I’ll never look.”

  Finally her spirit and temper returned and Reece was glad, for a moment he feared he’d destroyed her. Then her words sunk in and he felt real alarm.

  “We’re going to talk later.”

  Reece spoke sternly, but Lilly didn’t answer, she just looked away and smiled at her aunts and her father. He would have given anything if she would look at him that way, just once.

  The entire village was there and after Lilly broke away from her conversation with Reece, she joined them. They all laughed and embraced Lilly, as if she was their favorite family member. Some crying, others laughing and holding her too close. Children gathered around her and kissed her cheeks, lightly touched her soft satin wedding gown, and begged for a hug. Grown rough men from the fields clasped her and made her laugh. Elderly ladies with canes and snuff kissed her and whispered joyful wishes.

  Reece had never seen anyone so well loved. Not once in his life had a village full of people even glanced his way with recognition or gladness and he was their earl. The thought of taking this wonderful, kind and giving girl and hiding her in an off London street, under an assumed name was madness. She was coming home with him. The vision of Lilly on some side street, mixed with whores and tradesman, closed off from people, was disgusting to him.

  He noticed how all the men watched her. Robert, some man named Joshua; every one of them down to the field hands, adored her. Did he think if Lilly was abandoned in London, she would not be hounded by gentlemen pursuing her? Living under a false name, friendless, without his protection, she would be followed, or forced, or worse. He might as well face it, he was trapped by Lilly, forever changed. He would live with his wife. He could not decide if he longed for the sticky web, or still wanted to avoid it.

  ……….

  The wedding, the village celebration, the dinner at the Park all went off smoothly with the bride and bridegroom exchanging only a few words, and a hug at the door, as their guests left. Reece still had not kissed her.

  “This is my first visit to Hillside Park, it is very grand Reece. Your staff did a fine job arranging everything,” Lilly relented, tired and dispirited now the celebration was over.

  “Yes, it was better than I’d expected.”

  “Ah, the unpleasant business you came here facing is almost over. You must ache to be back in London with people you enjoy,” Lilly said. “Perhaps I should stay here a few days after you go, then follow on my own.”

  “You’ll do no such thing Lilly. We’ll go together.”

  She smirked and patted his arm.

  “Separate carriages then, or I could go horseback. Don’t give me another thought Reece.”

  He suddenly grabbed her and lifted her off her feet. He couldn’t stand another hit.

  “What are you doing?” Lilly asked, surprised.

  “We’re going upstairs,” Reece said, climbing the stairs with her in his arms, as if she weighed nothing.

  “My,” Lilly said, impressed.

  He carried her down the long hallway and into the master suite, not stopping until he’d kicked the door closed and dropped her on the bed.

  He wasn’t out of breath, but Lilly was. Suddenly Reece seemed different, unleashed.

  “You don’t have to force yourself to do anything tonight Reece,” Lilly offered, giving him an excuse to stop.

  “I’m beginning to catch on to your sarcastic wit at last sweetheart. Either that or you are the most ill-informed woman in the world. I’d guess your aunts told you nothing of the wedding night. So I will show you step by step.”

  Lilly had to grin in spite of her resentment. It took him long enough.

  “Do you require a blindfold? At least put the candles out and just pretend I am someone from town you like.”

  He grinned.

  “Have you been this insincere the entire time I’ve known you?” Reece asked coming towards her.

  “Only with you. Don’t you think you deserve it?”

  “You should hate me but I hope to God you don’t.”

  Reece suddenly rested on the bed beside her and started taking down her hair. It was braided, and twisted, and curled, but he was very skilled in undoing a lady’s hair. Knowing that made Lilly sad and to her horror a tear slid down her cheek and he saw it.

  He licked it off and nuzzled her neck.

  “What was that for?”

  “Your skill with women. Every move you make with me I know you’ve done thousands of times before and will do again. It’s not me you’re undressing, it’s a script in a perpetual play.”

  He grabbed her hand and pressed it over himself and whispered.

  “I have been hard for you since I saw you riding in the road that first day. I’ve never wanted a woman more than you in my life and if you say another ridiculous remark I shall kiss your mouth closed. In fact, I’ll do that anyway.”

  Reece kissed her with all the finesse he mastered over twenty years of making love to women. He licked her, and teased her, used his tongue and somewhere in the middle of his rehearsed technique, he lost himself in Lilly. He rolled with her, unhooked her gown and ran his hand up her leg. He pulled her hair and twisted it around his fist. He kissed Lilly so long, she couldn’t breathe. Never had Reece absorbed himself like this with a woman. It scared the hell out of him. He tried to hold back, go slow, but once started, he was entranced.

  Lilly felt his large hands everywhere. Soft, than hard, he moved her around like a doll and every time she tried to speak he kissed her again.

  Finally, she turned her head to take in air and asked, “Reece, is this really how you go about having children, or are you just teaching me a lesson?”

  “I’m getting there,” he grinned.

  It was the first genuine smile she’d ever seen on him and it was devastating in its male beauty.

  Suddenly she laughed and he started blowing on her neck and licking inside her ear.

  “I cannot imagine this is how other people do it,” Lilly giggled.

  “This is how we’re going to do it and it takes all night and several tries, so just relax and let me do all the work,” Reece said, excitement and happiness running heavily inside him.

  Lilly was feeling alive, wanted and she went with the moment. She would pretend
Reece loved her, for she could not be indifferent to him. She started kissing him back and copying his movements. Lilly ran her hands up his sides and unbuttoned his waistcoat. She ran her hands under his shirt and he shivered. It felt powerful and Lilly used her tongue on his neck.

  Suddenly his breathing grew harder and he undressed her in earnest now. He stopped and practically ripped his own clothing off and braced himself on his elbows, he looked into her brown eyes and stared.

  “God, I want you Lilly. If you think I’m ever trading you in on a London whore you’re very much mistaken. I’ll never get enough of you. You are so beautiful.”

  She did not believe him, but it was nice of him to say. She didn’t think Reece could be nice.

  “You’ll be tired of me by morning.”

  “You really know nothing of men.”

  He took her hand and placed it on his neck. He took her other palm and placed it over his heart.

  “Can you feel it? The pounding, the racing, this is new for me Lilly. You wouldn’t know the difference, but I sure as hell do.”

  He pushed her legs open and lay on her. He started kissing her neck and slowly traveled down to her toes.

  All night he caressed her and made love to her. She was cynical and jaded in her belief of Reece, but it did feel like he was consumed by her.

  Lilly admitted to herself that it was incredible, she loved him. From the first time she’d seen Reece in the traveling coach, she’d wanted him. Now her passion took flight and Lilly held nothing back. They were married and he wanted a son. He would have his way and she would help him.

  They slept a few hours and then he woke her again and by morning neither of them could move.

  Food was brought in and they took baths, otherwise they didn’t leave his bedchamber for four days.

  “This is the longest I’ve been with you, when you’re not slicing me to ribbons with your sarcasm,” Reece said, glancing down at Lilly laying half off the bed.

  “I don’t have the energy.”

  She smiled. He smiled back.

  Neither of them wanted the real world to enter. Only, they went downstairs for dinner that night, Reece’s manager came in to receive orders for fall repairs. The two men retired to the study for three hours. The butler and housekeeper wanted directions and slowly Lilly felt Reece slipping away. The madness was over it seemed and he was ready for his next adventure.

  The following morning he announced it was time to go to London. There was a distancing in his voice and manner. He was preparing to break her hold on him, she could feel it tearing. Not once in the past week, had he used words of love. Lilly feared he never would. Reece saw loving someone as a weakness, a loss of self.

  ……….

  CHAPTER SIX

  London

  Randall Town House

  Residence of the Earl of Suffolk

  Berkley Square

  London, England

  Summer 1814

  The trip to town was quiet, but pleasant. Lilly tried not to distract Reece, as he was busy reading ledgers and journals. Then he switched to copies of the Times. He’d laugh and make some remark about a London friend, or family, or event, not noticing Lilly knew nothing about it or did not know any of the targeted persons. The more he read and commented, the stronger Lilly’s fear grew that she was in reality a brown country mouse and she might never fit into Reece’s colorful world.

  As they entered London in the early afternoon, Lilly was overwhelmed by the size and number of people, the smells, the crowds, the carriages. Everything exciting, new, and alien. She remembered everyone in town had heard all the jokes about her. They would think of her as the name his mistresses called her, Lilly the Brown Mouse.

  “Did you rent a house for me?” Lilly asked, panic starting to surface.

  Reece looked surprised and shook his head, thinking she was kidding.

  “I just realized everyone in London will be waiting to see the earl’s great joke, which is me. The brown mouse, the love letters from your clerk, they’ll all recall everything you said. I think it might be better if you left me somewhere else,” Lilly murmured, her hands sweating, her throat tight.

  Reece was deliberately trying to loosen the hold Lilly had over him. He’d believed before the wedding, once he had Lilly, experienced a few days making love to her, the spell would be broken. It was not. The web was tighter and its sticky coils frightened Reece. The more he’d joined with her, the stronger the attraction. It was unexpected.

  Arriving back in London reminded Reece of his old life, his carefree days, never being vulnerable to hurt, just experiencing pleasure. The temptation of fading back into that familiar lifestyle pulled him. He feared he could be ridiculous over Lilly, become obsessed with her; lose himself. Reece liked his past bachelor days and feared the end of them. When Lilly was around, he saw nothing but her. This craving for another person, this yearning was new and painful. He fought against it.

  Reece had forgotten his jokes and insulting remarks made about Lilly Castleford, and his guilt made him short.

  “I won’t leave you somewhere else, don’t be absurd. You’ll just brazen it out. Just stare them down. They can see you’re pretty,” Reece spoke gruffly, shifting his tall Hessian boots and turning away from her.

  Lilly was knocked off the pedestal of beautiful and placed back on the shelf of pretty, in just a few days of marriage. Soon she would be plain and then dull. Lilly wished she’d stayed at Hillside Park. Now, when she needed her husband’s comfort and support the most, he’d closed up, his eyes blank of emotion again. Reece had not only returned to London in location, but in his manner and his heart.

  “Will you be beside me when I do?” Lilly asked, for his new coldness had dulled the luster of their short honeymoon to a faraway dream.

  “Sometimes. Remember, I told you I don’t want a clinging wife. I like the card room and the races. You will be alone sometimes,” Reece said, trying to convince himself his old life awaited and was still something he wanted.

  Lilly shivered. Her husband was throwing her to the wolves. The pack he’d churned up to hate her in the first place. She fought tears. Wouldn’t he hate that? If he disliked clinging, he’d despise tears.

  “I remember, it’s all coming back with your aloofness. You won’t see me, I’ll stay away,” Lilly whispered softy.

  Reece looked up at that, a glance of concern, quickly covered. Her words, the sweet tone of her voice, it felt like a blow to his chest.

  Too soon they were in front of a massive stone townhouse on a beautiful street. Servants came out of the house and appropriated their trunks, before the horses even settled.

  Reece stepped down and carelessly offered Lilly his hand. She took it and together they entered the marble floored entry to loud laughter and the clinking of glasses. It sounded like a party.

  Lilly was travel weary and her dark green traveling gown was wrinkled. Her hair was flattened by sleeping in the coach and the last thing she wanted to see was Reece’s friends. Before she could go up the stairs, doors burst open and the entry filled with fancy lords in satin and ladies in low cut gowns of rich colors, sparkling with jewelry. Awkwardly, Lilly realized she didn’t even had a wedding ring.

  “Reece!” Several people cheered. “You’re back!”

  “Thank God, so boring without you. We see you survived the mouse trap,” a woman in dark plum laughed and kissed Reece lingering on the lips.

  Others crowded around him and patted his back, made rude jokes about bedding a mouse, and laughing. As they pressed in, Lilly kept stepping back. She waited for Reece to introduce her, pull her forward and help her. He did none of those things. He returned kisses and hugs, joked right back about finishing his unpleasant business and led them all to a large drawing room.

  The housekeeper looked at Lilly with pity in her eyes and it was too much. She turned and walked out of the house and into the street in a town she’d never seen before.

  Shame made Lilly keep walking. S
he didn’t stop, knew nowhere to go and finally came upon a park. She went behind a hedgerow and found a bench and sat down. It was so much worse than she’d imagined. Never did she think his London crowd would say anything right to her face and worse have a husband who let them. Now it would never stop. He did nothing and now they would do everything to hurt her without fearing Reece’s chastisement. It was terrible. Tears came and passed. Lilly grew cold, hungry, and afraid. Could she go back and sneak in the servant’s doorway? What a mouse of a countess his staff would think her.

  Lilly breathed deeply and took in the sounds of the London streets. The constant clatter of hooves, the laughter and shouts. Different accents, strange smells, the bustle of crowds, everything different.

  She scooted to the end of the bench and bent down. Lilly was alone and unescorted. A married lady now, but still unprotected in a place that cried for protection.

  She replayed the scene in the entry until she felt dizzy. All the women, their familiar attitude towards Reece, kissing him, touching him, had he made love to them all? They were covered in jewels, sparkling in splendor in the afternoon. Lilly wore a brooch Reece had carelessly handed her on their wedding day. She removed it and placed it in her pocket. No ring, no necklace or earrings, she felt plain, a shadow to their vibrancy. It was as if an artist had painted a masterpiece of allure and shaded Lilly into the background half complete.

  Lilly forgot about her father’s debts, the necessary repairs crying out back at the manor house and wondered what madness made her think this marriage could work?

  It came to her suddenly, her loving Reece was not enough. Worse, it was the instrument of her own destruction. Lilly had thought being in London, near Reece, would make her happy. It would not. Seeing him with his other women was crueler than imagining it. The exchange of glances, the secret smiles, kisses in public, each one would be a nail in her heart.